"I consider myself a nice guy. But I'm not always gonna be nice during this trial."

Sonny didn't look up from his notes as he listened to Barba address the jury candidates. He had always been a bit of a showman in the courtroom, more concerned with results than popularity. But something about this situation had taken Rafael's typical devil-may-care approach to new heights. Sonny didn't know what to make of it, and it left him feeling unsettled. There were times during the course of trial prep he had felt like he didn't even recognize his own partner.

What was happening?

"Sometimes I'm gonna be loud, angry, sarcastic when I cross-examine witnesses from the ACS, VA, and NYPD, who, as you will hear, failed to do their jobs," Barba continued.

Carisi fought to keep a neutral expression. The dig at the NYPD stung, though he knew it was not personal. He reminded himself that Rafael was just doing his job as a defense attorney – presenting the best case for his client. But they both had friends – good friends – in the ranks of the NYPD. Until a few months ago, Sonny himself had been an NYPD detective. It was hard not to take the implication they had failed this kid personally.

"Anyone have a problem with that?" Barba asked.

Yeah. I do.

"I'm not allowed to ask you to imagine what it would be like to be Mickey Davis right now sitting at that table." Barba glanced back over at his client. "But I need to know that you will consider your decision in this case as the most important decision in of your life... because it certainly will be the most important decision in the life of this decorated war hero. You expect Mr. Davis to not react when his own daughter is assaulted like the victims he saw in combat? You promise me, keep an open mind... and hold the government to make its case? Mr. Carisi told you that he represents the people of New York. Well... you are the people of New York. And neither Mr. Carisi, nor the judge here gets to decide how this trial will turn out for my client. You do."

He took a moment to center himself and review his notes as Rafael walked back to the defense table. At length, Sonny stood and strode over to make his own address. He took a deep breath, forced his inner turmoil to the back of his mind, and got up to do his job.

To his chagrin, Barba realized this would be the first time he had seen his partner in action in the courtroom. He mentally kicked himself – he should have been there to support Sonny through his first trials as a prosecutor. He had let his own feelings get in the way of being there when he knew better than anyone how harrowing those first cases were for a new prosecutor. He pretended to study his notes, but out of the corner of his eye he watched Carisi stand and stride confidently away from the prosecutor's desk to address the jury.

"Alright. This is not a popularity contest. This is not about who wears the snazziest suit, who has the most charisma, or even who talks the fastest."

A tiny, self-depreciating smile tugged at Rafael's lips. Point taken, he thought. Pizzaz, personality, and witty repartee were his strengths in the courtroom. Though he had never seen Sonny argue a case, he had lived with him long enough to know his greatest strengths were logic, compassion, and an unwavering understanding of the law.

"It's also not about how many combat medals the defendant has." Sonny's tone remained calm, cool, collected, presenting a competent and prepared prosecutor. Despite himself, Rafael felt his heart swell with pride. "This is about the facts and the law. I submit to you that the evidence in this case is overwhelming. You will see video of Mr. Davis shooting and killing Ajay Sharma."

Barba took a quick glance around, gauging how the jury pool reacted to that news. He knew some could not stomach violence. He wanted to vet those who had a strong reaction out of the jury panel immediately.

"You will hear testimony that Mr. Davis is a wounded vet whose daughter was victimized by a serial predator." Carisi was firm, looking each member of the jury in the eye. "The evidence will show Ajay Sharma was awaiting trial when Mr. Davis acted as judge, jury, and executioner. Do you believe that everybody has a Constitutional right to have their guilt or innocence determined by a jury and not a vigilante?"

Vigilante. Rafael looked up sharply at Sonny's back when he spat out the word, and it sliced straight through the defense attorney's gut. An image of tiny Drew Householder flashed through his mind at the same time as Deputy Chief Gardner's words in Olivia's office.

I hope your strategy won't be to countenance a vigilante's murder of a man accused of rape. Given our country's dark history, we both know where that could lead.

That word kept coming up all around him, this time from the very man who had stood by him during the trial over Drew Householder two years before. Was this really how the DA's office and the NYPD viewed him now? As a rogue vigilante?

He considered that just over three years ago, he would have been arguing the exact same points Carisi was now. It would have been him citing the law and presenting evidence. And now, having sat in Mickey Davis's shoes, he understood the other side of the fence.

Had he changed that much?

"Mr. Barba is going to play on your emotions."

