Chapter 7: I won´t judge

Dark clouds in the western skies promised no good and it was time to bring the boat into a safe mooring for the night. And because they had intended on passing the Recken-channel to reach the connected lake of Plau, the narrow part of waters framed by bushes and walls would provide a better shelter than the open yacht-harbour.

Anna didn´t like thunderstorms. Luckily, up to now only rain was literally gushing down from dimmed lit sky. The rolling sound of thunder was far away, and Kristoff assumed it would pass more northly and they might not get contact with the storms. Very well, if he said so, Anna tried to believe it and fought her doubts and anxiety. And above all she tried hard to hide her nervous flinches, whenever the boat was shaken by the hard winds.

Kristoff had noticed, that is, but he didn´t intend to shame her by teasing. So, he tended to the safety of the vessel by fixing all necessary parts outside and closing the entrance-cover for their shelter from the raging rain. After that they prepared dinner like any other evening.

It was Anna´s turn to choose a movie for the night´s entertainment. And when they washed off the dishes together, Kristoff couldn´t restrain a certain tease and suggested playfully that they could watch "The storm" with George Clooney, grinning roguishly. Anna stuck out her tongue in return and punched his upper arm just as fiercely as she felt mocked. She grinned prettily satisfied when Kristoff winced in dramatic played out pain, rubbing the spot like his arm was about to fall off.

"Okay," Anna held up her wet hands in defence, "I think we´re even, alright?" She extended her hand to Kristoff, dripping soap over their feet, just for him to return the gesture and to vigorously shake it in response.

They settled behind the table, on this evening with a nice cup of hot herbal tea and some cookies, and Anna had found the perfect compromise between some catastrophic, romantic, and drama genre. It was just THE thing to watch on a night like this and so, Kristoff braced himself bravely for two hours of Kate Winslet and Leonardo di Caprio venturing on the ship of all times, the "TITANIC". Kristoff had of course seen the movie before and normally, to him that was sufficient. But Anna seemed to be all thrilled and exhilarated about that blockbuster, so he agreed with a smirk upon her proposal.

And while the wind howled outside, at some point the great ship on screen started to sink cruelly slow and though so fast into the icy northern Atlantic. Anna had by now huddled up to his side like a wincing puppy. Her chin rested on her knees; arms flicked around her legs like she had to warm herself while simply watching the poor people paddling frantically in the freezing waters. Kristoff wondered about how strong this story affected her emotions. Honestly, it was just a movie… But then, observing her reaction was better than the film itself. He could tell exactly what was happening on screen without even looking at the notebook. Her sighing, her huffing shoulders, her stretching neck and murmuring tender words along with Rose and then holding her hands to her chest and staring wide eyed to the actors´ drama; this all was a scenery worth an Oscar nomination. But of course, it was all a girl thing. Still, to Kristoff it was simply a movie, though admittingly a great masterwork of technics and special effects.

By the end, Anna sat sobbing with a tissue to her eyes, sniffing out loud. Kristoff was a bit at a loss of how to act out now on this. Should he comfort her? But it was just a movie! This had not happened before; with the comedies they had watched till now. Why was she so moved?

It dawned on him. Old Rose had thrown the dreaded stone away, and before that – when she was young – she had followed her heart´s desire and jumped off that safety boat to be with Jack and not with that nasty posh guy with stupidly slicked-back hair. The redhaired heroine had jumped off that pathetic first-class world, to step into her own world all by herself, while frosty Jack laid on the ground of the Atlantic. And what, if Anna had seen herself jumping of that bed again, escaping deceitful Hans… Well, after all, that was for sure the bravest and greatest masterpiece of time!

Goodness, what was happening to him, that he would start looking for sense in this Hollywood drama?! Kristoff sat in thought, THIS certainly had not happened to him before. Well, not since a very long time, a time that he had abandoned to the far backend of his mind.

She was still sobbing, though a bit less than before. Still, Kristoff felt like he needed to show some notice. So, he handed Anna another tissue, asking quietly.

"Are you alright?"

