..But Never of Killing.
Disclaimer: I do not own RWBY.
"War is the epitome of the worst things in the world. It has death, murder, pain, and suffering. It has rules that no one follows, which means it has torture before, during, and after. It eats away at you, forcing you to do things you never thought you were capable of. And if you're one of the lucky ones who manage to escape, when everything has finally quieted and it's all over, you find yourself screaming in the night, your memories tearing your mind apart as they force themselves back into reality.
This is what we ask of our youth. This is what infects every generation."
His eyes bored into her, his hands reached out as they struggled for purchase. She saw it, the fear, the desperation, the need. He didn't want to die. She could help him, she could stop it.
And she did nothing.
Just like before, she watched him disappear as she held her partner. Just like before, she saw the fear become terror, the desperation morph into blame, and the need turn into despair as he disappeared over the edge. She felt relief, but it was tempered with guilt. He was dead. From her decisions.
She could have-
Yang jerked herself awake, hard. Her hand was clenched in a fist, and she could feel blood starting to leak from her palm. The darkness of the room Atlas had given her seemed almost oppressive, the bunks confining, and she slipped out of the alcove before she felt herself become claustrophobic.
Pulling on a pair of shoes, she listened to hear if any of her roommates had been awoken, and minutely relaxed when she counted three breathing people. Ruby was saying something about… chocolate chip cookies, of course she was. Blake was snoring softly, and Weiss was rolling like a log, but still clearly asleep judging by her breathing pattern.
Good. She didn't need to wake them.
It took her only a moment to wiggle into a sports bra and double check she had her key before she was out the door. She had no idea what she was going to do (her scroll said it was only 2:47) but she felt like she needed to get out of the room. The hall's light had been reduced, probably power saving measures, and she hoped she didn't run into anyone. She just needed to clear her head.
"I will admit that you were one of the people I thought I might see this time of night, though I thought you would be sneaking back from someone's room."
Great.
Plastering a smile on her face, she turned to speak to their host and the owner of the voice. "Hey, General Ironwood."
He nodded lightly to her. "As a guest you do not have to abide by curfew, but I do wonder what it is you're doing up at this time of night." He paused. "Are you all right?"
Oh, no. No. No, no, and hell no! She had enough on her plate without unloading her soul to the very man they were lying by omission to. "I'm fine, General. Just," She motioned. "Going on a walk."
"I see." He replied. "Where, exactly, are you planning on going?"
"Winter's room!" Yang blurted, without thinking. "I just...was going to...see her. Yeah." She trailed off, trying to ignore the surprised look on the General's face.
"Very well." He said, after a moment of silence. "Do you mind if I walk with you?"
"Not at all," Yang replied easily, not wanting to admit that she had no clue how to find the Specialist's room, and even less of an idea of what she was going to say when she got there. Heck, she wasn't even sure why she'd said she was going to speak to Winter anyway. Winter Schnee didn't exactly seem like the person you wanted to speak with when you had a bad dream- heck, she was pretty sure Weiss's older sister would just laugh at her. Still, she felt the woman would have at least something to say, and with any luck her midnight walk would be enough to let her get back to sleep after Winter told her to get lost.
Hopefully.
General Ironwood led the way through the halls to a much nicer wing than the one that team RWBY had been staying in. These were clearly officers' quarters. They were spaced further apart; she could hear running water from one, indicating they probably didn't have to share showers and toilets; and judging by the smells coming from one, they also had a kitchen of some sort.
She was jealous.
The two stopped outside one that smelled faintly like spearmint. The cold scent tore through her nostrils, and she felt her nasal passages clear. At Ironwood's inquiring look, she knocked.
No response, but just as she was about to knock again Winter answered the door.
"Yes?"
"I want to speak with you." Yang shot a look at Ironwood. "Privately." She wasn't sure whether she wanted Winter to say yes or no, but met the Specialist's eyes evenly as she waited for the answer.
"Fine." She opened the door and motioned for the blonde to enter. As Yang entered the small hall, the white haired woman switched her focus to the General. "Can I help you, Jimmy?"
"Specialist Schnee-!"
"We're not on duty, and it's two in the morning. You're not in uniform, so unless you're about to tell me I need to go to work I'll call you whatever the hell I damn well please, James!" Yang stared open mouthed at Winter, who was apparently not giving an inch.
"No, that will be all, Winter."
"Good night, Jimmy." Without waiting for a response, she closed the door and turned to Yang. "Come on." She motioned to the younger girl.
"Winter, I'm sorry for bothering you-"
"Save your breath." Winter interrupted. "I can guess why you're here. You left, probably to clear your head from something, and ran into James, who was alerted because you are, after all, foreign trained operatives that he has vouched for." The white-haired woman paused in a small kitchen and began to grab mugs from a shelf. "He demanded to know what was going on, and for some unknowable reason, you said you were going to see me, instead of, say, someone logical, like your insufferable uncle." She raised an eyebrow as Yang felt her jaw drop for the second time. "I take it from your goldfish impression that I am correct."
Yang sputtered for a moment. "How did you know?"
