Title: Twenty-Seven Years
Rating: T
Summary: "Are these all for me?" Ellie asks, her voice as soft and steady as she can make it. When Alan nods, she continues. "May I read them?"
Disclaimer: Alan Grant, Ellie Sattler, Ian Malcom, Billy Brennan, Tim, Lexie and any other recognizable character, part of script or plot of Jurassic Park belongs to Universal Pictures Amblin Entertainment.
In no way is the author claiming ownership of any of the characters nor is there any economical/monetary gain at any time. The author is extremely respectful of the original creators and is willing to take down this work of fiction if requested.
No copyright infringement intended.
Original characters are property of the author.
Some events have been changed of order in order to better fit the story.
Twenty-Seven Years
Chapter 1
She'd missed this far more than she had ever admitted even to herself.
The heat of the desert, the feeling of fine sand that kept appearing no matter how much she tried to brush it off, the smell of glue and the sensation of weathered paper against the pads of her fingers, all made her ache for a much simpler time. She couldn't help but remember a time where dinosaurs were only fossils and she was living in a dig with the love of her life.
She closes her eyes, letting herself savor the moment. She can clearly see Alan with his fedora and his handkerchief, a grin on his face as they uncovered their first velociraptor claw. He'd turn it from one side to the other, marveling at its beauty before turning to look at her as she wrapped another part of the fossil with glue and gauze. His eyes had been so bright, so happy.
The sound of a crash makes her turn towards the sound rapidly. It is just a young student who has dropped a tub full of camel brushes on his way to whatever spot they are currently digging at. "Sorry." He mumbles for having scared her. "I'm clumsy as hell."
Ellie smiles at him encouragingly before reaching over to help him gather the brushes. "No problem. Just… don't drop them near the fossils." She teases.
"No, ma'am."
They've just finished picking them up when she hears the footsteps approaching. She knows who it is without having to turn; Alan. The cadence of his steps is something she had learned early on in their relationship and has simply never forgotten. Pushing the end of her loose hair behind her ear, she turns up to look at him, a loving smile instantly appearing on her lips. "Hey!"
"Hey!" He replies as he reaches her side. Alan offers his hand to her to help her up and she takes it right away even though she doesn't need it. It's one of the little things he does for her that makes her absolutely melt inside.
She wants to lean in and kiss him but their relationship has barely restarted and she doesn't know how he will feel to public displays of affection in front of his current coworkers and students. Instead she gives his hand a little squeeze. It will have to do. "Got it done?"
He nods at her. "I'm no longer the person in charge of the dig." Alan explains. "We just got to go pick up some of the things in the tent."
She gives him a nod and another smile.
Ellie knows the decision to leave the dig and go with her had been on Alan alone, but she still wants to give him one last chance to back away from the craziness that could be her life, especially with her fight against Biosyn. "Are you sure?" She asks.
Alan narrows his eyes at her. She knows he's trying to find a sign that she doesn't want him around her, but she also knows that he's not going to find any. She has him now and unless he makes the decision to leave, she's not giving him up.
"You can't get rid of me that easily, Ellie Sattler." He playfully warns her before leaning in and pressing his lips to hers in a quick kiss. She blushes once he pulls away. Guess he has no reservations about displays of affection. "Come on, we'll box up my tent and put it in the van."
She follows him to his tent as she had done so many times when they'd been younger. This time, though, she knows they will be leaving the dig together to start the rest of their lives instead of hunkering down in a much too small cot to try and rest before the day would start again.
The tent is just like they left it. There's papers stern everywhere, empty glue bottles, maps of the dig posted on a cork-board and bones Alan had unearthed displayed amidst the organized chaos she was well acquainted with. It was the life of a paleontologist in full display which she couldn't help but feel fond of. Nothing had changed, except perhaps there were some touches missing of a paleobotanist that had once shared her life with him.
When she'd first come she hadn't really dared to check for signs of a female presence among his things. She'd been afraid to find that he had settled with someone and was happier than he'd ever been with her. It would have certainly broken her heart, not because she didn't want him to be happy, on the contrary, but because their life's goal had been so different that they couldn't form a cohesive future. Now that she knows he'd been single, it's plain to see that this is all Alan Grant. No female possessions detected anywhere.
"What do you want to box up?" She asks as she looks around the tent.
"Clothing, bones, paperwork not related to the dig." He's already sorting through some of his personal belongings, dividing the clothing in what has already been used and what is as clean as it can be in the middle of the Montana desert.
Deciding that she would let him deal with his personal belongings, Ellie starts to work on the paperwork. She divides things into two piles; one belonging to the dig and one belonging to Alan. It is broad, but it will give her a starting point. She can sort it further later so that they wouldn't dump a mess of papers on whomever Alan has left in charge. Alan's pile could be sorted at her home, once they have settled in fully.
