I don't own most of these characters and profit from none of them. I do however have many books available on Amazon that you may enjoy like Cosplay of the Gods, Slasher School Days, Yes Virginia, There is a Bogeyman, and harlequin: A Fools World Novel.
Original Characters:
Mistress Igorina: A bright girl who likes to mix magic with science, alchemy, and also took some necromancy classes at unseen university. She worked at Sonky's for a while to pay for her education, but like any decent Igor she also likes to go out and help people in ways quite similar to witches. Wants her own castle in Ṻberwald. Recently worked with the other two and brought back Nightshade as a water ghost as a gift to Tiffany.
Lady Dreamy: The grand daughter of Genuan voodoo queen she is more sorceress than witch and has Lilith Weatherwax's old wand. She has a hooked nose and generally ugly face, but a great body and loves to show it off in slinky outfits and seduce local boys.
Mama Rose: A former soldier under General Polly Perks (Monstrous Regiment) she learned many things in the army, including a bit of shamanism. Tends to wear men's clothes and a string of animal skulls. A shy girl she has a tendency to take long walks and commune nude and occasionally bugger with spirits and fairies, the Nac Mac Feegle girl Maggie in particular.
The Trouble With Apprentices
By, Clayton Overstreet based on the works of Sir Terry Pratchett
Every job has its challenges and witchcraft was no exception.
Tiffany Aching was without a doubt the best witch in the world, at least since Granny Weatherwax and Nanny Ogg had passed on. She was not quite so sure she was up to their standard, but she had at least developed a reputation that put her in their league and in half the time it took them. Normally a good thing that gave her plenty of respect from the community of witches.
Unfortunately when you are the best that generally meant you were expected to tackle the problems nobody else could. In this case she had been brought, almost simultaneously, three rather troublesome would be witches. No, there was no doubt they were witches, but they were not typical, even by the widely varying standards of witches, and there had been a number of complaints both from other witches and the common people. When a witch complains about another witch or a peasant gets up the gumption, there's definitely a problem.
Mistress Igorina had been sent by Tiffany's husband on behest of some of his old Igor friends from the Lady Sybil Hospital. Like many of the females of her clan she was uncommonly beautiful. Actually she had gone the full length and if you did not notice the beauty scars intentionally left one might not even recognize her as an Igor. She stood seven feet tall with pale skin, tan skin, dark skin, and a variety of other colors in a patchwork. She wore form fitting black rubber outfits made by dwarves in Ṻberwald where apparently there was a market for such revealing outfits. Her hair came in many shades too, a rainbow falling around her shoulders. A green eye in one socket and a yellow inhuman one in another.
Mama Rose AKA Henry was a freckled redhead from Borogravia. She had served as a he under General Polly Perks in the continually war torn land of her birth. Their army had begun admitting women, either openly female or opting to dress and pretend to be men. Turned out half the army had been that way before it was legalized. Heck of a story. Rose came off as a shy demure girl, but Tiffany knew that collection of medals she had earned in battle (many of them stained with blood splashes) had been well earned. She kept her hair cut short in a bob and still wore men's clothing, but since joining the military she had gone through quite the growth spurt and while short she was too busty and pretty for any pair of trousers and a balled up pair of socks to fool anyone. She also wore a necklace made of small animal skulls and feathers from brightly colored tropical birds.
Finally there was Lady Dreamy, a dark skinned young woman from Genua, the second daughter of their current ruler. Tiffany did not know much about heraldry, but she did know that Granny Weatherwax, Nanny Ogg, and a pre-queen Magrat of Lancre had been instrumental in putting her on the throne as part of some adventure to save the city-state from granny's evil twin Lilith. The girl had a large hooked nose completer with a hairy mole Mrs. Proust would have envied, a gold ring through it. She wore bright clothes with an exposed bodice revealing her amble frame and large breasts with an even bigger mole. From the neck up she was pretty hideous with sharp features and the face of a fairytale witch. From the neck down she looked like the kind of plump young woman one expected to be raised to breed royalty complete with rounded hips and the kind of movement that turned men's heads and made women jealous and vicious.
All three of them were the very vision of witches, especially in the lands they came from. Tiffany knew not all witches even those who came to the chalk and the surrounding environs to learn were the same. But these three were showing definite signs of going towards the black and not caring one way or the other.
Igorina had trained at Unseen University. Officially they had long ago let the first woman wizard join, though it had not been taken up since Eskarina Smith. However there seemed to be an exception involving Necromancy and while working days at Sonky's rubber works, a rather embarrassing job to those of the chalk that mostly involved birth control, she had taken night classes. Then she had tried to combine it with ancient Igor secrets at the hospital.
Igors were not known for their morals, generally just doing what they were told. This Igorina however had grander plans. She had ideas above her station, according to the other Igors. Plans to stand as a peer to the Dark Lady of Ṻberwald. Not necessarily as an enemy, but Igors were hereditary professional servants. Igorina's dark hexperiments went beyond even the usual Igor's defiance of death and had gotten her banned from Ankh-Morpork by angry citizenry. Mostly lawyers.
"Honestly I meant it for the best, but apparently bringing someone back as a ghoul rather messes with the family's plans for divvying up the silverware." "Natural" undeath was bad enough but the legal profession did not need someone intentionally raising people from the grave.