Barba winced. Sonny made him sound manipulative. But then, he supposed, it would be difficult to find a successful attorney who didn't know how to manipulate to sway the jury in their favor. He told himself it was a perfectly acceptable component of the job.

So why did it feel so uncomfortable now?

"But I ask that you promise me and the State of New York that you will decide this case on the facts and the law as instructed by the judge."

When Carisi turned to head back to the prosecution table so they could begin the selection process, their eyes met across the room. He nodded at his partner, and for a brief second caught a glimpse of the conflict and turmoil beneath the calm façade. He took a deep breath and turned to his notes, sending his client a reassuring smile.

And all the while wondering if he had made a tremendous mistake in taking this case.

The trial had been a long, tense ordeal. Sonny strode purposefully out of the courthouse on the final day of questioning exhausted, his stomach in knots. He gripped the handle of his briefcase in his cold hand and jogged down the long steps to the imposing building and headed towards the sidewalk, determined to catch a cab home rather than wait for the subway.

Part of him wanted to go home, pull on something comfortable, and collapse into bed. And part of him wasn't ready to face Rafael.

Mr. Barba! I'm about this close to holding you in contempt.

You can fine me all you want, Your Honor, I'm not gonna stop asking questions, because I am fighting for my client's freedom the same way he fought for our country's

What the hell was going on with him? He had never been known for being exactly reverent with anyone, but he had always been respectful of a judge's authority, even when he disagreed with their decision. The closest Sonny could ever recall Rafael being outright defiant to a sitting judge was when he had called out Judge Briggs for abuse of power – and rightfully so. But this? It was not Rafael. And he couldn't understand it.

The complete and confusing change in his lover's personality had Sonny dreading what would be waiting for him at home.

He had done his job. He had pushed, pressed, and wheedled until Mickey Davis had confessed on the stand in front of the jury to premeditated murder of Ajay Sharma.

You knew where you were, you knew exactly what you were doing, and you would do it again, wouldn't you?

You're damn straight! Every day of the week.

Now it was a matter of closing arguments, and they would see if the jury sympathized with the father.

Lord knew Sonny did.

"Well, that didn't exactly go as planned."

Sonny turned and saw Rafael, cheeks reddened by the cold January wind, striding up to him. "You had to see it coming," he smirked.

"Off the record, he expressed similar sentiments in prep. I advised him that it would not be in his best interests to convey that to a jury." Rafael paused and fell in step beside Carisi. "When I was an ADA, this would be the moment I would offer the defense a deal."

Sonny tensed, ready for battle. "Man two is still on the table. I can recommend the minimum."

"That's exactly the offer I told Mickey you'd make."

"What did he say?" Sonny had a feeling he already knew the answer, but it was at least worth asking.

"Basically, no thank you, but more anatomically."

Despite himself, Carisi laughed. Barba most certainly had a way with words.

"Man two specifically states that the accused...lacked the intention to cause harm." He stopped and faced his partner. "If I go any lower, then I'm saying it's okay for civilians to take the law into their own hands. Rafael, when you were an ADA..."

"I would have held the line at man two," Barba confirmed, as though the question were a no-brainer.

Then what the hell has changed, Rafael!? Sonny wanted to take him by the shoulders and shake him.

"But here we are." The two men started at one another, unspoken challenge in each of their eyes. "When I was an ADA, the NYPD and the DA's office commanded a modicum of respect."

The words stung more than Sonny wanted to admit. "So it's a bull market in vigilantism? We already have armed militias coming into our cities. How much more lawlessness can we take?"

"In terms of the big picture, I agree." Barba lifted his chin. "In terms of Davis...I don't think a jury's gonna put him in a cell."

"And that's all that matters?"

"To my client? Yeah."

Sighing, Sonny turned to walk away. He was frustrated and wanted to go home, take a shower, and be done with this day. But Rafael called after him.

"You know how you used to come to all of my closing arguments?"

Once again, Carisi stopped and turned back around. "Yeah?"

"Let's see if you learned anything."

Sonny gazed at him for a long moment and finally rubbed his forehead. "Listen, I'm going to Staten Island for the night," he announced.

The arrogant smirk faded from Barba's face. "What? Sonny, wait—"

"Rafi, I can't do this right now. I'm exhausted and twisted up and…I just need a minute to breathe and wrap my head around everything that's happened during this trial."

Barba stepped closer. "The only thing that's happened has been the two of us doing our jobs."