She works silently for the first couple of minutes but then she starts humming a random song under her breath. She isn't even sure if it was a song or just a melody her mind is conjuring up to fill in the time. Alan seems to like it, though, so she hums a little louder and watches from the corner of her eye as he bobs his head with the melody.
Once she has the main table cleared, Ellie moves towards one of the industrial strength storage racks. She does a quick look over what it contains, but only takes what she knows Alan will want to keep. Mainly some of the bones she knows are part of his discoveries because she'd been there when he'd found them.
With the racks done, she moves towards a double filing cabinet which has obviously seen better days. She runs her hands over the warm metal, smiling as she recalls that this is the very filing cabinet they'd used all those years ago. Just to make sure it is, she pulls at the first drawer on the left side. Just as she'd thought, it's broken. The sound of metal scrapping metal fills the tent and she groans as it reverberates in her ears. "Sorry." She calls out once the sound has stopped.
"Still broken." Alan notes.
Unable to stop herself from teasing him, Ellie ribs him. "Didn't you say that you were gonna get that fixed… oh I don't know… almost thirty years ago."
Alan simply gives her a half grin, his eyes sparkling before he gives a little shrug. "Time got away from me."
Ellie shakes her head at him. In some respects, Alan is a typical man. He'd promise to get something fixed but then forget or get distracted by something else. The filling cabinet has to be one of those moments. "Just empty it, Masterson can keep it for whatever he needs to file."
"Yeah, yeah." She whispers under her breath but continues on.
The broken drawer finally opens after a little bit of force which makes the random magnet that had been placed on it, fall and roll away. Something had been on that spot, she can see it on the discoloration of the cabinet's paint as it highlights a small rectangle. It had probably been a picture. Deciding not to think much of it, she started sorting through the papers. Most of them were of the dig so she doesn't pull any of them out. She then switches to the second drawer beneath the broken one. This drawer is full of drafts that Alan has done. She's not sure if it's from a book he's planning to eventually release or if it's just random theories and thoughts that had come to him and had been shoved into the cabinet, forgotten as he focuses on his current work. She sorts through it, putting most of it on the Alan pile before moving to the next two lower drawers.
Again she works through them, separating paperwork and sorting it the piles that have started towering. Deciding she really doesn't want to pick up fallen papers, she starts a second pile for Alan's papers then moves to the second row of drawers. The first drawer isn't very challenging and gets cleared pretty fast since it mostly consisted of bottles of glue, extra camel brushes and packages of bandages that they used to secure the fossils before they were extracted. Knowing this is Alan's stash of paleontology needs, she looks through the brushes and pulls out only one of them which she knows is Alan's favorite brush. It is extremely weathered and probably hasn't been used for years, but she still wants to keep it. Maybe she can present it to him as a little keepsake so he can put it in his new office at the University.
He must have caught her pulling it out because he chuckles and tells her. "Throw that away."
Ellie shakes her head defiantly, though the corner of her lips raise to show him that she's playful and relaxed. "No way! This is THE Alan Grant brush! Used in many of the digs until it had to be replaced and even then you continued using it cause you didn't like the new one."
"Guess I'm a creature of habit." He pauses his work on the living area of the tent to move towards her. Signaling he wants the brush by extending his hand towards her, Ellie carefully places it on his open palm. He immediately curls his fingers around it in second nature. "Yeah, we can keep it. I'm sure I'll find something to do with it around the house."
Her chest explodes with happiness as she hears him say that. He doesn't mention a new home, or her home, just says the house, as if it is common knowledge that they will be sharing a home now. It makes her absolutely ecstatic. Moving quickly, for fear that he will lose it or leave it behind, she reaches for the brush and snatches it from his hand. "I'll keep it safe." She promises before slipping it into the pocket of her shorts.
Just to make it a point to him and hopefully pull out a laugh, she pats the bulge that the brush makes. "All safe."
Alan chuckles just like she knew he would before leaning in for a kiss. Without anyone to interrupt them or stare at them, Ellie raises her arms over his shoulders and wraps them around him. His hands immediately go to her waist, pulling her a little bit closer. She feels him hum against her lips before she opens them, giving him entrance and allowing herself to fall deeper into his kiss. She doesn't know how long they stay wrapped in each other's arms, but it feels like an eternity and yet not enough. When they finally pull apart she hums softly and licks her lips.
Alan growls playfully under his breath.
"Focus, Dr. Grant." She gives him another tiny kiss before turning back to her work.
"Oh Ellie, Ellie, Ellie." Alan leaves her side while shaking his head. It amuses her just how tactile they can be and how she manages to distract the laser focused paleontologist.
Ellie then watches him try to decide what to tackle next before directing his movements towards another file cabinet on the other side of the table. Once he's hands deep into paperwork, she turns once more to the cabinet she's been working on and opens the second drawer.
