A/N: I know I said I would be away from here for a while since I was working on my multichapter fic but I thought I would post the first chapter now to get a feel for what you guys all think! For the moment, I will not have a posting schedule and will post when I finish each chapter so that I don't have a deadline to work to as that makes things a little bit more difficult for me. The time between updates should not take too long though, so hopefully, that will be okay. Happy reading!
From where he was sitting in the car, the engine still running, Georg watched his wife make her way through the yard to the farmhouse and waited for her to go inside and close the door behind her before slamming his hands on the steering wheel. He took the key from the engine and looked to the sky in an attempt to keep the tears from falling, carding a hand roughly through his hair, but it was no use and he failed to swallow the choked sob that tore free from his throat as the tears began to stream down his face. Knowing Maria needed him to be strong for her helped him ignore his feelings on their way home, but the fact of the matter was that he shared each of her feelings. Her rage, her confusion, her pain, her heartbrokenness…
When they got up that morning, they did so thinking they would have a quiet morning together with the children at school and then get ready to attend her appointment and be told that all was as it should be and they had nothing to worry about.
One of those things went the way they planned, but the other…
He knew something was wrong when the doctor found him in the waiting room and requested he stepped into his office for a moment so he could speak to him and Maria together. Hundreds of thoughts raced through his mind as he followed him into the little room and what he expected him to tell them, he was unsure at the time, but he could say with confidence he never once expected him to come out with what he did when they were all seated. He could still hardly believe it now, truly.
It took him a while to get his words out as he was clearly nervous to tell them the truth about his findings, but he got there in the end and their hopes and hearts were shattered when he told them he was unable to hear a heartbeat. Being told that, they were certain that there was nothing he could go on to say that would be worse, but they had been mistaken yet again. He said it was his belief that she was suffering from a rare psychological condition called pseudocyesis or, in much simpler terms, a phantom pregnancy, and what brought it on was a combination of both her infertility struggles and her longing for a child. She wanted it so much that her body tricked her brain into thinking she was pregnant and gave her the symptoms.
For nearly three months, she battled horrendous nausea and vomiting and fatigue without complaint. It was the thought of their baby growing within her and of cradling it in her arms at the end of all of it that helped her through, so it came as no surprise to him when he looked at her and watched the light leave her eyes. She blocked out all the doctor said and looked right through him and not much changed in the car. It usually took about twenty minutes to get back from the surgery, but the traffic had been awful and so it had been more like forty today and her sitting there silently only made it drag more. He could never blame her for that though. It was painful enough for him to bear, so how much more painful must it be for her?
Once he had sat there in the car for a little while longer, he decided she probably needed him and it was time for him to go inside and so he palmed away his tears and composed himself. Clearing his throat, he straightened his tie and climbed out of the car before making his way across the yard as she had minutes earlier and entering the house through the front door. He hung his hat and coat up on the hooks on the wall and tossed the keys onto the dining table, a deep sigh escaping him as he ran a hand over his face while walking through the kitchen to the sitting room. Maria was knelt on the rug in front of the fireplace when he got there, a box of matches in hand, and he frowned. "Darling, what are you doing?" He asked gently.
She gave him no response as she opened the box and struck one of the matches, but she had no need to.
It became obvious when he glanced at the armchair and saw the pile of beautiful baby cardigans and hats she knitted.
He stood and watched her for a moment as she set the crumpled pieces of newspaper in the hearth alight and took hold of the fire poker, but when she leaned back on her legs he began to cautiously make his way up behind her. He knelt down at her side then, reaching out to press a hand into the small of her back, and sighed as he watched her watch the flames grow higher. "I remember when you started knitting those. You worked so hard and put so much time and love into every single one. I want you to think about this before you go through with it because you can't take it back, Maria." He told her quietly.
"I made them for a baby I made up," Her voice was no higher than a whisper, her attention remaining fixed on the flames as she chuckled under her breath and poked the logs and paper in the hearth with the poker in her hand. "I was so desperate for a child of my own that my body felt the need to lie to me and let me believe it could truly happen for us. Why on earth I decided to believe it after losing three babies in the space of one year, I have no idea, but I did and so I technically brought this on both of us if you think about it. I told you I could feel the baby moving around and that I thought I might be getting rounder, but it was all this stupid ruse and now we have to take care of it and make the children aware that I'm going mad."