"No, Rafi, that's not all." Sonny's voice was not full of anger and heat as he thought it would. Instead, he recognized defeat. "I don't know what this case is doing to you, but you're not acting yourself. My squad is conspiring behind my back to help out opposing counsel, and that fucking hurts. I need to step away." He exhaled and stepped close, taking Rafael's hand. He hated the startled, hurt look in those green eyes and hated himself for putting it there. "Tomorrow, after this is all over, I'll be home and we can talk about this. But babe, I need a minute."

Rafael took a shuddering breath and closed his eyes. "I shouldn't have taken this case," he murmured.

Tossing all concern that they were opposing counsel on the same case and standing in broad view in front of the courthouse, Sonny cupped his face and kissed him tenderly. "I just need a night, Rafi. We'll talk tomorrow."

And, sick inside, Sonny turned and headed down the street towards the station to catch a train.

You win some, you lose some, Rafael thought to himself the next day as he sat with the squad at a table in their favorite bar. For a moment, he could imagine that it was the old days. They were meeting up to commiserate a case they had just prosecuted together, not one they had stood opposed to one another. But things had changed. There was a new face at that table – Kat instead of Amaro or Mike. Olivia hadn't yet found her way there. Dodds was no longer the Deputy Chief.

And Carisi had been the ADA instead of Barba.

If anyone had noticed the tension between the two men, they hadn't said anything. By the concerned glances she had shot from him to Sonny, he had the distinct feeling his partner had shared at least some of it with Rollins. They had barely made eye contact during closing arguments, and Sonny hadn't yet spoken directly to him.

Barba glanced at his phone and picked up his jacket. "Sorry to cut this wake short," he said. "My mom is heading to Florida tomorrow." He pointed quickly around the table. "Tell Liv I'm sorry I missed her." And he turned to head out the door.

On the way out, he heard Fin say, "Uh-oh, my fiancé wants me home."

He turned and grinned at the table, taking in the congratulations and light-hearted pokes from the rest of the table. Rafael just watched them for a moment, soaking it in. He wasn't part of the inner circle anymore, and it hurt. So for just a minute, he let himself go back to the days when he was. And then, with a sigh he stepped outside.

He had just reached the corner when he saw Olivia approaching. "Hey," she greeted. "Did I miss the post-mortem?"

"No, they're still inside." Barba jerked his head down the street. "Hey, walk with me?"

"Sure."

They fell in step with one another companionably. "Are you mad at me about how I handled this case?" he finally asked, hesitantly.

"Davis confessed on the stand," Olivia replied carefully. "What if they found him guilty of man one?"

He noticed she didn't say no. "It was never gonna happen—"

"Because you're so good?" Olivia stopped and spun to face him, cutting off his path. "Barba, how much of this was about Davis...and how much of it was about you?"

Though Rafael looked puzzled, a hot ball of anxiety curled in his stomach. "What do you mean?"

"The way that you had to leave," she said, gently. That hot ball began to swell, rising into his chest and adding a little guilt to the mix. "Maybe you weren't defending him," Olivia continued. "Maybe...you were defending yourself."

Sonny's anguished face passed through his mind. I don't know what this case is doing to you, but you're not acting yourself. He hadn't known what Carisi was talking about, but it was clear his partner hadn't been the only one to see it. Oh, Dominick. I'm so sorry. "We can't change the past," he said softly.

Olivia's expression mirrored his own sadness. "I just miss it," she murmured. "And you. That's all."

"Me too." He looked away. "This past year's been all about loss."

"Well, let's hope that this year's a better one."

Barba smiled waveringly. "Happy New Year, Liv."

"Happy New Year." She squeezed his arm in farewell as he headed away to catch a train. Once he was safely inside a car, he sank heavily into a seat and pinched the bridge of his nose. He had a long ride to reflect on the last week, this case, and everything that had happened.

Sonny was stretched out on his back that evening across their bed. He was clad in a white t-shirt and his boxers, an ice pack draped across his tired eyes. It was late, and he wanted nothing more than to toss the ice aside and crawl under the blankets. But even that much effort seemed like too much at that moment. Rafael had still been with his mother when Sonny had returned home, so he grabbed a sandwich, took a hot shower, and slipped into sleepwear. Now he wanted to sleep off the stress of the last week and not wake up for another.

He was half-dozing, so he missed when the front door opened and closed, and soft footsteps came down the hall. He didn't even notice when Barba entered the room and leaned against the doorframe. So he jumped when his partner's voice suddenly filled the room.

"I was afraid you wouldn't come home tonight."

