He watched the birds fly overhead and beyond the trees. He watched a couple of squirrels rush up into the trees to snuggle up in their nests. He wanted to smile, the moment so pure and beautiful, but he couldn't. The cold New York air sent shivers down his spine causing memories to flood his mind and he tensed up, urging the memories to go away as fast as they had come. He wasn't ready for this. It was too soon. It couldn't be that day already. But it will be in a few days, and Kurt dreaded it with every bone in his body.
It was the anniversary of Lizzy's death. It felt like he was losing her all over again. He kept having horrible nightmares, flashbacks of that night of waking up and finding out his daughter had... He closed his eyes and forced himself to stop thinking about it. Which was proving so incredibly difficult since every little thing he saw kept reminding him of her. He shifted on his bench in Central Park and pulled his jacket tighter. A tear fell down his cheek and he looked down to his feet.
He opened his eyes and saw something white on his shoes. He was confused at first but out of the corner of his eye, he saw something white fall to the ground. He looked up and realized it had started to snow. Lizzy always loved the snow. She called it magic because she could never see where the flurries came from. Memories of her dancing around in the snowfall came to the forefront of his mind. He closed his eyes tightly imagining her there in front of him now trying to catch the snowflakes. He could feel himself start to lose control so he decided it was time to continue his walk home.
Once there, he unlocked the door and slowly made his way inside, dropping his keys in the bowl on the small table. "Kurt?" Hearing his husbands voice only amplified what he was feeling. He fought hard to hold the tears at bay, to keep his grief inside. He couldn't bear to let Blaine see him like this. He slowly took off his jacket and when Blaine walked into the room he looked up at him and stared, unaware of the tears that had already made their way down his cheeks. Blaine tilted his head, knowing exactly what was going on. Blaine closed the distance between them and Kurt just let it all out, and cried into his husbands shoulder.
Blaine held on tight, making sure Kurt knew that he was okay, that they will be okay. They shifted in the hall and Blaine faced the entryway. He yearned for his daughter to be back so bad that he imagines her running into the room surprising them, and shouting "Group Hug!" with a enormous smile on her face. But she never did, and she never will. He realized that Kurt had begun to quiet down after a few minutes but that he was also still clinging to Blaine. Suddenly Blaine had an idea.
"Hey, why don't you go work on your line, and I'll cook us something for dinner." Blaine suggested. Kurt slowly pulled away and wiped away the salty tears off his face and gave his husband a small smirk.
"You mean order in Chinese?" Kurt asked his smile growing. Blaine mocked a hurt offended expression. Kurt giggled at Blaine's face.
"No. I will be cooking tonight." Blaine said smoothly. 'Even though I was totally gonna order Chinese food.' He thought immediately afterwards. "I've been paying attention when you cook; watched a few videos and made a few mental notes." Kurt mocked an impressed expression this time and they both starting laughing. The doorbell rang and they turned and Kurt opened the door. A little girl all bundled up in her stylish winter clothing greeted them.
"Hi..." Kurt managed. The girl had brown eyes, brown eyes and a sweet little round face. 'Wow, she looks just like Rachel.' Both men thought. A young woman was with her, probably a teacher or something. She was tall but looked young; she flung her curly blonde hair behind her and shifted onto her other foot.
"Hi! I was- I mean we were wondering if you'd like to buy some brownies we made to support our schools Choir?" Her big brown eyes were pleading and she needed an answer, but the couple were dumbfounded at how much the little girl looked like there daughter. "It would mean a whole lot to us." She said after a moment of silence. Kurt blinked and looked at Blaine and putting on the bravest face he could muster, he faced the little girl again.
"Of course we will." He said pulling out his wallet.
"Thank you! Thank you!" She said excitedly. It warmed Kurt's heart but also he felt a pang of grief wash over him. She was so much like their little girl, it almost hurt to interact with the little girl.
He handed her the money and the tall woman handed the girl the brownies and then she handed the brownies to Kurt and Blaine. The woman was already down the steps and on the sidewalk impatiently waiting for the little girl. It was obvious by the sound of her tapping her foot on the ground. The little turned around and started down the stairs when Kurt stopped.
"Hey, wait. What's your name?" He asked.
"I'm Lizzy." Kurt froze. "Thanks for buying our brownies. Bye!" She said as she finished walking down the steps. She turned to wave at them.
Kurt stayed frozen in the doorway unable to move. His breathing had increased and he couldn't move, he couldn't speak he just stood there with the front door open, the cold air seeping into their bones. Blaine sighed and felt his heart shatter. With a sudden burst of irritation and grief Kurt slammed the door shut and shoving his jacket off, threw it on the couch and started pacing. Blaine rushed in after him ready to calm him down.
"Kurt..." Blaine started.
"It was her." Kurt said with such certainty. Blaine looked at him confused. He shook his head. Kurt started rubbing his hands together while still pacing.
"Wait what? What are you talking about?" Blaine asked wishing his husband would just calm down.
"It was her, Blaine. I know it. She looked just like her. Same eyes, same hair, same nose... her name is Lizzy for crying out loud, Blaine." Kurt said moving his arms around in his usual manner when he was upset.
"Kurt... it's not her. It's not possible. It's just-" Blaine tried but Kurt stopped him with a hand up.
"Don't say it's just a coincidence. There is too much similarity. You can't say that you didn't notice it Blaine!" Kurt almost half shouted. Blaine moved closer wishing he could comfort his husband more. He placed two comforting hands on his husbands shoulders.
"Kurt.. yes I noticed she has the same name. It's a common name and there are a lot of people in New York. And yes, she has brown hair and brown eyes, so did the woman that was with her. A lot of people have that those genetics, and some of them are Jewish." Kurt closed and turned around wiping his face with his hand. He sighed in frustration. He knew that Blaine was right. He didn't want to accept it. "It's not her, baby." Kurt turned around, with teary eyes again and swallowed.
"I know. I just... I really, really, wanted it to be her. It has to be her. I need it to be her. Why can't it be her? Why isn't it her, Blaine?" Blaine moved to wrap his arms around Kurt again but Kurt took a step back and Blaine couldn't help the hurt he felt.
"I wish it was her too. So much. But we have to be realistic. We have to know that.."
"Know what? That she's gone and she's never coming back?! Yes I know that, Blaine. You don't have to tell me that we'll never see our daughter again." Kurt couldn't stop the words from leaving his mouth. There was so much frustration and anger and grief built up that he didn't know what to do with it. He felt so overwhelmed and just wanted it all to stop. He wanted to just leave and do something to make it stop.
Kurt sighed knowing that Blaine was just trying to help. "I'm sorry." He said walking closer to Blaine and taking his hands in his. "I shouldn't have reacted like that. We're supposed to be in this together and here I am yelling at you." Blaine gave his husband a teary smile.
"It's okay. And I'm sorry too. I've been pushy here lately, trying to keep it from really sinking in that's it's been a year now, without her." Blaine said with a stray tear falling down his cheek. Kurt pulled Blaine in closer to hug him tightly to him. He held on as if Blaine would soon disappear too. They pulled back and Blaine kissed Kurt lovingly on the lips. "I love you, so much." Kurt felt every bit of his husbands love from every single word.
"I love you too, Blaine." Kurt said back pulling him in for another hug. They would get through this, and they would do it together.