Moiraine hadn't been sleeping well. Then again, she never really slept well. Her childhood in the Sun Palace had taught her that deep sleep was dangerous- you'd never wake up in time to stop the person who wanted to put a pillow over your face, or the dagger that threatened to slice through your throat… It was better to always be semi-awake.

Her mother and father's deaths had only made her sleep worse. It wasn't unusual for her have several nightmares a week and even several in one night. This night had been particularly bad and in the end she had decided to just get up and study.

Siuan had told her that it would only be a month or so now until they would face their first test. A month until she could be raised to Accepted. If she didn't mess up, that is, and Moiraine wasn't feeling particularly confident.

Something was blocking her, holding her back from fully accessing the One Power. She had never experienced it before. It was said that all Novices would experience blocks from time to time but in the three years she'd been at the White Tower, and the two years before when she'd been educated at the Sun Palace, she'd never hit a block. She thought she might be fortunate enough to completely avoid any problems but now the block had come at the worst time.

In one month she would need to face her worst fears- past, present, and future in turn. Granted she wouldn't need to channel. She had been told that by her uncle's Aes Sedai advisor. It wasn't common knowledge apparently, most novices forgot they could channel whilst in the ter'angreal, so they were rarely warned in advance.

Still, Moiraine hated not having full access to the One Power, feeling like she couldn't quite completely grasp it.

It was against the rules for novices to channel without the supervision of an Accepted or an Aes Sedai but everyone still did it anyway. Besides, Moiraine was not a poor student, she was considered well above average when it came to the One Power- she could control it well and not injure herself or others. Anyway, if she couldn't use it safely by herself now as a Novice, then how would she be any safer as an Accepted. What difference would one month make?

Moiraine pulled her blanket around her shoulders. She hadn't brought up enough logs and the fire had died out leaving a chill in the air. She could never focus well when she was cold.

She cleared her mind, allowing herself to drift and to feel the weaves of One Power within her. She reached for the Source and pulled it towards her hands until it danced on her fingertips, then when it was safely in her grasp she tried pulling a little more but there was resistance. She knew she could manage more weaves than this, she had held far more than this… She felt the frustration and anger build up in her, why couldn't she just do it?

Her grasp on her weaves was growing weaker with her growing frustration. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply allowing the frustration to pass before trying to focus again. One of the first things that the Accepted taught her was how to control her temper, or rather, it was one of the things she'd received a beating for, several beatings, in fact- and she'd learnt after that to keep it well controlled.

Still, even with her anger and frustration locked out of the way, she still couldn't reach as far as she wanted to.

She allowed her eyes to open and blinked focusing again on the room around her, it was no use…

"I should report you to the Mistress of Novices, Moiraine," a familiar voice said, "You know practising without supervision is against the rules."

Moiraine dropped her weaves, "Elaida Sedai? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…"

Elaida smiled before walking gracefully into the room and taking a seat at the edge of Moiraine's bed. She shivered a little, pulling her red cloak around her and after a moment, she performed a simple weave and flames flickered in the small fireplace.

"There," she said simply, "That's better."

Moiraine smiled. She admired Elaida so much. She was so strong, controlled, precise, if slightly terrifying. She wanted to be just like her. Except she wanted to be a part of the Blue Ajah… she knew she was better suited to the Blue… her first success with the One Power had been using her kesiera to eavesdrop on people, after all. She felt guilty about that, she felt like she was betraying Elaida by wanting to join the Blue.

"Now," Elaida said, "I've heard you are struggling with fully accessing the One Power."

Moiraine nodded sadly, hanging her head in shame. She knew Elaida had high standards for her but that was only because she believed in her. That's what Elaida had told her, that she believe in her, believed she could be one of the strongest Aes Sedai at the White Tower and soon too… Most girls needed ten years but Elaida swore it would only take her five or six at most… Moiraine had been terrified by the prospect of being raised to the shawl so soon but Elaida was so much more skilled and knowledgable than she was and she had been raised to Aes Sedai after six years, so if anyone knew what was required and possible, surely it would be her…

Elaida reached out a hand to stroke Moiraine's hair, "It's not unusual to encounter blocks. Usually they are emotional. Homesickness, sadness, guilt… you can speak to me, Moiraine, you can trust me. Has anything been bothering you recently?"

Moiraine toyed with the edge of her blanket, before giving a small nod, tears beginning to fill her eyes, even though she didn't want them to, "It's the anniversary… of my mother's death."

"Oh, you poor thing," Elaida said, before pulling Moiraine into her arms, "It must be so difficult for you right now. And a month before your test too…."

"Yes," Moiraine answered.