"You apologized." Winter added a tea bag to each mug, before she continued. "If you had meant to come here, you would have simply gotten down to business instead of trying to feed me a bunch of useless words, because you know I hate that." She sent Yang a half-hearted glare. "Instead you started sounding like your sister- excuse me, your team leader- being diplomatic." She had moved on to boiling the water. "Now, you left your room for a reason, and somewhere in that brain of yours, you thought I could help." Silence reigned for a few minutes while the water boiled. Finally, as she poured the mugs, she spoke again, handing a mug to Yang. "I'm awake. You've managed to make it into my apartment, and I believe I have checked all the required 'hostess' boxes by giving you something to drink- no, wait." The Specialist pointed to the living area, which held a couch and a couple chairs. "Won't you sit down?"
Yang laughed at the absurdity of it all, even as she made her way to the living 'room,' separated from the kitchen by a bar. "I'm sorry for barging in on you."
Winter shrugged. "I can sleep when I'm dead." As the two sat down, she fixed Yang with a hard look. "Now, why did you want to talk?"
Yang opened her mouth to explain that she just wanted to go on a walk, when her voice replied, "I couldn't sleep."
Winter didn't actually say anything immediately; instead, she sipped her tea politely. "I see."
Yang felt her mouth go dry. Those two words held way too much, and yet still way too little. "Wh-what?"
"It's Adam, isn't it?" Winter looked into her cup, casually bobbing the bag up and down.
"Um…" Yang looked away. "No."
"Okay." Winter sighed tiredly. "Why did you come to- don't answer that." The older woman sighed again, seeming to settle herself, before carefully setting her tea on the small table she had.
"I- I just..." Yang began, "I couldn't sleep." She finished lamely.
"And you came to me, or rather, I came to mind." Winter gave her a wry smile. "All right, I'm not good at this, but I know better than to tell you to go away. What do you want to tell me?"
Yang looked away. "Is it… is being a Huntress always this hard?"
"I assume you're referring to your little escapade with the former head of the White Fang?" Yang nodded mutely, and Winter rubbed her face tiredly. "Honestly? No. Not in your case. At least it shouldn't be."
Yang relaxed a bit. "So I won't have it… this hard always?"
"That's not what I said." Winter replied bluntly. "I said it shouldn't for a reason. You're a Huntress, not a soldier. Your job is to kill Grimm, but you're not just any Huntress, are you?"
"I don't think there's such a thing as 'just a Huntress.'" Yang replied, forcing a laugh. "Even if there were, I'm pretty sure that I'm a bit better than the average one."
Winter shrugged. "That's not what I meant. I mean, you're teammates with the last silver-eyed huntress on Remnant." Yang felt the blood leave her face, and Winter nodded. "As a Huntress, all you'll ever fight is a Grimm. As a companion to Ruby, you'll see things no Huntress ever would, do things none have ever had to do."
"But Adam was chasing us because of Blake." Yang felt her hand ball into a fist. "Ruby had nothing to do with it!"
"Not this time," Winter replied calmly, sipping her tea. "But I'm aware of at least three assassins that have tried to claim the bounty on silver-eyed warriors since she's been here." Yang started, and Winter raised her eyebrows. "You didn't know?"
"We knew there was a bounty, but we thought…"
"It never expired." Winter shook her head. "That's not what we're talking about right now, though."
"It is now!"
"No." The Specialist shook her head calmly. "We're discussing you, Yang Xiao Long, and why you are awake at an ungodly hour, and what you can do to recover. Your sister is in one of the most secure places on Remnant. Discussing her can wait until morning."
Yang glared at the white-haired woman, who looked back at her evenly. "Fine. But first thing tomorrow-"
"Very well. Now, you were saying?"
"I asked if it would always be this hard, you distracted me by answering a different question."
Winter took a deep breath, letting it out slowly to give herself time to think. "No. It won't, but it will never go away."
"What do you mean?" Yang asked, a bit of fear leaking into her tone despite herself.
Winter rubbed her face tiredly. "It's not like a faucet. You can't just flip a switch and 'bam' it all goes away."
"I didn't think it would." Yang replied quietly.
"Good." Winter said. "The only thing I can compare it to is love."
Yang blinked, she hadn't been expecting that. "Love?"
"I'm guessing your partner isn't your first crush, right?" Yang gave a stilted nod, and Winter continued, "You probably feel something for the ex that broke up with you- even if it went bad. It's a painful mix of disappointment and bittersweet happiness, or something like that?"
"Sure," Yang agreed. "Something like that."
"It pops up. It never really goes away. There's times where it seems like it fades, and then something jogs your memory, and you inadvertently remember it- them." Winter was staring into her cup as she continued talking. "The further you get away from it, the easier it gets, though. Eventually it'll fade- mostly -but it'll still be there." She glanced up. "I don't have a better answer."
Yang just nodded. "I… I can't… I don't..."
"I killed someone when I was two years older than you. I knew them intimately, and it tore me apart." Winter was looking out the window as she started speaking. "We had a traitor, we had to root them out, and I was attached to a unit to provide security against the Grimm. The main unit was on the mole hunt. I made fast friends with one of the guards, and we ended up on the same shift." She looked back at Yang. "You can guess the rest: they figured him out, he tried to use me as a hostage, and my training took over. I grabbed the gun and…" She mimed holding it. "...and I solved the problem." She looked away.
