Title: Twenty-Seven Years
Rating: T
Alan Grant, Ellie Sattler, Ian Malcom, Billy Brennan, Tim, Lexie and any other recognizable character, part of script or plot of Jurassic Park belongs to Universal Pictures Amblin Entertainment.
In no way is the author claiming ownership of any of the characters nor is there any economical/monetary gain at any time. The author is extremely respectful of the original creators and is willing to take down this work of fiction if requested.
No copyright infringement intended.
Original characters are property of the author.
Some events have been changed of order in order to better fit the story. This follows events after JWD.
Twenty-Seven Years
Chapter 2
By the time they'd come back from touring the dig site, packing up was in the foremost of their mind and so the letters were carefully packed up by Ellie along with the many years of paleontological memories. They were finally done by the time the sun had started to set. After a round of goodbyes and a moment of silence where Alan had looked at the site as only a proud paleontologist could, he had turned towards her, taken her hand and they'd both walked towards her van and towards a new future.
After a marathon drive through three states, they'd finally arrived early the next morning to her home. Their home. They didn't bother taking anything out of the back of the van, after all nothing would perish, and had dragged their tired bodies up to their bedroom. She'd fallen into bed after shedding her clothes and he'd joined her a few seconds later. Neither of them had woken up until the alarm she'd thankfully set before falling asleep woke them up. After that, it was catch a flight, look presentable and not exhausted, and present yourself in front of congress to try and be a voice for both Earth and the dinosaurs that had, at times, tried to kill them.
In fact, the letters that Ellie had so carefully wrapped up in plastic for the ride home, had laid in the drawer of her bedside table for a whole week after coming back from Congress before she got a chance to comb thru them.
She woke up from deep sleep with a startled jump. What had waken her this time isn't a nightmare but that random feeling of falling that happens once every blue moon. She settles her heart rate and turns to look over her shoulder as carefully as she can. Alan is still sleeping, thank God, his face relaxed and somewhat hidden against her hair. She can feel the weight of his arm around her and the warmth of his body against hers. She smiles in the darkness, content to be waking up with him even if it was so sudden.
Ellie closes her eyes again, burrowing slightly against her pillow, hoping to catch the tale end of sleep which will pull her under once more. She takes a couple of breaths, letting her body relax once more in the safety of her lover's arms. She can hear the sound of his breathing so she focuses on that but try as she might, her mind is now awake and refusing to go back to sleep.
She gives a tiny grunt, slowly rolls over to face Alan and tries again. He shifts in bed, still asleep, but pulls her a little bit closer unconsciously. "Hmmm." She hums contently and closes her eyes again. Once more, sleep eludes her.
Not wanting to wake him, she remains unmoving, simply breathing, her eyes getting accustomed to the darkness around her. She can see Alan's face a little clearer now so she smiles once again. She wants to trace her fingers over his beard, to feel the softness of it, to draw her fingers down the plane of his nose, but she stops herself as to now wake him.
"Go back to sleep." Alan mumbles in the dark and pulls her a little bit closer.
She rolls her eyes in the dark before raising a hand to press against his chin, her fingers playing with his facial hair. "I tried. I can't."
She can see his blue eyes open in the dark. He blinks sleepily as he too tries to get used to the darkness around them. "Was it a nightmare?" She can hear the concern in his voice as much as she can see it in his clear irises, not even the night able to hide it.
Leaning forward she presses the tip of her nose against his cheek. "No, no nightmares tonight." She promises. The last thing she wants is for him to start worrying at this ungodly hour. "Just my brain refusing to shut down."
"I like your brain." He replies sleepily again, his mind relaxing now that he knows she's not suffering from a PTSD episode. "In the day, when we aren't supposed to be sleeping."
She snorts. It sounds completely unlady like but she truly doesn't care. "Go back so sleep, honey." She whispers to him, her hand gravitating from his beard to his hair. She knows that a caress there has always made him sleepy and is counting on it to help ease him back into morpheus arms. It's not his fault her mind can't shut up about the experience of testifying in front of congress or about how close they'd been to devastation.
Alan is silent for a couple of seconds before his eyes open again. She knows he's forcing himself to remain awake for her benefit. "Not while you are up."
Stubborn. Stubborn man.
God, she loves him so much.
"I know what you are doing." He whispers before pulling her hand out of his hair and bringing it to his lips for a gentle kiss on her knuckles. "It won't work."
"There's no use in both of us being awake."
"There's no use in any of us being awake." He choruses. She hears him take a deep breath before she sees him rub at his eyes.
"I know, but my brain won't turn off." She half whispers half whines. "I'm tempted to just get up and-"
"Please don't say clean." He playfully whimpers and manages to get out a soft giggle from her.
"Read. I was going to say read."
"Oh." His eyes slip close again. He continues fighting sleep simply because he is stubborn and not because he has to be awake. "The light won't bother me."
She had been thinking of going out to her study so that she can let him sleep, but she knows he'll eventually force himself out of bed before he needs to be up just to check on her. "Are you sure?"
"Fallen asleep far too many times with the lamp on, a little light won't matter."
With Alan's urging, Ellie slowly moves on the bed to face her side table and reaches to turn on the lamp. She can't help the little wince she makes as the light accosts her eyes. "Damn." She whispers but eventually her eyes get used to the light again. She reaches for glasses and the book besides her table then pushes herself into a sitting position, the blankets laid on her legs and bunched around her waist. Fine, if she can't sleep then she will read.
It hasn't even been a minute after she's cracked her book open that Alan finds his way towards her. He wraps an arm around her legs, his head finds purchase on her lap where he rubs his face against the sheets. "Comfy?" She teases him and receives an agreeing grunt in return. Deciding to make the best of it, Ellie threads her fingers through his grayish hair before turning back to her book which she has prompted up with the other hand.
It's an exercise in futility.
Turning the page as best as she can with only one hand, Ellie continues to try and focus on the printed words but her mind keeps distracting her. It's only when she's read the same passage about deforestation more times that she dares admit that she puts down the book on her bedside table and sighs in defeat.
She dares not move because she will wake Alan and then her stubborn lover will lay awake with her again. Bitting her lip, Ellie focuses on continuing threading her finger through Alan's soft hair while her eyes dance around their partly lit room. It is only then that she remembers the letters that are tucked away. Instantly her thoughts move from the pending doom of the world and her studies and laser focus on her other favorite subject; Alan.
With all the carefulness she hadn't exerted since her days of removing bones from the ground, Ellie reaches for the knob of the drawer. She has to be careful to not make a sound or to lean too much but she manages to do it. With the letters now in her hands, she takes the plastic off, and separates the ones she'd already read. She thinks about reading them again but remembers that some of them made her bawl and decides against it.
After making sure Alan's breathing is deep, signaling that he's still sleeping, she pulls her hand away from his head and pops open the envelope that is simply addressed to 'El'.
'El,
It's been a while since I have received any calls from you and I've been too much
of a chicken to call. I know I should, we did promise to not let distance get in the
way of our friendship, but I guess I've gotten used to you being the one to take
the initiative and now that you are not… well, I don't know what to do.
Did I say something wrong the last time we saw each other at the hospital? Or on
our last call? I've been trying to remember as much as I can but I can't draw anything
up that would have offended you. I know you are hard to offend, much less anger,
but I still must have done something for you to pull away so completely.
I miss you El, but that's not new. Maybe you are just too busy. Charlie must be
what now? Five? And Amanda should be around two or almost three f I'm counting correctly.
I don't think their birthday invitations made it to the dig-site. They must have gotten
lost somewhere in the mail.
Things have been quiet at the dig, unless you count the random nightmare
fueled screams from yours truly. I think my team is used to it by now.
We found what seems to be a semi complete skeleton of a Triceratops and I couldn't
help but remember the expressions on your face when you were facing that sick Dino.
You were so happy, so ecstatic of being so close to a full grown dinosaur that you were
crying. I don't even know if you realized it. I've started calling her Ellen in your honor.
Hey, if you never let me call you Ellen at least I can use it for our favorite! I'll try to
remember to get one of the students to take a picture of it so that you can see her.
She's beautiful Ellie. Though not as beautiful as you.
What did I do wrong? Why have you not called? Why can't I pick up the phone
to ask you? Why did I make you go?
I hope everything is well with you back home,
Alan.'
Gently putting the letter down, Ellie turns to look at her sleeping fiancé. The corner of his lip is curled upward which gives her some peace that at least at the moment Alan is happy. She could feel the sadness in every written word and it tears at her soul.
"So much suffering," she whispers to herself. Alan lets out a louder exhalation but doesn't wake up. Instead he tilts his head but just a little more so that she can see his face better. "Oh Alan, I'm so sorry, honey."
She should have never allowed herself to be pulled away from him. Not by his misguided attempts to honor her dreams or by her ex-husband. She belonged by his side, teasing him until he couldn't help but laugh, discovering what the world had to offer with his hand in hers. Instead she had forced herself to remain in what by then was becoming a loveless marriage. She should have been stronger, as strong as people thought her to be.
She had failed Alan, she had failed her children and herself. She had even failed Mark by not being who he wanted her to be, by not loving him as he probably deserved. He'd been a good man, a kind lover, a great father before things had turned sour. He hadn't deserved it as much as they hadn't.
"Stupid, stupid Ellie." She mumbles as she folds up the letter and puts it back on the envelope.