Anna took the handkerchief from him with a grateful nod and an attempt of a smile, her swollen eyes brimmed all red. She looked a bit shaken.

"Yes, thank you." She blew her nose and started to fiddle with the tissue between her fingers. "I´m sorry. I should have known better. Those sorts of movies make me go all whiny."

"No need to apologize. That´s fine for me, as long as I don´t ask me to start crying, too."

Anna snickered with a hiccup and waved a dismissing hand.

"No. Of course not. You know what? Tomorrow, you choose some action movie, and I will hand you a tissue when your hero dies."

Kristoff crossed his arms in front of his chest and grinned.

"That won´t happen. My heroes don´t die."

"Why not?" Anna wiped her nose on her arm.

"Because I only watch movies, where such a thing won´t happen."

"What´s wrong with some tragedy?"

"I don´t like it."

Bless him… He´s a softie inside… I knew it!

"Honestly, you may go ahead and cry. I won´t judge!"

"But I don´t want to cry!" By now, Kristoff frowned with a certain frustration on his face.

Anna couldn´t help but giggle, covering her mouth with a hand, while her cheerfulness had returned.

"I´m sorry, you should see your face…" She stopped short when Kristoff stood abruptly and left in a rush to get out into the rainy night.

Anna sat all baffled.

Oh no. What had she done? She didn´t mean to upset him! What nerve had she hit? The young woman remained numb on her spot, and uncertain of what to do. Should she follow him outside? No. He´d feel hunted. Anna felt a bit at a loss, and bad…

She glanced around and decided to clear the table of their cinema session. She cleansed the cups and plates and stored the cookie packs into the shelf. And when she wanted to shut down the notebook, Anna closed the Netflix window, just to notice the chronicles on the side menu.

Mostly you tube-links:

Mozart-Variations modern

Nutcracker a Christmas performance

Hamlet21 a modern act

Beethoven project classic meets modern

Giselle classical ballet night

Anna had sat down again and stared at the screen, the well-known titles glaring back at her. Could it be that Kristoff had watched these clips? Anna opened the first link (Mozart variations) and her heart skipped a beat.

It was Olaf and her in Arendelle. That had been a great work, she remembered. Then, Anna clicked through the other links, most of them were recent posts with Olaf and she smiled at thought that Kristoff had apparently seen them out of interest for what she was doing? But then she hit the last title and her spirit dropped… Hans as the prince in Giselle, back at Stuttgart. A sudden hit of repulse took her good mood underground and Anna quickly closed the internet site.

So, Kristoff had seen him, according to the date it had been on Sunday. It wouldn´t matter anyway. Apparently, he wanted to know more about her life. And what about his life? Why would this big man get frustrated when being teased about this typical "male-female-thing" of weeping over a movie?

Anna wanted to find out, but with respect and honest interest. So, she went outside to be met by the warm summer wind and rain, which both had meanwhile faded to a low brise and silent dripping. Where was he? Then, out of the corner of her eye she noticed the hunched figure. Kristoff sat huddled up against the ship-cover side, sheltered from the wind. Anna turned to lower herself quietly and sit silently with him.

"I´m sorry," she said, blinking against the warm summer raindrops, "I didn´t want to make fun of you, please believe me."

"Anna, I know that. It´s not your fault."

"But you seem upset. And if I´ve said something…"

"I said, it´s not your fault. I just can´t do this sort of thing."

"What sort of thing?"

"This ´let´s have fun on costs of others´- thing…"

"Why on costs of others? I´m sorry, I don´t understand."

"For example; ´go ahead and weep, I won´t judge´."

Anna gasped and felt terribly confused and worried now.

"So, it is about what I´ve said after all! I´m so sorry, really!" She exclaimed, holding out her hands in exaggeration. She really wanted Kristoff to know that she didn´t mean so.

He didn´t look at her, just kept staring into the distance, sighing to stop her outburst.

"No Anna. It´s what others have said a long time ago, it has nothing to do with you. Your words just hammered the memory back to presence, which is annoying, but not your fault."

