Notes: Hey everybody, long time no see. I'm still working on an update for fractured but the lovely lovingjcinalee gave me the great idea to explain away Andy's behavior in season 5 with a brain tumor, because Andy doesn't already have enough problems to deal with 😂. I'm not a doctor by any means but I've done my best to research the condition. Anyway let me know what you think of this first chapter. All comments are greatly appreciated.
23 arrived at 19 a few minutes after 9:00 a.m. with Aquino ushering them in as fast as he could. They were late of course, nothing new for the station which held the title of being one of Seattle's worst. Lucky for them, Diane and Dean were also behind schedule and as they still needed more time to finish setting up for their Crisis One lessons, Aquino gave his team the go-ahead to mingle as they waited. While most of 23 stayed in the lobby and kept to themselves, well aware of how the members of 19 viewed them as unwelcome outsiders, Andy took the opportunity to stretch her legs.
Without realizing it, she found herself in the beanery. Mealtimes had always been one of her favorite times on shift and the beanery reminded her so much of her father, who always made the conscious effort to have his team cook comforting meals for each other. Even if these meals included one of Travis' weekly forays into vegan cuisine that always ended with Dean cooking the team some type of meat to eat instead.
As she stared out into the beanery, she couldn't help but notice how the room looked slightly different. The changes were subtle, but for someone who had spent her entire life in the space, they were painfully obvious. The table had been moved closer to the back windows and the cabinets were painted a darker shade of brown, completely erasing the color her father had made her choose when he became captain. Worst of all, the nook which she had used to store her unhealthy breakfast cereals had been repurposed and now housed an assortment of bananas and hard fruits.
Andy knew she should have expected these changes, but actually seeing how her presence had been completely erased hurt. While she might not be unwelcome, at least by most of 19, she had become an outsider. Instead of working alongside trusted friends and colleagues, she was saddled in a station with individuals who viewed her as a nuisance at best and at worst an enemy who had broken into and disrupted their frat house simply for the fact that she was a woman and better than all of them at their job.
The longer she stood in the beanery, the more painfully obvious it became that the station she had been raised in and trained to one day lead no longer belonged to her and never would.
Thinking about what she had lost only reminded her further of the anger she still felt towards Robert and his involvement in Maya's demotion. Logically she'd come to the conclusion that McAllister was going to fire Maya anyway regardless of what Robert or anyone else said on her behalf but the fact that he had snubbed her and nominated himself for the captaincy position was enough to make her blood boil. Though she ultimately knew she was the cause of her current job situation, she also couldn't help but blame Robert for not having tried harder to stop her from storming Chief McAllister's office.
Simply thinking about Robert and the state of their marriage sent Andy's mind racing and piercing tendrils of pain shot through her head. Grabbing a glass of water, Andy took two painkillers, hoping they would kick in soon, preferably before she had to sit through two hours of Crisis One training.
Just as she felt the pounding in her head begin to slow down, Theo came up behind her to call her downstairs. Noticing the bottle of painkillers in Andy's hand, concern washed over his face. Theo was quick to ask her if she was okay, but she brushed him off. He looked at her quizzically, not buying her nonchalant attitude for a second, but as they had to get down for training he let it go.
For the past few weeks, she had started experiencing intense headaches that came on suddenly without warning. By now Andy had become used to the familiar electric pain behind her eyes and the accompanying throbbing that shook her whole body. She didn't think much of them, assuming they were being caused by all the stress she was under from her impending divorce. In the grand scheme of things, her headaches were just another item on the long list of bad things that were going on in her life. She mused that if they didn't stop after the divorce proceedings were finalized she'd visit her doctor.
With Theo by her side, the two walked into the fire engine room. Seeing Beckett near the front of 19's side, Andy shuddered and moved towards the back to sit as far away from him as possible, reminded of the horrible decision she had made a few weeks ago to sleep with him.
Andy couldn't lie to herself, Beckett had been good in bed. He was attentive and cared for her every need, knowing the perfect spots to produce the most pleasure. It didn't surprise her as she knew he had been married before and no woman would ever stay with him for his personality.
However, having sex with Beckett made her realize how much she missed Robert and the way he made her feel like she was the most important person in his life. Every caress of his hands along her skin made her endorphins sing in a way no other man had ever done before. She felt electric in his presence.
Even though both she and Robert were separated, she felt shame for having slept with another man before the divorce had been finalized. Weeks later she still couldn't understand why she had given into Beckett's flirtations and followed him to his place. Beckett represented everything she despised in a man. His ego, audacious arrogance, and insipid sexist commentary made him the last man on the planet she would willingly consider having sex with. But as the glaring sun beat down on her, still reeling from Robert's cold and swift dismissal in the bar, she made the split-second decision to give in and defy all her logical senses.
