The light of dawn was just beginning to break over Royal Woods as the hands of the Muscle Fish clock on Lincoln's wall flicked from 05:59 to 06:00 AM. Without even needing an alarm, the boy's eyes shot wide open and his body made it a few steps into his Friday morning routine before his conscious mind caught up with it. Fresh underwear and socks? Check. Jeans? Check. Pink polo that Lola forced him to wear to one of her pageants? Nope. Finally getting his wits about him, he flung the gaudy button-up to one side in favour of his trademark orange shirt and psyched himself up for the ordeal in front of him.
"Alright, today's what we've been prepping for, Lincoln. No biggie; it's just the last day before SPRING. BREAK! Oh, and our parents are leaving for the week for their second honeymoon...or is it the eleventh? Anyway, getting ten sisters who are all crazy to take a week off from school and figure out how to cause as much trouble as humanly possible without getting totally busted to take getting ready seriously is even harder than usual! And of course, all of the major assignments are due today, including my presentation on why comics as an entertainment medium need to transcend printed form to reach a wider audience and tackle more diverse subject matter!" Luckily, he'd had the foresight to leave the component parts of that project at school the previous day. So he didn't have to focus on protecting it, just getting there to set it up.
With that grade-inappropriate goal in mind, Lincoln drew himself to his full height, sucked in a deep breath, and opened his door to the calm before a storm of activity fuelled by ten girls ranging from potty-training to potential prom queen. Speaking of potty-training, it looked like Lily had left a gift for the first unwitting person to venture out of Lucy and Lynn's room, and after a swift pass by the bathroom he had only an instant to deal with it before the door came crashing open and his fifth-oldest sister leapfrogged over him and onto the banister. "You'd better get a move on if you don't want to miss out on breakfast, Linc!" That was no idle threat, so he checked her off his list. He popped his head into her room to see that the commotion had already stirred Lucy, so he proceeded on to his next target.
Next was an easy two-for getting Luna and Luan going. Rapping a quick five-beat knock on their door, he was answered by two airhorn blasts from the other side, followed by Luna's panicked sputtering and Luan's equally confused replies. "I found out that Luan has a knee-jerk reaction to that kind of thing so strong that she responds even while she's asleep. It wakes Luna up, who wakes Luan up, and the argument that comes after keeps them up!" Proud of his efficiency, he fled the door in time to miss the raised voices die down to conspiratorial murmurs. He didn't need to bother waking Lisa, as he heard the alarm on her atomic clock going off. Wisely choosing not to dwell on just how atomic that clock was, that took care of six sisters. The hardest four were yet to come.
Turning to Lana and Lola's room, Lincoln knocked much more quietly than he had with the others; it wouldn't do to wake the beauty queen up from her beauty sleep the wrong way. Receiving no answer, he steeled himself and opened the door to one of the most horrible noises he'd heard in recent memory. 'How is it that Lola is the one who snores louder than a crowd at Luan's routines?' He'd have to remember that double whammy, he decided, as he made to wake up Lana first. 'Hopefully she can do the second half of this for me.'
With her back turned to him, he had to lean over her slightly to try and speak to her as he lightly shook her shoulder. As he did so, he noticed she seemed to be holding a stuffed animal of some sort. 'Huh, that's usually Lola's schtick. To each their own, I guess.' Finally she began to stir, trying to shake him off, so much so that he didn't notice the stuffed animal move independently of her. "Lana," he hissed, "Lynn's going to get all the bacon if y-"
Three things happened in quick succession before he could finish that sentence. First, Lana had finally had enough and flung around to sleepily kick him in the gut. Second, her now unsecured stuffed animal flung from her grasp and latched itself onto Lincoln's face. And third, the now blinded and shouting Lincoln backpedalled into the wall near Lola's bed, which sent her tiara collection clattering to the floor, which tripped him and caused him to grab out for anything to support him. That support came in the form of the canopy around her bed, and the ripping of the fabric was the last piece of a symphony that celebrated the end of his life.
Lana watched in half-asleep amazement as the scene unfolded, only just beginning to realize the catastrophe that was about to unfold when she noticed that her twin's snoring had stopped. "Lincoln, psst! PSST! Linc, you gotta get outta here, NOW!" Unfortunately, Izzy had just now chosen to release her brother from his clawed clutches and it didn't seem he'd heard the whispered warning. As Lincoln propped himself up on his elbows and tried to regain his wits, however, he could feel an aura of murder looming over him. Warily turning to the bed, he saw a vision of terror: a green, eyeless face with gnashing teeth bared, all framed by a jagged crown of pink curlers.
"You're a dead man, Lincoln Loud! You HEAR ME?! A DEAD MAN!"
