Solana's good mood went sour when she saw the Knight-Commander in the First Enchanter's office. Maker how she hated that bastard. It wasn't a secret the man held no love for mages. In his dealings with the magically gifted, he was always cold and calculating, even cruel and sadistic, not physically, but mentally and emotionally.

She began to back away from the door, intent on returning after Greagoir's departure, but took notice of a dark stranger in silver and blue armor standing between the other two men. She recognized the griffon symbol etched into the steel plate on his chest from pictures in some of the history books she studied over the years. He was a Grey Warden, and by the elaborate design of his armor, a high-ranking one at that.

There could be only one reason he was there. He was recruiting. She wondered, was he looking for mages or templars? If it was mages he needed, perhaps he would be scouting some of the younger gifted since most of the senior mages were already gone to Ostagar. The thought of leaving the tower to fight in a battle wasn't first and foremost on Solana's mind, but it would be a way to get her out of that Maker forsaken place. Perhaps she could convince the Warden Commander to take her with him if she could get him out of Irving's earshot. He was still a man, after all.

The young mage strode into the room with an air of confidence and purpose. "You wanted to see me, First Enchanter?"

Irving beamed at his protégé. A sense of pride shone in his eyes as he took a step toward her, like a father with an accomplished child. The First Enchanter had taken Solana under his wing when she was still a girl, the only apprentice he had mentored since gaining his title. When anyone would ask him why he took such an interest in such a precocious apprentice, the old man would simply say that he liked her moxie.

Solana was no pet, however. She worked hard to earn the First Enchanter's respect and accolades, spending countless hours poring over tomes written for those who were more advanced in years and experience. The old man was never one for coddling either. He always expected his apprentice to strive for perfection, and she always gave everything she did her best effort.

Greagoir, who was certainly never impressed by the young woman, greeted her intrusion with a sneer before addressing the older man again. "Well, Irving, you're obviously busy. We will discuss this later."

"Of course," the First Enchanter said dismissively before returning his attention to his student. "Well then…where was I? Oh, yes. Solana, this is Duncan, Commander of the Grey Wardens."

Solana gave a small bow of her head. "Hello."

"Is this the mage you told me about?" Duncan queried.

"The one and the same," the old Enchanter replied.

"It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance, young lady," Duncan said with a nod. "I suppose you've heard of the troubles to south? I'm here to recruit more mages to join the battle at Ostagar."

Those were the exact words Solana had been hoping to hear. She lifted her chin a bit higher to exhibit both fearlessness and pride. "I have."

"Duncan," Irving interrupted. "There's no need to worry the girl with such talk right now. This is supposed to be a happy day for her." He turned his attention to Solana. "I asked you here to congratulate you and to give you a few things that come with your new status."

The older man handed her a bundle of new robes, a signet ring bearing the insignia of the school of Entropy, and a staff. The first staff she could truly call her own. The stave was fashioned from ash and held no adornments, but simple and plain. It didn't matter, the importance of the stave was what it symbolized. Apprentices were only allowed to handle a staff under the close supervision of a Senior Enchanter. The fact that she could now carry one with her wherever she went proved that Solana was worthy of the title of mage.

"Thank you, First Enchanter," she said as he passed the items to her.

"Perhaps later, you can tell me all about your venture into the Fade. For now though, if you don't mind, could you please show our guest to his room? It is at the end of the hall just past the mage's quarters. I believe Cullen is on duty this morning, so when you finish your task, you can ask him to show you to your newly assigned dormitory." He turned back to the Grey Warden. "We will talk more over lunch, after you have had time to settle in and rest a bit, Duncan."

The Warden bowed. "I look forward to it, my friend."

Solana led Duncan down the corridor toward the library. She definitely intended to discuss the matter with him further, despite what the First Enchanter said. Irving might be reluctant to allow her to join, but she was sure she would be able to talk him into it in the end.