Lady Dreamy meanwhile had heard stories about how her grandmother had been bested by Granny and her headology and shown up at Miss Level's house. She wanted to be the greatest most famous with in the world, so naturally she had gone to the lady with the extra invisible body. A fine enough decision. Tiffany herself had trained under the woman though she still flinched remembering that she was the reason the lady only had the one physical body any more. Not that Miss Level held a grudge. Her daughter, a triplet (three bodies, one personality… apparently it was genetic), had even played with Tiffany's son at the last witch trial.
Dreamy was an excellent student, but unfortunately she had extracurricular activities that tended to piss off the locals. Namely the morals of a housecat. She had even had a go at Miss Level's husband and been caught in the act. She slept around more than Nanny Ogg had. There had been some accusations of her using love potions, though Tiffany tended to believe the woman's claims that all she needed was a low cut blouse. It did not help that her familiar, a large red rooster named Baron Cockodile, went everywhere with her. It was an uncanny bird of large size and Dreamy liked introducing him as "My large red, Cock."
"What I do in my free time is my own business," she said firmly. "It's not like I asked if the boys had sweethearts or suggested they leave them." Given how seriously the locals took both marriage and virginity (at least publicly) it was a good thing she had moved on when she did. Actually she had been caught and by people who knew how to deal with witches
They had not however known what to do when said witch whipped out Lilith Weatherwax's old wand, retrieved from a pile of broken mirrors in a blocked off room in the Genuan palace. It was self defense but… well what she did to them was rather horrible.
Rose had a similar experience, except she went in the other direction. While in the army still masquerading as a young man there had been a night out with the guys and the local… uh… seamstresses at one of the camps. Drunk and falling for peer pressure she had gone into that tent a young woman and come out a man. Having paid for three women. None of whom had been terribly put off when they got her pants off. They had been paid after all and for young privates… uh private "Henry", it had been a hell of an experience and only the first of many.
Later she had been put into part of a unit that sent her overseas, as aid for a foreign country or something. The Borogravians had recently lost their faith in the old god, who had gone slowly mad and faded some years back, and the confused girl had been on the lookout for a new faith. Particularly one that accepted her new proclivities. While over seas she had gotten involved in some shamanic teachings that combined religion with, as it turned out, Rose's natural talent for witchcraft.
She had developed a rather disturbing hobby: spirit and fairy summoning. Wherever she went she was often caught late at night naked in the woods cavorting with beautiful females that were definitely not human. Elves. Pixies. Nymphs. Glowing figures of ghosts and spirits and demons. Even goddesses.
It was hard to say what pissed the locals off more, the part where she romped with unnatural forces and dangerous beings, or where plenty of locals saw or heard about her making love to other females. Some actually appreciated it a lot, but that just pissed off the rest and caused issues. Issues that led to her being discharged.
However one is not a soldier for years without becoming one to the bone. She had plans of her own. "I heard there's a vacancy in fairyland. I came to the chalk for a reason. Seems to me, queen is a nice enough title."
Tiffany had been shocked. "You think you want to be queen of the fairies?"
"Why not? From what I understand the elves and a few others have been fighting amongst themselves since the queen and the elf that betrayed her were killed. Besides, I have plans. I think maybe it's time fairies became what we want them to be. Rather than what they were."
Tiffany knew the elf king, a god in his own right, had his own world. Also his own plans that mostly involved waiting until the mortals of the world eventually fell back into barbarism. He was immortal. He could wait, even if it never happened. She also knew that Rose was right, no doubt without a specific leader the fairies in the queen's old world were probably tearing each other apart to see who would rise to the top.
Nobody, including the elf queen herself, would shed a tear for those monsters.
Tiffany however knew that Nightshade had begun to show signs that she could be better. Which meant if anything that potential was always in the fairies too. Given how humans sometimes behaved she could see it went both ways. "I'm not sure forcing them to change is the right way to go about it."
Rose shrugged cutely and said, "Right or wrong, so long as it works I'm not sure I see the problem."
Three girls, all rather self centered and a tinge megalomaniacal. From what the older witches said they were on the path that inevitably led to cackling. The term for a witch who went power mad and started doing things they thought were right for everyone else.
However it was hard to argue against such things in her position. One of Tiffany's best friends was a witch and the duchess of their land and Queen Magrat was a witch, as was her eldest daughter Princess Esmeralda "Notey" with interesting signs from the other two. Letitia's baby was too young yet, at only five months, to be sure of anything. Amber, the kelda's human apprentice, had all eight of her kids learning occult things. Her youngest son had even been sent to Unseen University after a dying wizard showed up and gave him a staff as a baby.
Tiffany had plenty of help these days in the witching business and there was a whole generation of girls coming up eager to join in. Like young Tiffany, her namesake and a small girl who had been one of Tiffany's many midwife jobs. Worried about her elder brothers (they were actual triplets) would get the lion's share of their mother's attention and care, Tiffany had taken special interest in the girl.
So she hardly needed any new apprentices of her own and sadly that meant the witches sent her the problem cases. All three of these young women arriving at once had been rather jarring. Tiffany did her best, setting them up in an empty house and assigning them the usual chores and tasks of apprentice witches. They did it all and well, no problem, but there were certain signs that their more problematic personality traits were not being ameliorated by working with the public.
For example as a gift for Hogswatch the girls had gotten together and given Tiffany a present. She had been having a warm cup of tea on a cold winter morning when there was a knock at her door. She opened it to find four familiar faces. The three apprentice witches and… a dead friend.
