"Lucy, I don't understand — why didn't you say something?"
"I did say something, Tim." It comes out sounding more shrill than she intends. Something about his response is putting her on the defensive. She pushes a frustrated hand back through her hair and blows out a slow breath. How can a man as smart as Tim Bradford be so damn stupid?
"What?! When?" Tim demands, and this time it's his emotions that are clearly evident through the tone of his voice.
Recognition dawns in his eyes. "Wait – you mean last year? On your last day of training? That stupid prank?"
Lucy sucks in a breath because while, yes, the prank may have been idiotic, her feelings were very, very real and it stings to hear him refer to her heartfelt words as stupid.
Her voice is soft when she finally responds. "What was I supposed to do, Tim? You were going to reject me."
"No! I — You rejected me, Lucy."
"What?! How?"
"How do you think that made me feel, Lucy? You blindsided me and then turned it into a joke. You made me feel like a complete idiot for thinking you could ever have feelings for me."
He runs a hand over his face, trying to reign in his aggravation. "So you're saying what you said that day — before you turned it into a prank — you meant those things?"
Lucy nods, trying to ignore the panic rising in her chest as the idea of putting herself out there for a second time and being rejected again becomes a very real possibility.
"That was over a year ago…" He shakes his head with disbelief. His mind whirs back through bits and pieces of the last year, seeing them in an entirely different light — her jealousy over Katie Barnes and then over him choosing Webb for the aide role, her surprise that he'd asked out Ashley, the weird push and pull attitude she'd had toward their relationship alternately telling him to dump Ashley and then listen to her, her obsession with the idea he might be proposing…
All culminating in her showing up on his doorstep at well past an appropriate hour for an unannounced drop-in, not even a week after he'd told her he ended things with Ashley. He'd barely closed the door behind her when she'd blurted that she thinks she might be in love with him.
"But you and Chris…"
She laughs, but there's no humor in it. "You set me up with Chris, Tim. Tell me you're not into me without telling me you're not into me."
Her eyes fill and she looks away. Tim feels a dull ache in his chest. He would never in a million years intentionally hurt her.
"Lucy, I — " and he isn't quite sure what to say, isn't quite sure how he feels about any of this. It feels like someone has viciously taken a pair of scissors to the very fabric of the last year, to everything he thought he knew about their relationship.
He tries again, "Lucy — you are so important to me, but —"
Her tears are falling freely now and she swipes at her cheeks. "Oh my god — please just stop, Tim. I can't take another rejection. Please just let me go. I just want to go home."
He blinks in confusion because he is holding her in place. Still, he doesn't even remember closing the distance between them, doesn't even remember wrapping his fingers around her upper arms, and he is not even entirely sure he'll remember this as he lifts a hand to wipe her tears.
"I don't want to let you go, Lucy."
Her pretty brown eyes are filled with hurt and confusion. "What does that even mean, Tim?"
Tim presses his eyes closed because hell if he knows. "I just — I need a minute, okay. You dropped a lot on me, and you've apparently had over a year to process this, and I — "
She's attempting to pull out of his grip, "I shouldn't have come here. I thought…"
"You thought what, Lucy?"
Her voice breaks. "I thought this was going to go really differently. That maybe you — I don't know, but I didn't think you'd be mad at me for telling you how I feel."
F*ck. "I'm not mad at you, okay? I'm just confused and feeling a little blindsided." And yup, he can hear it now — the harshness in his tone stemming from the unexpected stress of having the foundation of one of the most important relationships in his life threatened.
And suddenly he feels like he is on the verge of tears. "I don't want to lose you, Lucy."
"I don't want to lose you either, Tim. But —" she pauses to swallow, clearly overwhelmed by her emotion. "I can't do it anymore. This past year — it's too hard. To have to be around you all the time. To know you're happy with someone else. To know you can't see me the way I see you."
"What are you saying?" Tim asks, finally releasing her and taking a step back. He can feel himself closing off, feel his walls starting to rebuild as, yet again, one of the people he cares most about in this world is showing him they are ready and willing to walk away.