And even if the old man couldn't be convinced, Solana had read enough to know that Grey Wardens retained the right of conscription. If she had a choice, it was the option she preferred anyway. As a Warden she could leave the tower permanently. She could finally be away from the templars and, more importantly, away from her memories of Anders that seemed to haunt her in every corridor.

She then thought of Jowan, and her promise that they would always be together. Then she remembered that look in his eyes. He was planning to abandon her, just as Anders had. She may as well beat him to the punch. But first, she had to convince this Grey Warden that taking her along would be a good idea.

When they reached his room, Duncan thanked the young mage. In an effort to appear casual, she circled to leave, but stopped before she got to the door. She turned to him with the most sincere expression she could muster. "May I ask a question?"

He smiled warmly. "Of course, young lady."

"I have heard that mages can be Grey Wardens. Is that true, ser?"

The Warden narrowed his eyes. "Why? Are you interested in joining our ranks?"

"I think I could be a great asset."

"I'm sure you would be, but Grey Wardens pay a heavy price to become what we are, young lady. And being a Warden isn't exactly freedom. You are bound to a higher purpose for the remainder of your days, and duty to the Wardens comes first, above anything else."

He was reluctant, which wasn't entirely unexpected, but he did seem intrigued by the idea at least. If she could convince him to take her with him at all, perhaps she would have time to belay any misgivings he still had.

"Well, if not that, do you think that there is any way I could at least join the other mages in Ostagar?"

"Every mage is needed now. If you truly want to go with me, I could speak with Irving about it when I see him later."

"Would you? I would love the chance to prove my skills somewhere outside of a classroom."

Duncan nodded. "Then I will see what I can do. For now though, I am sure you have other things to attend to other than talking to an old man like me."

She was being dismissed. In a very courteous manner, but dismissed all the same. She presented a small bow.

"Of course, ser. Enjoy your rest."

When she walked out of the room into the hallway, Solana ran straight into Cullen. His whiskey brown eyes were filled with confusion and pain. Why did he care so much? He hardly knew her.

"Did I hear you correctly? You might be leaving the tower?"

"Were you eavesdropping, Cullen?" Solana asked with a curious frown.

"I…I…might have overheard…something," he stammered. "But is it true?"

The mage shrugged nonchalantly. "Maybe. I suppose for the moment it's up to Irving whether I can go or not."

The templar appeared wounded. His brown eyes glistened in the glow of the nearby lyrium lamp. "But I thought…" He sighed. "Never mind. I suppose it doesn't really matter anyway."

He was upset, genuinely hurt. Solana expected he might be a bit put out by her new plan, but she never dreamed it would bother him quite so much. Did he actually think he was in love with her? She mentally waved the thought away and presented a small smile.

"Irving said you could show me to my new quarters?"

"Yes, of course," he whispered.

Cullen remained silent the entire way. Every few moments, he would look over at her, obviously wanting to say something, but he never did. After they arrived at her assigned room and she laid her things on the bed, he turned to leave, but Solana put a hand on his shoulder to stop him. She had to know.

"Cullen, what was it that you thought?"

He turned to stare directly into her lapis eyes. After several seconds, he took a step toward her and bent his head until his lips were nearly touching hers. She could feel his warm breath caressing her skin, almost taste the fragrant peppermint tea he recently drank.

"I suppose I thought we could be…closer…now that you've passed your Harrowing."

"What do you mean by…closer?" she breathed.

Was it sex? Was he afraid she would leave without ever experiencing all she had to offer? Maybe he was afraid she had changed her mind. Any templar at Kinloch could attest to the fact that she was a sure thing once she took an interest in a man. Perhaps he was still a virgin and was too shy to just come out and ask. That had to be it. As she gazed deeper into his eyes, it became clearer that his desires went beyond an illicit affair. There was real affection there.

He took her delicate hands into his and caressed them with large, calloused fingers. "I…I care about you, Solana…a great deal…much more than I should. I think about you all the time. I know it's wrong, but I can't help it."