"Enough of this…" He soothed, palming circles into her back in an attempt to comfort her. "You are not going mad."
"No? Then explain to me why this happened. Explain to me why, for three whole months, I put plans in place for a baby that was nothing more than a figment of my imagination. Explain it, Georg." She demanded as she finally looked him in the eye.
He could only look at her for a time as a lump came to his throat and he swallowed it, refusing to allow his emotions to get the better of him again. "I think this is a result of how unhappy you are," He replied. "I admire you for how brave a face you put on in front of the children and down at the schoolhouse, I mean that, but I hate that you need to. I hate knowing you're so unhappy and I want to be able to change that more than anything, but I know the only way to do so is to give you a child and I have no idea if that is going to happen for you and I. If I could promise you it is then I would, but I have no means to."
When a tear trickled down her cheek, she reached for his hand and squeezed it. "I think this is our sign to give up."
"You mean…"
"Mmm-hmm. I can't do this anymore, Georg, I can't keep putting myself through this because it wears me out and it…"
He dropped her hand and turned to her before she even had the chance to finish her sentence, taking her face gently in his hands and letting his thumbs caress her cheeks, and she stopped talking and simply looked at him for a second. "You have no need to explain yourself to me," He told her with a shake of his head. "I know how challenging this has been for you, not only on the mental side of things but the physical too, and your strength and determination over the past year has amazed me. I want a baby with you more than anything, you know that, but you are ultimately more important to me than whether or not we have one and if you feel you need to stop for your own health then we'll stop. I support you completely, my love."
"I know you do and there are no words for how much I love you for that," Her voice trembled and she let her eyes drift shut when he leaned in and placed a tender kiss on her lips. "I have no idea how to tell the children about this when they get in."
"Would it be easier for you if I told them? I worry it may do you more harm than good to bring it all up again." He said.
"If you would do that for me then I would appreciate it," She nodded. "I think you might explain it a bit better than I would."
"I doubt that because I still don't truly understand it myself, but I'll try to put it as simply for them as I can," He allowed one hand to fall from her face so he could reach up and run it over her golden hair. "Now, what are you going to do with those?"
Turning in place, she looked at the pile of baby things on the armchair and sighed at feeling him run a hand down her back a second time. "I honestly have no idea. Part of me wants to burn them so I can be rid of them and they won't be around as a reminder of this, but part of me feels that I should save them in case, by some miracle, we end up with a baby someday. I can't decide which part I should listen to though, so I was hoping you might make the decision for me. Tell me what to do."
He smiled. "Only you can decide what to do, darling, but I will support you no matter which decision you make on this."
"But…but I really can't think what I want to do right now."
"Then you and I will have to sit here together until you're able to."
"But it could take forever." She reminded him, leaning against his chest when he wrapped his arm around her shoulders.
"I have forever," He buried his lips in her hair. "I am prepared to sit here for as long as you need me to, I promise."
For the first time, the smile that graced her features was genuine. "I love you."
"And I love you," He said to her in a gentle voice. "And I will continue to do so no matter what comes…"
He reached over and opened the door on the passenger-side as Marta and Gretl hurried down the steps at the front of the school and made a beeline for the motorcar, satchels in hand, and he gave Gretl a smile when she clambered into the front seat while Marta got in the back and shut the door behind her. He recalled the argument they had when he was taking them to school that morning, Gretl frustrated that Marta always got to sit in the front on account of being older while she had to sit in the back, so he told her she could sit in the front with him on the way home for a change and she was clearly over the moon about it. "Look at this, Father, look at this!" The seven-year-old reached into her satchel. "I got an award for science!"
"Oh, that is wonderful, darling!" He beamed as he accepted the piece of paper from her.
"I got one too, Father, for mathematics," Marta told him, handing him her own award. "I learned all my seven times tables!"
Glancing over his shoulder, he looked at her for a second before turning back to Gretl and shaking his head as he set their certificates down in his lap. "I have no doubt your mother is going to be incredibly proud of you both when she sees these."
"I thought she was supposed to be coming with you to pick us up today," Marta frowned. "Did something happen?"
"It did and there is actually something I need to talk to you and the others about, but I want to wait until Brigitta and Louisa get home from dance class because they need to hear what I have to say." He explained as he turned the key in the ignition and the engine roared to life, a soft sigh leaving him as he reached for the steering wheel and pulled away from the school.
