A/N: I know I'm late, but happy birthday, M! I can't count all the different scenarios we've talked about since I sent you that DM on Twitter back in early 2021, but I know we've talked about Gone Baby Gone many, many times. So this is for you :) *insert heart emoji here*.
At first I was supposed to follow canon, but then I realized how much I miss writing non-established romantic Rolivia. So this happened instead and here we are.
…
Amanda had known Olivia Benson for roughly six months when she heard her laugh for the first time. Not like a chuckle or a short scoff, but a real, actual belly laugh. Six months.
Up until then, it had been so easy, or at least not entirely impossible, to compartmentalize her feelings. She looked up to her, saw her as a potential mentor. She had just made some huge changes in her life, crossed several state lines to get away from Atlanta, and start over. So it was completely natural to feel… confused. Right?
Plus, for the most part, Olivia treated her like, well, as if she didn't necessarily like her. Which helped in seeing their relationship as strictly professional. No talk of personal stuff. No nonsense.
Yeah, up until she heard that laugh, it was at least possible to pretend that whatever she was feeling, it was nothing more than admiration. After a few drinks, maybe she could've admitted that the admiration was more like a crush. A silly, school girl crush.
And then she heard her laugh.
The joke wasn't even funny. And even if she could remember what made them crack, she wouldn't have wanted to repeat it.
But they were overtired, overworked, high on caffeine and low on blood sugar. A perfect storm of sorts that lead to the two of them hunched over, downright cackling in the squad car at 2 am.
For six months she had mastered the art of compartmentalizing whatever that feeling was, and now, nearly six years later, she had mastered the art of pretending like those feelings weren't even there. Like her stomach didn't flutter every time she heard her voice. Or how her arms would be covered with goosebumps if Olivia accidentally brushed up against her.
Like her heart wasn't shattered when they lost her, and they had no way of knowing where she was or if she was ever coming back. As if she didn't cry from the deepest relief in the locker room when they got the call that she was alive.
Nearly six years later, she could tell herself that she loved her like this because they were friends. Friends on the way of becoming close friends. At least it felt like that, on good days. The key, she had figured, was always knowing what Olivia needed her to be. Some days, she needed a close friend. Others, she just needed a detective she could trust.
Today was not, however. A good day. And she had no idea what Olivia needed her to be. But Amanda was ready. Ready to be… well, whatever, really. Anything and everything.
…
"I bet we can stop and get pancakes."
And that was exactly what they did. But only after driving for two hours. And only after multiple long and worried stares from the front seat where Amanda was looking at Olivia through the mirror, and finding the same thing every time; Her boss, clutching Noah's hand, turning to look out the window for a moment and then back at her son, like she still couldn't believe that he was actually there, and that they were both ok, and back together.
"I'm worried about her." She mumbled to Carisi as they entered the diner, glancing back at the duo walking a few feet behind them.
"She just needs some time." He responded with his voice lowered. "She'll be fine."
But that was the problem. Olivia was always fine. No matter what happened. No matter what life threw at her, she was always fine. And nothing worried Amanda more.
…
"Is grandma Sheila going away for a long time?" Noah asked after watching the waitress write down their order before leaving them alone in their booth.
"That's-" Olivia started before she stopped to clear her throat, clearly uncomfortable. "I don't know. That's for a judge to decide."
"Can we visit?"
When Amanda noticed how the brunette was struggling to answer, she reached across the table to grab Noah's hand, and with her soft voice said "not for a while, honey. And I know it's a little confusing right now, but we'll try and answer all the questions you have, ok?"
He gave her a nod, looking like he was accepting her response and the comfort that came with it. And when she continued talking, his face lit up.
"But you wanna know who you can see pretty soon?" Amanda said with a big grin, still holding his hand and giving it a squeeze before letting go. "Frannie and Jesse."
"Can I see them tonight?" He asked, his big and hopeful eyes moving from the blonde and over to his mother. "Mom?"
Again, Olivia cleared her throat, swallowing the lump that suddenly felt like something of the size of a grape fruit. "Sure." She eventually smiled as her tears threatened to spill. "If that's ok with aunt Amanda."
He turned back to said aunt then, his eyes still as big and still as hopeful.
"I'll bring them over for a sleepover tonight." Amanda smiled, followed by a wink as she lifted her glass to clink it against his, making him beam.
It felt like a relief, sharing a brief moment of happiness, like she could finally breathe properly again. But when their food arrived and her attention shifted back to Olivia, she felt her heart sink.
