Note: This is basically what season 19 episode 19 "Sunk Cost Fallacy" would be like if Alex and Liv were exes and Liv and Amanda were together. References and direct quotes from this episode were used.
Olivia gasped and leaned forward, her eyes wide and mouth slightly agape with shock. She couldn't believe her eyes. The woman with the woman and children their army-guy bounty-hunter had… kidnapped?- honestly, Liv had no idea what she and Carisi were seeing; the woman seemed to have gotten into the car willingly but it was all very suspicious- was Alex Fricken Cabot. How long had it been since they'd seen each other? Since they talked? Three years now- maybe four? Olivia's heart ached with pain and raced in excitement at the same time. Her mind filled with memories and conflicting emotions. She remembered the first time they'd met. She'd been temporary stunned by the blonde's regal beauty, at first, and impressed by her confidence and skill. Then she'd been enraged by her coldness, her lack of sympathy for victims, her ambition. Her attraction faded at it but never went away. Then her crush grew once Alex started to truly care. She was no longer heartless but passionate. Longing. A drunken, accidental kiss. Flashes of alabaster skin. Soft lips and hair and touches. A husky voice moaning, "Liv. Oh yes, Olivia!" Short-lived happiness as they dated and fell in love only for it to come crashing down in a hail of bullets. Devastation (Alex is dead!) followed by elation (Alex isn't dead!) followed by devastation again (Alex is gone). A single, emotional night in a hotel a year later only for the barely-healed scar on her heart to be ripped open when Alex was suddenly gone once more. Time and distance had healed her heart. Her love for Alex had faded, though not disappeared, and became nearly painless. Word that Alex had come back but hadn't reached out stirred up bitterness and hurt. Irritation when they were forced to work together again. Mistakes were made; words were said out of anger, that were meant to hurt like she had been hurt, but that she didn't actually mean deep down. Forgiveness. Possibility. Love beginning to rekindle. Then more hurt and confusion and anger when Alex left. Again. It seemed she couldn't keep anyone she loved. Her mother, Alex, Casey, Calvin, Elliot. A text. 'Hi, Liv- Olivia- Detective Benson. I'm not sure if I'm even allowed to say your name anymore. It's Alex. I'm back from Africa. I know that I've hurt you, but all I want to do is see you again to tell you about it. I know you're the only one who'd understand. I'm sure, however, that you probably don't want to see me. Which is why I'm giving you warning. I'm coming back to SVU. At least for a little while. However you wish to handle seeing me again, I will accept, but I hope you forgive me one day. I know it's not fair of me to say, but I still love you. And I miss you. I hope there's a part of you that still loves and misses me too.' It was both cruel and kind. In too dark of a place, Olivia ignored it. Ignored her. Her first case back- the Distasio case, seeing Alex in Cragen's office, she continued to ignore her. They only talked about the case, but if Liv had had her way they wouldn't have even done that. But, of course, Alex had been right; there was a part of her that still loved Alex and missed her, and she couldn't help agreeing to let Alex try to earn her forgiveness. A sort of date. An idea to go ice skating. "Well, this was a start." Part of Olivia really meant it, really hoped for a new beginning. It helped that Alex seemed okay to take things at Liv's pace. After Alex stopped coming around SVU, they kept in touch and saw each other a few times, but Olivia kept her at an arm's length. Though that part of her that loved Alex would always be there it seemed, it wasn't enough. She knew Alex would only hurt her again. So when Alex inevitably ghosted her, she wasn't even that surprised or hurt. Maybe a little offended. And she'd wondered why. Why had she ghosted her, obviously, but also why wasn't she good enough for Alex?
She felt the emotions like it was happening all over again. She had difficulty breathing as she stared at the other woman. Unlike most people, the blonde only got more beautiful with age. Olivia wanted to run, cry, and confront her all at once, demand to know why she had stopped responding to Liv's messages. A small part of her wanted to run into her arms, kiss her senseless, and have Alex tell her that she would never leave her again, even if Olivia wouldn't believe her. At the distance, Alex didn't see her watching; she was speaking to the woman and her young sons. Then she was guiding them into her own car while the bounty-hunter drove off. Before she could think about what she was going to say, Olivia jumped out of the car and walked briskly across the street before Alex's driver could take them all away. 'Focus on work,' she told herself.
The first thing out of her mouth was not what she'd planned. "I thought you moved to Florida," she said with a smaller amount of venom than she felt. "Like the rest of the retired ADAs." Because all she had been able to find out was that Alex had quit her job.