"I don't know," she raises her hands to cover her mouth as a sob escapes her. "I'm so sorry; I really didn't think it was going to end like this."
She turns to leave and he feels like his heart is splitting in half. This is wrong. This could not be more wrong.
Something is rising up in his throat and he's not even entirely sure how he gets the words out around it, "Don't say that… please don't say that…"
She pauses, but doesn't turn to face him. She raises her hand to swipe at her tears, and god, he hates this.
He doesn't want to be the reason she's sad and hurting. He only ever wants to give her what she's given him. The truth… even when it hurts. Support… even when he is doing his damndest to push her away. Love… even when he's done nothing to deserve it.
He realizes it then — that this isn't like those other times that have carved themselves into his heart, unwilling to let him forget what it is to be hurt in the worst possible way by someone you love.
It couldn't be more different. She came here to tell him she loves him. That she wants to get closer, not further.
She's not the one choosing to leave; he's the one choosing to push her.
He thinks about how strong she is — how absolutely terrifying it must have been to show up here and reach for him, with no idea how things would turn out. But somehow she still decided it was worth it — that he was worth it. She never stops surprising him, never stops amazing him.
She is hands down one of the best people he's ever known — sassy and tough and silly and somehow perpetually filled with something he doesn't know how to describe other than pure and unadulterated kindness.
"Lucy," he tries, and he can still barely get it out around the swell of emotion in his throat. "Come here… please come here."
He opens his arms as she turns to face him and she's closed the distance before he even has a chance to wonder if she'll even come. Because that's just exactly who she is.
He squeezes his eyes closed and wraps his arms around her, pulling her as close as he possibly can and just breathes her in.
This is good. This is so much better. This could not be more right.
They stand there hugging for far too long, but god it feels good — to be physically close to her like this.
It's absurd because they see each other almost every damn day and it's not like they don't ever touch.
But this is different. They don't get to do this. Touch each other with the explicit purpose of showing love and care and affection — those instances are few and far between, exiled to only their very worst moments.
She's still crying softly against his chest but she's hugging him back as tightly as he is hugging her.
Tim finally takes a deep breath. He knows he needs to say something. That a hug isn't going to magically set things right between them again.
"Lucy?" he tries softly.
For a moment she clings to him, as if unwilling to let the moment end. He can't blame her — he would choose this, choose to stay here forever if they could. In a simple place where all that matters is how much they care about each other without any of the other complications.
She finally pulls back to look up at him, her eyes watery and uncertain.
"You — uh —" he tries. Shit. This is going to be hard.
Because it's strange and it's new and it's really damn hard not to be able to hide behind teasing and sarcasm and mock irritation. It's terrifying to be willingly vulnerable — but she'd done it for him, and he just wants to be able to give her something back.
"You know I care about you right?"
Confusion flickers across her gaze, and she hesitates in a way that makes his heart ache. But finally, she simply nods.
He sucks in another breath, "I do. I do really care about you. But you're also," he can feel her body tense in his arms, "You're also really, really important to me, Lucy."
She softens and tilts her head slightly, "You're really important to me too, Tim."
He shakes his head, trying to parse through the mess of thoughts and feelings floating in his head.
"You were the only person I wanted with me when I was dealing with all of that stuff with my dad and the house…"
She nods, "I wanted to be with you." She rests her head back against his chest and tightens her arms around him, and he is flooded with warmth as he feels a wave of affection for her overcome his whole body.
"Lucy, I'll be honest. I don't know what this looks like, or if…" he swallows. He doesn't want to hurt her, but he has to be honest. The truth… even when it hurts.
He loves her deeply. And she is unbelievably beautiful, inside and out. There's no question about that. But, if at any point he'd had a flicker of romantic interest toward her, he'd immediately quelled it with compartmentalization and if it had been there locked away somewhere, it had been effectively doused with water again after what he had believed to be her fake love confession.