He swallowed hard before closing the gap between them and softly touching his lips to hers. Solana melted into him and entangled her fingers in the waves of his hair. She pulled him closer. The strong arms encircling her tightened as his hands moved up her back to the nape of her neck. The young mage had been kissed many times by many men and boys, but this was different. She had only been kissed like that by one other man. She shut her eyes tight.

Anders.

She recalled the night before Anders' fifth escape. The night she had been positive their encounter had been more than just sexual. He made love to her that night. She knew it, deep down in the very depths of her soul, she knew it. He had never been so passionate, so tender, so loving. But he didn't speak the words she needed to hear. He never spoke those words to her.

It wasn't real, Solana. It never was. Just as this isn't real.

She wanted to push Cullen away, to tell him to go and never bother her again, but she didn't. She simply pulled back far enough to see his eyes, to see if she could discern the lie behind that soft brown gaze. Unfortunately, the only thing she found was gentleness and…

No, she wouldn't allow herself be fooled in such a manner again. She would simply continue to play along until one or the both of them gave up the ruse. Love was only a game, after all. A distraction to pass the time. That's what Anders always said.

Cullen caressed her cheek with his thumb and smiled. "You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that."

"You have no idea how long I've wanted you to do that, Cullen," she told him with a lascivious grin.

His eyes probed hers. "Do you think this can even work? If we keep it a secret? If we're caught, it will mean a transfer for me at the very least…maybe even dismissal from the Order. And there is no telling the trouble it might bring to you."

What was he talking about? Make what work? If he wanted games, she could certainly play along. She learned from the best, after all.

"Does it really matter?" she asked.

"No," he breathed. "It doesn't. Not at all." He searched her eyes again. "So…do you still think you want to go to Ostagar?"

"What do you think?" Solana asked as she pulled him in for another kiss.

Solana's head was still spinning when Cullen finally left her to return to his duties. As she unpacked her trunk and placed the carefully folded clothes into the dressing table next to her bed, she kept going over what just occurred in her mind. The entire encounter was completely and utterly confusing.

When she and the templar were sharing their second kiss, Solana began to lift the skirt of his armor as she urged him back toward her bed. Instead of the usual compliance she was accustomed to, he stood fast and took her hands into his. He then pulled away and, gazing deep into her eyes, softly kissed her knuckles. He flashed a dimpled, boyish, half grin and told her he looked forward to seeing her at supper. Then, after placing a gentle kiss on her forehead, he circled and exited the room.

The young mage waggled her head as she organized her brushes and cosmetics inside the top drawer. What in the Maker's holy name was Cullen playing at? She was certain she made her intentions clear. How could she have made it any more plain other than just throwing him down on the bed and straddling him?

Perhaps he was too afraid they would be discovered to allow it to go any further. She felt his bulge. He was definitely interested. Maybe he was simply teasing her as payback for their earlier encounter. Anders did that on occasion.

Anders. Why couldn't she go more than half an hour without thinking of him? It had been a year since they were together. When was she ever going to be able to just let him go?

Solana grabbed the pillow from inside her trunk and hugged it to her chest. She inhaled the familiar, intoxicating scent of the healer's unique blend of natural musk, sandalwood, and spice which she convinced his friend Corbin to seal inside the cushion. The memory of the two of them lying together, their heads side by side on that pillow, reopened the same old wounds in her heart she had been trying to let heal. Fresh tears began to stain the padding to meld with the thousands that came before. How long? How long would this gut-wrenching agony go on?

He promised he wouldn't run again. He swore he would stay. How could he just lie to her face that way? Leave her like that? Why did everyone she loved leave? She thought of Jowan and the earlier conversation they had. No, he wouldn't. He couldn't abandon her. He knew what that would do to her, and he would never hurt her like that. They were all each other had, after all.

Solana glowered at the cushion clutched in her arms. And this Maker fucking thing.