Nightshade, the elf queen, stood in the show. No she stood made of snow. Pale white and glittering in the morning sun, dressed in a white dress. At first Tiffany thought she was a snowman, until she smiled and curtsied. Flecks of snow falling from her shoulders as she did. "Happy to see me?"
"What have you done?" Tiffany asked the other three.
Igorina smiled "Well I dug up her bones."
"I summoned her ghost… poor dear's been wandering about since her death," Rose said. "I've been chatting with her for months. Need to know the details if I'm going to take over her old realm."
"And with a little help from Igorina's necromancy and a wave of my wand, I helped bring her to life," Dreamy said, twirling the wand in her hands. "Had to give a gift to the teacher after all. A difficult spell but who doesn't love a challenge?"
Unsure what else to do Tiffany bit her lip and stepped out, hugging Nightshade. She shivered and not from the cold as snow fell from her friend's arm and revealed yellowing bone. The elf saw her reaction and smiled. Nightshade had after all been on the road to friendship when she was killed, but not actually a particularly nice person.
"What are you?" Tiffany asked.
"An elemental undead," she said, her voice tinkling like icicles on a window. The snow moved back into place as she stepped back, Tiffany's hand and body prints briefly still imbedded in her body. Then she was suddenly whole again. "It's nice to see you with eyes again. I was getting rather tired of that annoying Felmet man at Lancre castle and a few other ghosts who had their own issues to deal with… I'd have talked with you as a ghost, but I had rather a lot to consider while I was dead and time rather got away from me. I had rather planned ot live forever after all so the afterlife came as a bit of a shock."
It was a beautiful gift. One of Tiffany's biggest regrets was that Nightshade had died standing by her side, declaring friendship. It was nice to have her back. Also it was terrifying. Tiffany put a lot of stock into not using her powers, barring certain situations. Most of the time the biggest magic she actually did was hopping on her broomstick to get somewhere. She had of course done other things. Brought forth spring with a kiss of sunshine. Dragged a hiver into the afterlife. Turned a dwarf into a toad. Exploded a woman. Melted flint in her hand to make a point. She was more than capable of it.
But bringing back the dead as a gift was something else. There were stories. The origin of creatures like werewolves, vampires, and orcs. Some people just turned up undead. More got bit. Others… well necromancy was always iffy and the search for any kind of immortality was always popular. Especially considering some of the things necromancers traditionally did. Facing the denizens of the afterlife was the last thing they wanted, especially when they knew for a fact what they could expect.
Nightshade was not the kind that needed to eat human lives, but she was cursed to live forever unable to touch solid ground again. All winter she was free to roam the snow, but come spring unless it was raining she was stuck appearing in rivers, streams, ponds, and the like. Sometimes as a clear form made of water with her bones visible inside. Others as a mass of pond scum forming an emerald form not unlike Jenny Greenteeth or mud. If Tiffany was the land under Wave, then now Nightshade was the wave.
She was often seen giving travelers directions, advice, or helping out if they were close enough to water. Nice, and Tiffany talked to her every few days, but again sort of creepy. People were calling her the Lady of the Lakes. Locals on the Chalk kept trying to glimpse her, especially teenage boys. There had also been an incident where a man working for the trains had chased a woman into a small spring and tried to have his way with her. The girl was grateful to be rescued. The man... was found drowned with a look of horror on his face.
Tiffany still was not sure what to say about that. Did one reprimand the undead for a murder or congratulate her for saving a life? Naturally the three who brought her back barely said anything. That was disconcerting. Tiffany had only half killed someone once and still felt wracked with guilt.
She knew witches did things. So did wizards. She heard rumors that people who had tried to sue the university were transformed and kept in a frog pond on campus. Granny Weatherwax had on many occasions made people think they were frogs for a time. Tiffany had at best made vague threats when she needed something done. Was it right to impose her own morality on another witch?
Tiffany got plenty of nasty looks from neighbors or even her own family with how she raised her son. Her house, the tiny cottage she built for herself, was not very big. Certainly not for a child once he was out of the cradle. Thomas had then been moved to Preston's house, where he lived separate from her. His care turned over to a local girl hired as a nanny. Tiffany and her doctor husband saw each other a few times a week and their own child for maybe an hour or two a day. They were just too busy otherwise. Something Thomas said he understood and was proud of, but she could see the disappointment in the eyes of others.
She really wished she knew who she could go to and figure this out. Unfortunately every year it seemed like there were fewer and fewer experienced older witches and a lot more foolish younger ones. Kids who thought magic could be used to…. well could sure, but should was something else. Wasn't it?
Finally she just decided to bring it up among her actual friends.
The witches had begun meeting on certain nights back when Tiffany was a girl. Back then Anagramma had been sort of in charge. Well she bossed everyone else around anyway. She had been a little older than the others and had learned a lot of sparkly spells from Mrs. Earwig. Unfortunately she had not learned much that was actually useful for witchcraft and all the witches she used to bully, Tiffany in particular, had to come together and help her get her head on straight.
A very literal occurrence once Tiffany introduced her to Boffo's catalogue and she found that fake witch supplies were actually more useful in her steading than actual magic. Though the people she lived with liked to see the occasional fireball. She had also gotten along well with Letitia and Amber when they joined as well as some of the younger witches. Tiffany was slightly annoyed by that. After all she and her friends had to put up with the snotty version, and now the slightly more humble got to look good to them as if she had always been nice and understanding.
