A/N : I don't know what this is... Just my mind going angst Banna but since I'm bad this sucks. Please be kind :(
During those hard times when they had thought John would be hanged, deep down, Anna had wanted to end her life. She knew that if her husband had died, she wouldn't have been able to face it and would have wanted to join him as soon as possible, even if it was an unholy way to die. She couldn't live without him, God knows how hard it had been the few times where they had lived apart. The willingness to kill herself had come later, when she had been attacked. She felt so dirty, so soiled, so broken that she had felt that John wouldn't want her anymore. But her darling husband had never stopped wanting her, loving her, cherishing her. The prospect of an unwanted pregnancy had scared her and she had told Mrs Hughes that if she had been pregnant with that monster's child, she would rather kill herself. When she had told John, a few years later, she had been glad she didn't do it. Her poor husband would have been heartbroken and she couldn't bear that. He had resigned on his revenge on Mr Green for the love of her, she had wanted to reward him for that pure gesture of his love by never thinking about suicide ever again. And she had kept her promise until now.
John had died, a few months after he had celebrated his ninetieth birthday. Anna had been unconsolable. Her children - her wonderful Johnny and Elsie- had been a lot of help for their old mother. She had known this time would come one day or another but she would have never been ready for it. John had been her first, last and only love. Since their son's birth, their life had been a smooth road, even when the latter had been sent off to war. They had counted on each other and on their daughter.
She knew she had to live for his sake and their children's. But suicide had once again passed through her mind. She was truly heartbroken, waking up and going to sleep without her husband next to her. She missed his voice, his hugs, his kisses, his scent… She missed him so much. She had decided to keep on with her promise to him and would live until death claimed her. But she still prayed every night that it would come as soon as possible. Her children were her last string, clinging onto her, keeping her from the Heavens. She had her grandchildren as well, she wanted to know them as they grew up. She had always been sad that John's mother had never known hers. Thankfully, she and John had had this chance. Their lovely grandchildren were growing up like plants and she was glad to witness that.
She looked to her son, her grown up son. He was now a dad and looked so much like his. Anna was so fond of that. When she looked at her son, she could see his father. He had her blonde hair and blue eyes, but otherwise he looked like John. He had his chubby cheeks and pouty mouth since he was a baby but as times passed he was even more a double of his late father. He was as tall and large as him. She felt the same reassurance in his embrace as the one she had known for over 50 years. Anna couldn't be prouder of their son who had become a perfect gentleman, just like her Mr Bates. He was now married to Miss Caroline Talbot, Mary's daughter and was an amazing husband, father and son. She had always wanted her son to follow his father's path by becoming an honest and kind man and he truly was.
She had been right when choosing her son's name. Her husband had argued, not wanting a child to bear his first name. He had so many doubts about fatherhood and his usual self-depreciation had not helped. But in the end, Anna had won, and their little John junior had come into the world and John had proved himself to be such a loving father. She never told him the secret reason behind this choice of name. She knew he would die before her and wanted to keep a part of him after that. Their child was a part of them and would be forever and she was proud that he had his father's name.
She had had a great life and knew she would die with no regret.