"I'm sorry." Yang wasn't sure what else she could say.
Winter waved her hand dismissively. "I signed up for this job. I knew what I might have to do. I wasn't prepared for what that meant then…"
"...and now?"
"Now I know what it means," blue eyes met purple, "and so do you."
Silence fell between the two of them, before Yang finally hung her head. "We were trapped over a waterfall-"
"One chance," Winter interrupted, holding up a finger. "I didn't tell you my story to make you tell me yours. I did it to show you that you aren't the only one to end a life."
Yang took a deep breath to steady her nerves. "No, I want- I need to tell this."
"I'm all ears." Winter sat back in her chair, blowing on tea that was no longer steaming. "Tell as much, or as little, as you like."
"We were trapped, and Adam had caught up with us." Yang could see him as though it was yesterday. "He was clearly tired and desperate. It was obvious he had been chasing us for weeks." His eye still burned into hers. "He drew his weapon and attacked. We fought back. I-" She swallowed, trying to force the words. "I began absorbing his semblance." She looked away from Winter, afraid to see her reaction.
"Is that all you wish to say?" Winter asked calmly.
"I...I guess so." Yang murmured. "You can guess the rest of it."
"Yang, look at me, please." Yang carefully looked to see the specialist still blowing on her tea. "You have no idea how flattered, surprised, and above all, honored, I am to be sitting with you here tonight." She leaned forward. "I have my duties, and you have yours. However, for as long as you are here, you can speak to me at any point- even during the day, should you need it."
Yang sighed. "I don't want to-"
"Then don't." Winter shrugged. "I am not the kind of person who is going to force you to do something. You are not under my command, and I have no real power over you. However," she added after a moment, "If you decide you do want to, then I am here." She paused before asking, "Where is your scroll?"
"Here." Yang pulled her scroll from her shirt.
"Put this contact in." Winter handed her a small card. "If you need to talk- at all -I am available."
Yang carefully added the contact. "Don't you want to know more?"
Winter seemed to be debating answering for a moment, before she replied, "Of course. But I've been in your shoes. Everyone wants to help, and no one really can." She shrugged. "I can't do anything besides talk with you, and in order to talk with you, and not to you, you need to want to talk." She motioned to her scroll. "Now you can, whenever you want."
"Thanks." Yang felt a surge of affection for the older woman. "I never really had someone who would do that. Dad just seems to want me safe, no matter what."
Winter nodded. "Don't be afraid to talk with others. I have a feeling Belladonna would appreciate having someone to talk to as well."
Yang glanced at her as a thought struck. "Can I give her your contact?"
Winter sighed. "Yes. But please do not hand it to everyone you meet. Also I cannot guarantee she will want to talk to me, or that I will be able to help." After a moment she admitted, "Quite frankly, I don't really know how I helped you."
"Trust me, you did." Yang grinned. "Now I need to sneak back to bed."
Winter rolled her eyes. "Do you need a chaperone?"
"Me?" Yang gave the specialist a faux innocent look that the older woman didn't seem to even entertain as being genuine.
"Yes, you."
Yang shrugged. "If I get too lost, I imagine the esteemed General will be more than happy to show me back to bed."
"He will," Winter admitted.
Yang walked to the door. "I'll be fine then." She paused, wanting to say one final thing.
"What is it?"
"What do I say?" Yang asked, turning to face her friend. "'Thank you' is so impersonal for something so important."
"You say 'good night.'" Winter replied drolly. "If you have nothing pressing, then we can discuss everything else tomorrow."
"Good night."
"Good night."
Winter closed the door behind her unexpected guest and dimmed the lights as she went back to bed.
So, Yang Xiao Long was struggling. Understandable, really. She should have seen it coming. She should have warned Qrow. Grimm, she should have warned RWBY as a whole. Now, however… Now she would keep a close eye on things, and if they went their separate ways she would have to find some way to make sure Yang was well enough to travel. Telling anyone else would be a major breach of confidence. Yang seemed in a good enough headspace that she wasn't worried that the brawler would be taking any drastic steps.
Sitting on the edge of her bed, she carefully went through the conversation, trying to make sure she wasn't missing any important details. She felt that everything had gone as well as it could have under the circumstances.
Flipping the lights off, she quietly continued organizing her thoughts. Yang was a good kid, and hopefully she would bounce back. If Winter could help, she would. She mentally reminded herself there was one more conversation she might have to have with the blonde and internally shuddered.
Talking about your first kill was one thing. Talking about your first loss…
Hopefully she would never need to have that conversation with Yang.
Title Quote: Bertrand Russel
Opening Quote: A Sergeant I knew in the Corps. Someone who, despite their job, many considered a good person.
Working Title: War is the epitome of the worst things in the world
My head has been...wandering lately. I apologize for the long break in updates. I intended to update with a different story (which is now waiting for upload), and then I got distracted.
The other will come shortly, please be patient.
R&R