Petunia was her good friend and a professional pig borer. Talking pigs to death to save on squealing. She now had two kids of her own and was beginning to swell to a size rivaling the famed witch and singer Agnes Nitt. That tended to happen when one lived on pork products from grateful farmers.
Tiffany sat back and listened to the dozen or so witches chatting amongst themselves for a while. A surprising number were complaining about some of the younger witches.
"Girls dressed in silly jewelry…"
"Put a curse on old man Jim's cow… had to go down and undo it because she didn't know how."
"Summoned up a demon in the bathroom mirror and just about wet herself…"
"Thought they were so clever dancing nude in the woods but come on back with poison oak…"
Sometimes Tiffany forgot that other witches had adventures too. Even by witch standards she had an interesting life. Fairies. Gods. Ghostly witch hunters. Possession. Not to mention daily trials of sheep, births, and various other things.
She listened as the others shared their own travails. Some of them quite interesting. A unicorn with silver shoes had been seen wandering around the mountains. A girl had taken it upon herself to exorcise a ghost. There had been rumors of a gold train run by the Elf King moving through the land like a spirit, the tracks somehow built on the borders between worlds and the few who got off after getting on coming back with odd tales. (Tiffany had introduced the old God to tinkering in a shed and felt a bit guilty for this one.) Two other witches were feuding in Slice and Tiffany made a note to swing by before things got too out of hand. More than a few had shown up on the Chalk over the years looking to challenge Tiffany herself, as the witches' "not out leader because we don't have that". Half the time Tiffany did not even get the chance to answer the challenge before one of her neighbors overhearing it started pelting the girl with rocks, rotten vegetables, and animal feces.
It was almost painful sometimes to see them run away with tears in their eyes. Also kind of funny in some cases. She knew Granny and even Nanny had to deal with that sometimes, though it had been years since anyone had dared challenge either of them that way before they even met Tiffany. The last one was some sort of staring contest.
Geoffrey, the current male resident of Granny's old cottage, was sitting with his new wife Sarissa. Apparently he had gone walking in the Lancre countryside and found another witch frozen in stone by a cave. A surprising turn of events unfroze her and she was actually a pretty young lady, if a bit dour and prone to reciting depressing saga style poetry. She was also known to be a little old fashioned and a lot more prone to cursing people who annoyed her when her husband was not around and he often had to go smooth things over afterward.
The chatting went on for a while but they were witches after all and while Tiffany waited patiently, they could tell she was waiting and eventually they all settled down watching her expectantly. Tiffany did not often ask fro help of any kind and seemed to actually need it even less. So it would be a point of pride for any witch who could offer her needed aid. Or even a friendly ear. After all Nanny Ogg had been a great witch in her own right, but her real claim to fame had been being Granny's friend and confidant and occasional enemy.
Feeling like a jug of cream surrounded by hungry cats Tiffany explained her situation with the three young girls, most of which they were well aware of. "I'm just not sure what I'm supposed to do about it."
The other witches looked around at one another. Finally Anagramma spoke up. "Well I think you should help them."
"What?"
"Correct me if I'm wrong but Granny put the king of Lancre on the throne. And Magrat too."
"I hear Magrat was not too happy when she found out Granny was manipulating her to get over her cold feet. She even got Verence to propose… or order her to marry him I guess," Petunia said.
'You have to admire a man, even a king, who can give an order to a witch and not end up hopping home," someone else said.
Anagramma continued. "Plus she helped put that lady in charge of Genua, though I understand her sister did most of the work. Granny put a female wizard in unseen University and overthrew some vampire nobles. Heck she gave you a hat or two and made you not queen of the witches." She shrugged. "I think making people queens and princesses is sort of traditional work for witches. At least when there isn't a rampaging dragon about and the last time that happened, Lord Vetinari was offering up his aunt's hand in marriage or something.
"Now I haven't seen much in the way that'll stop a witch once she's put her mind up to something and it's not like witches don't become queens or whatever in the old stories. So I think maybe you shouldn't be fighting against it, but helping them do it right."
"I don't know," Tiffany said after a moment. "I've heard bad things about witch queens. And it rarely seems to go well, especially in Uberwald."
"Then do it right," Petunia said firmly. "Um, I mean the place is already rules by a vampire and while I hear she doesn't drink blood any more, I have a cousin who um, apprentices to a blacksmith down there who says she requires a lot of maintenance on her torture equipment."
"Vetinari is an assassin and he's got a lot of nasty stories about the people in his dungeons too. I heard about this thing he does with kittens…"
"Twer the same back in my time," Sarissa said. "I remember there t'was a thing about a stone in a sword and some wizard making a boy king. Worked out pretty well until that thing with yon king's sister…"
Anagramma nodded. "There you go, if a wizard can do it, shouldn't be too hard. Could give us witches a bit of a reputation. I mean Tiff you have to admit you haven't done much really big lately. If you don't want to be known as the lady who made three women queens… you could send them my way." Several other eager voices popped up with the same offer.
Tiffany had to fight hard not to smile at the idea. She was a practical girl, but she had to admit, there had been a certain gap in adventures and her son respected her, but she had begun to wonder if he was really proud. "It could go so wrong…"
"How? They want to rule a land of vampires and monsters, fairyland, and a swamp. How much worse could it be?"
Others shushed Anagramma. You did not say something like that out loud, especially if you were a witch.