What she finds inside is something she doesn't think could ever exist.
Neatly arranged, one after the other, are a bunch of envelopes. Confused, Ellie reaches for the one at the very front of the pile and pulls it out. Her name is scrawled on it in Alan's handwriting. She turns to look at Alan who continues to shift through the contents of his own filing cabinet but seeing that he is busy, she decides to simply pull the aged paper out of the envelope. It's a letter, dated three years after the nightmare that had been Jurassic Park. She doesn't have to read it to remember the importance of the date, after all, it was a moment in her life that had left a deep impression in her soul.
She's caught between wanting to respect his privacy and reading the words which had obviously been written for her. Alan is not the kind of person to put his inner most thoughts and feelings on paper. He isn't a recluse, but he is a deeply private man. Would he be mad if she read it?
Turning once more to the drawer, Ellie quickly counts the total of letters. Twenty-seven. Twenty-seven undelivered letters that Alan had locked away in his filing cabinet, but which he'd obviously cared enough to keep neat and tidy. Twenty-seven letters she wishes she could read right away.
Gently, not wanting to make much of a sound, Ellie pulls out the first of them. She turns to look at Alan again only to find that he's leaning so much over one of the bottom drawers that his head has fully disappeared inside of it. She chuckles at the sight but turns back to the paper in front of her.
She has to read them, she simply has to.
'Ellie,
This is probably the hardest letter I have ever had to write. You just left the dig,
hauling your things towards your new life. I think you've packed my heart along with it
because everything is suddenly so much dar-'
She stops reading. It feels like an invasion of privacy and she can't do that to Alan.
"Honey?" She says softly after folding the letter and preparing to show it to him. "I think I found something of yours."
"Whatever it is just put it in a box, I'll deal with it later." She hears his voice bounce on the metal of the drawer before he pulls back and turns to look towards her. She knows the moment he sees what's in her hand because his smile drops and his eyes become a little guarded. "Oh."
"Are these all for me?" She asks, her voice as soft and steady as she can make it. She almost feels like she's in front of the baby dinosaurs she's seen, skittish and afraid that she will somehow hurt her. When he nods, she continues. "May I read them?"
"Ellie, it's the musings of an old, lonely man-" He starts complaining but she quickly corrects him.
"That may be, but he's my old, lonely man and I'd love to read them." She is ready to beg to him for the chance to read them. Thankfully, though, Alan closes his eyes and gives a nod.
"Just don't hold any of it against me."
"I won't, honey." She promises.
With his permission, and while he goes back to doing whatever he'd been doing in the cabinet to keep himself entertained, Ellie gathers all of the envelopes and carefully moves towards the nearest chair. She makes sure that they don't get mixed up as she sets them down the reaches for the first letter. Time to read.
Ellie,
This is probably the hardest letter I have ever had to write. You just left the dig,
hauling your things towards your new life. I think you've packed my heart along with it
because everything is suddenly so much darker.
I'm so sorry, sweetheart. Can I even still call you that? Please know that I am sorry.
There is nothing more I wish I could do than give you everything you wanted, especially a
home to come to at the end of the day and the children you so deeply desire. Oh Ellie, the
idea of having children used to scare me for so long, but then the park happened and well,
having children with you didn't seem as scary as it once did. If I could keep two kids alive
in a park full of creatures ready to eat them, then surely I could raise our babies and not
mess it up, right?
It's better this way; for you to leave the site with hope for a future instead of
staying with an old fossil like me and never getting what you wanted. That would have
been what happened if you stayed with me, Ellie. You'd be forever longing for a child that
I couldn't give you, a family I couldn't provide, and a home that exists only in dreams.
This way at least you get to be happy. You get to find someone who can give you
everything you want, and more, and I'll be happy for you. I will. I am.
I only hope that you don't hate me. It had to be this way, Ellie. You had to leave
thinking that I didn't want to give you what you wanted. Otherwise you would have
felt sorry for me, you would have stayed going from dig to dig, loving a man who can't
give you anything you want. You wouldn't have resent me either, I know that, your love is
too big and your soul too forgiving to resent me, but you deserve to settle down with
someone who can father your children, build your family, and I can't do that. Not because
I don't want to, Ellie please believe that. The thought of one day giving you your dreams
kept the nightmares at bay most of the time. I just can't. I'm sterile, Ellie. I guess destiny
chose me to become extinct.
Don't feel bad for me, sweetheart. It just wasn't meant to be. Also, please don't be
mad because I didn't tell you. I'd rather you accept the job proposal, stay away from the
fossils so your nightmares will go away, and find someone who can love you like you deserve.