For the moment she was chalking up her lapse in judgment with Beckett to her body being desperate for any sexual stimulation after almost a year of none, even though this rationalization of the situation left her feeling even more ashamed of herself.
Looking back on her decisions over the past year it seemed as if so many of them went against everything she stood for and had previously valued. Yet at the moment they had felt like the only choice worth making.
"Lucky for us, we have our very own married couple in the house."
Diane's words brought her out of her musing. What married couple could she be talking about? It only took another second to realize it was her and Robert she was referring to and another 10 before she was being forced to act out a marital dispute with her soon-to-be ex-husband.
Andy's intention as she stared Robert down was to play the game as Diane intended and get it over as quickly as possible with little fanfare. She could hear the giggles of her teammates and see the worried expressions on her friends' faces. Andy refused to give them the show they were expecting.
However, she was caught off guard by the harshness of Robert's words. It was immediately clear that everything he was saying was personal and rather than stick to her original plan she lashed back. The words flowed from her lips faster than she could control them. Just moments before she had felt ashamed about betraying her vows to Robert and now once again she was consumed by an uncontrollable wave of anger because of him.
The simulation quickly dissolved into a state of total disaster, salvaged solely by the convenient ringing of the klaxon and Maya's quick thinking to take Robert as her partner for the day even though Beckett had paired her with Jack. Andy breathed a sigh of relief as Robert ran out of the room and the surge of anger she had felt just moments before dissipated.
Feeling another headache starting to brew, Andy dry swallowed another set of painkillers. She rested her head in her hands and began to rub her temple, trying to massage away her headache. If anyone had noticed none of them said anything and she spent the remainder of the training session tuning out Dean and Diane.
Before Andy realized it, training was over and Aquino gave them a few free hours to have lunch and relax before they were set to go back to their station. After breaking free from her teammates, which hadn't been too difficult of a task given how much they preferred not having her company, Andy found the solitude she was seeking on the rooftop. Staring out into the Seattle skyline she mulled over Robert's words from their fight. Or more accurately all the accusations he had thrown at her—ones which she desperately wanted to be false but remained painfully true.
You believe what you want to believe!
She had falsely accused Robert of getting Maya fired when he had just been trying to save 19 from closure.
She's not even willing to have a conversation. It's like talking to a brick wall.
All throughout their marriage she had stressed the importance of communication, desperately trying to get to the root of their problems while Robert deflected with sex. When he had finally been ready to confront their issues head on she ran away and ghosted him for 10 months.
She doesn't even know herself. Fighting with her is like fighting with a teenager.
Those particular words had deeply troubled her. She had always taken great pride in her ability to regulate her emotions and compartmentalize after experiencing a traumatic event. In her line of work, gut-wrenching situations occurred daily, and being able to process them was crucial. Lately, it felt like she was failing at this skill. Her emotions were all over the place shifting from despair to rage in a never-ending cycle. She could barely recognize the woman she had become.
Before her mind spiraled further, Jack joined her on the roof. What she had hoped to be a pleasant conversation with an old friend ended less than desirably. Jack went straight after her and his words shook her more than she had wanted to let them. He was wrong to accuse her of being like her mom in her marriage to Robert. Except maybe he wasn't actually in the wrong. Her conversation with Jack had given her another headache, this one more intense than the last, and she took another 2 more painkillers with her lunch.
A few hours later as Andy stood in front of her father's portrait, hoping to gain some insightful wisdom on what to do next, Diane came up to her. She mused that the universe was sending her a message that she desperately needed help.
Diane always had a take and gave it straight. She never fooled around when it came to her job as a therapist, even when she was off duty. "When I met you, you told me he made you feel electric. Like no man had ever made you feel before. The last time you and I spoke, I saw the love you had for him. The fear and concern for his mental well-being and physical safety. Feelings like that don't just turn off."
But for her they had. In the span of one day all the love she felt for Robert had melted away. All the insecurities she felt about Robert not respecting her at work came rearing forward.
"Then how come all I feel now is anger? Red, hot, all-consuming anger?" What she really wanted to ask was why had her mind turned against the only man she had ever truly loved?
Diane couldn't say for sure what had happened but she likened it to being hysterical-historical and the result of her past unprocessed trauma. "In my experience both professionally and personally speaking, most people don't go from electric to divorced."
Andy wanted to prod Diane for more insight but she didn't stick around long enough for her to do that. Left by herself to ruminate, Andy circled through every conversation she had with Robert since the wedding. All the blame she had placed on his shoulders when the fault laid solely in her hands. As had become routine the pain in her head surged forward again, flashing hard and hot, making it difficult to think straight.