She wanted to reach across the table, to grab the brunette's hands. She wanted to tell her that everything was ok. That in a few hours, they'd be back in the city and Noah would be sound asleep in his own bed, surrounded by his real family.
But she knew that if she did that, if she did anything, the other woman would break. And she also knew that Olivia was currently doing everything in her power to keep it together in front of her son. So she mindlessly picked at her food instead, listening to Noah and Carisi ranking super heroes, deciding that right now, Olivia just needed them to sit like this.
Until-
"I just need to use the bathroom." The brunette mumbled suddenly, leaving their booth and her plate of untouched blueberry pancakes.
With worried eyes, she watched as Olivia moved towards the restrooms, instinctively knowing that tears were already running down her face. And essentially, it was the mental image of the other woman crying alone in a bathroom that made Amanda act without giving it a second thought.
"I- I actually have to go too." She said, eyeing Carisi for a moment, wordlessly asking "you got this?", getting a quick nod in return.
…
She braced herself as her hand wrapped around the door handle, realizing that she really had no idea what to expect when she eventually opened it. Maybe Olivia wanted to be left alone. Or, maybe she really did just need to pee. But Amanda had a pretty good streak of trusting her gut, so while straightening herself up, she finally stepped inside. And when she did, her eyes immediately landed on the woman standing no more than eight feet away, hunched over the middle sink.
The room was quiet, but Olivia's shoulders gave it away; The simple fact that she was standing there, crying silently.
"Liv-" Amanda murmured, her voice soft as she moved towards her with careful steps. "Liv, it's ok."
"No-" Olivia responded, shaking her head while keeping it lowered. "No, it's not." It sounded like she was speaking through clenched teeth, like she was using all of her energy to stay somewhat composed. But less than a moment later she was gasping for air, grabbing the edge of the sink so hard that Amanda worried she would break it. "I just- I should've-" She tried, constantly cut off by her heaving lungs.
"Hey, Liv, you need to breathe." Amanda said, moving closer to place a hand against the other woman's back. "Just breathe."
"I can't-" The brunette cried, throwing her head back before it fell forward yet again. "I almost lost him."
"But you didn't." She said, taking hold of Olivia's shoulders so she could turn her towards herself. "You didn't lose him. We found him. You found him."
Getting nothing except a few gasps and a lost expression in response, Amanda did the only thing she could and pulled her into a tight embrace, holding all of her; The guilt, the trauma, the lingering anxiety, the feeling that the absolute worst had happened. She held all of it, knowing that she couldn't take it away, but at least she could give her this. A safe place to let it all out.
"I'm here." She whispered, moving one hand to the back of Olivia's head, running her fingers through brown hair, while repeating those words over and over again. "I'm here."
She didn't know how long they stood like that, but eventually the brunette's gasps and sobs turned into muffled sighs, until she finally relaxed fully into Amanda's arms, whispering a small, but heartfelt "thank you" before burying her face in the crook of the other woman's neck.
…
Hours later, it was as if Olivia's breakdown in that restroom never happened. Not because she pretended that everything was fine as soon as they drove into the city, or seemed to be ashamed or bothered by it, but because children have a way of being the simplest and yet greatest comfort during hard times.
And this night, it felt almost sacred; The way they sat in silence, sipping their tea, watching Jesse and Noah play with a set of toy cars on the floor. Noah, home and unharmed, looking like it was just a regular day.
Except it wasn't.
"My grandma was put in a car like this today." Noah commented, holding up the police car that was almost the size of his hand, making Jesse's eyes widen, as she looked from him to the toy.
"Honey-" Olivia started, leaning over to get her son's attention. But just as she opened her mouth to speak again, Amanda placed a hand on her shoulder.
"Just let him talk." She said gently, nodding towards their kids, reassuring the brunette with a smile.
"Was she bad?" Jesse asked, grabbing the police car when Noah held it out for her.
"No." He shrugged, shifting his attention to a fire truck. "I think she just wasn't feeling good." And with a half-smile, he turned his head. "Right, mom?"
Olivia simply nodded at first, clearing her throat. "Right, honey." And with a quiet sigh, she eventually fell back against the cushions, for the first time that day looking like there was at least a small part of her thinking that maybe they would be ok.