Like I love you. Like I will always love you. You'll be a wonderful mother, Ellie Sattler. There is
no doubt about that. You'll make a man the luckiest man in the world, just like you made
me while you were here
I'll love you until my bones turn to dust,
Alan Grant'
Ellie can barely contain the tears that threaten to fall. She'd left with a broken heart, thinking that Alan hadn't wanted to take the next step with her. They'd promised to remain friends, and for some time they'd managed to keep in touch and occasionally see each other, but he'd never told her he was sterile. He never told her that that was the reason to why he'd pulled away and broken things up between them.
Brushing away the tear that had managed to fall, Ellie puts the letter down on her lap before turning to look at Alan.
He's watching her, a sad expression on his face. She can't even imagine what he is thinking but all she wants to do is run to him and hug him, tell him she never stopped loving him, tell him that she would have never left him. He had been right. She would have stayed with him because she loved him not because he could give her what she wanted. Had she done that, though, she wouldn't have her precious children.
"I'm sorry, Ellie." He whispers. "I had to-"
"Why didn't you tell me?"
It breaks her heart even further to think that he'd been keeping this secret, carrying it on his own. She understands why he didn't tell her when he found out, how he thought that by not sharing it with her he was protecting her, but why hadn't he told her after she'd married Mark or had the kids?
"I didn't want you to feel pity for me."
She quickly tries to get up but the letters on her lap stop her from doing so. She puts them aside carefully then moves towards him. She almost slams into Alan, strong enough for him to have to take a step back to steady himself but not hard enough for them to topple over. "I would have never pitied you." She promises. "Not ever, Alan Grant."
With his arms wrapped around her and his chin on her shoulder, Ellie holds Alan against her. It's a comforting embrace where she wants to hug away whatever pain he's felt over the diagnostic, over their broken relationship. He relaxes into her as if the weight of the world had been lifted from his shoulders. She can feel his steady breathing against the curve of her neck and she finds herself pressing soft kisses to his shoulder to further ease his discomfort.
"I love you, Alan Grant." She whispers, her lips brushing against the soft material of his well-worn shirt. "I loved you then and I love you now and nothing is going to change that. Nothing can change that, understood?"
She feels him nod against her then pull back. His eyes are misty but nothing like hers had been when she'd finished reading the letter. "I love you too, Ellie. Now and then."
"What a pair we make." She can't help but tease to try and ease the sadness that had settled in the tent. His chuckle is enough to lift her soul a little.
"The best." He concludes before pointing towards the chair with a movement of his head. "Go on, you have a couple more to read."
She cups his cheek lovingly then leans in to kiss his soft lips. It lasts but a second but she hopes it's enough to remind him of just how much she loves him.
When she makes it back to the chair, she puts the read letter to the side and reaches for the next one. This one too is slightly weathered but what catches her attention is that the envelope has a spot that has obviously been water damaged. It's a small spot but she still traces the drop with the tip of her finger. She knows it's not a drop of coffee, or of some other drink, and it's far too small for it to be anything other than a tear. A tear long absorbed by the paper but whose memory still remains.
Alan had been crying when he put this letter away.
Dreading what she'd find written inside, Ellie still pulls the letter out and starts reading.
'Dear Ellie,
It has finally happened; you've found someone else that makes you happy.
I knew it would happen and even though I tried not to think about it, it kept pushing itself
into my mind whenever I wondered what you were up to. Now I know and I am
happy for you.
I don't know how you've managed, but the invitation came to the dig site.
I shouldn't be surprised, really, you were always tenacious and when something got into
your mind there was no stopping you. It's part of what made me fall in love with you. I
hope Mark Degler loves that too. He must or you wouldn't have even considered going
out with him, much less marry him.
Ellie, I hope you forgive me if I don't attend. I wish I could say that I will, but
we both know I'm hardly the person who would attend a social function unless I
absolutely had to. I want to be there with you. I want to see you walk down the aisle
and be the happiest you've ever been, but I won't lie to you and pretend that I don't
wish I was at the one at the end of the aisle waiting for you.
Did I ever tell you I had a ring before I found out about the sterility? It's not
a diamond ring because you aren't the typical kind of girl who would love a sparkling
rock. At least I don't think you would. I'm not a hopeless romantic, as you well know,
but it is made out of amber. It felt appropriate since we were always rolling around in
the dirt, trying to unearth what had long been lost. After the park though, I held off on it,
knowing it wasn't the time to give you something that could possible remind you of
what we went through in that island. A part of me wishes I had given it to you. The
other part of me knows it was better this way.
Now you can have the family you've always wished for, the normality that
you craved after what happened to us.
I will try my best to go to your wedding, for you.
With all my love,
Alan.'
Ellie sighs sadly. She can still remember how much she'd debated sending the invitation. Up until that point they hadn't really talked after their breakup. In fact, it was during her wedding that they had reconnected. She'd later learned that Ian had practically dragged him to her side before he asked her for a dance. That dance was something she still kept near her heart, perhaps even more than her first dance with Mark.