Alex didn't seem shocked to see her. But then, she had always had a remarkable poker-face. "Florida makes my hair frizzy," she joked.
"Yeah, well, who wants a kidnapper with frizzy hair?" Two could play at this game.
"No one's being kidnapped," Alex told her. "I only help people who wanna be helped."
"Yeah? Like Jules and Ruby Hunter?"
Now, Alex looked shocked. It was clear the blonde was at a loss for words. A rare thing.
Liv, however, had plenty to say. "Ruby is four years old, Alex. At the very minimum, you're an accomplice to kidnapping." Not that Olivia actually wanted to arrest her ex. No matter how pissed she was.
Indignantly, Alex responded, "I'm helping them start an extended vacation." Then she turned and started to walk away. Dismissed her.
Angered even further, Liv stalked after her. "You faked their deaths. You planted evidence." Did Alex really not see that she was involved in a huge wrongdoing?
Alex whirled around. Cockily, she said, "Technically, the police misread the facts."
Liv wanted to slap that haughty expression off her ex's face. "Don't play games with me, Alex. Please." she ordered, trying to sound stern but not fully mastering it. 'You already played enough games with me.' She continued silently in her head. The added please was a little more revealing than she'd hoped.
Alex's voice and eyes softened, but she didn't speak about the pain she'd caused Liv. "They were abused. I do what I have to do."
"Jesus," Liv breathed, shocked. Her blue eyes were clear, focused, full of conviction. She held no shame in her body posture. Her tone was almost proud. Alex truly thought she was doing the right thing. "Alex. Nick Hunter is sitting in Rikers," she reminded her. "Charged with murdering his wife and his daughter." A crime he didn't commit. Even if he wasn't completely innocent, he was at least innocent in that, and Liv didn't believe people should be punished for things they didn't do. Alex used to believe that too.
Alex scoffed, "It's not like he doesn't deserve it."
What had happened to the woman Liv used to know, used to love? This woman may look like Alex Cabot, speak like Alex Cabot, and hold herself like Alex Cabot, but she was a stranger. If she could do this, what else could she do? What else had she done? "How many husbands are- are sitting in prison because you decided to take the law in your own hands?"
"The law cannot protect these women."
"Yes! And nobody knows that better than I do! I live there!"
For the first time since they started speaking Alex looked like she might cry. She felt so much for these women she was "helping". Finally, there was the woman she used to love. Liv almost wanted Alex to go back to being a stranger. Her heart ached with the need to hold the blonde close, comfort her in the way she used to. She forced herself to keep going. "Look, we've both seen abuse. We- We put abusers in prison." She motioned between the two of them, reminding Alex that they had once been a team, united in their mission to stop abusers and begin the victims' journey into healing and freedom, into being survivors. She realized she was pleading with Alex to come back to her side, be on her team again. She was trying to save the blonde from herself. Because if she didn't arrest her, another cop might. Or worse. A husband could find out what she did and seek revenge. However she might feel about her ex, she didn't want her to die or get hurt or be locked behind bars.
Unfortunately, Alex either didn't care about her begging or their memory or she was too far gone to be reached that way. "What about the ones we couldn't?" she asked slowly.
"You can't break the law, Alex."
"Why the hell not?" Alex snapped.
Now, she was a stranger again. Slightly coldly, Liv responded, "Because it makes you a criminal, that's why."
Finally, Alex called Liv's bluff. "Are you gonna arrest me?" she dared.
Olivia had to look away. She should arrest Alex. If it were anyone else, she would. At the very least, she should take her back to the station and interrogate her. But even if she could bring herself to do that, she knew Alex would lawyer up immediately; they wouldn't get anything out of her, and Jules and Ruby could disappear forever. Making up her mind, she looked back at Alex. "Before I do anything, I'm gonna speak with Jules Hunter."
The blonde's expression softened but was otherwise unreadable. Then she simply looked away and nodded.
"Now," Liv told her.
Again, Alex nodded. She opened the passenger door and got inside. Liv left her to tell the driver that she was going to be following them. She got back into her own car and slammed the door. She clutched the dashboard, closed her eyes, and tried to calm down by focusing on her breathing. Carisi, bless him, gave her her moment and followed Alex's car in silence. When she finally leaned back, he looked over at her a couple of times in concern until he finally asked, "You good, Liv?"
"Not really," she told him.
He gave her a quick sympathetic look. "Wanna talk about it?"
She appreciated his worry but told him, "No." He wasn't the detective she wanted to talk to, to seek comfort from. But the one she wanted wasn't there. So she forced herself to focus on the case.