Still Tiffany's thoughts, first through thirtieth, whirled in her head. Rose was a bit of a fighter and would be a holy terror with an army of elves at her back, if she could even pull that off. She was rather more worried that they would kill her; possibly after letting her think she was in charge. It was their kind of joke. She remembered all the things they had offered her and Roland when they were there. The feegles had a battle cry "Nae quin. Nae king. Nae lord. We will not be fooled again." Considering how hard it was to get a new concept into a feegle's head not to mention their ingrained loyalty and lack of curiosity on exactly why they were doing something they were told to do she could only imagine what the elves had to do to lose their support.
It was not hard thought o see Rose, at least for as long as any elf had managed it, sitting on the queen's own throne in a world of dreams. Leading raids on other worlds. Beautiful fairy women lounging around her exactly like old romance novels with barbarian lords. It might not work forever, but she could at least get some satisfaction the next time the fairies came a raiding by reminding them that for a time at least, a human woman, one trained by Tiffany Aching, had been their queen. In name only perhaps, but what else did fairies have except appearance?
For Dreamy, she wanted power but not necessarily control. From what Tiffany had heard from Nanny the old swamp witch had been a lot more powerful than Granny. She had bound herself to the swamp like a king to his land. She resurrected her lover as a zombie, set her daughter on the path to ruling the city, made her own gods, and could do things with a doll that had Tiffany eyeing her old toys speculatively for a month after she heard. According to Nanny Granny had been better at witchcraft, but not anywhere near as powerful. "Like one o' them little old men what can use martial arts to flip an elephant over his shoulder."
And Dreamy had Lilith Weatherwax's wand too. A device that worried Tiffany considerably. But a dark part of her said, "That girl is pretty strong already and getting stronger. Not sure I'd want to face her head on as she is. Still, if she's going to be the strongest, being known as the one who taught her might not be so bad." After all whenever people mentioned Granny they also mentioned a litany of witches going back to Black Aliss, one of the great cacklers and Tiffany knew granny was often credited with having taught her a thing or three.
Power corrupted, but it was still power.
Igorina meanwhile was already considered a bit mad by her own people. On the other hand it was not as if Uberwald was known for its long lines of sane and trustworthy lords. They mostly had evil sorcerers, undead, and mad scientists with Igor assistants and the occasional amateur trying to move up. The only real difference was that Ignorina wanted to do it her way. And while the Dark Lady of Uberwald was known to be terrifyingly effective at ruling the land and keeping things in check, Tiffany could not see any particular downside to giving her a bit of competition.
A wide grin crossed Tiffany's face and the light of the fire danced in her eyes. Some of the other witches flinched back. Others leaned closer, matching grins on their faces. Hadn't Nanny always told Tiffany when the subject of cackling came up, that a good cackle did a girl good every now and then?
She looked at Letitia. "Don't ask me. My mother was a dancehall girl who married a nobleman. I can't exactly throw stones about someone wanting to take over a bit of land. Queen Magrat married a king too." Unsaid was the fact that Tiffany herself had come pretty close to being the baroness of the Chalk.
Or that Tiffany was essentially equal to or even more in charge of their home than Letitia and Roland would ever be. Tiffany thought of herself as a normal country girl most of the time, but her father Joe Aching was the head shepherd in his day and like his mother before him and every Aching back into time immemorial. She even had a crown, albeit one in the form of an oddly shaped sand dollar. An army in the form of every farmer and feegle. Magic at her command and a recent addition, an undead fairy queen.
It was an undeniable fact that if she wanted to rule the chalk she could probably walk in and demand it. Roland and Letitia might not even put up a fight over it, happily turning over the title and responsibilities. Tiffany would never do such a thing, but she could. Were she the type she could destroy all opposition utterly. Letitia might be able to fight back, if she wanted to, but she doubted it even with her rather considerable natural talent at magic. At the moment though she would be happy to let Tiffany rule the land in her stead.
Honestly being a ruler of any level was a lot of work, much of it thankless especially around tax season. Like most of the mountain nobility she saw it as a job more than a title or privilege. Not every lord felt that way. There were plenty who spent their time hunting, having their way with peasant girls (though since witches had been on the rise that sort of thing had been curtailed quite a bit) and mostly just being seen doing whatever they wanted. That was actually an important part of being a leader. Looking opulent and like you were a bossy tyrant with complete control of your people was important. Letitia's mother was great at that. Shows of power were necessary for keeping people in line, particularly if you had something they wanted like a kingdom.
Manners. Wealth. Armed guards. Crowns. None of them terribly different from a witch's hat.
Everyone knew Granny, Nanny, and Magrat had chosen not to take over the land from the previous regime and hand it over the Verence. They could have and nobody would have complained. They just had not trusted themselves with that kind of power. Considering how Lilith had used it, it was easy to see why. Witches were not necessarily nice or even good. It was said that Granny really hated her sister because she had been so nasty that Granny had been forced to be the good one. That not even very deep down she wanted to be the wicked witch, the nasty one from storybooks, but Lilith had made her instead become the best.
If granny had been an only child or had even indulged in the same impulses as her sister it was easy to imagine the horrors that would have swept across the world. Tiffany remembered the Hiver and her own foray into her dark impulses. The worst part had been just how good it felt to take what she wanted, terrorize people, and generally know she could not be punished by anyone else. Anagramma had wet herself at Tiffany unleashed.