"Not… stupid." She freezes as she hears Alan's voice halfway through unfolding the next piece of paper. A quick look tells her he's sleep talking. It makes her heart fill with a wave of love. Even in his sleep, Alan is trying to reassure her.
She finishes opening the letter and holds it with one hand while the other goes back to Alan. She doesn't really move her fingers but she needs to touch him, to feel the realness of him under her hand. He will be her touchstone even through sleep.
'Ellie,
I hope this is the letter I finally send. There's already a bunch of them that I'm
keeping in the cabinet. Yes, it's still broken. Yes, I promise I will eventually fix
it but for now at least it works and keeps them safe for you.
I don't know how things are going in Washington at the Degler house but I can
only hope that everything is alright. Bad news travels fast, or so they say. If something
had happened to you, Charlie or Amanda, I would have heard of it by now. At least that's
what I want to believe, but that doesn't stop me from worrying like crazy. Are you alright?
Are you sleeping well? Have you been having nightmares or have they finally gone away?
Is Charlie still obsessed with dinosaurs? Has Amanda picked up on them or is she not the
tomboy her mother is… was..?
I should probably stop writing this. They are never going to reach you because I'm not
brave enough to send them. Every ounce of my bravery is probably festering in those
islands by now. I don't even know why I write them. Maybe putting my thoughts on paper
help me deal with your absence. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder but I don't
think they are right. My heart is empty, that's what it is and your heart, wherever it is, has
forgotten me.
Alan'
Judging by years he's calculated for her children, this letter had been written in the middle of her divorce.
She wishes she could say that's why she hadn't reached out, but it was shame that fueled her distance; shame that he would find out of her divorce, shame that he would realize that she hadn't been able to do what she wanted the most which was to have a family, and that he would see or find out how hard she'd had it as a single mother. She'd thought perhaps he would sigh in relief that he wasn't involved in the mess that her life had become if he ever found out.
She knew better, but her mind was a fickle bitch who had loved to torment her of her inequalities. The fear he would think less of her had mixed in with the shame and she'd forced herself to stay away, to not call, to keep him as safe as possible.
Divorcing Mark hadn't been easy. Separating a life that had been woven together had been traumatic even when the love had long been gone. The fights they'd gotten into were not something she was proud of, specially when their iciness remained in front of the children.
She'd wanted to protect Charlie and Mandy as much as she could but she knew they'd been aware that something was wrong. How could they not when their parents got into screaming matches behind closed doors that seemed to be paper thin?
They'd been civil to each other the months after the Isla Sorna incident. Mark had gone to sleeping in his own bedroom after yet another failed attempt to understand why she woke up screaming in the middle of the night. The night things completely broke was the night she woke up crying for Alan. She'd been inconsolable, terrified, searching for the lost lover she'd left behind. Her mind, which had been ladened by the sound of the raptor's call, had only one thing in her mind, find Alan and flee.
It had taken Mark shaking her for her to realize that she was in the safety of her home but by then her nightmare had broken far more than her spirit. Before that Mark had suspected she was in love with Alan, after that he made no attempt to hide his anger and jealousy. He accused her of sleeping her way up to her doctorate, to cheating, to being a cold hearted bitch. He'd even gone as far as to ask if Charlie was his, even though they both knew that he was. By the time he'd been done she'd been left a mess in her bed, crying and terrified both of her nightmare and of the man that had stood in front of her, a man she didn't know.
She wasn't a victim either, she gave as good as she got in the next months of marital nightmare, specially when she found out that he'd been the one to actually cheat. That's when she'd finally filed for divorce despite his threats of taking the children, the house, and every single thing she owed. He should have known she would not back down, that she wouldn't be afraid to face him in court and demand for her children to stay with her and for him to pay what he legally had to pay to keep her children above water.
In the end she'd won the house and alimony but most importantly Charlie and Mandy had stayed with her.
Yes, back then it had been better for her to stay as far away from Alan Grant as she could. He didn't deserve to be pulled into what Mark would have surely turned into an all out war if he found out she'd been in contact with him. Mark was powerful, his job had given him a lot of contacts throughout the years. She had no doubt that he would have used them to make Alan miserable.
A movement pulls her away from her musings as Alan mumbles in his sleep and raises his hand up to her waist. His fingers lay sprawled against the cotton of her nightgown, partly tangled with the sheets. He mumbles again, this time a little louder, her name somewhat muddled but clear enough for her to hear. A wrinkle appears in between his eyebrows as his jaw tightens. The next sound that comes from him is a tangled whimper before his hand pulls at her hip possessively.
She knows all the signs and has to act quickly before it goes into a full fledged nightmare. Putting the letter aside as well as her feelings of shame, Ellie quickly starts humming softly. It's an old lullaby that he'd sometimes used when she'd been attacked by nightmares and which she had used all throughout her kid's childhood. Her hands do not remain idle, one of them starts the caress of his hair while the other smooths up and down his arm. Over and over.
It takes him a little while but eventually Alan fully calms down. Whatever had been plaguing his dreams seems to have receded and his vice hold on her relaxes until it's only his hand laying on her hip, as gentle as a lover's caress. He's alright, in dreams and in reality, but it still breaks her heart to see that he's still affected by the three times he'd been exposed to carnivore attacks.
"It's alright, honey." Ellie whispers even though he's remained calm. "You are safe, I won't let you get hurt."
It's a promise she fully intends to keep even if he tells her he doesn't need protecting. She knows she will say the same when it's her turn and knows that even as she does, the relief she feels at the thought that someone loves her enough to watch over her will be all consuming and calming. Against dinosaurs or men, she will protect him.
She only opens the next envelope when she knows that Alan's nightmare will not return. Out of it comes a Polaroid and a small note. After making sure that nothing is left tucked away in the envelope, Ellie turns the polaroid around and tilts it so that she can see the image with the light of her lamp.
It's Alan, Alan and the fully extracted Triceratops skeleton. From what she can see Ellen is being displayed somewhere but she doesn't recognized the museum. Her eyes try to catch every little detail that she can from the yellowing picture but eventually settle on Alan's face. His expression is… contrived for the lack of a better word. She can see that he's smiling, somewhat posing in front of the camera, but the smile seems forced, his body has rigid as the bones behind him. His eyes look empty, void of the spark that she had seen for so long. She can also see he's lost some weight because his cheeks are sullen, bags under his eyes.
Her chin trembles at the image before her but she quickly takes a deep breath to settle her emotions.
Instead she focuses on the little card with his handwriting. She can see that he'd written over it, the material showing the indentations were his pen had marked the card above. She smooths her fingers over it, frowning when she can't make out anything that he had deemed unacceptable for her to read. With nothing else to go on, she starts reading.
'El,
Just as I promised, here is a picture of Ellen, the Triceratops. She's missing
the left hind leg and bottom half of her tail, but she's majestic, don't you think?
Do you see the striations on the beak? She must have seen some fighting in her
time. She was a fighter Ellie, just like you.
Alan.
There was very little information to draw on him, other than the picture. What she saw didn't calm her soul. He was a broken man. A shell of the great legend that was doctor Alan Grant. What had happened?
Had he grown depressed? Had he been struggling to sleep more than he'd let on in his letters? He hadn't been that bad when she first saw him a month ago, which she's thankful for, so whatever had been ailing him was obviously over. Had it been something medical? She wasn't egotistical enough to think that it had been over their separation. No, it couldn't have, could it?
Deciding that she can't wait another second to find out, she reaches for the next letter. Ellie hopes she'll find some type of answer in it, a reason as to why he looked so broken, instead she finds something completely unexpected.
'Ellie,
I promised myself this was not going to be another of those sob letters.
I'll try to keep it short but if I start droning on please forgive me.
It's been almost four years since we've spoken. I think that's the longest
we've been incommunicado since we met. I tried to deny it to myself, to think
that you were busy or too happy to remember an old friend, but it's obvious now
that you have truly moved on, there's no reason why I should keep holding on to
what will never be.
I met a woman. Her name is Bea. Beatrice. She's a waitress in one of the
restaurants in town. She's nice, someone who listens. She's kind too. She's everything
a man could ever want, and yet, I find myself constantly comparing her to you. The
way she laughs, or how she talks, even how she dresses. It's not fair to her, or to you.
I don't know if this will ever turn into anything. Probably not. I have realized though,
that by doing so I'm only tying you down to me, forcing a part of you to remain in the
desert, keeping you sequestered to a live you didn't want to keep living.
I release you, Ellie. Not because I want to but because I have to. I have to fully
let you be free. I will always love you, far more than I could ever love any woman,
including Bea if it ever comes to that. You are the love of my life, never doubt that, but
I have to let you go. For you. For me. I have to forget you before it kills me.
Please forgive me for having held on so long, for being the stubborn man you know
I can be. You are free, Ellie Degler.
Alan'
No.
No. No. No. It had all been her fault. She had been the reason why he looked so miserable in the picture, she's sure of it. If only she'd gotten over her own shame and insecurities she could have reached out to him, prevented him from feeling the way he felt. She'd been free of Mark by then, nothing but herself stopping her from going back to the man she loved.
A vice grip takes hold of her lungs, preventing her from taking a deep breath. She feels like she's drowning, like her lungs will never expand again. A hand quickly raises to her lips, to quiet down the sobs that are threatening to explode from within her. It's only then that she realizes that she's crying, her cheeks soaked with the salty liquid that will no doubt leave her skin raw. She can feel her whole body starting to shake and she focuses as best as she can in stopping it but it's too late.