She and Alex talked to Jules together. The brunette woman told Liv the truth about her husband and his abuse, how she just wanted to get away with her daughter. She, after she got the idea from Alex, thought the only way she and Ruby would be safe is if Nick thought they were dead. Afterward, Alex wanted to confess herself; she wanted to tell Liv how and why she had turned her back on the law and become the person she was now. She, Liv, and Carisi went to a diner where Alex told them everything. Five years prior she had had a case. Typical domestic violence. The victim, the police, and Alex all did what they were supposed to do by law. Alex did her best to win the case, but the woman, Betty, fell apart on the stand. The case was dismissed, Betty returned home with her husband, and he proceeded to promptly blow her brains out. Alex had felt like, even though she had done everything in her power at the time, she still hadn't done enough. The lawbreaking didn't start right away; she had spent some time volunteering at a women's shelter, which only added fuel to the flame. Then she started helping women disappear, becoming part of a whole network who did what they felt they had to do by any means necessary.
Olivia understood the mentality. Of course she did. How many times had an abuser or rapist or trafficker gotten away with their crimes despite their best efforts? How many people had Olivia and her fellow police failed to protect? How many times had Liv grappled with the validation of her job, her heart's work? How many times had Liv imagined taking out a bad guy? Hell, there were times Liv herself had stretched the law to get what she wanted, played with the boundary between legal and illegal, right and wrong, risky and safe. But she would never do anything as extreme as what Alex was doing. Never would she cross the line this far. Yes, occasionally the legal system sucked; it didn't protect those it was supposed to protect or work for everyone. There were loopholes and fallacies and prejudices that shouldn't exist. But that didn't mean one could disregard it so completely. That didn't mean Olivia was okay with letting Nick Hunter go to prison for murder, even if he was an abusive asshole. He should only pay for what he did to Jules, no more, no less.
A compromised was reached. Liv would reduce the charges. Unfortunately, Alex was proven right. Everything went to shit. Nick Hunter found out his wife and daughter were alive and proved that if he couldn't have Jules, then no one could. Liv hoped for the best right up until the end. All the while, Alex had been trying convince Olivia to let her continue with her original plan, but Olivia made her play by the rules. Liv expected her to ignore her wishes, to go behind her back and take Jules and Ruby away anyway, but she didn't. She represented Jules in court. Despite herself, it was a sight to see Alex back in court again, commanding the room like she'd been born to do so. Olivia used to have a lot of wet-dreams about Alex in court; when they were dating, it fueled many of their sexy-fun-times. She couldn't stop the butterflies in her stomach or how everything else in the world except for Alex faded away. Counselor Alexandra Cabot was still sexy as fuck. When she realized where her mind had gone, she guiltily forced those thoughts away.
Later, Alex invited Liv to dinner and drinks. Liv, torn between wanting to say yes or no, eventually chose yes. They ordered an appetizer and red wine and discussed the case. Alex surprised her by being optimistic. Almost excited. There was a light in her eyes that hadn't been there before, a light she used to get when talking about a case.
"You liked being back in court didn't you?" Liv couldn't help but ask in a knowing tone, a smirk on her face. Maybe this was all Alex needed to come back to the Light Side of The Force. Maybe if they won, there'd be hope for them being friends again. Alex wouldn't have to cut her out anymore because she wouldn't be breaking the law. Now that they weren't arguing, Olivia realized how much she wanted Alex back in her life, even if it wasn't in the way she used to be.
Alex didn't answer; she just smiled before continuing her rambling about her game plan.
The moment was interrupted by the vibrating of her cell phone. Her stomach dropped when Carisi told her what had happened. In hindsight, she probably should've told Alex and had her come with her, but maybe subconsciously she didn't want to ruin Alex's good mood, her hope. Maybe she didn't want Alex The Pessimistic Lawbreaker to be right. Maybe both. Either way, she rushed off to the scene of the accident that killed Jules and injured Carisi. She didn't see Alex staring longingly after her.
Amanda was already there. She was sitting next to Sonny on the back of an ambulance and had a comforting hand on his back. As always, knowing Amanda was near eased some of her stress. For a brief moment, Liv wanted to run into her arms and tell her about what had been happening with Alex (they hadn't yet had the chance to go into any detail), but Sonny was hurt and in shock. He was hyperventilating, and Liv needed to reassure him, make sure he was okay, and find out what happened. He had a head wound that was bleeding steadily and was favoring his right arm or shoulder, but otherwise he just seemed traumatized by the accident and watching someone die right in front of him no matter how hard he tried to stop it. She also reassured him with a hand on his shoulder and leaned in close. While Amanda wasn't as touchy-feely as she was, they both doled out comfort through touch and physical closeness as they weren't always so great with words. Carisi relaxed incrementally at their nearness as he stuttered out an explanation. Liv had to see Jules' body for herself, and Amanda followed her. In the back of her mind, it pleased her that Amanda chose her instead of Carisi.