For a time, the two girls were silent until Gretl spoke up. "Is…is it something bad? Is something wrong with the baby?"
Her innocent question brought tears to his eyes and he was forced to blink furiously to keep them at bay as he drove them down the road. "Like I said, I would much prefer to wait until later when your sisters are home to talk about it, my darlings."
They managed to sense he needed them to drop the matter and sit quietly for a while, so they decided to pass the time by looking out of the window and playing with the hems of their skirts. Thankfully, the drive from the school to their farm was quite a short one and so the awkward silence that had fallen over the three of them was short-lived. They got out of the car once he parked up and he made sure to lock it behind him before walking through the yard with them, allowing them both to enter the house ahead of him before he followed them inside to find Liesl, Friedrich and Kurt all sitting around the table.
Odd.
They almost always went straight to the sitting room to read or play cards for an hour when they returned from school.
"Is there a reason the three of you are in here?" He inquired while setting the keys down on the kitchen counter.
"Mother is asleep in there, so we thought it best to come in here so not to bother her." Liesl explained, setting a card down.
He nodded. "Would one of you mind making the girls something to drink? I only need a moment."
When Friedrich got up from the table after playing a card of his own and setting those in his hand face-down on the table, he patted his shoulder warmly before smoothing a hand over his hair and making his way through to the sitting room. Sure enough, Maria was sound asleep on the sofa when he entered, the book he left her reading a while ago now in a sorry state on the carpet as her arm dangled over the edge. It was no surprise she was tired, not after what she had been through, and it pleased him to see that she was content. It would be a momentary peace, he realized that, but it was better than nothing.
He approached the sofa once he had stood there watching her for a moment and reached for her hand, bring her arm to lie next to her before taking the blanket hanging from the back of the sofa and shaking it out. He then laid it over her, tucking it behind her back to ensure it remained in place, and leaned down to place a gentle kiss on her forehead. When she stirred for a moment, he pulled back and held his breath before breathing a sigh of relief when she settled once again and tucked her hand beneath her cheek. It was the sound of slow footsteps behind him that caught his attention then and he turned in place to see Liesl entering the room, the two of them sharing a smile as he held his hand out to her and she walked to him.
"I know something's going on, so you may as well tell me."
"What makes you say that?"
"Father, she only ever sleeps during the day when something is bothering her," She pointed out. "Please, tell me."
He felt the all-too-familiar lump return to his throat and swallowed it, letting out a trembling breath as he rubbed her arm. "She had an appointment with the doctor this morning and he told us that, uh, that there's no baby," He made sure that his voice was as quiet as possible so he would go unheard by those in the kitchen. "I thought he meant there was no heartbeat in the beginning, but then he went on to say there was never a baby there to begin with and it was merely her body tricking her into believing she was pregnant on account of how much she wants a child of her own. It mimicked all the symptoms of pregnancy and she said she even felt it kicking at one point, but it was all this condition and she was never truly pregnant."
"I…I don't understand." Her voice wavered with emotion when she looked at him.
"Pseudocyesis is the name of her condition and multiple miscarriages are on the list of things that can bring it on," He told her, tightening his hold of her when she laid her head on his shoulder and cuddled up to him. "She suffered so many losses last year and they had such an impact on her, I truly have no idea why I never considered something like this might end up happening. I want to help her, but apparently there is little I can do other than make sure she takes her medication nightly."
She nodded and reached up to palm away the tear that rolled down her cheek. "I remember she made so many cardigans."
"She burned them all when she found out," He informed her. "She thought it over for a while, but decided it would be best."
"I suppose it would be too hard for her to have to look at them all the time," She replied. "Father, do you think it would help if the others and I were to take over some of her responsibilities for a while? Friedrich and I could probably do some of the heavier work such as cleaning out the stables and seeing to the horses, but the others could help with things like collecting the eggs and milking the animals. I know she might not be too pleased about us doing it all for her, but I think the very last thing she needs to worry about at the moment is getting everything done around here when she really ought to be resting."
He felt a surge of pride for her course through him and smiled. "I think so too. When on earth did you get so grown up?"
She chuckled under her breath when he planted a kiss on her temple. "Friedrich and I can make up a chart later on tonight."