"Ellie?" She hears Alan thoroughly confused voice from below.
She covers her face quickly, turning away from him so that he doesn't see the state that she is in. How could she possibly explain to him what she was feeling? What she'd just realized? She'd been the cause of his visible decline, or him losing the spark that had been there when she'd met him.
The bed dips as Alan kneels besides her. She can hear him asking if she's alright? If she fell asleep and had a nightmare? Her fingers dig into her skin as he tries to pull her hands away, but she continues to shield the all consuming shame that has taken over her. When he finally wraps his arms around her, Ellie turns and buries her face against his chest, her hands holding on to tuffs of his shirt.
She cries, long and hard. Her sobs are muffled by his chest and yet they still sound as loud as if they hadn't been. She can feel his strong arms around her, his thumb caressing the bit of skin on her arm that it touches. She wants to scream at him to stop being so nice to her, to leave before she hurts him again, but she keeps holding on desperately, unable to truly let go.
"Ellie, you are safe." She hears him whisper against her hair. "It's alright, baby. I've got you. I'm not letting go until you are ready."
"Don't." She's not sure if she's finally telling him to stop or if she's begging him not to let go again.
The letter has destroyed her, not because she finally knows that he had dated while they'd been apart, but because it had made her realize how thoroughly unfair the whole situation had been to him. She can't help but think of how horrible she had been by pulling away, abandoning him after promising to never lose touch without as much as a goodbye.
On top of that was the grief of finding out that he'd given up. He had been so thoroughly broken that he'd decided to give up, to forget her, to let go of the dream of a family he'd so lovingly crafted for them. The loss of their dream family devastated her as much as the pain of what she'd done to him.
"Breathe slowly, Ellie." Alan pleaded as he continue trying to calm her down. "Sweetheart, please."
She buries her face into his neck, forcing herself to breathe like he wants her to, fighting against the knot in her throat that threatens to block her airways again. "That's it, that's my girl."
Alan's continued caress and soft reassurances eventually calm her down. She remains nestled against him a little longer, her hold on his shirt slowly releasing. Her fingers hurt from the vice grip she'd maintained even as she flexes them to get blood running through them again. Without moving away from her, Alan covers her hand with his and starts to gently massage her long fingers.
She sniffles, her nose partially clogged from her tears and snot. She knows that she looks dreadful because she has seen her tear stained reflection before. Her nose will be bright red, her eyes swollen and irritated, the blue shockingly bright. Her skin will be puffy and irritated from the salt of her tears. Alan will probably tell her she's never looked more beautiful.
"Do you feel better?" His voice is soft, hesitant to say something that will get her going again.
She nods and sniffles again but remains silent, her throat raw from her crying.
"Talk to me, Ellie." He begs.
Before she can say a word she catches him reaching for the discarded, and now rumpled letter. He raises it up to his eye level before sighing loudly and letting it drop on his lap. "Oh Ellie."
She knows right away that he's gotten the wrong idea but she still can't seem to find the strength to speak. "Ellie, she meant absolutely nothing to me. Beatrice, she… it never went above a friendship."
Ellie immediately shakes her head, pulling away from him. She catches a glimpse of his panicked face as she rubs her hands over her face and makes a note to reassure him that her tears had nothing to do with Beatrice.
When she pulls her hands back, her shoulders slump, and she leans against the backboard of their bed. "It's not that." She finally admits before sniffling once more. Her hand instantly raises to rub at her nose but she stops herself before she can make it worse. "I… I don't know… how to explain it."
She sees him nod out of the corner of her eye before he covers her hand with his again. Silence settles between them, heavy and with a hint of confusion. She doesn't want it to carry on too long, but she needs to put an order to her thoughts before she can even speak.
"I…" She starts but pauses, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath to try and center herself. "I was so selfish, Alan. I abandoned you not once but twice. I made you think you'd done something wrong, hurt me in some way. You gave up because I broke the trust between us and I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive myself for it."
Alan stares at her. He's confused, she can see it in the storm that is starting to grow in his eyes. Of course, he doesn't have all the information like she does so to him this was coming out of nowhere. "What?" He finally asks.
Her chin wobbles again as she once more feels the tears come. She fights against them though, brushing away angrily at the the one tear that falls down.
"I left you, Alan."
"Because I made you leave, remember?" His eyes search for hers but she can't look at him, not if she's going to tell him the truth. "Ellie, that wasn't your fault."
"No, not that time." She fidgets with the end of the blanket and sniffles again. This time she grows exasperated at herself, rubbing her nose with the back of her arm before pushing her head back, her vision trying to focus on the blurry ceiling. "The second time. I told you that I'd always be there for you, that you could call me at any moment, that I wouldn't let us go long without talking long, but I broke that promise. I left you and never came back."
"Ellie." His hands move away from hers to gently cup her neck. He coaxes her to turn to look at him and her traitorous chin wobbles again. "You were a mother, you had a family to look after. I understood that."
"Except I didn't." She whimpers as more tears slip. This time it's Alan who brushes the tears away. "Alan I didn't have a family to look after because by then I was getting divorced. I had to move back with my parents while I got back on my feet. I wanted to come back to you, so much, but I didn't. I didn't even explain things to you. I… I just… abandoned you."
Alan pulls her against him without saying a word. His arm instantly drapes around her shoulders, her head naturally finding its place against his shoulder. "Ellie, listen to me, please. It wasn't your fault. I don't think it is, I never did. I pushed you away, I made you leave and then I never called. I always waited for you to reach out. I wrote all this letters and never sent them. If you are going to lay blame on someone then lay it on me."
She shakes her head but he quickly counters her. "I was the one that gave up."
"Because I left yo-."
"Ellie Sattler," He interrupts. "and you dare call me stubborn!"
Despite the tears and the guilt, Ellie can't help but chuckle. She has called him stubborn many times, it's nothing new, but it is the first time he's labeled her as such. At least out loud. He's right, she's just as stubborn as he is. Not that she will actually tell him that.
Alan presses a kiss to the top of her head before squeezing her arm softly. "What if we leave it half and half." He offers. "We were both guilty and leave it at that."
"That doesn't erase the pain you went thru, Alan. Nothing will. I could have ended it, I could have called you or taken the kids to the dig site like I had thought of, but I didn't."
"And I could have sent the letters." He counteracts again. "Ellie, there are many what ifs. We could spend all night going over them if you like, unearthing them just like we unearth fossils, but nothing we do, nothing we say, will erase the past. "
She knows he's right. The past is in the past. They can study it to death, they can dissect it, put it under a microscope and display all their mistakes for the world to see, but nothing will change it. "You are right."
"What did you say? That I was right?" Alan teases. He squeezes her shoulder again before she digs one of her fingers to his side. "I'm writing that on my calendar."
"Shut up, you old fossil." She chuckles then moves to rub her face again. "Augh… I must look a sight."
Just as she predicted and without missing a single beat, Alan leans in and presses a kiss to her lips before whispering against them. "You are the most beautiful person in the whole world, Ellie."
"You are full of it, Dr. Grant." She pushes away from him and from the bed. Stumbling towards the bathroom she quickly makes work of fixing herself up. She knows the red of her nose will eventually go away, as will the puffiness of her lips and eyes. With a quick wash and replication of her night serum to try and counterbalance the salt of her tears, Ellie then brushes through her bed hair and looks at herself in the bathroom mirror. She looks as exhausted as she feels.
"I shouldn't have let you read these letters." She hears Alan's voice coming from their bedroom but its not until she hears the shuffling of papers that she puts down her brush and rushes out.
"What are you doing?" She hurriedly asks as she too reaches for her precious letters. "No, no, those are mine, mister."
"Ellie, they are making you cry!" He complains, pulling the letters away from her grasp. "I don't like it when you cry. I told you so in one of them."
"I still want to read them." She's not above pouting, something that a woman her age should definitively not be doing but also something she knows Alan can't fight against.
"Don't do that," he starts begging as soon as she pushes her bottom lip out. "Ellie, that's not playing fair."
"Give me my letters and I will stop it." She crosses her arms under her breast and continues to pout at him.
Alan stares at her, his gaze zeroed in on her lips. She pushes out her lip even more before he sighs in defeat and offers the letters back to her. "Fine, but if I see one more tear I will take them and close my eyes and hide them somewhere for twenty-seven more years."
Ellie immediately stops pouting and takes her letters, pulling them against her belly while she moves to sit back on the bed. Before he can stop her she's once again separating the letters between read and unread, then opening the next letter in the pile.
"Before you start reading it, I just want to say I did try."
She frowns, unfolding the letter without turning to look at it. "You are worrying me, honey."
"You know… the whole moving on and releasing you." He explains. "I tried. Wasn't very successful."
"Is this…" She turns to look at the letter before continuing. "Is there going to be a mention of Bea in here?"
"Bea?" He seems confused for a second before remembering who she was talking about. "No. I don't think so. Wait… are you jealous?"
Ellie bites her lip before shaking her head. She can feel her cheeks flaming but she ignores them. "No, I am not." Now that her heart has gone through the initial moment of grief, she does feel a lick of jealousy but not for the reason's he's thinking. "I have no right to be jealous. You were single, you thought I was still married and over us. I never expected you not to date, Alan."
"Then why are you blushing?"
Darn pale skin, always giving her away. It gave her away her feelings when they had barely started dating and her heart felt like it would beat out of her chest anytime he was near and it was now throwing her jealousy at his feet. "Fine, maybe a little bit but only because she was free to be with you and because she obviously made you… I don't know, happy. I just wish it had been me." She shrugs a little.