The next day saw Alex storming into SVU, her blue eyes full of fire and brimstone, obviously looking for another fight. She slammed the door to Liv's office and lit into her. Olivia could admit she didn't care for being on this end of Alex's fury. Once more, they argued about whether Olivia should've let Nick Hunter go down for murder. It was clear neither one was going to give in or change their mind. Olivia felt bad for Jules and Ruby, she truly did, but she had to follow the law. It hadn't worked out in their favor this time, but Olivia didn't regret it. And she wasn't going to give up on trying to get Nick the legal way. She had told Amanda about her suspicion that the accident had been a hit and to get the forensic evidence report about the crash. Unbeknownst to Olivia, Rollins had paused when she saw Alex and Olivia getting into each other's personal space and heard their loud arguing. She knew the two had history, knew that Liv had been hurt by the older blonde. She wanted to go to Olivia's defense, but she also didn't want to stick her nose in where it didn't belong. 'This is about work,' she told herself before finishing her walk to Liv's office and opening the door.
"Not now," Olivia told the intruder, annoyed, before seeing that it was Amanda. Then she was relieved.
Alex simply glared at her.
"I didn't want to interrupt," Amanda said honestly, "But the AIS report is back." If she put herself nearly between the two women, well, that was her business. She handed Liv the file.
As Liv read aloud what the findings were, she grew increasing disturbed. In that moment, she realized how lucky Carisi had been to walk away from that car with nothing but a head laceration that had needed a couple stitches and a dislocated shoulder. Protective rage on his behalf filled her as well as rage for Jules and at Nick Hunter and whoever had been the driver. Sometimes she really hated her job, God, and humanity. There was no need for this… this cruelty, this evil. What was wrong with these men who could just murder their wives like it was nothing? When there was such a thing as divorce, there was no valid reason. Her eyes, now wet with unshed tears, briefly rested on Amanda before she had to look away; if she kept looking, she might give in to her desire to throw herself at her. Alex, who had been staring at her, noticed how Liv looked at Amanda but wouldn't look at her.
"Your gut may have been right," Amanda told her softly. "It may have been a hit." She moved her eyes to Alex before moving them back to Olivia.
Liv took a deep breath. More composed now, she looked at Amanda as she told her, "So I wanna know everything," she took another steadying breath, "that Nick Hunter has done since Jules came back to the city. Credit cards. Phone calls…" She turned and went back behind her desk. "His conversations on the street."
Amanda nodded and obediently went to do as Liv ordered, shaking her head in disgust on her way out. She hoped Liv and Alex wouldn't start screaming at each other again. Liv didn't have the strength for that right now with how upset she was.
Thankfully, all Alex said was "Put this prick away, Liv."
Liv just nodded. They stared at each other in silence for another long moment, too many thoughts and emotions to put into words right now, before Alex left.
They didn't talk again until a couple days later. Liv and Amanda had had no luck on finding anything that would incriminate Nick, and it looked like he was going to win his lawsuit and get custody of his daughter. It was disheartening, to say the least. Liv knew she had done the right thing, but that didn't ease the guilt over what happened to Jules. Her actions, however right or wrong they were, led to Jules' death. But that was the curse that came with her job. You could do everything right and still fail. She'd failed this time. It sucked but she'd be okay in time. She'd let herself wallow for now (over a few drinks with Stone); later, she would pick herself up by her bootstraps and move on to the next case, and she would give that one her all too. Well, she wouldn't do it by herself. Amanda would help. Carisi and Fin too just by being there, even if the former was also wallowing. It was night when she got a text from Alex, asking if she could meet her and told her where. Olivia sensed this would be the last time she would be seeing Alex for a long time. Possibly forever. Part of Liv hoped it would be because next time she might have to arrest Alex, but part of her was also sad. So she went.
"Hey," Liv said as she approached Alex on the street. It was cold but not as cold as it had been; winter was slowly coming to an end. That was why, she told herself, she kept her hands in her pockets- not because she was feeling awkward and uncomfortable.
Alex smiled and greeted, "Hey." She motioned with her body in one direction, her hands also in her pockets, and requested, "Walk with me?"