Narrowly escaping Lola's body slam, Lincoln somersaulted toward the door and rose to make a run for it, only to find himself tripped up by an expertly thrown stuffed unicorn. He felt arms secure themselves around his ankles as he was dragged kicking and screaming back into the room, the only noises coming in the form of his panicked apologies, Lola's hyperventilation and Lana's indecision between taking bets on Lincoln's death and trying to say something to save his life. Turning his head back as far as he dared, his blood ran cold as he saw her eyes were still covered; she was hunting him through superhuman means! As Lincoln tried to claw into the carpet and began reading himself his own last rites, he suddenly launched forward as a howl of indignation erupted from behind him.
"Lana, LET. GO!" Lola shrieked as her sister held her back with arms hooked under her own. "I'll tan his hide and use it to make a NEW TOY!"
"Lincoln, run for your life! I don't know how long I can hold her!" Lana begged, and an eternally grateful Lincoln heeded that advice and escaped around the corner to his room just as he heard Lori shouting from the opposite end of the hallway. The door shut as the gates of Hell opened and all of his sisters sans Lynn spilled into the hallway to witness the spectacle he'd just created.
"Great, now I'll be spending at least part of my allowance on a new canopy, possibly tiaras...ugh, why can't everyone else in this family be morning people?"
Set back an unbearable fifteen whole minutes by the battle royale next door, Lincoln had taken the time to attach Lola's name to the rarely used 'Why _ is the Best Sister Ever!' letter, also known as the instrument of surrender. Lana may have saved him for the time being, but he knew Lola wouldn't rest until she'd exacted her revenge, or at least her due compensation. After the noise had died down to the average household din, he put his ear to the door. A peculiar noise awaited on the other side, like the strum of Luna's guitar strings but much more...heavy?
'She's either going to trip me with the jump rope, or strangle me with the jump rope, or trip me and then strangle me with the jump rope.' Realizing a heartfelt boilerplate draft wasn't going to be enough for this one, he began considering his options. Glancing at the clock, he knew he had to act fast to get Leni into gear; Lori was clearly accounted for. In fact, he heard the eldest sister call for the predator lurking outside his door, leaving the pageant princess momentarily distracted. He cracked the door slightly as Lola shouted back the rationale for vigilante justice and beheld a battlefield waiting for him.
Beyond his would-be-murderer, a minefield of banana peels and jumping jacks stood between him and his final destination. It also looked like something had been situated in the doorway of Lynn and Lucy's room, but he couldn't quite make out what it was from his current vantage. Odds weren't all stacked against him, however.
Peeking out from the twins' room, Lana slowly wheeled her skateboard out into the hallway as Lola peered through the railing to the downstairs, presumably still arguing with Lori. "You owe me, Linc. You don't have to live with her. Well, you know what I mean." After narrowing her eyes at him to drive home the point, Lana crept back into her room.
Now in debt to both of them, he decided it was time to get this show back on the road.
He picked up his phone and dialled their own number, listening to its companion in the kitchen ring for a few moments. 'Come on, Lynn, I know you're down there somewhere.' He was about to give up when he finally heard the other line pick up. "Lynn! I need you to do a favour for me in about one minute! Lola is going to be coming after me and I need-"
"To face the music, Lincoln," Lori answered as Lynn looked on with mounting curiosity in the kitchen, "It sounds to me like she has an entirely good reason for wanting to literally string you up."
Well this was an unhelpful development. "Lori! You can't let her kill me! Not until after I've given my presentation!" Lincoln pleaded, quickly running out of options.
"Hmm. You know, I could probably do something about this, but it's going to cost you..." He was going to end up a slave at this point, but at least he would be a living slave.
"Whatever you want, Lori! Just please please PLEASE keep her away from me until I can pay her back!"
"Weeelll...alright."
"Alright! So what's the game plan...? Lori?" She hadn't hung up, but she didn't answer him either. After another few seconds, he heard Lynn on the other end.
"Did somebody say 'game plan'?" She drawled, a cup of coffee in one hand and the phone in the other.
'Wait a minute...LORI! She got me to promise her something and then just handed it off to Lynn like I wanted anyway!' Lincoln had a feeling he was about to get yet another raw deal from his fourth consecutive sister. "Lynn, I need your help getting Lola off my back! She's gone completely postal!"
The athlete swirled the coffee in her mug as she considered the costs and benefits of getting between Lola and whatever made her 'postal'. After a curt description of the morning's events, she had her answer. "Nah, that ain't me. We made up those stories about her before, but I still wouldn't put it past her. Just let her calm down, bro."
"No, no, no! Time is of the essence, woman!"
"Don't you woman me, man!" Lynn had always enjoyed sparring with Lincoln, both physically and verbally, though it had taken listening to some exchanges between him and Lucy to get a hold of the latter. "Besides, what can you offer me that's worth risking Lola's wrath for?" 3, 2, 1...