His hand presses to her thigh and she turns to him instinctively. "No one has ever made me as happy as you've made me Ellie Sattler. Not Beatrice. Not Ellen the Triceratops. Not anyone. That I can guarantee you."
"But… why did you warn me then?"
"Because I may not be as romantic as I wish I could be, but you are gonna see just how much I love you in these letters."
That peeks her interest right away. She gives him a little smile and turns to kiss him. For a moment she forgets the letters, forgets Beatrice, forgets the polaroid and forgets everything but him. She presses herself against him, kissing him deeply, just like she'd kissed him a month ago when he'd promised to follow her to the end of the world if needed. When she pulls away she only does so in order to lean in again, her lips finding his in a series of small kisses that leaves both of them breathless.
"Okay, maybe I'm not so against you reading them, not if it means I get more kisses like those."
She giggles against his lips before turning once more to the letter. Alan moves around the bed, shifting until he finds a comfortable position leaning against the headboard, then settles to watch her read.
His gaze only makes her blush further but she forces herself to focus on his handwriting.
'My Ellie,
Here I am again, writing to you a letter that will never get mailed, that you
will never read. I tried, almost made it two years without writing one before I gave
up. There's no point to lying to myself, letting you go was far harder than I thought
it would be. I failed, you've been with me every moment of those two long years;
the voice in my head telling me to be patient, the presence at my side as I brush
away dirt, the hand on my knee always calming me with your presence.
I am a selfish old man, I can admit to that. I need your presence as I need air
to breathe. Please don't hate me for it. You've been with me so long that I simply don't
know how to properly function without you. A piece of me is missing. Actually no it isn't
missing, its just two states away, safe in her home, with her two kids and wonderful
husband. As it should be.
Sometimes I wonder if you feel my presence like I feel yours but you are probably
too busy to do so. How is Charlie and Amanda? They must be so big by now. And Mark?
Alright, I actually don't want to hear about him but its rude not to ask. Take it for what it is.
I have to go now. I can hear someone calling me. We've been finding pieces of bones
that look like they've been munched on sometime in the last couple of million years. Maybe
we will get lucky and find the culprit nearby. Maybe that's what they are calling me for. I can
almost imagine leaving this tent and making my way through the desert towards the newest
hole. You'll be there, a bright smile on your lips and the light making your eyes the bluest I've
ever seen. You'll excitedly tell me what we've uncovered and then we'll lose ourselves for hours
in the middle of nowhere, digging, casting, and lifting them out. Just you and I, El.
Until we meet again,
Your Alan.'
"I told you." She hears him whisper near her ear. He leans his chin against her shoulder and she tips her head to the side so that it rests against his. "I definitively sound like a desperate, crazy old man."
Ellie puts down the letter and reaches for his hand. Their fingers intertwine immediately and she can't help but focus on the contrast of their hands; her pale to his sun kissed skin. Now that he's going to be away from the dig sites and the sun, she wonders if it will lighten or if it will stay with that honey glow that she loves.
"You don't." She promises. "You sound like a man who is in love and who had to let go of the women he loved."
Alan quickly corrects her. "Loves."
"The woman he loves." She repeats, fixing her mistake. "You don't sound crazy, I promise."
She didn't reach right away for the next letter, enjoying the moment between them, the calm silence stretching and enveloping them. It's not until he raises their clasped hands up to his lips, his beard tickling her, that she puts the letter she'd just been reading aside and reaches for a new one. She can fold them and put them away neatly later.
"I think I went through something similar. At first I tried to ignore it, it was painful to feel you near and know that you weren't." It's hard to admit it but she knows she will eventually have to open up about everything that happened during their time apart but tonight is not the night. "After the divorce I felt defeated and I just…. Allowed myself to let you in, the ghost of you. I missed you so much that it was sometimes the only way not to get into the car and just drive towards you."
"I wish you would have."
"You would have panicked." She reminds him. Alan can shake his head all he wants but she knows him well. He would have been happy to see her, to welcome her children to the dig site in what he probably thought was just a visit, but the moment he found out that she wanted to stay, that she still loved him and that she now had two kids with her, he would have panicked. "You'd eventually come around, but you would have panicked."
He rubs his chin with his free hand and gives her a lopsided grin. "Yeah, I would have."
"When the whole locust thing landed in my lap, you were the only one I could think of to solve this because in my mind you were already working on it with me." Ellie admits. "But there is only so much a presence can do. I needed the real Alan Grant, my partner in crime."
"Thank you for going out to get me." He presses another kiss to her knuckles before letting go of her hand so that she can hold the next letter properly. "If you hadn't, I'd still be at the dig being miserable."
Ellie tilts her head, trying to understand why it is that he would have felt that way when all he'd ever loved to do was dig up fossils. She wanted to ask but something tells her that eventually one of the letters will tell her. "You are very welcome."
"Could have done with less live dinosaurs, though." He adds as an afterthought.
"I'll keep that in mind for the next time." She answers back in between giggles.
Just the fact that there will be a next adventure between them is enough to lift her spirits and give her the bump she needs to start reading the next letter. After all, whatever he wrote in them while important to their healing was truly part of a past that neither would try to ever revisit.
'Ellie,
Have you heard of this new park? I believe they are calling it Jurassic World.
It has me extremely worried. It seems humanity is destined to make the same mistakes
over and over and that nothing was learned of the disaster that was Jurassic Park.
No, instead of learning they want to go bigger and deadlier.
I've heard rumors that they are trying to make new species. NEW species, Ellie.
As if the ones we already know about weren't lethal enough, no they have to go and
make them worse. They think they can control them. Think they can market it. Ian was
right, you were right back at Jurassic Park. The illusion they think they have control
over will kill us all.
They've approached me about being a part of it. I'm sure they've approached you
too by now. I said no, Ellie, never again. Dinosaurs do not belong in this world, at least
not in this time. Please tell me you said no as well. Of course you said no, what am I saying?
I know I have no business asking this of you. I am no one to your children, not
anymore. Maybe I never was. Please, Ellie, please do not let them go. Do not let them set
a foot into that monstrosity. We both know something will go wrong. It's only a matter of
time before it does. God, how can people be so stupid, Ellie?
Alan.'
She knows that Alan is reading over her shoulder, his chin once again pressed comfortably against her elbow. He's close enough for her to hear the muttered curse under his breath which he aims at the park.
He'd been right, of course he had. Alan isn't one to rub it against anyone's face. He's a gentleman after all, but he certainly had a right to say it. "They did approach me." She admits to him. "Why they thought that I would ever say yes is besides me."
"Human stupidity." Alan concludes. "And a superiority complex."
She nods in agreement. It really all comes down to it. Humans think they are superior, the ultimate predator, but only because they hadn't ever faced a bigger one. She shudders at the memory of the Giganotosaurus being so close that she could feel his breath on her. She remembers clutching at Alan's arm, trying to somewhat shield him when in fact they could have both been eaten in a heartbeat.
"They wanted me to help design some of the habitats to try and avoid what had happened with the Triceratops." She remembers feeling the shock as she heard the man's voice detail the plans for Jurassic World. After the call had ended, Ellie had rushed to the nearest bathroom and emptied her stomach. She'd had to lay on the floor for hours, trying to calm her beating heart and rapidly panicking mind.
"THAT was one of the moments in parenting that I truly don't miss." She admits to him while folding the letter back the way it had been. "They wanted to go Alan. Both of them."
"They did?" She feels him stiffen beside her so she tilts her body slightly towards him, her hand sliding against his thigh. "Why?"
"It was new for them. Specially Charlie. He grew up loving those toys. I think he still has them somewhere, ready to pass them down to his kids." She knows he will no doubt blame himself for having gotten him interested in the first place so she quickly continues. "I had to sit them down and talk them out of it. They resisted. Amanda said I was being a spoilsport and Charlie insisted I was trying to ruin his life."
She shakes her head, rolling her eyes at the memory of her slightly dramatic teenagers. "I didn't want to tell them, about the park, but they'd grown up hearing me scream myself awake so they knew something bad had happened at some point. By the time I was done explaining… well they didn't want to go anymore."
She feels Alan let out a breath of relief. She can't help but chuckle even as he turns to look at her with a confused expression. "You are such a father, Alan." She elaborates. "Mark actually wanted to take them, can you believe that? But you… you were afraid for them, you wanted to protect them. Even now you're afraid of something that happened a long time ago. If that's not having a father gene then I don't know what is."
She expects him to grow sad, even if just a little, but he surprises her by cracking a smile and dipping his head off her shoulder to hide what appears to be a blush on his cheeks. "Are you blushing, Alan Grant?" She asks, her voice just as teasing as it has always been around him.
He shakes his head but only tilts his head high enough for him to look at her with those soulful blue eyes of his. "You are so cute." She continues.
She could easily take the moment to simply cuddle at his side, maybe even go back to sleep, but she wants to finish the letters and she still has a couple more left. With his blessing, Ellie continues to sort through them.
She easily reads the ones that focus more on his discoveries, like when he tells her they've found the partial remains of group of velociraptors that had died together and smiles as he rambles on about how smart they are, how they go far beyond just a hunting group but actually form a family. When she reaches the part where he mentions having found the small skeleton of a baby raptor, she can't help but remember the one they held in their hands, the first dinosaur they had ever seen born.