Since it hadn't been long enough since her last dosage of medicine she couldn't take anything else for her headache but oddly, the pain felt good. After everything she had done, she felt as if she deserved to suffer. Moreover, it reminded her that some part of her still cared for Robert as her body wouldn't hurt as much as it was if she was ready to move on. Though the anger she felt for him wasn't gone, Diane had helped her to see that she owed it to him and herself to try again and get answers as to what had gone wrong. Only then could she give up on their relationship. With a renowned sense of purpose, Andy scoured the station for Robert.
Just as she had begun to lose hope of finding him, sure that he had already gone home for the day, Andy spotted Robert leaning against the catwalk. In his right hand, he held a manilla folder and was staring down towards the barn. Andy couldn't gauge his mood but judging from his slouched appearance and the way his eyes remained fixed on the firetrucks he looked sad and deep in thought.
She quietly called out his name, breaking his train of thought. Upon noticing her presence Robert sprung into an upright position, closing the distance between them. They stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity but in reality, was nothing more than a few seconds.
"Robert I wanted to…" she started to say but he raised his hand.
"Look, uh, no, no, no. No, please. Let me just… let me speak for a moment."
Andy really wanted to get what was on her chest off. Her conversations with Jack and Diane had brought much-needed clarity to the war that had been raging inside her mind since Maya's wedding. Over the past year every time she had tried to look at Robert's actions from a logical standpoint, her anger over Maya's demotion, Robert passing her over for the captain's position, and her own transfer from 19 overtook in the end.
By now it had become obvious to her that the anger she felt was highly illogical, yet she kept digging herself further and further into a hole she could now barely see a way out of. From the cruel way in which she had avoided every one of his numerous phone calls or attempts to talk to her while at a scene to having him served in front of their friends and peers, her actions remained at the heart of their broken relationship. And knowing that, she decided to let him speak first. After all, it was the least she could do after having spent the better part of the last year steamrolling his every attempt to hold a civilized conversation with her.
Looking straight into her eyes, Robert's voice was thick with emotion, almost as if it pained him to speak. "I love you."
Andy was caught off guard by Robert's words, not expecting that would be the direction this conversation would take, given the very heated argument they had just had only a few hours prior. It warmed her heart to know that even after all the hateful words they'd spewed and the months of separation his love for her still existed. The faintest of smiles graced her face, finally allowing the love she also still felt for him to come forward instead of the anger she had been holding onto for so long.
"You were the first woman after Claire to make me feel whole again. You helped me rediscover myself as a man and as a friend and… I-I-I know I made mistakes, and I'm sorry for hurting you, but I can't be sorry for trying to rebuild my career."
There was the slightest of pauses after his words and Andy wanted to take it to tell him that she finally understood where he was coming from. That just as much as she had helped him he had done the same for her in spades. But most importantly she wanted to tell him that she was finally ready to apologize for all the hurt she had caused him. Of course, she didn't expect him to forgive her right away or to even accept the apology on the spot, but she could make a start.
However, before she could gather the courage to say any of this Robert pressed forward, saying the dreaded words Andy had desperately hoped to hear a few days ago, hell even a few hours ago, but which now burned a hole right through her heart.
"Um… I signed. I love you Andy, but I can't be the only one fighting for us." As he said this, Robert handed the papers to Andy and she grabbed them, feeling sick to her stomach.
Looking up into his eyes she could see nothing more than resignation. He had decided she was done with him and to do the same as well. He had given how little she had done to convince him otherwise.
This couldn't be happening. Not when she had finally decided to start making amends. She couldn't let this be their ending. With a hint of determination in her voice, Andy called out Robert's name, hopeful he would give her one final chance to prove her love for him. Before she could continue, she was cut off by Captain Aquino announcing that 23 was leaving while Robert began to slip back down the stairs. Her team was waiting for her so they could go back to the station and finish the second half of their shift.
But she couldn't go until she made things right with Robert.
However, as Andy moved to chase after Robert, the piercing pain that she had felt steadily growing all day came back with vengeance. She winced under the harsh overhead lights, her brows furrowing tight with pain. Soon after her sight grew blurry as she shuddered under the weight of her pounding head. Closing her eyes she did her best to quell her growing nausea and keep her balance.
They had studied the signs of fainting in the Academy as part of their medical training so she knew exactly what was about to happen and that there was nothing she could do to stop it. Fearing what was about to pass, Andy called out to Robert, praying he would hear her and come back to help. Just as the last syllable left her lips darkness overtook and her body crashed against the ground.