He'd been dressed to the nines. She remembers thinking that she'd never seen him in a tux and smiling so she knew that he'd done it for her. She remembers how his hand had felt at her back, how she'd had to resist the urge to press herself against him and lean her head on his shoulder. For a moment she'd given herself to the fantasy that this was their first dance and that Mark didn't exist, that the past year and a half hadn't happened. It had all come crashing down around her once the song had finished and he'd pulled away, her new husband ready to take over.
She'd known right that moment that she would be calling him the first chance she got. That chance had happened almost two months after the wedding but it had started their little once a week ritual of catching up. Eventually, he'd even visited.
Turning her hand over as she folds the letter up, her gaze can't help but move to the ring on her finger. When he'd given it to her she'd fallen in love with it right away, accepting his proposal as soon as he'd managed to push the nerves away and ask her to marry him. It is simple, like she knew Alan is, but absolutely beautiful. A gold band held a polished piece of amber. Encapsulated within the amber is a small piece of a plant that had been caught by the tree zap. Alan somehow managed to find a piece that embraced both of them and had it fashioned into a ring that he'd kept hidden for years. Thankfully it now adorned her ring finger and there was no way she was taking it off.
She reaches for the next letter and immediately starts reading.
My dear Ellie,
It's two o'clock in the morning and I can't seem to fall asleep.
You did always say I was a night owl whenever I had something in my mind.
Don't worry, it wasn't a nightmare, not this time. I just can't stop thinking of
what could have been.
You are pregnant, Ellie. You are going to be a mom.
I wish I could have been looking at you when you told me but
I guess hearing your excitement over the phone will have to suffice.
You sounded so happy, Ellie. I don't think I've ever heard you be this giddy,
not even when we were looking at the baby raptor being born. You are going
to be a great mom, I know it, and not just from the sound of your excitement.
We both know how cruel the mind can be, and of course mine can
be extremely cruel. So I was stuck staring at the ceiling of the RV, wondering
what could have been if only I could have had this with you. It would have
been wonderful to witness first hand as you became a mom, as you grew a
whole person within you. I'd probably be terrified throughout the whole
pregnancy and you'd constantly tell me to stop hovering. We both know I'd
continue following you around, probably in awe of what you were accomplishing.
I'd like to think we'd have a little girl, just like her mother. She'd have that
beautiful blond hair of yours, maybe a little darker. She'd definitively have blue eyes.
She would be spitfire, just like you. As she grew, I think she would have liked
dinosaurs, maybe even have a soft spot for the triceratops. Hey, maybe she'd
even help with the digging. Kids like to dig, right? I wouldn't even mind if she
smelled because she would be ours. She would be so loved.
Maybe we would have had more than one. A whole paleo team that
we could take everywhere. I think I would have liked that. Who knows what it
could have been but I know it would have been amazing, El. Now it will only
exist in my dreams and the waking hours when the memories prove too much
to deal with.
I hope to one day have the honor of seeing you be a mom,
Alan'
She's crying now. There's no way she can hide it. The tears are streaming down her face far faster that she could have ever wiped them away. She sniffles and it's enough to bring Alan to her, concern painted in his expression.
"I'm sorry." He kneels in front of her, wincing slightly as one of his knees pops. She wants to tell him to get up because it's going to hurt later, but she's sobbing so hard that she can't form a coherent sentence. "Whatever it was, I'm sorry."
His hand is on her leg, his thumb moving back and forth against the material of her jeans in a soothing motion. She reaches for it and holds on tightly as she lets the pain, that has suddenly slammed into her, ease away.
She'd never told him, and specially hadn't told Mark, but she'd had similar moments in the late of night where she'd stared out of her window, wondering what he was doing and dreaming of all of the what-ifs. Now she understood why Alan had broken things up between them, why he had pulled away from her months before that, but back then she'd silently cried as she placed a hand on her growing belly and wondered what Alan would be doing if he was her husband.
"Alan," she mumbles between sobs, her hand once again moving from his to cup his cheek. "You would have been an amazing father."
He leans his head against her hand, closing his eyes and simply taking a moment to breathe. She wants to tell him everything, to let him see the life she'd imagined for them with their children. The two lives she had created with Mark quickly morphed into a full paleo team in her mind's eye. They would have all been amazing simply because they were half of Alan and half of her. Alan and she would have probably been exhausted by the end of the day, but just as happy. If only…
"I probably would have messed up on a lot of things, Ellie." He admits to her without opening his eyes. She can see from the little curl on his lips that he's envisioning the life his mind had created for them. It makes her smile that even now, when their chances of creating said family are truly gone, he can still see them as clearly as the day he wrote the letter.