Back at that moment it had all seemed amazing, but even in the back of her mind a mental alarm had started to sound loudly. It hadn't been right then and it wasn't right now.
Judging by his next letter, Alan thinks the same way.
'El,
It happened. What I feared the most with that damn park happened. I can't
even say that I'm surprised because I'm not. I've been waiting for the news to be
announced since they said they were building it. Now people are dead. This is going
to be way worse than San Diego and that was a nightmare. There is no way Ingen
or whatever they call themselves now will be able to burry this.
The nightmares are back, Ellie. They've never really gone away but they've
become even more graphic. I've tried not to read what they've been up to in that
place but I think it's only fueled my brain to create its own monsters. The other day
one of my students unearthed the echo chamber of a raptor. He was being curious,
as a student should be, and blew on it. The sound was chilling Ellie. It took me right
back to the island. I'm not proud to say I lost my cool. I don't think the student is
coming back because I've scared him so much. I just… I couldn't focus on anything
else but the anger and fear.
You calmed me down, your presence did. I imagined you holding me in our cot,
this time it's a little bigger than the one we had at the RV, the tent is way bigger too.
I swear I could feel your arms around me, always caring, always loving and strong.
You kept whispering that I was alright, that I was home and safe and that you wouldn't
let anyone or anything hurt me. I don't know what I would have done if your presence
hadn't been there El.
I've been meaning to call you. It's been on my mind more and more but I always
back down. I just hope that you are far away from the park, far away from what will
nevitably happen. Keep our… your children safe, Ellie. Keep yourself safe.
Alan'
Ellie remembers hearing the news about the breakout, about the fall of the park. She remembers seeing the videos captured in high definition of the dinosaurs attacking, she remembers the screams of pain and panic s they echoed in her home while Charlie and Mandy watched the news. She remembers the blind panic it had thrown her into and how she'd ended once again curled into a ball in her bathroom floor. She'd been trembling, crying, her ears filled with echoes of sounds that were now more than ever extremely real. Charlie had eventually found her and both of her kids had laid down with her, holding her as she found her bearings.
Their world had shifted yet again but while she had her children besides her, supporting her return to her field, Alan had been alone at his dig site. It breaks her heart to think that he didn't get that except for what his own imagination could provide.
"I should have called you as soon as I heard about it." She laments. It's easy to say it now that it has passed but back then she had been nothing short of a mess between her PTSD coming back full force and her need to be an agent of change to hopefully fix things before they were unfixable. "I knew it was going to hit you hard but…"
"It hit you as well." He finishes for her. They'd always been able to finish each other sentences back when they'd been dating so it doesn't surprise her that he still can. "I wouldn't be surprised if even Ian went on a bend after that."
"He did." She assures him. "Then used whatever chaotic revelations he had to write another book."
Alan grunts and shakes his head. She knows that as much as he pretends to dislike Ian, Alan does consider him a friend, especially after he helped bring them back together in their attempt to get rid of Biosyn. His worry for him makes it obviously so even if Alan will deny it till his dying breath.
"How many more letters do you have?" He asks before turning towards the window were the light has begun to stream in. Morning is upon them and neither of them has slept a wink since her breakdown.
Ellie thumbs through the remaining envelops before announcing that she still has ten left.
Alan moves away from her as he stretches. They both know neither will go to sleep now and that she will either have to put the letters away or continue reading them while he occupies himself with the daily chores. "Do you mind if I keep reading?" She asks once he gets out of the bed.
Alan shakes his head. He looks exhausted from lack of sleep but at the same time almost as if he's lighter. Could it be that her reading his inner most thoughts was actually helping him? "I know better than to keep you away from your reading material."
"I've gotten better." She defends herself.
"Sure you have, El." He sends a wink to her on his way to the bathroom so she grabs his pillow and sends it flying his way. He manages to rush into the bathroom just in time to avoid it.
She had gotten better, at least she thought so. Back when she'd been a young paleobotanist, newly minted from her doctorate she had been an avid reader. She still was but at least now she knew that she needed to sleep and let her mind rest instead of going into marathon reading sessions. Once or twice Alan had tried to urge her away from her books only to find her back at them hours later, usually asleep with her cheeks stuck to their pages.
Turning to look at the letters stern around her, she rolls her eyes at herself and quickly gathers them up. Okay, maybe she wasn't any better but no one had died of reading so she was going to continue on her merry way.
She hears the shower turn on as soon as she opens the next letter in her unread pile. For a second she debates going to join him, but she quickly shuts it down. Instead she burrows into her bed and continues with her reading.
'Ellie,
I beg you. Please don't go anywhere near that volcano. I've caved and searched you online
and I know that you are now focused on conservation and climate change and…. Please Ellie,
please. It will be dangerous, even more so than when we were at the park. The dinosaurs,
they will be scared, agitated, and prone to attacks. This is new to them and they will defend
themselves in whatever way they can. Please.'
It's the first letter that Alan doesn't sign off. Knowing him, he was probably pacing up and down his tent, desperate to stop her and unable to reach her for reasons only he could understand. He must have forgotten to finish it or gotten a flashback. The letter had been haphazardly folded now that she thought about it. She'll have to ask him about it later.
She reaches for the next letter and continues reading. She's never seen Alan as desperate as she imagines he felt at the moment of writing them and she aches to connect with him some way.
'El,
It's taking everything in me to respect your wishes and stay out of your life.
I want to get on my car and drive all the way to Washington just to know that you
are safe, that you aren't anywhere near that volcano when it exploded. If I could
only see you, I don't even have to come near just…
No, I need to stay here. I need to keep away. You don't need a hysterical man
going to your front door and begging to see you. You don't need me to drag the past
back into your life. Get a grip, Alan.
She pauses her reading to take a deep breath. She can't break down again.
They've forgiven themselves for their lack of communication, agreed to carry equal
levels of guilt. She needs to get through this letter without breaking down, haul herself
up from her bootstraps if she needs to.
Somehow I knew it would get worse. I read that people were barely able to make it
out alive. That the devastation to the island is immense and that many dinosaurs were lost.
Did you see the footage? The dinosaur they were able to catch amidst the plume with the
phone camera? It was a brachiosaurus, Ellie. Probably one of the first live dinosaur we ever
saw. She's gone now.
If I'm honest, I don't know how to feel about it. It's not their fault they've been
genetically modified and brought into this world, a world they don't' belong in, but to die
that way? God, Ellie.
I just need to know that you are alright. That whatever changes this brings, you will be
safe. But I know you, you've never been one to stay behind, to let others do the dirty work.
Not you, El. You will be in the front lines, helping instead of fleeing. Be careful, Ellie Degler,
remember you aren't invincible.
Alan'
Oh how she wishes he had gotten into his car and gone to her. It would have certainly saved them a lot of heartache. He would have found out that not only was she alive and staying away from the volcano, but that she was also a divorcee who still missed him terribly. Who knows where they would be now. Perhaps already married and happy together, with her children calling him dad or a nickname that while embarrassing would show him that he had a place in their family.
Alan, however, behaved like the gentleman she knows he is and respected her apparent need for space without knowing that she had been yearning for him just as much as he'd wished for her.
There was no use in dwelling on the past, not when their future together was bright.
Reaching for the next letter, Ellie frowns as she finds the envelope is a little dusty and wrinkly, almost as if Alan had been carrying it around with him in his pocket before placing it in the cabinet. Perhaps it's a lengthy letter that he wrote over a period of time, in whatever small spaces of free time he had. That's why she's even more surprised to find that it's another short letter.
'El,
They made it out. I don't know how but some of the Dinos made it out! They
are saying there's a company ferrying them out but it's mostly all rumors. I don't know
if I want to believe any of them, especially the ones about its motives for doing so.
What matters is that some of them are making it out!
For the longest time I was uncertain about what I felt about their presence. We
both know that they shouldn't be here. They don't belong in this world. We've known
firsthand how they will defend themselves, how dangerous they truly are, and how, if they
are given the chance, will rule over men. Then the whole volcano disaster occurred and
I was torn. Despite everything I couldn't help but feel bad for them. Now I feel relief that
at least some of them survived. It's weird. They don't belong but they ARE here.
Maybe this is the way we become extinct.
Alan'
"Oh my sweet, sweet Alan." She whispers to herself.
Her fiancée is a caring man, despite the fact that he appears to have a cold exterior to anyone who didn't know him like she did. Of course he would feel torn about the dinosaurs. Paleontologist went into the field because of their love for the creatures and their thirst to learn all they can about them. Alan's experience, their experience, with dinosaurs had been different, terrifying and still had ramifications to this day, but beneath all of that was still the childhood love of the magnificent creatures. It would have actually worried her if he didn't feel bad for them or excited that some had survived.
Putting that letter aside, she reaches for the next envelope, smiling as she hears Alan humming loudly from the bathroom. It's the same melody that she had been humming while packing up his tent. It's the fact that he remembers it even a week later that tickles her.
It doesn't take her long to start humming along with him as she puts away the short letter and reaches for the next envelope.
This envelope isn't white like all the others, but a light weathered blue. It feels thicker, almost as if it was made for a card instead of just a letter even though it's nowhere near the size of one. She turns it over to find something embossed in it so naturally she has to raise it a little bit more so that she can see exactly what it says.
"Las Vegas Natural History Museum." She mumbles as she reads. What had Alan been doing in Vegas?