Elaida hugged her tightly, "You should have come to me sooner. I could have helped you."

"I," Moiraine began uncertainly, her tone apologetically, "They said you were busy."

Elaida let out a little laugh, "Never too busy to speak to my favourite novice."

Moiraine smiled. Favourite? She was her favourite… she couldn't believe it….

"Speak to me now," Elaida said, "Tell me about your mother."

"She died when I was six," Moiraine began, tears spilling from eyes despite her best attempts to remain composed, "I was outside when it happened, playing in the gardens. My father… I remember him rushing outside… calling to me…. I knew, I knew right away that something was wrong…. I miss her so much, Elaida… I miss her so much…."

"Shh," Elaida said, "There, there."

Moiraine sobbed loudly, unable to hold in her emotions. Any other Aes Sedai would have told her she was being silly and told her to dry her eyes and pull herself together but not Elaida.

"You know," Elaida said, "I have something which might cheer you up."

Moiraine sat up, confused and excited.

Elaida wiped the tears off Moiraine's cheeks before taking Moiraine's hand in hers and leading her towards her door.

Outside sat a small ball of fluff or at least that's what it looked like to Moiraine. The small ball was curled in on itself and had a large bushy tail and pointy ears. It's fur was grey along the top of its back and head and white on its belly and legs. The puppy wriggled as Moiraine pulled her into her arms.

"For me?" Moiraine asked, in shock.

Elaida giggled, "Yes, for you."

"Oh, thank you!" Moiraine said, beaming.

Elaida smiled, "You're welcome but you must be careful. She can only visit your room at night. I'll bring her to you. Novices aren't allowed to have pets after all."

Moiraine nodded in understanding, cradling the puppy in her arms.

"She's called Jenny," Elaida said.

"Jenny," Moiraine repeated.

Elaida placed a hand under Moiraine's chin, so that her eyes met hers, "Your mother would be so proud of you, Moiraine, so so proud."

One week until her test and she was struggling to access the One Power again. Moiraine slammed her bag down on her desk. This wouldn't do. She was going to make a pathetic Accepted, if she even made it through the test.

She knew full well what her past fear was going to be- the death of her mother. But her present fear and her future fears- she had been going over every possibility in her head. Assassination? Failing the exam? Losing Siuan? Falling short of Elaida's expectations? Losing access to the One Power forever?

The last one seem ludicrous but then again her grasp on the Source had been growing weaker and weaker recently and she still couldn't understand why.

Elaida had said she was struggling because she was mourning her mother but it had been three weeks since the anniversary of her death. No, it couldn't be that. It wasn't sleep deprivation either- Jenny had stayed with her every night, sleeping at the foot of her bed and the puppy seemed to have an instinctive knowledge of when she was starting to get one of her nightmares. She would nip at her until she woke up and then stayed there, allowing Moiraine to sob into her fur.

But even Jenny couldn't help her past this block.

"Blood and ashes!" Moiraine cursed before knocking her bag to floor, scattering her books and firewood.

"Moiraine Damodred!" a voice yelled.

Elaida.

"Elaida Sedai," Moiraine said, hastily, "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have spoken out of turn. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to… please forgive me…"

Elaida looked at her disapprovingly, "Three weeks. I've heard you haven't made any progress?"

Moiraine shook her head, "No."

"So close to the test," Elaida said with a heavy sigh, "This won't do. You need to be perfect now. I need you to be perfect."

Moiraine nodded, she needed to be perfect for Elaida. It was the least she could do really. Elaida had helped her so much and given her so much too- Jenny, private lessons, comfort when she was upset. She knew how busy the Aes Sedai were, the very least she could do was be a good, respectful student.

Jenny appeared by Elaida's side. The puppy no longer looked as small and cuddly as when Moiraine had first met her and was beginning to move into that awkward in-between, not quite puppy, not quite adult stage.

"I'm sorry, Moiraine, Elaida said, "But I can't let you fail, you mustn't fail."

Moiraine nodded in understanding. Guilt swept through her, why couldn't she just be a good student? That was all that Elaida wanted her to be.

Moiraine felt the weaves before she saw them. Lashes of air and fire raining down on her skin. She screamed, screamed so loud that she thought the whole tower would wake but no one came. She felt like all of her bones were breaking only to be fixed and then broken again. Her blood burnt in her veins. She couldn't see clearly through the tears that were running down her face, but maybe that was a good thing because she wasn't convinced she'd find her arms and legs uninjured, they felt like they must be charred and blackened.

She could barely breath, panic flooding through her, her heart thumping in her head, her head spinning, her hands shaking uncontrollably. She knew what she needed to do, reach for the One Power, that was the only way to stop her. But she couldn't, she couldn't stop her hands shaking…

Moiraine sobbed, burying her face in the floor that at some point she'd tripped and fallen onto, "Mama, Mama, please save me, please."