Liv nodded, and they walked side-by-side, their arms almost touching. After a moment, Alex said, "Thanks for meeting me out here. I have to pick up another woman."
"I don't wanna know," Liv dismissed the topic.
"Judge Martinez granted Nick custody of Ruby."
"You're kidding."
Alex shrugged. "He's still her father." And they couldn't prove that he shouldn't have her.
Liv sighed, disappointed. "And the wheel goes round."
"That's what I've been saying. Sherry, Jules' sister, is fighting for custody of Ruby."
"Does she have a chance?" Liv asked hopefully.
Alex deadpanned, "You wanna know the truth?"
Liv wasn't sure she did. She stopped walking and faced Alex. "You know," she said. "Today, on the- I was on the subway platform, and I saw these two cockroaches, and they were pulling at different ends of a crust of bread." Alex looked slightly confused, not knowing where she was going with this, but gave Liv her full attention. Oh the feeling of being the center of Alex Cabot's full attention. She swallowed and kept going, "And then the bread tore and it fell onto the tracks and neither bug got their dinner."
Alex's face lit with hope. "Are you proposing we work together?"
That hadn't been the point of Liv's story; she'd been trying to say the exact opposite. The bread was Jules and the two cockroaches fighting over it, pulling it in contradicting directions, was Alex and Olivia. Alex was one cockroach, fighting to pull Jules towards the unlawful side. Olivia was the other, tugging Jules towards the law. They couldn't fight each other because, like the bread, this time, Jules had been the one put in danger. But they also couldn't both get their way. They'd tried that too and Jules was still murdered. She and Alex were not just on reverse sides of the page, they weren't even in the same book anymore. She answered, "I could never do what you do, Alex."
"And I can't stop," Alex told her, her voice breaking. She reached out and tucked Liv's hair behind her ear, lingering. "You know Olivia," she said softly. "In another life, you and I would be happily married. I'd be Noah's other mother. Maybe we'd have other children together too, and I wouldn't be doing what I do now because I never would've lost faith in the legal system. You wouldn't have let me."
"Alex," Liv breathed, her heart stuttering nervously.
But the blonde went on. "I love you, still, and I always will. And if your heart still belonged to me, I would choose you, I would stop. But it doesn't, so I can't."
Olivia wasn't sure if her heart was breaking or if she was finally feeling free from Alex's spell. Before she could formulate a response, Alex leaned in and kissed her. It was chaste but full of all the love Alex felt for her. In that moment, Olivia knew for certain, more certain than ever, that she no longer loved Alex like that anymore. She loved Amanda. Amanda who infuriated her as much as she invigorated her. Amanda who could comfort her when no one else could. Amanda who had won her over so slowly that Olivia hadn't realized it was happening until it was done. Amanda who chose and fought for Olivia at every turn. She loved Amanda's passion, her skill, her selflessness, her stubbornness. She loved how they could look at each other and know what the other was thinking. She loved how Amanda doted on Jesse and on Noah. The feelings she had felt for Alex, both recently and before, were miniscule in comparison to the ones she felt for Amanda. She could and did trust Amanda with her life as well as her heart. They weren't perfect- they didn't always agree, sometimes they fought and said things they didn't mean- but they were perfect for each other in a way she and Alex never were. They always made up, and they were almost always on the same page. Amanda was everything Olivia needed and Olivia was everything Amanda needed.
She gently pushed Alex away and took a step back. "I'm with Amanda now. My heart belongs to her."
Liv only confirmed her suspicions. Alex nodded, smiling sadly. "How long?"
"Two years." Since what had come to be called "The Townhouse Incident", when Liv had been taken hostage and she realized the extent of her feelings for Amanda, but Alex didn't need to know the whole story.
"Is she good to you?"
Olivia smiled. "Yeah. She- she really is."
"Then I'm happy for you, Olivia. I'm sad I'm no longer the woman you love, but I want you to be happy."
"I want you to be happy too, Alex." She paused before saying, "Be careful, okay?"
"I will. You too."
Olivia hugged Alex close, and Alex responded in kind. They held each other for a good, long minute before pulling away. Alex gave her one last small smile and then turned and walked away. Olivia was a big believer in closure. It didn't always come, but when it did it could be a huge step toward healing. As she watched Alex leave, she felt that chapter of her life close forever. A piece of her heart might always love Alex, just as it might always love Elliot and everyone else she had loved and lost, but now she knew where her heart truly lies. With Amanda Jo Rollins.
She turned and headed in the opposite direction to return to her home with her girlfriend and their children.