…
That part about compartmentalizing feelings? Or ignoring them all together? That part came to a screeching halt later in the night. First, when they stood side by side in the doorway to Noah's bedroom, watching their kids sleep; Noah in his bed with Eddie tucked under his chin, and Jesse on the spare mattress, holding the somewhat worn out stuffed animal that Olivia had given her right after she was born.
They stood there in silence for several moments before she heard it; The way Olivia's breath hitched, like she was trying to physically fight her own exhaustion.
But in lieu of using her words as comfort, Amanda simply grabbed her hand instead, squeezing it tightly, all while realizing how after this day, it was becoming near impossible to ignore how deep her feelings actually went. How much she cared. How much she wanted to be more than just a friend, on good days just as much as the bad.
"We should get some sleep." Olivia eventually mumbled, pulling Amanda from her thoughts as she let go of her hand and carefully closed the door to her son's bedroom, leaving it slightly ajar before moving back towards the living room where she started to clean up all the toys spread out on the floor.
After watching her for a few seconds, Amanda stepped over and grabbed one of the cars from the other woman's hand. "I've got this." She murmured, giving Olivia a smile. "Go to bed."
There was a moment then, a drawn out, silent moment. One of those moments that makes you hold your breath while your brain goes all cloudy and weird, and you're not exactly sure what's happening. Time seemed to pause, and as Amanda froze, gazing into brown and somewhat glossy eyes, Olivia seemed to move in a little closer. At least it felt like that; Closer and closer until she could feel shallow breaths against her skin. Closer and closer, until-
"Uhm, do you have a spare toothbrush by the way?" She heard herself ask, surprised that she was able to say anything at all. "I forgot."
"Yeah." Olivia said, gulping, making Amanda question if the moment had been nothing more than a figment of her own imagination, or if the brunette had felt it too.
Maybe she did, because when Amanda announced that she would be sleeping on the couch, she was sure that she could see a mix of relief and disappointment on her face. And even if she was imagining things, she was convinced that the latter emotion seemed to be just a bit more evident. Maybe.
Or maybe not, she thought, twenty minutes later and lying underneath two blankets, twisting and turning. Maybe they were just feeling too many things tonight, overwhelmed and sleep deprived and out of balance in more ways than one.
She sighed into the empty room, turning on her side once again while closing her eyes. Forcing herself to let it go, whatever it was that just happened in Olivia's living room. Forcing herself to accept that this, what they had right now, would have to suffice. The occasional sleepovers with the kids, the good days where it felt like they had each other's backs. It had to be enough. And tomorrow? If Olivia needed her to just be a detective she could trust? That would have to be enough, too.
…
Based on how foggy her head felt when the sound of footsteps and someone opening the refrigerator woke her up, she realized that she probably hadn't slept for more than an hour. Blinking and squinting to take in her surroundings, she reminded herself of where she was as she hoisted herself up on her elbows, peering towards the kitchen where Olivia was quietly moving around, seemingly looking for something in the top cabinet.
"Liv?" She whispered from the couch as her eyes adjusted to the dark room. "You ok?"
"I'm sorry." Olivia whispered back. "I didn't mean to wake you."
"You didn't." Amanda lied, shrugging as she lifted herself up fully. "I couldn't really sleep, just been drifting in and out of it."
"Yeah-" The other woman scoffed as she found what she was looking for, pulling out a box of Advil. "I don't think sleep is something I'll be getting much of in the foreseeable future."
The tremble in her voice was almost tangible, and really the only reason Amanda needed to move from the couch and join Olivia in the kitchen.
"I'm fine." The brunette mumbled before taking a swig from the water bottle she was holding, swallowing her pills.
"No, you're not." Amanda protested, folding her arms while leaning against the counter. "And you have every right not to be."
"I should've known better." Olivia said then, throwing her arms out to express her frustration, but keeping her voice lowered to avoid waking the kids.
"Hey." The blonde responded, taking a step towards her before reaching out to grab her by the wrist. "You've got to stop blaming yourself."
"But-"
"No." She shook her head while grabbing Olivia's other hand too. "It wasn't your fault. And he's safe. He's ok."
"I just-" The other woman whispered, looking down at their joint hands. "I just wanted him to have a family. But maybe it was just me being selfish."
"You weren't being selfish." Amanda said, finally wrapping her arms around her. "You've wanted to be a part of a family all your life. And I know you want the same for Noah. For what it's worth. We are more than happy to be your family. I know it's not blood, but-"
"I know." Olivia interrupted with a mumble, relaxing into the hug and resting her head on Amanda's shoulder.