That was why her instinct had been to leash these girls and move them past their plans for power and confrontation. But it was easy to think that way when one had the option. Anagramma had once confided that she was interested in becoming a witch because her family were farmhands. Not even farmers or even house servants. Slopping hogs and shoveling crap for pennies. Tiffany had done that sort of thing herself, and still made a nice wage selling cheese, but she had been a witch since she was a girl and an Aching her whole life. It was easy to decry the trappings of wealth and power when you had the option, whether you took it or turned it down.
Rose meanwhile had grown up in a land still working on women's rights. Where not so long ago vigilantes and priests would have burned her at the stake for dressing like a man or fighting for them in their own army, no witchcraft required. She had trained as a soldier and been taught to fight and conquer. All that aside she also liked other women, which probably was not even as easily accepted as all the other stuff.
The prospect of being unquestioned ruler of a fairyland would be like a literal dream come true.
Igornina was raised as a servant but had dreams of being master of the house. Some women did it by seducing the lord. Others through manipulation or revolution. Some used money. Tiffany knew Igors tended to do all the work for their masters. The madmen and monsters they worked for came up with the ideas and Igor made them work. So if she had the same or better ideas, why shouldn't she be in charge?
And Dreamy did not even want that. She just wanted the power. Like the dragon with its hoard. She might nit want to do anything with her magic, but she wanted to be capable of doing anything. Tiffany had even heard tell that a few witches in history had managed to make the jump to goddesses. Granny had come close to that herself and Mrs. Treason still got the occasional prayer laid at her grave. Actually Tiffany had briefly been an avatar herself.
"I don't have a problem in general with witches getting power," Tiffany said carefully. "But I have two big worries. One is, if I help them gain power, I'm sort of responsible for what they do with it. And I know for a fact that a big part of what they want to do is going to be doing things I really don't approve of." She sighed. "Also I'm worried about what might happen to them. One wants to set herself up against the most ruthless vampire Uberwald has seen in centuries. Another wants to take up a position vacated by an inhuman monster whose go-to move was to threaten to turn people inside out." She shuddered remembering how she felt when she had been threatened by Nightshade as a child with that very fate, knowing that the elf could do it. "And setting up the last one to just be an ever growing source of magic just seems like setting up my own personal volcano. Sure she says she just wants the power and maybe that's true now, but a whim, an insult, or just one bad day is all it would take to change anyone's mind in that situation." She looked at Letitia again. "If you'll recall I once spent some days in your dungeon because Roland was upset about his father's death and being mildly influenced by an evil spirit. Then there's your mother…"
Letitia nodded. She knew exactly what Tiffany meant. While her mother did her position as nobility proud, she had been just a bit too proud and scared about her past too. So she had overcompensated by ditching her manners and being exceptionally bossy and cruel, to demonstrate her power. Had Mrs. Proust not burst her bubble with a much needed dose of humility, she would still be playing the overbearing mother in law and beating the servants for minor or imagined mistakes.
To her surprise though the girl who looked wetter somehow than Nightshade on a hot summer's day, said, "Well that's just stupid."
"What?" Around the circle a lot of the witches who held Tiffany in high esteem (feared her) scooted away from the baroness.
Letitia said, "You don't get to pick a person's position in life. That's either Fate or their own choice. People are born every day into situations of power and wealth. Or they take it. These girls are witches. They have decided what they want to do. They decided before you ever heard of them and it sounds like they don't wan to be talked out of it. So they are going to try for what they want regardless.
"Your choice is to either try and stop them, let them try it as is, or help them do it as best as you can. I don't think you can stop them and even if you could, that would be your decision and you would be responsible for their lives. It sounds like you don't think they're currently capable of surviving what they want let alone doing a good job if they do pull it off. Personally I know tiffany Aching and the way I see it, if you're going to try ruling a kingdom, you could not do much better than having her help and advice." Considering the mess Letitia, her mother, and Roland would have made of things without Tiffany it was a persuasive argument.
Petunia snorted, rather too much like a pig. "Don't be silly. It's obvious why Tiffany is um, balking at this. She's afraid she'll have too much power. Or um, people will think she does anyway."
Tiffany winced. "Maybe…" Responsibility was one thing, but Tiffany already had far more power than she was comfortable with. Head witch. She could summon the land she grew up in. She had harnessed two dead dogs in the form of Lightning and Thunder to fight arm army of elves. "I'm a little afraid of what I would do with that much influence." Helping people was fine but she had met a wizard (Wizzard according to his hat) who told her once that the road to Hell was literally paved with good intentions. "I'm afraid if I have the power to help people I might do it, whether they want me to or not. Power is best used when you're asked and you've thought about the way to do it. Just deciding what's right for others and then doing it… that scares me. I've done that a few times and people were not happy with it."
"Like my father?" Amber asked. She was a pretty young thing and married to a local tailor, who made Tiffany's black dresses and worked for a lot of other witches too. After all if Zazik the dwarf could proudly proclaim that Mistress Aching bought from him and make a fortune, why couldn't he?
Tiffany had helped Amber get away from her father after he beat her into a miscarriage for a little youthful indiscretion with her beau. Tiffany had strong armed him a bit and used her magic to help his wife and try to convince her to if not leave her abusive husband, at least get away for awhile. Amber's mother had been terrified. Her father had tried to hang himself. And sending amber to the feegles for healing had made half her friends and neighbors accuse her of "handing the girl over to the fairies". "Tiffany, doing the right thing isn't always welcome or easy. You know if Rob Anybody and the other feegles had their way they'd beat up everything in sight and then crawl into a bottle and try to drown in beer before doing it the next day."