"Just name it, I don't care anymore!" Hook, line and sinker. If Lincoln wasn't so justifiably afraid of their little devil of a sister, she'd be disappointed that he'd tapped out so quickly.
"I'll hold you to it, Linc. Now listen up, this is how it's going to go down..." After a brief planning session in which he described the playing field to her, Lynn gave him some sound advice on how to get out of the house unscathed. He peeked under the door one last time to confirm that Lola was indeed still standing guard outside, and gathered up all the courage he could for the trial he was about to face.
Bracing himself, he flung the door open and stepped once more unto the breach, jumping over Lola's jump rope assault as he dashed into the hallway and around the unhealthy number of banana peels littered by Luan, and hopped onto Lana's skateboard for the ride to Lori and Leni's room.
Time seemed to pass in slow motion as Lola began charging after him — 'Is she galloping on all fours?! Don't look back, don't look back, don't look back-' — right until he passed in front of the stairway, at which point Luna's amp blared her morning warmup from Lynn and Lucy's doorway. Nearly losing his balance, he filed away a reminder to Luna on all the ways that was incredibly dangerous as Lynn bounded up the stairs and tackled his pursuer over the amp and into her room.
The skateboard came to a halt against the bathroom door as Lincoln hopped off, having to perform a jig to avoid stepping on the sea of jacks under him. Just as he'd achieved the balance a yoga instructor would be in awe of, he was sent plummeting forward as an airhorn sounded a few feet behind him. "After all that I didn't think you'd let you guard FALL so easily! Get it?" Luan cackled with recorder in hand, having filmed most of the past half-four. "But I have to say, that's a pretty slippery situation you just got out of. At least you've got the better half on your side!" She continued, kicking Lana's skateboard, his intended method of escape, to send it careening back down the hallway. "By the way, that's for the RUDE awakening!" He turned in time to see her sickeningly sweet smile before she primly closed the door.
Even though nothing of the sort had been said, Lincoln figured he might as well add her to the list of sisters owed favours before cutting his losses and pressing ahead to get the resident prima donna prepared. Lori and Leni always took the longest to get ready, but this time it seemed he would just be dealing with his second-oldest sister. 'I'm NOT going to get put in a position that makes me owe Leni anything. There's no telling what she could want or what I would have to do to do it.'
The sounds of accessories clattering and what might be clothes flying through the air meant she was still in crisis mode looking for that one piece to complete her ensemble. After a rap on the door and lack of response, Lincoln decided to brave the storm and opened the door, prepared to avoid any object — errant or otherwise — that came his way. A sigh of relief escaped as he confirmed he was only up against Leni and the contents of her dresser, though that relief turned to despair at some of the more private garments blasting by.
"Where are they?" Before Lincoln could announce his presence, Leni had already begun giving voice to her concerns, oblivious to his presence. "This can't be happening, I swore I accidentally dropped a few the last time I took one!"
"'Took one' what?" His question went unanswered as she finished flinging the last of the dresser's contents out and began scouring the empty drawers for something, even going so far as to begin pulling them out. "Leni! What's the holdup?" Still nothing. He was about to close the gap and get her attention when she abruptly gave the last drawer a great heave and sent it careening into her bed. Slightly intimidated by the display, he took an unconscious step back as she brought her hands to her head and dropped to her knees.
"Why did it have to run out now? Like, right as Mom and Dad are going to be gone and Lori is going to be in charge! What if she—"
"LENI!" the combination of his shout and hand on her shoulder finally brought her attention to Lincoln, though his follow-up was muted under the desperation writ on her face. "What are you looking for? Makeup? Earrings? What's got you so freaked out?" She looked unsure about answering him, and her eyes were flitting back and forth between him and the door. Rather than answer him, she hopped up and rushed to the latter, closing it off to the chaos outside for a moment. Her back still turned to him, she rested her head and arms against the door, heaving a sigh as she finally turned to fix him with an abnormally focused expression.
With a swift stride to her vanity, she began combing over it somewhat more calmly as she finally answered him, "I...I need your help, Lincoln. But you can't, like, tell anyone about this!" She motioned for him to join her as she took a seat and turned her gaze somewhere between him and the mirror. "I need you to help me look for some blue pills, even if it's just one it'll be enough." Not sure what his expectations were after the last few moments, they were still exceeded by this development. As far as he could remember she hadn't been sick since coming down with a nasty cold at the beginning of spring, and he was pretty sure their parents had banned her from those diet schemes after her last extreme bout on them.
Beginning to help her sift through the sea of cosmetics and styling implements, his curiosity simply required him to ask, "What are the pills for?" She didn't offer up an immediate response, simply hemming and hawing to herself as she separated everything she touched into neat little piles. "Are you getting a cold again? If so, there's no medicine that can really do much to stop it." Still nothing. He began to turn and walk toward the door, leaving off with the only suggestion he thought might help, "Look, maybe we should just get Lori and—" This time Lincoln was the one cut off as she about-faced and vaulted from her seat, snatching him by the shirt collar and flipping him around to face her.