'Ellie,
I couldn't wait until I got back to the site before writing this. As soon as I heard the news I knew I had to share it with you. They are reproducing, Ellie! A female Nasutoceratops and her infant were spotted at Big Rock National Park. Yes, here in US Soil. Can you believe that?
I can't help but wonder if it was something like what we saw at Jurassic Park
or if she actually mated with another Nasu. I'm inclined to believe that she mated
if the reports are correct. Apparently another dinosaur, possibly identified as an
Allosaurus, attacked them and the pair defended the hatchling. Either way, the
ramifications are staggering.
They are finding a way Ellie, thriving even in this world. I used to think that
it was impossible for us to share the same space but now I feel that I was wrong.
Humans will have to evolve and adapt to a world where they no longer are at the top
of the predator chain because dinosaurs will hunt. They react on instinct learned from
a time where Homos Sapiens didn't exist, they require space and land. I fear that
humans will only see them as a commodity, hunt them until extinction yet again,
or worse… profit from them. After all, that's why they were conceived in the first place,
weren't they?
I guess now is really a bad time to be a paleontologist. Money to fund digs is
dwindling as the shift changes from learning about them through fossils to learning
by observing them. A case can be made about the argument that they aren't the
'original' dinosaurs, that we can still learn plenty from fossils, but who am I trying
to kid, Ellie? Soon I'll have to fund the digs with money from the public. Tourist
becoming paleontologist for a day. It feels cheap. It DOES cheapen our lifestyle.
I should have followed your footsteps and changed career paths. I'd probably
become a professor, or a guest lecturer. I hear some people build a good life with that
. By now we'd have our own home, our kids would be teenagers which I hear is one of
the most challenging times but we'd figure it out together, we'd probably have an aging
dog as well to go along with the macaw. How is the old bird? He probably still doesn't
remember me.
If only. If only.
Our world is changing, Ellie. Every day is a vastly different. Sometimes I feel
like I don't know if I can keep up, or if I want to keep up. Sometimes it feels like
extinction is inevitable. It only feels right when I let myself wonder what if…
Life did find a way, Ellie. I only wish I could have been a part of it.
Alan.'
She had heard about the hatchlings sighting when it happened and even back then she had feared exactly what Alan had written. Greed would always find a way to take advantage of something, anything that could be profitable. Hatchlings in particular soon became high commodities. Judging by the testimony that she'd heard before she too had testified for Congress, the black market was inundated with hatchlings. Hatchlings and carnivores with zero regard for the life of said animals.
"I should have gotten involved earlier." She decides. Sure, her new focus was climate change and the impact human decisions had on Earth, but she still felt the tug in her heart from the dinosaurs and knew the way they were being treated was unfair.
When she'd seen the triceratops hatchling at the quarantine island before it was shipped to its permanent home, her heart had exploded with tenderness and love for the creature. She'd been unable to not interact with it, something she knew had amused Alan endlessly, but it wasn't just because it was cute and cuddly. She respected its life, ached for the way it had been treated, and hoped that its new home would provide anything she needed to thrive in this new world. She'll have to investigate to see if it was ever taken to the permanent Biosyn sanctuary and if so, if she had survived the fires.
Now, not getting further involved seemed impossible. It was something she'd have to discuss with Alan. They were a team now, planning a future together. If she took a decision of such magnitude as to be more involved with the merging of the Jurassic world with that of the human world, then it would have to be done as a team. She'd talk to him about it during breakfast.
She reaches for the next letter and pulls out the paper within just as she hears the water cut off. Alan continues humming, this time it's a little louder without the rush of the water hitting the floor. He's always taken quick showers, something that came as a result of all his years at dig sites where they had to conserve as much water as they could, and this time it's no different. He'll no doubt come out, see her still reading, and tease her.
She's looking forward to it.
'Dear Ellie,
So much has happened since the last letter I wrote to you about
a year ago. I heard that Claire Dearing opened an association to try and
gather support for them. Do you know who she is? I've been told that she
was directly involved with Jurassic World from it very beginning and that
she was there when it fell. I don't know whether to believe it or not; who
could be a part of that aberration then turn around and become an advocate
for them? I'm not saying it's not possible, just not plausible. Either way, the
dinosaur population keeps increasing. Mark my words, Ellie, soon they will
be truly among us.
The site has finally turned in what neither of us wanted it to turn into;
tourist funded. It was the only way I could keep it from going under. The usual
sponsors aren't as interested in digging when they could be watching. I knew
it would happen, remember I told you? I just wasn't expecting it to be this quick.
It's happen though and I'm having to learn to be patient. Be proud of me El,
remember all those times you tried to get me to be exactly that? Your presence
in my head is still trying, encouraging me to be calm and collected and to explain
things properly instead of being closed off. I'm even doing it with kids, Ellie. Yes,
truly. I hope that if we ever meet again you'll be able to see it.
So now the dig is visited by tourist. Some of them are actually interested in
what I have to say, some of them spend all their time on their phones and barely
lift their heads up. When they do its only to do a quick glance before losing any
interest after they've taken a picture. Surprisingly, there are some that actively
want to help dig. I think I focus on those more. Maybe, just maybe, another
paleontologist will be born from their curiosity.
Who knows, El, maybe this last ditch attempt to keep digging is just that,
a desperate last attempt. Maybe I'm already extinct and I just haven't realized
it. Who knows?
I wish I'd gone with you all those years ago.
Alan'
"I knew I'd find you still reading." Alan's voice makes her look up from the letter.
He's somehow gone from the bathroom to the closet without her noticing. Had she really been that immersed in his letter?
"I don't know what you mean." Ellie feigns ignorance but she's already switching envelopes, a smirk on her lips which she finds reflected in Alan's.
He dresses as she reads the letter about his multiple encounters with tourists, glancing every once in a while over the edge of the paper to observe him as he goes. The times he manages to feel her eyes on him and turns to look her way, leave her with reddening cheeks as she pretends to once again be immersed in her reading.
She keeps the charade until he moves to the side of her bed, leaning over her and requesting a kiss. It's moments like this, of complete domesticity that fill her with bliss. Ellie tilts her head back and pushes her lips towards him to receive the kiss he offers. They take their time in kissing each other until her lungs scream for air and she pulls back. His lips start swelling from their kisses so she smooths her thumb over it. "Good morning." She whispers breathily.
Alan smirks before stealing another kiss. "Good morning. I'm going to head down to make breakfast. Anything you'd like?"
Ellie hums in the back of her throat as she considers his question. "Just some fruit and yogurt, please." She ends up requesting.
"Fruit and yogurt for the lady."
She gives a little nod and reaches for another envelope. She only has 5 more left including the one she's just taken. It saddens her a little that she's almost at the end of his writing. It's been an insight into his mind with confirmations of things she already knew and new discoveries about the enigma that is Alan Grant.
"I'll holler when it's ready," he says as he starts exiting the room.
"Oh and coffee!" Ellie calls out after him earning herself a belly laugh from Alan. He's very much aware of her need for coffee in the morning. Before, when they'd share his RV, he made it a point to have one ready for her every morning and refused to let anyone talk to her until she'd drank it. He knew it jump started her brain, especially after a marathon reading session that lasted well into the early morning.
"As if I'd forget." She hears him reply.
The thumping of his footsteps as he goes down the stairs follows and she can't help but count them to make sure he reaches the bottom safely. It thrills her beyond description that he's already comfortable in her space; whether it was deciding to take a shower or preparing breakfast for them. She'd worried they'd the merging of their lives a little awkward, which was to be expected, but Alan and she had done so seamlessly. It was natural for them. It felt absolutely right. They should have been doing it for far longer.
Pushing herself to change her focus back to the present, she pulls out the letter from the envelope.
'Ellie,
You will not believe what just happened! I don't believe it myself!
We were in the middle of unearthing a pair of raptors when out of nowhere
we started to feel the ground vibrating under us. At first I thought it was an earthquake
so I called it out, hoping to protect what we'd already unearthed, but then… Oh Ellie,
a group of Ammosaurus appeared. I wasn't even aware that they'd manage to clone
them much less that they were making it back to the desert!
They look so much like an Anchisaurus, El. Seeing them switch from walking
bipedal to quadrupedal was incredible. The one that did it did so with such grace that
had I not been staring directly at it I would have thought it seldom walked on four legs.
I think I was frozen just staring at them. Of course, the tourists went crazy, taking
pictures and selfies. The dig members were no better, and honestly, I don't blame
them. It's not every day that your work gets interrupted by the animals you've dedicated
your life to studying.
El, you should have been here. I know you would have stared at them in wonder,
even reverently. You evolved, and I respect that, but I also know that you would have
been delighted to see it. Have you had any encounters? I hope not, but if you do, I hope
they were the…. What did Lexy and Tim call them..? Vegisaurus kind.
Please keep safe Ellie,
Alan.'
Vegisaurus. She can't help but chuckle.
Of course he would remember something that Lexy and Tim did. They were the first children that had ever left a mark in him. She'd later teased him that they'd imprinted on him and that now he was going to be stuck being Uncle Alan for a while. He'd pretended that it didn't matter, but she had seen the curl of his lip as his frown turned into a smile.
