The Good, the Bugs, and the Daffy

by mr. 96

On the distant planet of L'D'rado, the lawless city of Buzzard Gulch gets a visit from a long-eared gunslinger with phenomenal aim and a fast rayvolver, who will shake up the lives of everyone on the planet-the sheriff, outlaws, and ranchers. The first of Mr. 96's Strange Stories to become a full-fledged fanfic!

2. Chapter 2

Mr. 96: Here it is, the real non-April Fool's Day second chapter of The Good, the Bugs, and the Daffy, released on Bugs Bunny's birthday!

The entire town of Smayk Bite Junction stood in awe of the long-eared stranger's accomplishments. "Gwanny, Gwanny!" A little bird said, pulling on an old woman's dress. "I tawt I taw da notowious Ophiuchus Gang!"

"Thufferin' thuccotash!" a tuxedo cat in a tuxedo exclaimed, "That long-eared thtranger jutht defeated them! I've never even theen anyone thtand up to outlawth in thith town!"

"That wabbit's a weaw shawpshootew," a short man in a coonskin cap and tan tights said, "An' that's coming fwom the pwanet's gweatest L'D'wadan Devil huntew!"

Everyone began cheering for the long-eared stranger so loudly that Daffy could hear it from his office. "Deputy!" he shouted, "What's that racket all about!"

"I'll go che-ah-chi-uh-chaaa-see what the hubbub's about!" Porky said, and peeked through the blinds, "It looks like they're chee-ah-che-uh…."

"Oh for Pete's sake, Deputy!" Daffy angrily said, pushing him out of the way, "I'll sort this out!" He grabbed his rayvolver belt and put it on, heading out.

Everyone in Smayk Bite Junction was tossing the rabbit in the air. "Three cheers for the long-eared stranger!" an old woman said. "Savior of our town!"

Daffy was furious. When he destroyed town property in the line of duty, it meant an earful of yelling from the mayor and townsfolk. But here was this long-eared stranger getting praised for doing the same thing, and he was getting praised for it! "Alright, break it up!" he shouted, walking up to the long-eared strangers. "I'm arresting this long-eared stranger for destruction of property!"

"Hey, wait a minute!" Bugs said, "I only did dat 'cause of da notorious Ophiuchus Gang!"

"Oh come on, that's a likely story!" Daffy shouted, "If there was a robbery over there, I'd have been notified by the saloon's silent alarm! And even if I grant you it's silent, I still don't see any bandits anywhere!"

"What are you talkin' about?" Bugs said, "Da gang are…." He looked around to see that the Ophiucus Gang had already disappeared. "Where did dey go?"

Meanwhile, far away from Buzzard Gulch, the Ophiuchus Gang were climbing a cliff. "God-dang it, Marv!" Sam shouted, pulling himself up. "What're we doin' all the way out here? I say we should go back to Smayk Bite Junction and call that durn rabbit out!"

"As I explained previously," Marvin said, rolling his eyes before taking out a map, "The long-eared stranger has demonstrated outstanding marksmanship. Challenging him to an open gunfight would be an exercise in futility. However, the great thing about hybrid genres like science fiction and western is that sometimes one expects the one but gets the other!"

Sam scratched his head in confusion. "Whaddya mean by that?" he asked.

"I mean to say that there are many strange and dangerous beasts in this planet," Marvin said, not even looking at Sam, "The most famous of which is no doubt the L'D'radan Devil, which plagues many a gowell-ranch. But we are looking for a rarer and far more dangerous creature." He turned to face Sam. "The Goss'm'r! A mass of hair and muscle known for eating travelers and stealing their boots!"

"That thing's real?" Sam said incredulously, "I always thought that was just a buncha horse pucky made by people who were too embarrassed to admit they went number two on the trail!"

Marvin chuckled. "Oh no, the Goss'm'r is far more than a combination of folklore, misidentification and hoaxes!" he said, "Perhaps you've heard of the Battle of Ginger Canyon? According to the surviving miners from that incident, they were attacked by a red-furred monster who threw rocks at their cabin's roof after one of them shot at it with a rayfle!"

He took at look at his map. "This is the spot!" he said, then took out an Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator. "All we have to do now is enrage the beast!" He lit the fuse and then tossed it down into a ravine. Instantly there was a huge explosion, accompanied by rumbling that sounded decidedly non-explosion-related.

Out from the ravine climbed a grumbling monstrosity of red fur. It seemed to be climbing almost entirely with its arms, which was no surprise given that on its feet were a pair of cowboy boots that offered little in the way of ankle mobility. Still, it seemed to be making good time up.

"There, you see?" Marvin said, smugly adjusting his jacket. "I do believe this is where your expertise with animal-handling comes in, Sam!"