"YOU CAN"T!" she shouted, body tense and face aflame with adrenaline. With one hand seized upon his shoulder and the other curling dangerously into a fist, Lincoln began to fear she was actually about to hit him! That fear must have shown on his face, and hopefully only his face, because her intense scowl almost immediately melted into an apologetic frown as she released her vice-grip on his shoulder in favour of resting her hands on both of them, kneeling down to look him in the eye. "Lincoln, Lori can't know about this. If she did she would, like, literally flip out. Mom and Dad, too. Promise me you won't say anything to them about it!"
Leni wasn't in the business of keeping secrets, Lincoln knew that much, and definitely not keeping secrets from other people. If he had to say, she was probably the most open of his sisters about how she was feeling and what was going on in her life. That knowledge, coupled with the subject they were dealing with, sent an uncomfortable chill down his spine. If their parents were involved in this, was it alright not to say anything about it?
For better or worse, he was saved from having to make that decision as the door swung open and Lori charged in and found herself caught off guard by the position they were in. "Uh, what's going on here?" She asked, before taking in her surroundings, "And WHAT did you DO to our ROOM?!" She wasn't sure whether she needed to direct that question at one or both of them, so she settled for both.
"L-Lori, I can explain-" Leni had bolted up to try and calm her roommate, even interposing herself between Lori and Lincoln, but all three siblings' attention was caught by the 7 o'clock alarm going off.
"Ugh, we literally have to go right now! We'll deal with THIS," the eldest declared, sweeping her arms toward the ransacked room, "when we get back." She grabbed both her younger siblings by the arm and hauled them into the hallway, staring down Lola as the 6-year-old tyrant stared down Lincoln, who alternated between staring at Leni and the ground. Luan was busy cleaning up the mess she'd made with the peels while Lana ricocheted a ball off the walls and floor, picked up the jacks via their intended purpose.
As they passed by the stairs where Luna was fiddling with the amp, she trilled off a hangman's cadence for him. "'Face the music' indeed, little bro." After collecting the rocker and marching them out the door and into Vanzilla, where Lisa and Lucy were waiting, Lori wearily entered the driver's seat and set them on a course for school.
Lucy, seated between Lincoln and Leni, studied him a short while before declaring, "You're the vision of inner turmoil and despair right now." Before he could come up with a snarky response, she had leaned in uncomfortably close, and continued, "Please tell me your secrets."
"Secrets? WHAT SECRETS?!" Lincoln panicked at the thought that someone had overheard his conversation with Leni, and over his goth sister's head he could see Leni zero in on them with wide eyes.
"How do you manage to stay so stressed and tense every day? It must be awful."
"If it's supposed to be so awful, why does it sound like you're enjoying it?!" That banter was enough to take his mind off things for a few minutes, like Lola vocally plotting her revenge and Luna using the back of his seat to play the drums. Seemingly satisfied that her personal affairs weren't being discussed, Leni turned her attention elsewhere, allowing Lincoln a sigh of relief. At least until Lori's phone rang.
"Finally, I didn't think he was ever going to call!" Lori squealed as she prepared to share her drive to school with Bobby, to the great concern of everyone else in the vehicle. All of them wanted to say something, but none of them were prepared to face Lori's wrath this early in the morning. Well, one of them was.
Lisa propped her glasses back up as she began rattling off the numbers. "Do you know that the mixshture of vishual, manual and cognitive disthtraction created by rolling your eyes approximately every 5.5 stheconds at sthome inane teen gossthip Bobby shares with you over the phone while driving createsth a-" — several calculations later — "a one in five chancthe that we'll die horribly in sthome accthident?" She concluded her analysis to the heart agreement of everyone else in the van, except of course its driver.
"Please, Lisa, I'm not some old biddy who can't concentrate on-WOAH!" Lori's rebuttal was cut off abruptly as the van she claimed to be on complete control of was cut off abruptly. "GET OFF YOUR CELL PHONE, YOU TOOL!" She shouted out the window, before catching the disbelieving looks of nine other children in the rear view mirror. "Fine then, I'll stay off my phone, but I don't want to hear a single peep out of any of you until we get to school!" A chorus of groans and arguments exploded before she swung her head around to stare daggers at them. More scared of what would happen if she didn't return her focus to the road than anything else she might do, they quickly complied.
As they trucked along, Lincoln couldn't help but focus on Leni and the conversation they'd had. Normally she would be rocking back and forth in a daze at this point in the trip, but as he watched her now, she was quaking in her seat while trying to focus on anyone or anything except Lori. Eventually she caught him observing her, and he averted his gaze to look out the window at the budding trees and crowding streets passing by.
'Pre-vacation Friday mornings are the worst.'