"Perhaps you could speak to your mother about it too, find out which things she really needs done so you can get them out of the way before starting on other things," He suggested. "I know Gretl is going to want to help you all, but I think it would be a good idea for her chores to be centred more around the house. She's so small, she could easily end up seriously hurt."
She hummed in agreement. "I'll find her something to do, but you can be the one to tell her that because I refuse to."
"Charming, leave me to face her wrath."
"Oh, I think you'll be able to handle it, Father."
The two of them shared a smile before he took his arm from around her shoulders and ran his hand warmly down her back. "I thought to tell the others when your sisters get home from dance. It saves me having to say it twice and you should all be together for it, really," He sighed as he turned his attention back to Maria. "Try not to let on until then, darling, would you?"
"Of course," She assured him with a shake of her head. "You should stay with her a while. I can watch the others for you."
"You don't mind?" He raised an eyebrow at her.
"No. She needs you more than we do at the moment." She reminded him.
Placing a kiss on her forehead, he lingered for a moment before pulling back and looking her in the eye again. "Thank you."
"You're welcome." She replied.
She turned on her heel then and made her way out of the sitting room, leaving him alone with Maria, and after watching her sleep a little while longer he approached the armchair near the fire and sat down. He ran a hand over his face once he was semi-comfortable before a faint groan from his wife prompted him to look at her again. Thankfully, she settled down again before too long and he was able to relax a little as he brought his chin to rest in the palm of his hand. He had no idea how long it was going to take for her – for them – to get through this if he was being honest. Her diagnosis along with all of her miscarriages had well and truly crushed her and there was no doubt in his mind that she had lost all hope of having a child.
For her, that dream was done with and she was going to have to learn to live with that.
No matter what she decided in the future though, she could be certain of one thing and it was that he would be there.
She would never be alone.
"Is…is there something we can do to help?" Brigitta was the first to speak up once he had told the children.
"Well," He cleared his throat while perched on the sofa. "Liesl had quite a marvellous idea, but I think she should tell you."
The children all turned to look at their sister as she sat with them on the floor, an arm around Gretl, and she sighed gently. "I thought it would help Mother if we were to take on her chores as well as our own for a while," She told them. "She does a lot around here, more than I initially thought she did, and I think doing all her work while trying to come to terms with this at the same time would be too much for her. She'll not be too pleased about it because she detests being idle, but she has to rest and she doesn't need another thing to worry about at the moment. I thought it would help if we were to make a sort of chart so we know which one of us is doing what and on what day. We can make it tomorrow since we don't have school."
The children muttered in agreement.
"Father, what is Mother going to do about her work at the schoolhouse?" Louisa inquired.
"Thankfully, after a lot of convincing she agreed to let me put up a notice that says school is postponed until further notice on account of illness. Naturally, she doesn't want everyone knowing her business so I thought illness was generic enough a term to use," He explained. "I know I have no need to ask it of you all, but I will all the same. I want you to try to be on your best behaviours for the foreseeable and that means no bickering, no backchat, no mithering and no asking your mother to do things for you all the time. Of course, if the matter is an urgent one and you need one of us to help you then that is fine, but I would prefer for you to come to me before you go to her. We all need to do what we can to make this simpler for her."
"We understand." Friedrich assured him.
Looking at the seven of them, he smiled before glancing at the wall-clock and noticing that it was almost quarter-past ten. "I think it might be time for you all to head up to bed. You have rather a long day ahead of you tomorrow and you're going to need your sleep," He told them before they got to their feet and began to quietly make their way out of the sitting room. He remained sitting on the sofa for a little while once they were gone, thinking things over in his head, but he soon decided to head up to bed himself so he could be with Maria and so he got up and walked out of the room. Entering the kitchen, he saw Liesl standing at the foot of the staircase and his brow furrowed at the look on her face. "Liesl? What's wrong, darling?"
"Father, I know you said we need to take care of Mother, but…" She hesitated. "But are you okay? This affects you too."
He was silent as he took a couple more steps towards her before running his hand tenderly over her hair, making her smile. "I will be. To be honest, I'm too concerned about your mother to even think about my own feelings at the moment, so that helps, I suppose," He shrugged. "You have no need to worry about me though – about either of us – because we're going to be just fine. It may take a while for things to get back to normal around here, but we'll get there and I already know you're going to have a great hand in that. You have no idea how proud we are of you for all you do around here. You work so hard and you never complain. You keep the others in line and we have no idea what we would do without you, I truly mean that."