"You think I didn't?" She asks with a chuckle. Letting the letter join the other's she'd already read, she quickly uses her now free hand to brush away the last of her tears before she lets out a soft sigh. "There was a period of time where Charlie hated me. He wasn't even a teenager. I can't remember what started it but he went from being my cute cuddly little boy, to a six year old boy that I didn't understand and wanted me nowhere near him."
Alan opened his eyes finally but only did so to look at her as if she is lying for his benefit. She gives him a little shrug of the shoulder before she nods to assure him that she isn't lying. "And there was that time that I said the wrong thing in front of the boy that Mandy had a crush on. She refused to talk to me for two weeks."
He'd already met her now adult children so she knows that some of the skepticism came from having seen how great they had turned out. Still, there had been some rough spots that she AND Mark had had to navigate through as they grew up. It is part of being a parent and she can't help but ache as she realizes Alan had never had the chance to go through them. "Don't worry, Alan, I happen to have a ring that says that you will soon become a step-parent to both Amanda and Charlie. Do you know what that means?"
Alan looked at her skeptically but shakes his head. She grins, brushing away the last remains of her tears. "Grand-children, Alan." She explains. "And the beauty of grandkids is that you get to spoil them all day long, teach them everything you want and give them back at the end of the day."
Alan playfully rolls his eyes at her but does let out a tiny chuckle. "Charlie and Amanda are still too young to be having children, they have school to finish, and then they should settle down with someone before they even think about children."
"See? You are already thinking like a parent." She teases. Instead of rolling his eyes this time, Alan blushes slightly. She finds it absolutely adorable. Sobering up a little, Ellie smooths her thumb over his cheek. "I really wish you'd had the chance to be a father, Alan."
"So do I, El." He admits sadly. "So do I."
Alan offers to stay by her side in case any other of the letters triggers something, but Ellie shakes her head at him. At the pace they are going they will never finish packing up his tent before they have to go. The idea of spending one last night in the middle of an active dig is enticing, but they have to catch a flight tomorrow towards Washington to testify in front of Congress and she knows they need to finish prepping for it.
"No, no. Go! Finish packing up while I continue reading." She waves him away with a wink before turning back to the abandoned letters. She carefully folds the letter and places it back into its envelope before reaching for the next one.
The letter is very short. So short in fact that it makes Ellie look around to see if she'd dropped the other part of it. When she finds that there's nothing more, she unfolds the small piece of paper and immediately understands why it's so short.
'Dear Ellie,
I just got off the phone with Mark. You are a mom. To a healthy baby boy.
I cannot tell you how happy it makes me that you've finally realized your dream.
You've gotten everything you've wanted Ellie and that makes me far happier than
anything I could have ever discovered. Hopefully one day I'll be strong enough to
visit you and your baby boy.
Wishing I was there,
Alan.'
She knows what he means with the last sentence; that he'd wanted to be there not as a friend visiting another friend, but as a proud father holding his child. She closes her eyes as she lets out a sad little sigh. She can still remember how she had insisted that Mark contact Alan. Mark had told her to wait until she was feeling better after a grueling long labor, but she'd been adamant. Mark had called, he'd told her so, and so she had waited for him to appear at her hospital room. Alan had never come and now knowing how much he must have been suffering, she hates herself for having felt like he was abandoning her.
Recuperating from Charlie's birth had been hard because it had been compounded by her missing him. She'd even planned to take her newborn child and suddenly arrive at Alan's dig, just to get them to meet, but Mark had said that there had to be a reason he wasn't coming and she had to respect it. It had been hard but she'd learned to accept that children were just not Alan's thing and while he may have been happy for her, he just didn't want to be around them. How wrong had she been.
Without a second though, Ellie reaches for the next letter which is just as short as the one before. He's congratulating her on Charlie's first birthday and saying that while he wishes he could have attended the small party they had thrown in Charlie's honor, he'd been in the middle of digging out the bones of a male diplodocus and he won't be able to make it.
The letter after that is even shorter but its shortness tells her much more than the letter ever could have. In a single sentence he says he's sorry he couldn't answer her call but that he congratulates her on the birth of Amanda.
It's not until the seventh letter that they go back to his usual length. She even lets out a sigh of relief when she finds his handwriting sprawled all over the page and not just at the very top. It's loud enough for Alan to turn around to look at her with a questioning look. "Everything alright?"
"Yes, yes." She promises. "Everything is fine."
She's already reading it before she's even finished replying.
'Dear Ellie,
I've just arrived from the hospital. You were right, Ellie,
I should have never gone with them. I should have never accepted the
flyover of Isla Sorna. We almost didn't make it out of there. If it wasn't for you
we probably wouldn't have. I know I should have told you all of this back at
the hospital when you came to visit but my mind went completely blank as
soon as I saw you there. I hate to see you cry, El, even if it's from relief that
your friend didn't become dino dinner.