She hurled it across the room where it bounced against the wall and silently landed on the stone floor. She was never going to get over Anders if she kept sleeping on that thing every night. Maybe she would go to ask Senior Enchanter Leorah for a new one.

But what if Leorah wants evidence that the old one's been destroyed?

She snatched the pillow from the floor and grasped both ends. The muscles of her biceps and forearms tightened as she began to yank the material in opposite directions. She wanted to destroy the thing, rip it into tiny pieces the way Anders had ripped apart her heart.

Just when the case began to give way, Solana stopped and fell back onto the bed. She couldn't do it. As much as she wanted to shred the Maker forsaken thing to bits, she could never cleave the memories of Anders from her mind. He was there with her, wherever she went. Always.

The mage heaved a long, forlorn sigh before tossing the pillow into the trunk next to her bed and kicking the lid shut. She would tell Leorah it got lost in the move, that it was completely destroyed by giant rats as she used it to fight them off and she was too frightened to gather the pieces. Maybe that would get enough of a laugh out of the cranky Enchanter to afford Solana a new one.

After reapplying her makeup in an effort to disguise the fact she had been crying, Solana walked out of her new quarters into the corridor. It was there that she found Jowan pacing back and forth with a worried scowl. She straightened her robes and donned the mask of indifference she had used so many times before to cover her true feelings.

"If you're not careful, your face is going to stick that way," she jested.

The apprehension in his green eyes as he turned to her gave Solana pause.

"I need your help," he told her, his voice quiet and desperate.

Her brow creased. "What's wrong, Jowan?"

He scanned the hallway. "Not here. Meet me in the chapel."

"Alright," she nodded.

Before she finished the gesture, her best friend was already headed down the hall, leaving Solana feeling dejected and dismissed. She had never seen him that way. Jowan had always been nervous and distracted, but this…this was different. There was a sadness to him, almost to the point of despondency. Her heart sank. As she watched the tail of his robes disappear around the curve of the corridor, she couldn't help but recall the first time they met.

When Solana arrived at the tower at the age of five, immediately upon meeting a seven year old Jowan, Irving ordered the two young apprentices to attend all their classes and eat all their meals together for the first week. The First Enchanter even went so far as to assign Solana the bunk beneath Jowan's in the children's dormitory. Over the following week, she grew very fond of the shy young boy and him of her. From that time forward, the two apprentices were best friends. They always told each other everything, which was why she knew he would never be so secretive unless her worst fears were coming to fruition.

Upon her arrival to the chapel, Solana crossed the marble floor to find Jowan by the small altar in the far left corner. Standing next to him was a short, homely girl with mousy brown hair wearing templar initiate's robes. The bridge of Solana's nose crinkled as the left side of her lips turned up into a sneer.

Jowan flashed a nervous smile. "Solana…I want you to meet…this is Lily."

"And?" the young mage prodded.

He exhaled a heavy breath. "Lily is the reason I've been sneaking out at night. We've been seeing each other in secret."

Solana's expression changed to one of boredom. "I realize you're shy, Jowan, but I honestly think you could do much better."

Lily huffed at the insult which caused Jowan to go into a full panic. "She didn't mean that, Lily. Solana was just joking. She's just like that."

Solana's lips curled into a smirk. "Yes, dear, it was only a joke. I'm sure you have a winning personality to make up for all that frumpiness."

Jowan's eyes glistened in the candlelight as he turned to his best friend. "Please, Solana," he implored. "Please stop. I love her. Can't you see that?"

Solana's eyes went from her friend to Lily and back again. She didn't understand what Jowan could possibly see in such a girl, but the helplessness in his green eyes caused her countenance to soften all the same. Still, there was something about that woman she just didn't trust.

The mage shrugged. "Sure, Jowan. If you say so," she relented. "So is that why I'm here? For you to profess your love for this…" She looked Lily up and down with a sour expression. "Girl?"