He had yet to meet her children, at least in their adult self's. It was a meeting that she knew he was looking forward to but was also deeply terrified off. He insisted that he had to make a good impression but Ellie already knew that they would love him. She'd made sure they both knew about him even if Mark didn't like it. Charlie still idolized him after all the bedtime stories she'd share with him about his uncle, the Dinosaur Man. He'd read all of Alan's books and articles and was probably going to talk his ear off when they finally met. Amanda had heard the stories as well, but she had been far too small to actually remember him. Still, Ellie was sure her daughter would be as warm and inviting as she always was and would simply pull Alan into an unexpected hug.
As soon as the kids were done with their college semester they would descend to their home and then they would finally meet. Ellie is sure that only then will her life feel finally complete.
She hears voices coming from downstairs but a quick pause verifies that it isn't Alan. A delicious scent makes its way up to their bedroom which makes her belly grumble. She debates leaving the last four letters for another day but she knows that if she leaves them there, her mind will constantly be thinking about them and she won't enjoy her day. She'll read them quickly and then join Alan for breakfast.
She reaches for the third to last envelope. It is a card envelope again, though this time it's white and not blue. She pulls the tab from within and brings out a colorful birthday card. There's a dinosaur skeleton on it, with a cupcake in its paw and a birthday hat balancing on its head. The words 'You may be old but you are not Jurassic old…' are embossed on it in gold. She smirks at her finding and opens the card to read the rest of the message within. '… so let's celebrate your Dino-mite birthday!'
"Oh Alan." She finds herself whispering again. She pulls the card up to her chest and sighs happily. Before they'd separated, they'd always celebrated each other's birthdays. Usually for her birthday the dig would make a whole event out of it. They'd wear paper birthday hats throughout the day, share a small cake from a local bakery and share some beers at the end of the night.
For his birthday things were calmer. He had always been a private person who hated to be the center of attention. She'd known this and had always prepared a private meal for the two of them after which they would share one cupcake between them. They usually ended up talking long into the night, making love in their small cot, and thinking of everything but dinosaurs.
The first couple of years without their little ritual had been hard. She's felt terribly alone on her birthday despite being surrounded by new friends and Mark. She'd always celebrated his birthday with a cupcake and when the kids had come into her life she'd indulged them in a taste of it even though they'd never known why Mommy was eating one.
This card was evidence that Alan never forgot. Maybe even continued their little celebration despite the miles and states between them.
'Ellie,
Happy Birthday! It's your special day again, sweetheart, and I hope that you
are spending it surrounded by those that love you and that you love back. You won't
believe it but I actually miss your birthday bashes. You were always so happy and
lively, completely in your element. I loved to observe you simply be. It always amazed
me how you commanded the group all while making it feel like a family, like everyone
belonged. I know that wherever you are you will be doing exactly this and even though
I can't be there to see you light up the room, it's enough to know that you are out there,
celebrating, living. I'll buy a cake in your honor. God knows that this place needs a little
celebration.
Happy Birthday Ellie Sattler.
Alan.'
What was today's date?
She's been so tired recently and so focused on the whole Biosyn issue that she'd completely lost track of time. With a sigh of relief, she realizes that Alan's birthday is still a couple of months away and that she still has time to ensure their tradition is continued. This time they won't be cramped in an RV, battling the never-ending dust from settling on their little table, but she will make sure that his favorite dish is prepared and waiting for him. She might even plan a little picnic, just the two of them, to commemorate his special day.
With gentle care she slides the card back into the thick envelope then places it on top of the pile of read letters that has steadily been building. There's only three envelopes left, two of which she already knows are small letters. The last one is the thickest one and she's very tempted to skip right into it but stops herself before she can fully open it. She could read it out of order, Alan wouldn't find out and she knows the order will really not matter, but she feels that she owes it to him to at least read his last letters as calmly as she's read the others. She'll have to exercise patience.
She picks up the first envelope and slides it open, pulling out the paper from inside. She can see just by how indented the words are on the paper, that he had been mad when he wrote it. But of what? She isn't sure.
It doesn't take long for her to find out.
'Ellie,
I hate tourist. All of them. They come here stomping and demanding to see
live dinosaurs like we were running that stupid park instead of an actual dig site.
This is science not a damn petting zoo!
Sorry. You know I hate cursing but you'd be doing it too if you'd been here
and had seen that teenager stomp on a fossil because he was, and I quote "bored".
I know I told you I had more patience, but today was not a good day. I have
to go see what I can salvage, if anything can be salvaged at all. Damn tourist!
Alan'
"What an asshole!" Ellie exclaims a little louder than expected. Hearing her voice bounce off the walls, she frowns and hopes that Alan hadn't heard her.
Losing a fossil is always hard. There are so many steps that have to be done properly in order to successfully retrieve them from the ground that losing one in the process is absolutely maddening. Yes, its just bone for some but for them, for the team of paleo scientist, they represented glimpses into a world they've barely begun to understand. They are literally everything they base their studies in.
It must have been devastating for him to witness the temper tantrum that had resulted in the loss of the fossil. If she'd been there she would have probably been just as mad. After all, she'd once called Hammond a jerk for having brought in a chopper to the site which had blown sand at high speeds into their work. She would have certainly called the teenager something worse.
At least Alan was able to channel his anger into the letter. Or so she hopes. Although, come to think of it, the teenager and his whole party were probably expelled from the site after that, she just hopes that Alan didn't do it personally.
She quickly changes letters but not without glancing towards the thicker envelope that patiently waited for her. "Focus Ellen." She whispers to herself, using the oh so dreaded name that her parents had bestowed upon her.
She fumbles with the letter, eager to read it, and manages to get a paper cut for her troubles. She hisses at the burning sensation of the cut but quickly raises her finger to her lips just in case there's some drops of blood. The last thing she wants is to get it on Alan's letters.
With that taken care off, she unfolds the paper and starts reading.
'Ellie,
Did you hear? About Maisie Lockwood? She's missing.
I know you were friends with her mother, Charlotte, for a while after
the park. I know she helped you deal with some of the hard stuff for which
I am thankful to her. I wish I could have been there for you when you were
grieving her passing. It's one off he times I was really tempted to ring you
up. I'm not sure if you ever met Maisie though. Apparently she was being
kept at her grandfather's estate but she's been missing for almost two weeks
now. They aren't sure if she ran away or if she was kidnapped.
Something fishy is going on, Ellie, I just don't know what it is. Her
disappearance has been tied to a new influx of dinosaurs, some of which had
never before been seen in US soil and which apparently escaped from the same
mansion. They must have had some time of black market. I wouldn't be surprise
if it somehow had to do with the Biosyn. I'm sure you've heard of them and their
'mission to protect' the dinosaurs. I'll believe it when I see it. They are up to
something too, Ellie, I can feel it. Please, be careful when you deal with them,
if you deal with them.
If Maisie really was kidnapped, then what do they want with her? She's
only a child, right? What could they possibly want with a kid?
Alan'
She's surprised that Alan not only remembers Charlotte but actually remembers she'd mentioned Maisie in passing. He'd never met her, though Ellie had. After Charlotte had died, Ellie had asked about Maisie but she'd been reassured by the girls grandfather that she would be taken care of just like her mother would have wanted to.
She feels bad for not having thought about her friend and her daughter for so long. She'd grieved for Charlotte but life had taken over and she'd had to look after her own children and her failing marriage and before she knew it she'd lost complete track of time.
Thankfully Maisie was safe now. She continued to live with her adoptive parents and actually kept in contact with Ellie and Alan. Ellie was always there to answer whatever questions she might have about Charlotte and Alan, well Maisie had also imprinted on him. For a man who had insisted for years that he disliked kids, he certainly seemed to be a kid magnet.
"Almost ready!" She hears Alan call from the kitchen. She knows he's warning her just in case she's not done, which she isn't. It still gives her a time to read the last letter. There is no way she's waiting any longer to dive into it.
"Okay!" She replies hoping he'll be able to hear her. "Just finishing the last one!"
She knows she should probably get up, at least comb her hair, and change clothes, but she's far too comfortable in her pjs and she knows Alan won't mind. He's seen her at her worst, a little bed head isn't gonna make him fall out of love.
Eagerly, as if she hadn't just spent a whole morning reading Alan's love letters, she pulls the pieces of paper from within the envelope with absolutely no hesitation, unfolds them, smooths them, and prepares to lose herself in the last of his words.
'My beloved Elli Sattler,
Every day that passes is a day that I realize how deep my mistakes have run.
It's a day where my regrets consume me until it feels like drawing a breath is far too
exhausting. I don't know what to do with myself. Or with my regrets.
I'm tired Ellie.
I get up every morning and go through the same cycle; roll out of my cot, shower,
breakfast, digging, solving site issues until late hours, have dinner if I remember to,
fall into my cot, think of all the what if's and dig more if I have nightmares. That's my
life in a nutshell.
Once upon a time I thought it was exactly what I wanted. It was fulfilling and
worthy of missing out on many other things. Now? Now I'm not so sure. No, in fact,
I can say without a shadow of a doubt that it wasn't worth it. I'll never be anything
but an aging paleontologist in a world that I no longer fully understand. A world where
dinosaurs roam. I tried to convince others that the science still has merit, that digging
could still teach us, but I think I was just trying to convince myself. I paint a smile on
my face every day for the tourist, so that the digs can continue, but my heart isn't in
it anymore.
The truth is that my heart has been gone for a very long time. 27 years to the
date to be exact.