Now I'm back and I'm deeply regretting not telling you
again how much you mean to me. How much you continue to mean to me
and not just because you saved us. From the moment we met there was no
one else. You quickly became a part of me, or I of you, I'm not quite sure
which way it went. You seemed to understand me without me having to talk.
Whatever I needed in the dig, you were there to help me find it. Even out of
the dig, in those short moments where we went to your apartment, you knew
what I needed before I knew it. Even with my inability to co-exist with technology,
you always made me feel like I fit right there in your life. Before I knew it you
were the first thing I thought of when I woke up and the last thing before bed.
I was a lucky man when I somehow got the courage to ask you on a date and
you said yes. Thank God you took over in directioning our relationship because
we both know that I would have messed it up far earlier than I did.
You were my constant, Ellie. I knew that as long as I had you at my side
everything in this world would be fine. Thank you for hanging on to me as long
as you did, for being there for me even if you think that I turned my back on you.
You have no idea how much it means to me.
There aren't many things that I regret in life, but the way things ended between
us certainly is one of them. I should have handled it better, just like I should have
handled my feelings about your marriage and children. God Ellie, Charlie and
Amanda are fascinating. I still can't believe how much he loved the old dinosaur
toys that were in my RV. Maybe someday I'll be able to teach him more about
them, when he's five, I promise. Amanda is so tiny but she's loud and feisty,
like her mother. No one will ever tell her what to do if she doesn't want to do it.
Was Charlie as small as she is? I can't imagine him ever being smaller than he is
now. You were right Ellie, you are always right, babies don't smell. At least
Charlie and Amanda don't.
I regret not visiting earlier. Maybe then Charlie would call me Uncle Alan
instead of 'Dinosaur Man' and Amanda would have known me and not cried
whenever you passed her over. I know, I know, you said she was teething and
that's why she was crying, but still. They are wonderful, Ellie, truly wonderful.
While I may still hurt that I was unable to give you the family you wished for, now
I will never regret you leaving because you were able to have Charlie and Mandy.
If only I had been lucky enough to be a part of them. That would have made me the
happiest man in the world. Mark is a lucky guy.
I don't know if I'll send this. I want to, very much, but at the end I always chicken out.
I hope you still know how much you mean to me, even if I don't send this.
You are everything, Ellie, always will be.
Alan'
She had seen the wishful looks in Alan's expression when he'd finally met her children. She thought she had been imagining it because surely Alan Grant didn't seem to be regretting his decisions. He had been the one that had wanted her to go out and live life instead of staying by his side. He hadn't wanted children. He hadn't wanted to get married. Then why did he look so… regretful? Instead of asking him, she had brushed it aside as part of her imagination and closed the door to her heart that kept wishing Mark was him.
Of course, now she understands. He had wanted to be the father of her children. He'd wanted to be her husband but Alan, being the gentleman that he was, hadn't wanted to tie her down to a life that wasn't what she had dreamt off. Thanks to him being so unselfish and letting her go, she had met Mark and had her two beautiful babies.
Now, more than ever, she wishes they were younger, that she was younger, so that they could have a chance at parenting together. She knew it was just a wish but she can't help but repeat it in her mind, over and over, hoping to somehow find a way to heal the wounds they both had in their souls.
She knows that as much as she loved Mark Degler and the life they had built before it all gone wrong, she would have jumped at the opportunity to form that family with Alan. Even when Alan had visited and she thought that she'd seen something in his eyes, if he'd told her to leave with him, she would have packed her kids up and left. It is a secret she's held for a very long time, a source of self-shame that will wash over her every time her mind brings it up, but that she can now admit to herself. Maybe one day she will be strong enough to tell Alan.
She reaches for the next letter, eager to know how he'd been after Isla Sorna. She has an idea of what she will find from her own experience after having come back from the park, but she also knows there's a whole new set of things that she's not aware of. After all, that's when she had been forced to pull away from him after being confronted by Mark who had been jealous of her desperation to save Alan. She had tried to reassure her now ex-husband that she was committed to their family, hiding away her most private thoughts, but he'd been unrelenting about it.
She'd tried to keep her calls to Alan on the down low but they had withered in number and duration as time went by until they completely lost contact with one another. She regretted ever listening to Mark.
'Dear Ellie,
The nightmares are back in full force. They haven't been this bad
since Hammond and his damn park. I really wish you were here, El. At least
I'd have someone to talk to.
I hope you aren't getting the nightmares too. Remember when we
first came back how neither of us could sleep for a week straight? You said it
was because we were so high strung and focused on survival. When we finally
did fall asleep in that old cot at my RV, it took a bunch of students tapping on
the windows to wake us up. I think they thought we were dead. I wish I could
go back to those days, at least then I'd have someone to share this with.