"Thank you, Father," She wrapped her arms around his waist and let her head fall against his chest. "I love you."
"I love you too," He hummed into her hair before kissing her crown and letting her pull away again. "Go on, you get to bed."
"Goodnight."
"Goodnight."
He watched her head upstairs and turn the corner and waited for the sound of her bedroom door closing before making his way up himself, running a hand through his hair with a yawn as he wandered down the hall to his own room before quietly opening the door. The room was dark when he entered, the only light coming from the lamp on his nightstand, and he was relieved to see that his wife was sleeping. She was curled up on her side with a hand tucked under her cheek, the other one holding the quilt in place as her gentle snores filled the silence. This was normal for her at times like this. With each one of her miscarriages, for the first couple of days she would do nothing but sleep. The emotional toll they had on her was awful.
Her sleeping meant that she was getting the rest her body and her mind craved though, so there was a silver-lining.
Shutting the bedroom door behind him, he made quick work of the buttons that ran down his shirt before shrugging out of it and throwing it onto the chair near the window. It was laundry day tomorrow anyway, so he doubted it mattered much at all. It took little time for him to shed the rest of his clothes and change into the nightclothes laid out at the foot of the bed, his attention turning to his wife again as he walked around to his side and climbed in behind her. He made sure to lie down carefully, but she still stirred with a groan when he wrapped his arm around her and left a soft kiss to the back of her neck. "Georg…?" He heard her groggy mumble as her hand came to settle over his own, her thumb stroking the back of his palm.
"I'm here, my darling, you go back to sleep." He told her in a voice no higher than a whisper.
She ignored him, naturally, and when she rolled over in his arms he tightened his hold of her and placed a kiss on her lips. He felt her take hold of the front of his nightshirt when their kiss broke and she relaxed in his embrace, his hands running along her spine through her nightgown as he looked into her eyes. "I, um…I haven't felt another kick since lunchtime which I suppose is an improvement," She told him, tears gathering in the corners of her eyes as she attempted to feign a smile. "It sounds ridiculous, I know, but I find that I don't want them to stop now they're becoming less frequent. I'm not sure if it's because part of me wants to pretend a little longer or if it's down to something else entirely, but that's the way I'm feeling."
"Your mind and body has been through so much, Maria, not only today but for the past year and it doesn't surprise me that you feel confused," He comforted as he took an arm from around her and stroked her fringe out of her eyes. "I'm unable to tell you how you should be feeling because I am no professional, but I would say that it is normal for you to want to feel all the kicking and movements still. Those things going away means you have no choice but to face realty and that must be so hard for you," He watched a tear trickle down her cheek and felt his chest tighten before he reached up to wipe it from her skin. "You are not doing this alone though, I promise you. The children know everything now, so there's no need to worry."
"Did they take it all right?" She asked.
"Of course, they were upset and the little ones found it a little hard to understand, but they know there's nothing we can do about it and all that matters at the moment is supporting you," He smiled. "I think you made the right choice in agreeing to take some time off from work because your mental state needs to improve before you do anything of the sort. The children and their parents are going to understand and you can take all the time you need. There's no rush to get back, sweetheart."
She gave him a mute nod. "I may be a nightmare to live with for the next few weeks, so I apologize in advance for that."
"Ah, you can't be any worse than usual," He said in jest, earning himself a genuine smile from her. "There's that smile."
"You always make me smile," She laid a hand on the side of his neck and leaned in to kiss him. "I love you. So much."
"And I love you," He replied. "I really think we ought to get some sleep now. The children will be up with the sun tomorrow."
Wordlessly then, they moved into a more comfortable position for sleeping and she allowed her head to come to rest on his chest while draping an arm across his stomach. She felt him start running his fingers through her hair as they laid together in the darkness once he turned the lamp on his nightstand off, his blunt nails scraping against her scalp and settling her as she closed her eyes and sank further into him. It was going to take time for her to get past this, she wouldn't lie to herself about that. She would struggle and no doubt face numerous setbacks along the way, but at least she would have him there.
He would be there to hold her when she needed him to, to hold her hand and comfort her, and she loved him for that.
More than she could ever hope to tell him.
A/N: Thank you so much for reading chapter one! I really hope you liked it and would love to know what you thought with a review if you have the time. I will see you all soon!