Chapter 11: You feel what you feel
Note: Lots of feelings…
Mathias waited outside, calling his wife to inform her about the relieving news.
Kristoff had been called to see Anna. Now, he stood in front of the door to her room and his heart pounded in his chest like a hammering fist. So, she was okay, was she? They had said so. Would she be glad to see him? What if he was a stress to her and she preferred to be left alone? But then, he scolded himself for this fuss. Anna didn´t like to be alone… So, he knocked shortly on the door and entered the room.
It was a two-bed room, an elderly lady occupied the bed near the window, she was reading a book, nodding kindly towards Kristoff when she noticed his approach.
Then he saw her. Anna was asleep, her breath evenly and with her chest heaving and sinking barely visible and calmly, and her face appeared relaxed and just as peaceful. A flood of overwhelming gratitude hushed through the young man´s core, by now comprehending that this radiant girl was truly out of danger.
He stepped closer and stored Anna´s bag into the nightstand drawer, then pulled the chair closer to sit at her side. Her hair had been opened and laid like a crown around her head. She was wearing one of those hospital nightgowns and there was an oxygen probe in her nose, which was surely to help her breathe. An IV was attached to her left wrist and an oxygen meter was clipped to her left index finger. The monitoring machine on the wall peeped regularly and the numbers and signs changed frequently on the display. It didn´t say anything to the simple visitor by Anna´s bed.
The young man sat quietly, watching dreamingly her slumber, and by an impulse, Kristoff instinctively reached over and held Anna´s slender hand, gently and careful. The young woman´s eyelids fluttered open slightly at the tender touch, and after a short while Anna looked at the man sitting next to her with tired but smiling eyes. She tried to speak, but her lips seemed somewhat numb. So, she smacked them, her face contorting with the effort of forming articulation.
Kristoff leaned in to scoot closer to her face and whispered soothingly.
"Hey Anna."
There was not much more he could say. He pulled her hand to his chest and with his other hand he traced gentle fingers along her arm. He swallowed his anxiety and spoke to her again.
"Don´t worry. They say you´re going to be fine. You need rest, after…" His voice faltered and he just wearily smiled at her, continuing his working fingers along her underarm and still holding her hand, the movement replacing the words. And his heart squeezed for a jiffy with exhilaration when Anna squeezed his hand in return, just ever so slight and soft, returning his gesture in comprehension.
Kristoff can tell that she was troubled keeping her eyes open, all drowsy and for sure exhausted and sedated by all the medication she had been applicated. He smiled at her with all he got to offer, reassuringly nodding for her to get back to sleep. And it was then, that Anna whispered some incoherently words, so that Kristoff stretched his neck to understand what she tried to say.
"Thank you… I´m sorry…" She sighed dreamingly and pulled her lips to a slight smile. "Can´t talk so well. But Kristoff…" She paused for a moment, looking at him with shining eyes, "don´t cruise off without me, will you?"
The young man stared at her. Incredible, but she was joking, the woman was amazing. He chuckled quietly and shook his head feverishly. Of course, he would not do that! Anna´s smile broadened, and she smacked her lips again to speak slowly in a whispered tone.
"Kristoff… Thank you for holding me before. It felt so safe… "
In his chest, the hammering had restarted, and he had to fight back his tears, not wanting to appear weak and stupid in front of that brave girl. But when Anna squeezed his hand again, he couldn´t restrain some tears trailing down his cheeks. And this moved the young woman´s heart, warming her aching body and caressing her soul.
Kristoff´s mind spun, and he thought of loving words coming from his heart to tell her, but with no success. They got stuck in his throat.
And Anna, with a tender smile still on her rosy lips, drifted back into a dreamy sleep.
"I will tell you before we get home… I will not wait 34 years… I promise!"
They were on their way back to town and Mathias invited the young man over to their house, so he would not have to spend the evening alone, all brooding. That was very kind, indeed, and Kristoff truly appreciated the offer. But he needed some time for himself. Besides, he needed to make a phone call, and then, he just wanted to rest.
Still, Mathias and Halima insisted that their young friend should at least have coffee and something hearty to eat after all. Kristoff didn´t have much of a choice and at the end he admittingly thanked the kind woman for her hospitality and generosity. He had learned that Halima had covered the costs at the restaurant, and she had saved Anna´s shopping bag. He wanted to pay off the depts to her, but she waved him off with a stern expression. She would not hear any of it! Mathias had laughed and winked at Kristoff, didn´t he just have a remarkable wife?!
On top of all that goodness this awesome couple had shown, Mathias suggested that Kristoff could borrow their car the next day, to pick up Anna by himself. They would not need it, and because they lived close to the harbour, it would take only a few minutes to walk the way. This left the young mechanic speechless, and he stood mouth agape, overwhelmed by such kindness. For sure, Anna would have the spontaneous jovial answer to them, but he lacked such natural ability. Still, he stammered his thanks and then left for the boat, and Anna´s shopping bag was leisurely dangling at his side.