The funny thing is that the nightmares I'm having have nothing to do
with what happened at Isla Sorna. Those would be easy to deal with, I think.
While flying over I had a particularly vivid one of a talking Raptor, I know, I know,
but even that would be easier to stomach than what I'm seeing. It's you El, I'm
seeing you. You are being chased by Raptors, crying out to me to run as you
hobble, trying to keep up. I try to get to you, I run as fast as I damn can, but no
matter how much I run I don't reach you in time and you get jumped by them.
The screams Ellie, YOUR screams, are too much to bear. And then there's the
crying, but it's not from you, no. It's coming from Charlie and Mandy. They are
crying for their mother over the sound of the raptors. I always try to reach them,
to protect them, but I wake up before I can. I can never fall asleep after.
So I've been digging, and cleaning. Yes, you read that right, cleaning.
I don't know what has my students more flabbergasted, the fact that my tent is now
spotless or the fact that they hear me digging at all hours of the morning. They've
tried asking what's wrong and I know they come from a good place, but they could
never understand. How could they? They will probably never hear the sound those
Raptors make or feel the thudding of a T-Rex drawing near. They'll never smell them,
Ellie, or feel their breath on their skin. I envy them. To them, dinosaurs are nothing
more than a tv spot from San Diego or a fossil they are unearthing from millions of
years ago.
So I dig, and clean, and dig again. That's what we used to do, remember?
Dig until we were exhausted or lay in bed and hold each other as tight as we could
to remind ourselves we were still alive. I wish you were here so I could hug you, feel
your heartbeat, and hear your breathing. I wish Charlie and Mandy were here too, so
I could see they were alright, that I managed to protect them. Hell, at this point I'd
even welcome Mark to the dig site if it meant I could have you guys near. I've been
tempted to call you, but you have more things to worry about than this old fossil
calling you before sunrise.
It's almost four A.M. so I guess I'll go dig some more,
Alan.'
Ellie quickly puts down the letter and pushes the others of her lap as she gets up. Alan is on the other side of the tent, closing one of the boxes he must have just finished filling up when she reaches him. She doesn't give him the chance to speak and simply hugs him from behind. "You should have called me!"
"Wait, what?" He turns in her arms so that he's facing her, his blue eyes quickly searching for hers. "Ellie? What's wrong?"
"You old, stubborn, fossil." She mumbles. "You should have called me when you were having the nightmares. I wouldn't have cared if it was at night or in the morning. You should have called!"
He seems to quickly understand what she's going on about because his expression changes from being absolutely confused to completely relaxed. "Ellie, you were a mom of a teething little girl and a precocious toddler, you needed your sleep. You definitively didn't need me calling you every night."
"Every night?" Her eyes fill with tears at the thought of Alan suffering through nightly nightmares. "Alan…"
Alan leans forward and gently places a kiss on her forehead. He always used to do that back when they were younger and she was worrying about something that neither of them could change. It's a way to ground her, to remind her of the present and pull her out of whatever her mind is making her think. It still works.
"I'm fine, Ellie." He promises. "I promise. The nightmares eventually calmed down."
"I still should have been there for you." She knows not many could understand what those nightmares brought. Mark had been unable to understand her panic and had eventually decided to have his own bedroom. She hadn't blamed him, not when she woke up thrashing and screaming loud enough to wake up the whole neighborhood. Ellie had also laid awake afterwards, wondering if calling Alan would be completely uncalled for. "I wanted to be there for you."
"You were." He promises. "Your memory was. I would talk to you while I dug. If I found a fossil I'd tell you all about it and plan out the new dig area. You would always remind me to drink water, to use sunscreen when the sun came up, to not leave the tools in direct sunlight or I'd get burnt."
She can't help but chuckle at his words. Alan has an expression of cautious optimism and she can't help but wonder if she thought that he is crazy for admitting all of it. "Well, I'm here now. I'm not going anywhere." She promises. Taking hold of the lapels of his shirt, she tugs at them slightly to pull him in for a soft kiss. "Anytime you have a nightmare, you wake me up. Promise me."
"Only if you promise to do the same thing, El." He turns it on her. Ellie immediately nods and Alan seals their promise with a kiss of his own.
"Enough reading for now, show me around your site." She needs to clear her head before she goes back to the abandoned letters, to continue reminding herself that they were together now and not stuck at the time the letters were written.
Alan's hand slips into her own, giving it a squeeze, before she intertwines their fingers. "It's not my site anymore, Ellie."
She shakes her head at him. He might not be heading it on site anymore, exchanging it for a second chance of life with her and trusting one of his right hands to take on the daily activities, but it's still very much his dominion.
"Keep telling yourself that, Alan. You can take Alan Grant out of Montana, but you can't take Montana out of Alan Grant."
TBC