Why put Kamala in a love square if the solution isn't polyamory? Why give Bruno and Kamran that much chemistry if they don't kiss off-screen? Why not give Kamala three long-distance boyfriends?
Kamala had had a minute to reflect on her final stand against damage control and, with all that had happened that night had chosen to fixate on the weirdest part. Well, it was the weirdest part to her, at least.
"I can't believe I almost kissed Kamran. I can't believe Kamran almost kissed me."
"Yeah, I was surprised too. I guess that's just his thing," Bruno said, clearly having given this a lot of thought.
"What?" Kamala gave him a confused look.
"He gets scared and he kisses the first attractive person nearby."
Kamala scoffed, "You think he just wanted to kiss me because I was nearby and he was frightened?"
"I also said you were attractive," Bruno pointed out.
"Gee, thanks. It means so much to me that you think I'm attractive but not attractive enough for Kamran to want to kiss me for any reason other than fear."
"I so didn't say that! What I mean, is based on the evidence, it seems like Kamran is a nervous kisser."
"One almost kiss is hardly evidence, Bruno."
Bruno laughed sheepishly, "What if I told you it wasn't just one almost kiss?"
Kamala's eyes narrowed at Bruno, "What aren't you telling me?"
"When Kamran and I were on the run, when we were hiding at the mosque, he was clearly freaking out and in a lot of pain and I tried to comfort him. So he kissed me. I was surprised but I didn't not like it… When I saw that he was about to kiss you I realized that that might just be what he does when he goes into panic mode."
"Inconclusive evidence," Kamala said, "we need to call Kareem and have him put Kamran on so we can ask him ourselves.
"You just want to know who he likes more, don't you?"
Kamala shrugged.
"Was he a good kisser?"
"I think so." Bruno smiled to himself while Kamala called up Kareem.
"In trouble again?" Kareem asked, his voice instantly drawing a flustered grin from Kamala, which did not go unnoticed by Bruno.
"You wish. I know you just want an excuse to come see me," Kamala said.
"Of course, you're my favorite superhero."
Kamala muted her microphone and let out a tiny little squeal. Bruno laughed at her and she glared before unmuting.
"That means a lot to me, but I actually called because Bruno and I need to talk to Kamran."
"Ugh," Kareem groaned, "that guy is getting on my nerves."
"Why?" Kamala asked.
"Yesterday we were training so he could get his powers under control and he tried to kiss me."
"What did you do?" Bruno asked.
"Inconclusive," Kamala mouthed.
"I judo flipped him. He's got to at least take me to dinner first."
"Kareem, Kamala and I have observed a phenomenon that you seem to have also observed. My theory is that Kamran's response to frightening situations is to flirt with or kiss any attractive person that he's with."
"Sloth Baby, he kissed you?" Kareem asked.
"No, he almost kissed me. He kissed Bruno, though."
"Was he a good kisser?" Kareem asked.
"Yes. Can you put him on, now?" Bruno asked, a little embarrassed by the fact that some attractive stranger was now privy to his first kiss.
"Sure, I'm sure you'll treat him better than I did."
"To be fair, he probably deserved that flip," Bruno said with a small laugh.
"He did. Give me a minute to get him and I'll be right back."
When the line went silent Bruno turned on Kamala, hitting the mute button.
"I have a suggestion," He said, taking a deep breath.
Kamala raised an eyebrow and waited for him to continue.
"I date Kamran and you date Kareem. That way we both get a cute long-distance boyfriend and no one's feelings get hurt."
"Shouldn't we ask Kamran who he'd rather date? What if he likes Kareem the most?"
"Kareem judo flipped him," Bruno pointed out.
"Kamran could be into that."
"Kamala? Bruno? Are you there?" Kamran asked.
Bruno unmuted Kamala's phone.
"Hey, bro, Kamala and I had a question for you."
"Bro?" Kamala teased in a whisper.
"Shut up I'm bad at flirting," Bruno whispered back.
"Sure, what's up? I've missed you. Both of you."
"Yeah, hypothetically, which one do you miss more?" Kamala asked.
"What?"
"What Kamala means is, well… It seems like you've been on a kissing spree, Kamran. You kissed me and you almost kissed Kamala and Kareem. So we were just wondering if any of those kisses meant anything."
"Of course they did," Kamran said.
"Then who do you like more?" Kamala asked.
"Who do you like more?" Kamran shot back. "Because it's pretty obvious that all three of us guys have had feelings for you at one point or another."
Bruno turned bright red and Kamala stared at him.
"Bruno, is that true?"
"M-maybe," Bruno squeaked.
Kamala let out a groan that rivaled the groan that Kareem had let out earlier.
"What's wrong? Too many cute guys like you?" Kareem teased.
"Yeah, well one of those cute guys is moving to California and the other two live in Pakistan so I'm just a little frustrated that I wasn't aware of these feelings sooner," Kamala shot back.
Bruno had the misfortune of being the only one actually in the room with Kamala and thus the only one she could glower at.
"I feel like we're getting off-topic," Bruno said nervously.
"Bruno is right," Kamala said through gritted teeth, "we asked you first, Kamran."
"Simple answer? I like all of you, equally, for different reasons. Kamala is beautiful and wicked powerful, Bruno is gorgeous and intimidatingly smart, and Kareem is handsome and just, well, intimidating."
"But you can't date all of us," Bruno said, flustered since no one had ever called him gorgeous before.
"Who says?" Kamran asked.
"Uh, the universe," Bruno replied.
"Well, I'm from a different universe where hot people who all like each other can date if they want to," Kamran said.
"He makes a pretty convincing argument," Kamala admitted.
"Except for the fact that I don't like you, Kamran," Kareem pointed out.
"Ah, I'll grow on you."
"Like a parasite, maybe," Kareem said.
"Bruno, baby, are you in?"
Kamala nearly snorted when Kamran called Bruno baby, but it was clearly effective, as Bruno seemed to be melting from the inside out.
"I'm in if everyone else is in."
"I'm only in if Kamala is in," Kareem said.
"I'm in," Kamala said, barely hesitating, "but nobody can tell my parents."
All four of them went to bed that night feeling excited and a little bit overwhelmed. Bruno was thinking about how he'd gotten the best of both worlds, Kamala was thinking about how she now had three secret long-distance boyfriends, Kareem was thinking that maybe his dorky new roommate maybe wasn't the worst guy, and Kamran was thinking about how he'd gotten really lucky that trying to kiss three different people had actually worked out for him.