You are my heart, Ellie Sattler. Every inch of it holds your memory; your laughter,
your smiles, the blues of your eyes, the way you'd hum around the RV as we made breakfast,
the way you held a brush as you tried to dig out a stubborn fossil, your face of wonder when
we'd find evidence of a plant preserved forever, or how you'd smooth the cast bandages to
protect them. It holds the touch of your skin against mine, the curve of your neck as you slept,
the taste of your lips in the early morning light. It even holds the sound of your cries and the
salt of your tears after a nightmare.
You are my heart.
If I were to die tonight, my only regret would be you. Wait, that doesn't sound right, let me rephrase.
If I were to die my only regret would have been letting you go. I should have fought harder for you, for us.
I should have told you about the sterility instead of pushing you away. I should have found a way to give you
what you wanted, what you desired. We could have adopted, or looked into a donor, or done anything other
than letting you go. We could have had the dream, Ellie.
Instead I pushed you away and you had the dream with someone else. And I… I stayed.
I remained stuck, never moving, never evolving, just… stuck.
Forever stuck.
I miss you terribly, Ellie. More than I could ever describe. I wish I could go back in time,
just for one day, and wake up with you by my side, hold you or just feel your hand on my knee.
I'd even take you ribbing and teasing me! I wish I had just one more chance to tell you how much
you changed my life, how better you made it, and how grateful I am to have met you. You changed
my life for the better and I'm not even sure if you are aware of it. Please tell me your are aware of it.
I never stopped loving you. Not for one minute. From the moment I met you at the lecturing
hall of your university to this very second, and the next, and the next, I never stopped loving you.
I never will. I simply don't know how to and I don't want to find out. Even miles away, I love you.
With all my heart. God knows what you ever saw in me but I know that I am lucky to have known
your love.
I'm so exhausted, El. Of denying what everyone knows, of hiding that I miss you, on wishing
I hadn't been a coward. I was a coward and my cowardice cost me our future. I would give everything,
and I mean everything, for the chance to be your husband, to have the right to love you, to be able to
calm your fears, to be Charlie and Amanda's father, to celebrate all your accomplishments and theirs,
to finish the day in your arms.
I swear to you, if I ever see you again I will find a way to let you know everything. I won't hide
a single thing from you, and if I am ever lucky enough to have the chance of feeling your love again,
I will never let it go l, I will never step away from you or make you leave. You'll be stuck with me forever.
If I can only be your friend, then I will make sure you know how much you are appreciated.
I think I'm getting sappy in my old age. I'm just too tired, too lonely to fight it. I just want to
pack up everything, drive to you and ask if you'll have me. I know it's unfair, you have Mark and the
kids, but I can't help but feels this way. Digging and fossils were never enough, not ever, it's just
taken me twenty-seven years to figure it out. Twenty-seven years too long.
Will you have me?
Alan'
"Breakfast's ready!"
Ellie blinks away the tears that had gathered in her eyes and wipes off the tear-tracks that had been left on her skin as she read Alan's last letter. Trying to breathe is a little bit of a hassle as her nose is completely clogged. "Coming!" She calls out so that Alan won't worry. Instead of putting the letters aside and making her way out of their bedroom, Ellie makes a bee-line towards the bathroom. She needs to gather herself and try to get the mess of her face under control, otherwise she will scare Alan and that's the last thing she wants to do.
She washes her face with cold water, hoping that it will get rid of the new puffiness that crying has gifted her. After blowing her nose and combing her hair, she washes her teeth then leaves the bathroom. She doesn't bother changing into new clothes, instead opting to wear her pajamas.
As Ellie makes her way downstairs, the delicious aroma of breakfast envelopes her. She knows she requested only fruit and yogurt but whatever Alan had made for himself smells delicious. She'll have to sneak a few bites from his plate. The little island in her kitchen already has the plates set, with her breakfast covered up so that nothing will fly into it. Meanwhile, Alan is turned towards the stove, a hot pan in hand and a spatula in the other. He transfers what appears to be eggs and ham to the plate waiting besides the stove, then returns the hot pan to the grill. She watches as he verifies that the stove is off, then picks up his plate and turns to place it on his place.
Alan hadn't been expecting her because he jumps surprised when he sees her.
"Has anybody ever told you that you are very light-footed?" He asks her before setting the plate on the island. He takes a couple of steps closer to her but frowns as he registers the puffiness of her face and the redness of her nose. "What's wrong?"
She shakes her head, a smile coming to her lips even as her eyes once more water. "Nothing. Nothing is wrong." She promises. "Everything is finally right."
He approaches her, his hand reaching for hers to have some physical connection between them. "And yet you were crying. Was it something I said in the letters?"
Ellie tilts her head to the side and rolls her eyes at herself but ends up nodding. "Yeah."
Alan grimaces and opens his arms for her. She smiles again and steps into his embrace, her arms wrapping around his waist as his wrap around her back. "I'm fine, I promise." She whispers against his shoulder. "They were beautiful Alan, all of them."
"Even the ones were I was mad?"
She tilts her head back to look into his blue eyes. "Even those. I wish you had sent them." Ellie whispers the last part. She understands why he hadn't and the struggle he'd face when he had thought about sending them, but she also knows that she would have loved to receive them. It would have been something she would have looked forward to every year. Something not even Mark could take away from her.
"I wish so too." He laments before leaning forward and pressing a kiss to her forehead. "But I thought you were mad at me, I thought I had messed up our friendship. The best thing I could do was to let you be."
She buries her face against his neck, inhaling the scent of soap, eggs and ham, and that which is uniquely Alan Grant. "I never wanted that." It's not hard to admit this time, not to him. "We really have to work on our communication skills."
She feels Alan's chuckle vibrate against her chest and pulls in a little closer. He leans his head against hers, humming softly under his breath and gently swaying. She sways along with him, enjoying the tender moment between them. They are still reconnecting as a couple and moments like this are something she deeply cherishes.
"When did you write the last letter?" She asks him as they continue swashing in the middle of their kitchen.
"hmmm…" Alan seems to ponder for a second before answering honestly. "A week before you appeared in my tent."
She tightens her arms around his waist. Something about learning that it hadn't been that long ago since he was having doubts about his decisions makes her want to hold on to him tighter. She knows it's her protective nature but she can't help it. "When I saw you turn, God Ellie, it was like my soul came back into my body."
She had noticed the intake of breath he'd made but Ellie had assumed it had just been the surprise to see her. "You weren't alone. I was so nervous but the moment I saw you, everything just aligned. Everything was ok. No matter what happened at Biosyn, or if we were able to prove they had something to do with the locust, I knew that moment that everything would be alright because you were finally at my side."
He buries his head against her neck, pressing a light kiss to the soft skin he finds. "I kept trying to think of a way to tell you everything while we were there. But you seemed… so in charge, so put together, that I kept wondering if by telling you I'd be holding you back. When you asked me to come with you-"
"I was so sure you'd say no." She interrupts him.
That makes him pull back. He stares at her for a second before making a confused face. "What?!"
She nods softly, her eyes once more filling with tears. "I always… I don't know, thought that I hadn't been enough the first time around. How could I be enough now? You'd hinted you weren't happy, that you were lonely, but I wasn't sure if it was just me hoping or if it was real. So when I asked I was fully expecting you to day no."
"Is that why you looked so surprised?" She nods at his question. She had been surprised. For a second she'd even doubted that she had heard him correctly. When all she had seen was truthfulness in his eyes and a raw vulnerability, she'd realized that she had heard him correctly. He wanted to be with her.
"What I wrote in that letter is true, Ellie." She hadn't thought that any of it was a life. It was real, truthful, and raw. Everything that she knew Alan Grant to be when he allowed himself the chance. "I regretted everyday letting you go but I can never regret the fact that life gave you two precious children to mother."
Her chin trembles as her emotions get the better of her once more. Before her tears can begin to fall, Alan gently cups her face and slides his thumbs against her cheeks, brushing them away. She sniffles and leans in for a kiss, her eyes slipping close as she gives herself over to the sensation of finally having the love of her life by her side with no fear of ever losing him again.
Alan pulls back from their kiss just as her lungs start protesting, but it's only long enough to whisper something against her lips. "I regretted every day not having the courage to go find you."
He continues with a second kiss which she quickly and eagerly receives before brushing her nose against his. "I regretted not fighting for you, for us." They remain in that position for a couple of minutes. His breakfast is cooling down, hers is probably growing a little warm, but she doesn't care. She needs this with him, she needs to feel their connection as it strengthens even further.
There are so many things she wants to tell him, to reassure him about, but she knows now isn't the time. Maybe she can put them all down on paper for him to read. Yes, that's what she will do.
"Alan?" She whispers as she finally opens her eyes. She watches as his blue eyes slip open as well, a tiny smirk cracking on his lips. "Is there something you want to ask me?"
Again, Alan looks confused. She can't help but let out a little chuckle as she watches him try and remember. Taking pity on him, Ellie elaborates. "In your letter, your last letter, there was a question. You said you wanted to ask me."
It takes him a fraction of a second to understand what she's talking about, to remember the words he'd written in his letter. When he does, a hint of a blush appears on his cheeks. Ellie is almost afraid that he will back down, that she's pushed him too much and that he would retreat. Instead, he surprises her by grinning even wider.
"Ellie Sattler, whatever would I do without you?" She knows he doesn't need an answer. They've had twenty-seven years of missing each other, of barely functioning above surviving day by day. They know what they'd do without the other and it's something neither of them is willing to ever experience again.
"Well, are you gonna ask?" She urges, her smile widening before she bites the end of her lip.
"Ellie Sattler…" He starts. "Will you have me?"
The end