Chapter 13 - Tammy Faye

Captain and Hikaru made their rounds following the ceremony, greeting each guest and giving each an opportunity to have a good look at the new arrival. Since Mitsuko Avaria was only a month old, she slept most of the time.

Deesha Dakina, once known as Spy D, had made a present of the little cap and dress she and her older sister had worn at their respective Bikreet ceremonies. "Remember? I had Buyabah bring it here from back home," the former spy confided, walking with her former commanding officer and her husband around the grounds. "You might wanta use it for all your kids."

"I will, dear friend," Aysha replied, hugging her.

"And may there be many more," added Dr. Stellamaris.

At this, Hikaru winced, although he desperately tried to conceal it.

"Oooooooh well, that's what you get for marrying a Leptonian," Eeyanna Chiranthus giggled. "Kids, kids, and more kids! Can't wait until I find a lifemate for myself!"

"I need a drink," the Bikreet daddy whispered.

"Hicky-sama, that's my line - well, used to be, anyway - "

The alien looked up and gasped. A large group of women had gathered, and were now congregated around none other than Shinobu Daitokuji. She was sitting atop the Temple stairs, the sunlight gleaming from her silvery blue French twist, saying who knows what. Whatever she was saying to them must have been absolutely riveting, because they an stared at her with rapt expressions on their faces.

"What in the world - ?"

Aysha handed Mitsuko to her father and Shiiko to D, then strode over to where Theram Avaris stood talking to Ayumi Sensei. Not surprisingly, the man looked quite confused.

His confusion was the result of a conversation he was having with Miss Ayumi. "And I think a firm hand is essential in the classroom, what dawn on yonder window breaks? Oh say can you see - , my ba-by does the han-ky pan-ky, da da da da da da woop woop da woop - and homework every day, of course!"

"Father, what is that scrawny snob doing over there?"

"Shinobu? Selling makeup," he replied.

"WHAAAAT?"

"Don't ask me why. I'm not her keeper."

"Thank the Mother for that," his daughter snapped, and half-galloped over to the crowd, which grew even larger as she watched.

" - this gives a lovely creamy look - "

" - the word for this season is dewy, dewy, dewy!"

" - I'm sure you'll all want to sample my exclusive 'Sea Foam masque with Vitamin E complex' - "

"SHINOBU, YOU MORON!" the Captain hissed from behind the seated woman. She jumped half a mile. "What the Avernus do you think you're doing? Pitching your wares on the Temple steps?" Some Terran Bible story about money changers briefly flashed through her mind.

"Ob, it just happened," Shinobu replied. "I certainly can move this mob inside the Mansion - and since I own half of it, I'm certainly entitled-"

"The Temple steps will be fine for the moment," her sister-in-law snarled. "What is going on?"

"I've introduced my own cosmetics line, 'Tammy Faye'."

"Don't you mean 'Mary Kay'?"

"No, you cretin. I named my new company after an American fashion leader of the last century. Tammy Faye Bakker, originally. Now, she was a woman who was not afraid of cosmetics. And by the way, dear," Shinobu continued, now scrutinizing the Captain's face in a particularly irritating manner, "it might behoove you to make a purchase. Oh yes indeedy-doo!"

"It might behoove you to get stuffed, you skinny-shanks cow."

"Now, now, darling sister-in-law, dear. I'm just trying to help you out with those little busted blood vessels that you got from too much boozing."

"I DON'T HAVE ANY BUSTED BLOOD VESSELS!"

"A little louder, dear? "Shinobu smirked and tittered. "Anyway, if you'll notice, most of my customers here are from your own little Homeworld."

"What of it, you refugee from Divorce Court?"

"Hehehehehebehe. I'm trying my hardest to wean your 'Cygnan Sisters' from that godawful sky-blue eyes shadow they spackle up to their eyebrows and that tacky frosted pink lipstick they all wear. It reminds me of Tangee from 1960- ugh! I haven't seen frosted makeup advertised in sixty years! What is it, standard military issue, or something?"

"You leave our makeup alone, Shinobu. And I'm shocked that they'd want to resemble you in any way. Your skin's stretched so tight across your cheekbones that you look like a tick ready to pop."

Ignoring her for the moment, Shlnobu turned toward a large beefy soldier who was inquiring as to whether her 'Moonlight Souffle' lotion was non-comedogenic. "Of course it is, my dear. Oh yes. Everything I make for you is perfect for the female skin, no matter which solar system you hail from! It will nourish it -soothe it - and give it the youthful glow you've always wan - "

The woman snarled.

'' - er, had."

Grinning, the Cygnan shoved the bottle in her utility belt and handed Shinobu a fistful of currency.

"Now. As to the question of why your average Leptonian paints her face as if she's about to appear on RuPaul's Drag Race - " the blue-haired fashion maven said, turning back to the Captain, who was gritting her teeth. "Hmmm. Don't do that, dear. You'll have nothing but stumps by the time you're forty."

"Mind your own business, you wrinkled mummy. And if you want to know why Cygnans love makeup, it's because it's part of our culture. We need to look good - "

Shinobu turned and scanned the crowd, shuddered, and turned back.

" - As our main goal in life is to perpetuate our Race - "

" - and is that why you bulk up to two hundred fifty pounds of muscle, give yourselves butch cuts, and slop on eyeshadow practically up to your hairlines? It's a wonder your 'Race' didn't die out eons ago!"

"A little louder, Shinobu," the ex-Captain hissed. "You wouldn't want your customer base to really know what you think of them, would you?"

"Hehehehehehehe okay dear, thank you," Shinobu said, lapsing back into her public persona and dismissing her sister-in-law from her mind. Hikaru's middle-aged little sister now turned back to the assembled women and spread her arms, as if in supplication.

"As I was saying, ladies, your two-tone hair color presents new fashion challenges. How to blend hair and eye and lip? Here's my miniaturized color computer, free with your first purchase, which will decide for you what lipstick goes with chartreuse and pink!"

The alien females all applauded, making noises of assent with their disturbingly male-sounding voices.

Brrrrrrrr, Shinobu thought. Those space men must have splinters under their fingernails from scraping the bottom of the barrel -

Shinobu sold her entire stock on hand in about seven minutes. Large Cygnan ladies then found themselves somewhere to sit around the Mansion's spacious back yard so that they could go through the vast arrays of patent leather eye liners, face primers, high-SPF foundations, and eye shadow palettes with at least forty different shades, none of which included sky blue. Satisfied, Shinobu then strolled over to Theram, swinging her hips and giggling. Aysha stood next to him, making gagging noises. "Father, she thinks she's twenty years old! What a deludenoid!"

"Now, Ayshiu," Theram chuckled. "I'm not exactly twenty myself."

Shinobu sidled up to him, eyes twinkling. She tapped a Krakatoa Kretek from her silver cigarette case and turned to the Anatolian. Her voice was thick with what she supposed was passion.

"Got a match?"

"Yes. Your face and a Mandrill's ass," the former Captain replied.