Lily's shoulders straightened. "Actually, Jowan and I would like to ask for your help."

"In what? Shouting it from the rooftops?" Solana snarked. "I'm afraid I'm not allowed outside just yet."

Jowan took Lily's hand into his. "No. We want to leave. To get out of the tower. The Chantry will never allow us to be together, but if we can escape…maybe we can find some place to go where they won't find us."

"Yes," Solana quipped, the fear and hurt inside her building. "Because that's worked so well for Anders all these years."

"Anders keeps getting captured because of his phylactery," Lily reasoned. "Every time he runs, Greagoir sends a message to Denerim to retrieve it. But Jowan is still an apprentice. His phylactery is here, in the basement. If we can get to it and destroy it, they'll never be able to find us."

They were actually serious. So serious, in fact, that they had obviously come up with a plan. Rage welled up in Solana's gut. It was really happening. She had her suspicions all day, but now she was forced to face the ugly truth. She was going to be alone, for the rest of her days, alone and discarded. Her mother had abandoned her when she was four. Anders had been trying to desert her for years. Now Jowan was going to leave her too.

The young mage's fingers balled into such tight fists her nails were digging into her palms. She blinked against the tears stinging her eyes. She glared at Lily. That cow was trying to steal her best friend, and Solana wasn't about to let that happen without a fight. She was going to rearrange Lily's loathsome face, punch her until no one would ever recognize her again, and there would be no healers available to help her. None that could undo the damage Solana was about to inflict anyway. The only two who would be able to it were either gone or locked in the dungeon. So what if it pissed Jowan off? He was leaving anyway. Obviously they were never as close as she thought.

She clenched her jaw and gritted her teeth. Her chest rose and fell with her labored breaths. Her lids narrowed as she glowered at the woman who wanted to take the only person left in her life for whom she truly cared.

Her lapis eyes moved to Jowan's reluctant ones as he silently begged her to at least listen. As much as she hated him at that moment, hated the both of them, she couldn't help but love him. Her anger began to dwindle, but didn't leave her entirely. She wasn't about to give in without some sort of fight, and she was damned if she was going to aid him in his ridiculous bid to leave her.

"So I'm supposed to risk my neck so you two can run away together? Why would I do this?"

Jowan gave her a sheepish grin. "For the knowledge that you made your best friend happy?" Her deepening glare prompted his face to contort into an anguished expression. "They're going to make me tranquil, Solana."

She sucked in a long, uneven breath. Not that again. "I thought we had gone over that already, Jowan."

He waggled his head. "No. I'm serious. Lily found the missive on Greagoir's desk. Irving approved the rite this morning."

"It's true," Lily confirmed. "I saw it with my own eyes."

"They'll take away everything," Jowan pleaded. "My hopes, my dreams, my love for Lily…you."

Solana's ire deflated completely as the words finally sank in. She pictured seeing her best friend wandering the corridors with the brand of the Tranquil tattooed into his brow. There would be no more nervous, twiddling fingers fumbling with the front of his robes as he questioned his every word before speaking. No more anguished expressions. No more self-deprecating. No more Jowan. He would be an empty shell, an animated corpse there only to do the templar's bidding. She sighed as she resolved herself to the fact that she had to help him. What else could she do? She was going to lose him either way.

The mage nodded dejectedly. "What do you need of me?"

As Lily laid out their plan, Solana got the nagging feeling that it was all going to go horribly wrong. It was like something a child would devise. She was to retrieve a rod of fire from the stockroom which would melt the locks to the apprentice's phylactery chamber. Then, Jowan would destroy his phylactery, and they would escape. It sounded simple enough, but Solana knew nothing was ever that easy.

Doc never denied the fact that he was an asshole, and he always regretted that he treated Solana so badly. He really did a number on her, that's for certain. It's no wonder he and Cullen hated each other for so many years. Cullen says he always kind of suspected she felt that way back then, but he couldn't help but love her.

-G