So yeah… he's still muddled and confused. And not entirely sure there even is a road for them to follow, much less where it would lead.
He thinks back on that day in the shop — how her words had made him feel. How she had tugged at so many cords within him. Truly, even though the prank (when he thought it was a prank) had been offputting at best and hurtful at worst, he's glad she made the decision she did.
Because if she had kept going back then, he would have felt compelled to turn her down and put some distance between them, and he very well could have missed out on realizing that she was one of the very best things in his life.
He thinks about what she said — him setting her up with Chris, and she's right. He hadn't even thought twice about it.
Partially because he wanted her to be happy. But also maybe because he'd never questioned that no matter who she was with, she'd still be his in a completely different way.
He can see the hurt and disappointment in her eyes, but she nods vigorously. "It's okay, Tim. I don't want to pressure you. And I know I sprung this on you. I just —"
Her eyes fill and Tim can feel the ache deep in his chest. "I didn't want to miss my chance again, you know? To tell you how I feel…"
He leans down, pulling her closer as he buries his face into her neck. She is everything to him. He can't imagine his life without her — doesn't even really want to think about it.
She lifts a hand to the back of his neck to hold him, "But I didn't mean what I said earlier… I'm so sorry, Tim. I don't want to lose you, even if you can't — don't …" she pauses to take an uneven breath, and he straightens so he can see her. Her voice is soft, "I — I might need a little time but I'm not going anywhere."
The last bit of his walls come down because it's exactly what he needs to hear — that there are no conditions or contingencies. That they will figure it out no matter what it ends up looking like, romantic or platonic or anywhere in between.
She pushes up onto her tiptoes to press her lips to his cheek and it's so novel — having her this close, showing affection in this way. When she attempts to pull back, he holds her there. He angles his head so he can capture her lips, and yeah, it's more than a little weird. He's kissing his former boot and he's still her sergeant and there's not a universe in existence where this isn't going to be a complete and total nightmare to sort through, but he's trying not to worry about that right now. He's trying to focus on how it feels, trying to figure out what it could be like.
She's stiff with surprise at first and it takes her several beats before she begins to return the kiss, her hands slipping around his neck as he pulls her even closer.
Kissing her is like he feels when he's with her — soft and warm and sweet — but a million times better. And at first, it's even surprisingly comfortable.
But when her lips part a little more, he tries to think a little less and let his instincts take over. He slips his tongue between her lips, and when a breathy cross between a sigh and a moan escapes her… well, he definitely feels something. And maybe this whole idea isn't actually that crazy…
But there are still a million reasons why this shouldn't go any further tonight and, truthfully, why this shouldn't go further at all. He gives her a final sweet kiss before tightening his hold on her and shifting to press his lips to her forehead. "Please just be patient with me," he asks softly.
He pulls back to see her reaction, tenderly brushing his thumb over her cheek. Hoping she'll understand. He cradles her face with both of his hands. "You're my favorite person, Lucy. And I love you," he says simply. And it's not nearly as hard to admit as he thought it would be.
And maybe it's not quite the I love you she had come here tonight hoping to hear, but it fills her up all the same.
And yeah, she understands that maybe they aren't quite there yet. Maybe it'll be when he's not so fresh out of a relationship. Maybe it'll be when they are both ready to stop working together. Maybe it'll be after they've both had time to process and talk through what it could look like — if they chose to be an us.
Or maybe they'll never even get there at all.
But something has shifted between them tonight, and maybe wherever that leads will be even better.
Because he's never touched her like this — never been this tender.
He's never even truly let his walls completely down outside of moments where he just didn't have any capacity to keep them up even if he'd wanted to.
And in all of the time they've known each other, he's shown her he cares in a million different ways, but he has never once told her. And he's done that over and over tonight in so many different ways.
And the fact that he's so protective of what they have and scared of things changing between them? Well, she can understand that because she is, too.
He's choosing a lot of things tonight, to give her more of himself than he ever has before. And she's realizing that, for now, and for maybe even longer, it's enough. Maybe even more than enough.