"Aye," a familiar voice said from the darkness.
"She's got to order them and make them do things all the time. Or not do them. Nobody likes being told what to do or how to act, but it needs doing. You've had to threaten them and others yourself. Because you knew better." Amber smiled. "I'm much happier because of what you did for me, whatever anyone else said then or now. Nanny's daughters-in-law cursed her name in private daily but her own children and grandchildren she spoiled as much as she could all love her."
Letitia added, "Granny once got called to the castle because she made a man break hi own arm because she caught him beating his mule with a hammer. Verence was forced to lock her up for a month. Nanny said Granny considered it one of the best vacations she ever had and they treated her like a queen. Better maybe."
Tiffany knew how she must have felt. Her time in Roland's dungeon, which she could have (and did) easily left, had been one of the most relaxing times of her life since becoming a witch. All the same Roland, once his brain cleared, had been horrified and terrified by what he had done and what Tiffany might do in retaliation. Letitia too. And she had definitely considered it. The last time Nanny had been in the Lancre dungeons supposedly to be tortured had left her "torturers" screaming and afraid.
It was hard to imagine what it would have been like for the king, knowing what Grabby was capable of. Tiffany had been on the wrong end of the lady's glare for doing nice things for her, like giving her a cape or a cat. She had heard about the incident too. The lab with the hammer had been shocked when the old witch had turned up in court, mostly making a show for his own pride. He was so scared when she was convicted he had left town for parts unknown. Rumor had it he never stopped moving and when he was eaten by werewolves deep in the mountains, he was actually relieved.
"Tiffany, you have power. You make life or death decisions every day," Petunia said. "You're already in a position where if you chose you could do as much damage as… well you could make the Wintersmith look like an amateur. The way I see it, if you're going to go bad you're going to do it. I think it's better if you keep putting yourself in positions where you might go bad so you can learn how to handle it and see if you're going to slip. If nothing else the sooner it happens at the rate you accumulate power, the better. you'll be easier to beat.
"Or, you know, you can back out." She smiled evilly herself.
This was why Tiffany had been hesitant to go to her peers for help. They could prick her pride. Younger witches were learning and unskilled. Elder witches, they were over the hill and out of touch. Her friends however she had to listen to and among witches being weak or backing down was the same as among any predators… love you or hate you, they would dominate you if you showed any weakness.
Tiffany sniffed. "I suppose I'll consider it." She could not openly admit her friend had manipulated her, even if they all knew it. No wonder Granny rarely talked to anyone or went out except for work. They all knew she could crush them, but also that she would not… but they could not be completely certain. Anagramma had once seen her turn a dwarf into a toad after all.
"Besides I'd rather you do evil things intentionally than um, have you accidentally turn the world into an icy wasteland again because you flirted with a boy." Tiffany narrowed her eyes. Suddenly the log Petunia was sitting on cracked and dumped her backwards into a blackberry bush. Her legs sticking out of the leaves she said, "Okay, I deserved that." Around the circle the other witches laughed nervously, reminded just why Tiffany was their not-leader. A couple looked to Tiffany for a brief nod before moving to help her best friend out of the bushes.
She stood up. "Very well, at the behest of all you…" Tiffany said, sharing the blame and responsibility. "I apparently have queens to train. Good evening ladies." She picked up her room and nose in the air took a few steps before mounting up and slowly floating away.
Not seeing where else the evening's meeting could go the others moved to follow… and found their feet firmly planted o the ground. Some wobbled. A few fell over. They could not move a single step.
Anagramma said, "You know we might want to be more careful in how we give her advice in the future."
The others nodded and gently twisted themselves back into sitting positions. From the look of things the spell should break at dawn… in another five hours. A lot of witches could not fly too well in daylight, so many of them would be walking at least for a while too.
The three would-be witch queens woke up to Tiffany kicking them awake. "Come on you three, we've got work to do."
Dreamy groaned, "It's not even dawn…" Rose got up easily, still used to being in the army. Igorina came from stock where now was when she generally went to sleep, but also who were used to staying up and working hard for days at a time. Who knew what she had installed to get over sleep deprivation? For all Tiffany knew she had a gland that secreted coffee.
"You can sleep until noon once you're royalty. For now you're on my time." All three of them looked up at her. "That's right ladies. I've decided to help you achieve your dreams, as bad an idea as that might turn out. If you want to be queens of your little corners of the world we're going to make sure you can do it right and I'm going to make sure you do it to my standards. Anyone got a problem with that?"
They did not even hesitate to say in unison, "No Mistress Aching."
Tiffany smiled. "Good. I've been making inquiries. It seems since his retirement lord Vetinari has been living in an estate. He's agreed to give you some tips. Sadly his replacement Adora Bella Von Lipvig it too busy to speak, but her husband has offered his services too. I've talked to a bard who knew Emperor Cohen and the Silver horde, some wizards including Eskarina Smith, A duchess turned teacher Miss Tick knows named Susan Sto Helit, and a few other people I think you will find rather useful to know." She looked at Igorina. "I also contacted Lady Margolotta and told her you're planning to set yourself up as her competition." She looked to Rose. "Turns out there are a lot of other people who aren't opposed to conquering fairyland and once they head about the idea, they wanted to see if they can beat you to it." Her eyes turned to Dreamy. "And you young lady are going to be doing a lot of community service. If you're going to accumulate power you are going to use it. In public."