"Well, why ain't ya said so?" Sam grumbled, moving forward. "HEY YOU BIG RED VARMINT!" he shouted at the top of his lungs at the creature in the ravine. "I read you're a-scared o' people, so if you don't want me comin' on down there, you'll go eat yerself the rabbit that's a-hangin' out in Buzzard Gulch!"

The monster seemed to climb at the exact same pace he did before, giving absolutely no indication of having heard Sam. Marvin, knowing all too well that Sam was about to do something tremendously stupid, slowly and quietly walked backwards toward a large rock he could hide behind. "Didn't you hear me, ya big red galoot?" Sam asked angrily, jumping down onto the creature's back. "YAH, MULE!" he shouted, pulling at the Goss'm'r's hair, "GO GET THAT RABBIT! YAH! YAH!"

The creature let out a minor grumble, but made its way up out of the ravine nonetheless. "Good work, ya big stupid critter!" Sam shouted, "Now get goin' already an' squash that rabbit!" He pulled on Goss'm'r's hair again. "YAH, MULE!"

Marvin, who had made it behind the rock, watched as the Goss'm'r started running, trying to bash into much larger rocks to get Sam off him. "WHOA, MULE!" Sam said, "I said WHOA, ya stupid mess o' hair!"

Finally having enough of the small loud man on his back, the Goss'm'r reached behind itself and grabbed Sam, picking him up off his back and throwing him into the ground hard enough to leave a Sam-shaped crater in the ground. As it stormed off in the general direction of Buzzard Gulch, Marvin waddled over to the hole. "Ohhhhh…." Sam mumbled woozily, "Anyone get the truck o' that there number?"

"Thank you very much, Sam!" Marvin said, picking him up from the hole and dusting him off. "You saved me the trouble of having to use the remainder of my Illudium PU-36 explosive space modulators! Very considerate of you given how much of them your errant bravado cost me in that saloon!"

Meanwhile, back at Buzzard Gulch, Daffy had been convinced by the angry townsfolk that the long-eared stranger was telling the truth, and was watching from the side as they threw him up into the air.

"An' I'm real sorry about disintegratin' the last of your place like that, miss, but…."

"Oh, don't worry about it!" a blonde-haired bunny said, "With the money those crooks would have stolen, we'll be able to rebuild it in no time!"

"Well, I still feel real bad, especially since I ain't got a place to stay no more!" the long-eared stranger said.

"Oh, don't worry about that, dearie!" the old woman said, "You can stay at my ranch, we'd love to have you!"

"Can you believe it?" Daffy complained to his deputy, "This loser destroys an entire saloon dealing with the notorious Ophiuchus Gang and they all praise him for it, but when I disintegrate one store's sign….."

"Ac-ac-actually, I'm pre-uh-pre-uh-quite sure you did that more than once," Porky stuttered, "And-and-and the entire general store, and the repairman's office, and the….."

"Nevermind the details, Deputy!" Daffy said, cutting him off, "We've got to make sure this stranger leaves town before…."

"Well, howdy to ya, stranger!" the mayor said, walking into the crowd, "My name's Foghorn Leghorn, an' ah'm the mayor of this little ol' town!" He shook the rabbit's hand profusely. "An' ah'm just pleased, ah say, pleased as punch to see a gunfighter o' your obvious caliber in Buzzard Gulch!"

"I—" the long-eared stranger said, before Foghorn brought a finger up to his face.

"Don't interrupt, son!" the mayor said, "Now, election season is comin' up, ah say, comin' up in a few weeks, an' ah think the town could do well with a gunslinger like you for a sheriff!"

"Now hold on!" Daffy said, storming his way to the stranger and the mayor. "I'm the sheriff of Thmayk Bite Junction and you…."

"Not now, Daffy!" Foghorn said, "Can't you see I'm workin' here? Anyway, Daffy here's as incompetent as sheriffs come, ah say, he's a darnfool idjit! Pickin' him as mah runnin' mate last year was the biggest mistake of my life! But you…."

"EVERYONE RUN!" A thin man with a big nose screamed, "THE GOSS'M'R'S A-COMIN'!"

"Da what now?" the long-eared stranger asked, his eyes widening.

"Awww, that's just a ghost story!" Daffy shouted.

"Daffy's right, everyone!" Mayor Leghorn said, "That darnfool chicken of a man—an' I can say that on account '' bein' a rooster—is just funnin' with everyone again!"

But the mayor's words were quickly disproven when a gigantic mass of crimson hair came bounding to the town's edge. "Of course, I could be wrong…." The mayor gulped, before turning to Daffy. "Hey, Daffy!" he said, "If y'all want me to reconsider pickin' the long-eared stranger as mah next runnin' mate, do somethin'!"

Porky: "Thee-ah-thee-ah-thee-ah-that's all, folks!"