She had to fight her own tears then, doing her best to ignore that lump in her throat as she held her for the second time that day. Suddenly dreading the fact that she would eventually have to let go. Suddenly having the urge to hold her like this forever. And maybe that's why she, after what felt like a small eternity, turned slightly and carefully pressed her lips to Olivia's cheek. Adding a whispered "you're not alone", just because she needed to prolong it, this newfound intimacy between them.
What she didn't expect, what she hadn't seen coming at all, was the sound Olivia made when she kissed her. Or the way she almost, kind of, signaled for her to do it again. Or the way she moved slightly, so that Amanda's lips were just an inch away from the corner of her mouth.
"Thank you." The brunette said then. And that, as simple as that statement was, surprised Amanda more than anything because there was so much vulnerability in her frail voice. Like she was suddenly allowed in to witness this hidden, secret side of Olivia. A side that she knew very few people had been allowed to witness in the past.
"Anything you need." She heard herself murmur, pressing another careful kiss to her cheek. "And I'm here."
"Anything?" Came the unexpected, barely audible response, causing an odd tension to creep in between them. Not the bad kind, however. The kind that makes your heart gallop and pound in your chest.
She nodded slowly, brushing her lips against the other woman's skin. Balancing dangerously close to the line that separates friends from something else entirely. "Anything."
Heart racing, thoughts racing, everything felt like it was racing at that moment, when she kissed the corner of her mouth, or rather ghosted it with her own. Waiting. Breathing. Overthinking. Overthinking until Olivia finally turned her head, moving their lips together and making it impossible for her to think at all.
She nearly collapsed into the kiss at first, letting out a sound of approval as she was pressed tighter against the brunette, consumed by how it felt to be pressed up against this particular woman. But even without a single coherent thought in her head, she was still, much to her dismay, able to notice that hint of agony in the pit of her stomach.
"No-" She mumbled, shaking her head, fighting every instinct, every aching, screaming need in her body, as she pulled away abruptly. "This… This isn't right."
"It didn't feel wrong?" Olivia responded with a hesitant smile.
"No, no, it didn't." Amanda said, grabbing the other woman's hand. "That's not what I meant. But you just went through something awful, you're exhausted. And I shouldn't have done that. I feel like I'm taking advantage-"
"Amanda-" The brunette said, almost sounding like she wanted to laugh, closing the distance between them. "Did it feel like I didn't want it to happen?"
She desperately wanted to be the rational, responsible grownup here. She wanted to prove to Olivia that she could have some sense of impulse control for once. But more than anything else, she really just wanted to kiss her again.
"No." She finally breathed, just as her lips found Olivia's for the second time.
…
There was a lot of tongue after that. Like, a lot. Up against the kitchen counter, and then the island, before they ended up on the couch, Olivia straddling Amanda's lap. And that's when hands entered the mix, eager and yet careful, fingertips brushing against warm skin, goosebumps and soft moans. And there were boobs, too. And it's not like Amanda had never touched boobs before, but these were Olivia's.
This was her. And every touch, every sound, just felt so overwhelmingly beautiful and monumental.
"I really want to invite you into my bedroom right now." Olivia mumbled in between two kisses, wasting no time trying to catch her breath. "But-"
"But there's a good chance that we would be interrupted." Amanda said, finishing her sentence with an understanding smile, sounding equally breathless as she slowed down what her hands were doing underneath the other woman's shirt.
"Exactly."
"So… let's wait." The blonde shrugged, finding that after pushing aside her feelings for six, almost seven years? Waiting seemed like the easiest thing in the world. Waiting for something more to actually happen wasn't just easy. It felt like a privilege.
"You sure?"
"Yeah. I am." She nodded, still smiling. "Besides, we do need to sleep at some point. Like, actually sleep."
"Then we'll do just that." Olivia said, caressing Amanda's cheek while leaning down to place a single, soft peck against her lips. "But in my bed, together?"
"And if one of the kids comes in?"
"Then they'll come in."
…
And, of course they did. Two hours later, Noah climbed his way into the bed with them, clutching Eddie tight to his chest while getting settled between the two women. Thirty minutes later, Jesse joined them, too.
And while admittedly a little dazed and confused when she woke up to find three people in her bed, two of them snuggled between them while Amanda's outstretched hand was holding hers, Olivia realized for the first time in her life, that she had everything she needed, right here.
…