Anna´s heart pounded in her chest. There was something wrong and she didn´t want to mess this up. So, she sat in silence, nodding, and wrapping her arms around her pulled up legs, resting her chin on her knees with her face turned towards the tall blonde and friendly man next to her. She was ready to listen.

Kristoff was grateful for her company. Anna was vigour and liveliness in person, but she could also be so tenderly, soft, and motherly caring. If anyone would understand – next to his best friend and family – she would, he was confident about this, and that realisation gave him the boost to proceed.

"When I was little, I would cry, you know. I cried when I detected a bird lying dead in the gardens on an early morning, or when another kid hurt his knee and got scolded for falling in the first place, or if someone shouted at me or someone else for failing in their chores or duties. You could compare the orphanage with a great schoolyard, filled with people from all over the places with no home to go to, and the educators were helplessly overwhelmed with the lot. And then, I got judged. They said, a boy doesn´t cry, unless he´s a sissy. Then, they called me "Krissy-sissy" … Today I guess that I was the perfect ventil for the other kids to get their frustration and anger offloaded…"

Anna sat in a stare, completely shocked. How cruel, how diminishing. Anger rose in her chest, and when Kristoff turned to look at her, something within her clenched for a brief moment. That expression, openly hurt.

Kristoff continued speaking, "It´s okay you know. Sorry for bothering you with that rubbish. I mean this is all so long ago. My family later told me time and time again that emotions are natural, and feelings are the sign of being alive at all. But for some reason, those memories pop up any time…"

"This is certainly NOT okay Kristoff!" Anna exclaimed loudly. "I believe we are all allowed to cry, girls AND boys. And seriously, THAT IS part of being alive, your parents were so right."

"I know."

And then, Anna realised why he had come out to retreat in the rainy wind. With the raindrops on your face, one could not see any tears mingling… She couldn´t help but feel all genuine affection at this very moment. So, she remained seated silent, just the companion, understanding the dreadful suffer of demoralizing recollections.

"I´m sorry if I´ve scared you last night…"

Kristoff poured some coffee into their mugs, and Anna had just finished toasting their morning bagels.

"Don´t worry, you didn´t. You surely noticed me being the queen of drama, right?" She shrugged and smiled sheepishly, being answered by a grateful smirk in return.

"You know, Sven is the only one with whom I´ve ever shared this story with, outside of my family that is. And you…"

Anna sat down, looking seriously abashed.

"I will keep it with respect and all to myself, I promise. Trust me, I know what it means to keep humiliating remembrance to oneself."

Kristoff nodded slowly. "Yes, I know."

"By the way," Anna huffed her shoulders, "I feel the need of telling you that I´ve come across your chronicles while closing the screen windows on your notebook last night. I felt somewhat flattered that you have listed those posts of my performances. I´m sorry, didn´t intend to flick around your files…" Anna gnawed on her lips, not sure if that had been a wise thing to say.

Kristoff smirked, blushing a little, and shrugged easily, apparently not appalled about her confession.

"Yep. Well, that was pure curiosity on my behalf. And I must admit that I found this all quite amazing. I´ve never seen anything alike, and I´d like to confess that your Olaf suits you on stage."

Anna smiled genuinely flabbergasted by that praise.

"Yes, he´s a great partner indeed. Technically and personally, like I´ve told you. Nice you could tell. But then, you´ve seen that scene out of "Giselle", with Hans…"

"Yes…" Kristoff hit the bagel in his hand with the knife just a bit harder than usual, and cut it in two pieces with one sharp strike, "I didn´t like him for some reason even before you´ve told me… well, you know… And recalling, I believe to have sensed his slimy selfishness, don´t ask me why…"

Anna bit her lips, blinking with sparkling eyes, feeling like them both plotting up against malicious Mr. Westergaard. She curled her lips, thinking of topping the conspiracy with a playful strike.

"But you didn´t cry, did you?"

Kristoff´s head snapped up, and he narrowed his eyes with a smirk, just to throw his napkin into her face.