"No one's coming to save you, Moiraine," Elaida said, her weaves intensifying, "You brought this on yourself. This is what happens when you don't try hard enough. Life outside the tower is cruel, terrible. You need to be prepared or your whole life will be nothing but pain. I'm only doing this because I love you."

"I know, I know," Moiraine said, "Please, I'll try harder, I promise."

But Elaida didn't stop the weaves, they kept on coming, thicker and thicker. The air burned in Moiraine's lungs and there were spots in her vision. She felt herself drift in and out of consciousness.

"Mama, take me home. Please take me home.."

Was she dying? Was this what dying was meant to feel like? She didn't know how she was still alive. She was sure she had no flesh left on her bones now… How could she still be alive? All she knew was her heart was thundering, so fast, too fast. She wouldn't live much longer….

Did she want to die? That was all this really boiled down to. Did she want to die? It would be so easy to just let go, Moiraine thought, no more fighting, her whole life had been a fight to survive. Was it worth it? Was it worth it really? Fighting to survive one attempt on her life only to get ready for the next and the next… Maybe surrendering would be better…

But what about Siuan and Jenny? She couldn't leave them. It would hurt them too much if she died.

Moiraine sobbed loudly, it all hurt so much. Inside and outside. She just wanted it to stop. She wanted so much for it all to stop.

Aggressively, she wiped the tears off her cheeks, blood staining the sleeves of her novice dress. Elaida's weaves still seared her skin as she pushed herself up on her elbows, feeling her skin scrape against the concrete floor of her room, then she pushed herself up on bleeding hands and knees. Shakily she got to her feet, her vision blurred and uncertain but silver, she had never seen so many threads of power being used at once…

Shakily she reached her hands out, how would she ever stop Elaida? She was so powerful, so so powerful. And she was nothing by comparison.

But she had to try.

The silver intensified, glowing, burning, seering, filling up the whole room and weaves darted this way and that. Moiraine could feel her heart jumping. This was it, she thought, soon her heart would stop and she would die. Siuan, Jenny, she hadn't even had a chance to say a final goodbye to them…

But then the silver faded, slowly at first, then more and more, and she heard a giggle from Elaida.

"I knew it," Elaida said, "That's my girl."

Moiraine's eyes grew wide. All of the silver, all of the weaves- they were coming from her. From her?

Elaida completely withdrew her weaves, "You can let go now, Moiraine. Any more and you'll burn yourself out."

Moiraine let go reluctantly and soon as she let go she crashed to the floor, exhausted, terrified, weeping.

She felt Elaida's arms around her, picked her up and moving her to her bed. Pulling back the blankets and tucking her in. But everything was a blur.

"See, not so hard after all," Elaida said placing a hand on her head.

Moiraine stiffened as the power entered into her. She didn't want it. She didn't want to feel Elaida's power, didn't want her anywhere near her. How could she be so stupid? Moiraine thought. How could she not have seen that Elaida was capable of something like this?

"Shush," Elaida said, stroking her head, "Rest now."

"Was I good enough?" Moiraine asked shakily.

Elaida smiled, "It's a start."

Moiraine felt her heart shatter. A start…

"You are capable of so much more than that," Elaida told her, "And I will help you realise just how much."

Moiraine looking up at Elaida with terrified eyes. She would do this again, and again and again, and there would be no way of stopping it. Who would believe her, a novice? No, she knew how much everyone admired Elaida, they would never believe her if she said anything…

"Now, rest," Elaida said, "You have an early start tomorrow. Ah, here's Jenny. Just like I promised!"

Jenny. Moiraine thought. The guilt began to chew at her innards. Elaida had given her Jenny but taken so much from her too. What was she to think? How could someone be capable of such cruelty and then such kindness also? She felt bad for even entertaining the possibility of reporting this…. Elaida couldn't be cruel if she'd given her Jenny. Elaida had to be right, she just needed to try harder, she needed to be perfect after all.

"Good night, Moiraine," Elaida said, closing Moiraine's bedroom door behind her as she left.

Moiraine waited a few seconds until Elaida walked away. Then she let Jenny jump up onto her bed, wrapping her arms around her soft fur and burying her face in her neck.

It was only then that she let her pain and tears consume her. Safe in the knowledge that no one but Jenny could hear her.

She couldn't tell anyone. Who would believe her? And she felt terrible for even thinking of speaking to anyone about this. Even Siuan who she told everything else.

No, this was between her and Jenny. She could only trust her in this dark, terrible world.

Only her.