Sonny jerked and grabbed the ice from his eyes. "Geez," he said, pressing his hand to his chest. "Scare a guy half to death."

Rafael grinned. "Sorry, I thought you heard me come in."

"I was half asleep," Sonny said, rolling to his side and propping his head up on one elbow. "I was trying to wait up for you, but…"

"…but you're exhausted." Rafael draped his suit jacket over a corner chair and kicked off his shoes. He stood next to the bed hesitantly, as though he was unsure if Sonny wanted him there.

He offered a half-smile and patted the bed next to him. "We both are." Rafael crawled onto the bed with a grateful smile and stretched out on his back next to Sonny. "Can we agree that we will never go up against each other in the courtroom again?"

"It was stressful to say the least." Rafael sighed. "I want to practice law again, Sonny. It felt…good to be back in a courtroom and feeling like I was doing something." He looked over at his partner. "But I can't be a prosecutor anymore. When I was an ADA, everything was black and white. Now…not so much."

"What's been going on with you?" Sonny asked softly. "I meant what I said. You haven't been acting yourself." He held up a hand to cut off Barba's interruption. "I know that you've been through a lot and things have changed, and you were a defense attorney this time and not a prosecutor. I get that. But…I dunno, something just felt…off."

Carisi didn't pull away when Rafael idly ran a fingertip up and down his chest as he spoke. "I ran into Liv after I left the bar this afternoon," he began quietly. "She pointed out something I didn't necessarily want to hear. I had a couple of long train rides to think it over going out to the Bronx and back."

"What did she say?"

It twisted Sonny's heart to see Rafael bite his lower lip and stare at an unidentified spot on Sonny's t-shirt. "She asked if I was defending Davis or myself."

He exhaled. "Oh Rafael."

"I think," Barba said slowly a hitch in his voice, "to some degree she may have been right. Everyone kept tossing around words like vigilante and making snide comments about lawlessness, and deep down I realized that's…that's how people that I know – even people I care about – see me now."

"I don't," Sonny said, tenderly.

"Don't you?" Rafael still refused to meet his eyes. "You called Mickey a vigilante during jury selection."

"Mickey. Not you." Sonny reached an arm out and pulled Rafael against him. "I think in your head you were getting the two of you mixed up."

Face buried in Sonny's shoulder, Rafael simply nodded.

He slid his other arm under his partner and pulled him close, cupping the back of his head with one hand. He felt Rafael shudder in his arms, and he knew this case had been every bit as hard on his partner as it had been on him. Guilt washed over him when he felt hot, wet tears on his shirt front, and he tightened his grip on Barba. And, quietly, they lay there together for several minutes just soaking in the comfort of one another.

"We haven't done such a great job of communicating with each other over the last week, have we?" Sonny finally broke the silence.

Rafael shook his head. "No, we haven't."

Carisi kissed his temple. "I'm sorry I didn't see how hard this has been on you, too."

"In your defense," Rafael said as he lifted his head, "I was doing a damned good job of being an arrogant ass to cover it up."

The red-rimmed green eyes and tearstained cheeks twisted Sonny's heart. "I should know you well enough by now to know that you are really good at becoming more of an arrogant ass when you're feeling insecure."

Rafael let out a bitter laugh. "That's true." He paused. "I want to practice criminal law again," he finally said. "I love it. I'm good at it."

"But you can't be a prosecutor again."

Slowly, he shook his head. "No, Dominick, I just can't do it." He smirked wryly. "Besides, I'm not sure the DA's office would take me back."

Sonny laughed. "I don't even think you could talk fast enough to convince Jack McCoy to take you back." He traced a finger along Rafael's jaw. "Whatever you want to do, babe, I'll support you."

"Thank you," he said, tears threatening to well up in his voice again. He paused for a moment to gather himself. "I'm sorry I haven't supported you better."

Silence hung between them. "What?" Sonny finally said, taken aback.

"I realized the other day that I had never seen you in action in the courtroom," Rafael said, softly. "Jury selection was the first time I had been to see you as a prosecutor. I…I should have been there to support you for your first case, and I wasn't."

"Rafi, you were fighting your own demons," he replied gently. "You weren't ready to be in that courtroom."

"I should have sucked it up for your sake," he retorted. "I should have been there for you. And I'm sorry. Forgive me?"

"There's nothing to forgive." And to punctuate his statement, he captured Rafael's lips in a deep, tender kiss. "I'll repeat my question," he said. "Can we agree to never face each other in court again?"

Rafael smiled. "Counselor, I will do my best."