It was terrible. The boat felt so empty, so quiet, too quiet.
Still, Kristoff appreciated the solitude to himself, to overthink the moment and rewind the day, which took him on a rollercoaster of emotions. He reached for his mobile and halted for a moment. His friend had said to only call again with good news… But then, he didn´t want to distress his parents… Sven would understand, if not him, who else…? So, he typed the number, sighing while waiting… It didn´t take long and a crack was heard in the line and his best friend answered the call with a cheerful voice.
"Hey buddy what´s up? How´s Mrs. Bjorgman doing?"
Kristoff stared at the phone. Of course, Sven couldn´t know and he was teasing out of habit… Kristoff shook his head and gulped, gathering his nerves to explain.
"Anna´s at the hospital!"
"Oh! I´m sorry man! Tell me, what happened!" Sven had calmed his voice, clearly concerned. Yes, that was his friend!
And Kristoff told of the day, how they went shopping, and how Anna had bought him a tie. A tie! And then the nice and peaceful time they had, waiting for the food… And then… And that´s when Kristoff faltered and continued retelling his best buddy with a shaking voice. Of Ann´s shock, how he had tried to help, how some kind man had taken him to the hospital, because he was denied of joining his girl in the ambulance car. He calmed at some point and told Sven about the waiting time in the emergency area and of the relief he felt when the all-clear was out. And then, Anna was better, asleep right now and how peaceful she had appeared when he was granted seeing her. When he finished, he let out a heavy sigh, ran a hand over his face and apologised to his friend for the bombarding words.
But there was an understanding silence on the other end of the line, and Sven answered as the friend and companion.
"Hey Kristoff. Thank you so much for calling me. This is heavy stuff I hear from you, and I´m really sorry I´m not around to give you a tight hug, seriously, man." Sven himself sighed in return, trying to get together what he had just heard.
"How are you?"
Kristoff didn´t quite understand what his comrade meant and shrugged.
"Oh, I´m fine. Everyone was so helpful and friendly and now that she´s safe, I can relax again."
Sven chortled silently, repeating his question this time more emphasized.
"No Kristoff. What I wonder is, how are you? I sense there is more to it, than a faint acquaintance has had a slight accident or the kind. What´s this doing to you?"
Kristoff sat staring at the wall. His friend waited because Sven knew his buddy and understood this was difficult, but it was important. So, he waited patiently… And Kristoff knew his friend was integrity personised, and that´s why he could let it out.
And so, he cried… After a while, he regained his composure and explained quietly.
"Sven! She nearly died, and it was my fault. I mean it had been my idea to order that plate of shellfish… Dam it! Just think, what if… "
"Hey Kristoff, stop! This is NOT your fault, and you know it. How could you know that she´s going to suffer an anaphylactic shock if the girl herself wasn´t aware of this? I understand you feel guilty, but you must stop blaming yourself, do you understand?" Sven was clear in his voice but encouraged his friend to speak out, and Kristoff tried to unfold his mind.
"It´s just… I don´t know. You see, I have met her just the other week. This is crazy, I know, but Anna… It feels like she´s a part of my life all naturally. Mathias has asked me if I liked her or more than that. I can´t help it, but I like her more than more... Don´t laugh, okay. This was all just too much, and I know I suck at words. I couldn´t tell her, Sven, I couldn´t..."
"I would never laugh at you on a moment like this, buddy. This is not easy, and still, it doesn´t have to be as complicated, you know. What if this incident has nudged you over the edge and now you must swim in a lake you´ve simply never jumped in before…?"
Kristoff mused over those words and finally he realised that he had long crossed the line of no return. With a sigh, he shook his head.
"Sven, I feel like standing in the woods of emotions, and I can´t handle this. Oh, why is love so hard?"
Sven sighed contentedly, at last hearing the long-craved words from his wonderful friend. So, he soothed the poor chap on the other end of the line best he could.
"You feel what you feel, and those feelings are real. Come on, Kristoff, let down your guard. You´ll pick her up tomorrow, right? Tell her. Just, tell her. She won´t bite."
Sven was a true friend and Kristoff thanked him for his loyalty. It was nothing at all, the good comrade replied.
It was still quite early in the evening and Kristoff decided a stroll through town might distract his thoughts about how Anna was doing and how he should approach her the next day. But then, maybe things would turn out step by step and best would be to stop brooding. But that intention was completely in vain…
At least, when he had called the clinic, the nurse answering the phone confirmed that Anna was well and still sleeping a good deal. But her lab results were good and her condition stable. That was a great relief and good reason to relax.
He had wandered about the old town district, detecting all sorts of nice and lovely spots and places to go, if only not alone, when he ended up in the same lane that they had walked together this very morning. The sign of the shop, where Anna had insisted on making him this odd gift of a tie, loomed above the young man, who somehow and instinctively had come to a halt.
A thought crossed Kristoff´s mind and he couldn´t help but grin at the idea.
The store was still open, and so, he entered.