They stared at her in shock. It was entirely possible that she had signed two of their death warrants, if not all of them. All three actually. An immortal undead lady was not known for brokering opposition. A world of dreams ripe for the taking was quite the prize and well worth killing for. And as for being the most powerful witch in the world, people were scared or envious of such power and either wanted those with them dead or to take it for themselves.
"I'm sorry, did you want to quit?" Tiffany asked them, crossing her arms.
This time the three younger women shared a look and then turned back to her, eyes littering. Again as one they said, "Bring it."
Author's Note
I could do a lot more with this, but since I don't own the rights and I do have my own books to write. I might do more later, if I get the urge, but I like this story. Feel free to use it if you like as long as I get credit.
It just seemed to me that a lot of the witches in Discworld aren't doing things up to their full potential. Intentionally. Granny held herself back lest she become like her sister. A lot of them just liked their little slice of land. Even the wizards mostly just putter around their school these days, Rincewind being the one who does the most in the world and he can't even do any magic.
Seemed though that such witches are and should be in the minority. So let's get a few who actually want power and to use it. And while Tiffany might not do so herself, teaching them to do it right seems right up her alley. Especially if they do go power mad one day and she turns out to be the one who has to come stomp them down.
I picture Igorina and Margolotta becoming rivals over the centuries, keeping each other in check as dueling dark lords in Uberwald. Of course there's still old whats-his-name at Dontgonearthecastle and the Werewolves (surely not all of Aguna's family are losers) and the dwarves. All keeping each other busy while playing nice at masquerade balls and the like. Possibly being overthrown by angry mobs, their own creations, or just destroying each other and new dark lords moving in. The phrase "The Igors are revolting!" comes to mind.
Rose would have her harem of beautiful fairy ladies and would lead the fairies on raids, skipping the whole abducting human children thing, except maybe burgeoning sociopaths and the like. Taking murderers or abusers or something if they do take kids it would be to raise them right away from abusive or neglectful parents. Meanwhile she would have the fairies get their kicks by giving people what they ask for, however good or terrible that turns out to be. Not necessarily good, but definitely learning a lesson. Just like witches. Immortal in fairyland and occasionally seducing away pretty mortal girls too. Maybe even kicking out all the male fairies to go to either the king or wander Discworld or other places. She might make friends with the Hogfather though… maybe becoming his version of Krampus. Exploring and maybe conquering other worlds or teaching people on those worlds witchcraft. All accompanied by her chief consort and bodyguard, Maggie the feegle, much to Jenny's shock and dismay. Especially since as a lesbian and a soldier Rose likely knows enough embarrassing things to give Nanny Ogg a run for her money. It would have been nice to see her make Nanny blush, but given the time passage I figure the old lady and her cat Greebo are goners within a decade of Granny and not likely to stick about haunting the place. Instead the two of them probably got knifed in a bar fight and ended up hopping a ride with a valkyrie to the feasting hall where she's drinking out the whole place and embarrassing the barbarian types much to the valkyries' enjoyment.
Meanwhile Dreamy actually becomes the fairy godmother or even goddess she can be, with nearly limitless power. She'll get her kicks granting wishes to worthy and unworthy alike, the results depending on how much a shine she takes to them. Maybe even joining the other gods playing their game up in their city. Taking on varying guises and setting people off on grand adventures. Plucking at the threads of destiny and then having a hero step in for her when she inevitably screws something up as gods tend to do.
Also it occurred to me that while Moist might make a good replacement for Vetinari in running the city not only is he a foreigner, but he's Moist. His wife meanwhile is a local, has a tendency to overwork herself, and can pretty much call on Moist to do anything she wants. So making her the official leader means he gets someone trustworthy and hard working but still nasty ruler for the city in the office and Moist still gets stuck doing all the difficult things, like keeping her alive. She just could mention needing something done over dinner and Moist would stroll off and it would get done through means that his wife would be quite happy not knowing the details of, but probably would due to spies and goblins and things anyway. Then they would eat another dinner and both would smile and they would go off to the bedroom for the evening, or at least until the next problem, whichever came first.
As for Nightshade it seems that people who expect to live forever would have plenty of unfinished business and if an Auditor can develop a soul, I figure the elf queen who made a friend could… and would stick around to haunt the place. Not sure elves have a tradition of an afterlife. I think in fairyland when they die they just turn into trees or rocks or things. However there was a corpse and bringing her back as an undead like a Rusalka or Snow Maiden, seemed like something that would agree with her.
Besides as the next generation of local witches up in the Ramtops starts to grow up, a snowy elf queen and a watery one to swim with should provide them plenty of fun. She always liked to spoil kids after all. If she happens to drown or freeze the occasional rapist or murderer, well that's a thing for you. Honestly after trying to rule elves for millennia she'd probably consider it a dandy retirement. Plus Tiffany gets her friend back.
Once she gets into training them I imagine Tiffany going full out with demon summonings and curses and blessings and things. Training the girls to being real old school witches and sorceresses and what not, so they can do all the things she can't, but making sure they don't go too crazy with it either. "No need for gingerbread cottages girls, I learned carpentry." Then after they're situated in their creepy castle, magical fairyland, and swamp boat, she can come back and deal with all the problems that built up while she was gone and everyone will hear how she trained up three powerful and scary witches so they're wondering what she can really do. Even if she never actually does it.
Overall seems like a lot of fun to me.