A/N: Brian Fellow is not an accredited zoologist, nor does he hold an advanced degree in any of the environmental sciences. He is simply an enthusiastic young man with a sixth-grade education, and an abiding love for all God's creatures. Share his love tonight on…
BRIAN FELLOW'S SAFARI PLANET!
BRIAN FELLOW'S SAFARI PLANET!
BRIAN FELLOW'S SAFARI PLANET!
Inside the corridor of an aquarium was a bespectacled man with unusually glossy lips who wore a silly safari costume, he was here to shoot a very special episode of his television series for an annual week-long event that was observed on cable during this time of the year.
"Good evening, and welcome to Brian Fellow's Safari Planet! I'm Brian Fellow! We are on location here at New York Aquarium, BECAUSE IT'S SHAAARRRRK WEEEEEK!" He greeted the viewing audience with a flair that could have rivaled Oprah Winfrey. "So tonight, we are going to be meeting some sharks! RAWR! I'm very excited, so let's gooooo!"
With that, Brian skipped down the corridor into something of a tunnel that cut its way right through an incredibly large glass containment in which various different species of sharks swam around everybody within. Standing in waiting was an aquarium employee who was to be interviewed for the program, and therefore educate the viewers about the sharks they would be looking at.
"Hey! Are you the shark guy?" He asked the thin blonde man who also wore glasses upon his face.
"I am the shark guy," the young man responded. "I'm Matt Dixon, Head Aquarist of our shark exhibit."
"I'm Brian Fellows!" Brian responded with enthusiastic glee.
"Yes, I know," nodded Matt.
"Boy, there sure is A LOTTO SHARKS HEEEERRRRE!" Brian marveled as he watched in amazement at the number of sharks he observed that swam all around them inside this glass tunnel. Just then, he took notice of a mightily enormous, striped shark that swam by right next to them. "WHOO! Look at that BIIIG BAAAD BOOOY! Who is that?"
Matt chuckled a little as he explained, "Her name is Matilda, and she's one of our tiger sharks."
"That's IM-POSS-A-BULL!" Brian argued.
"Excuse me?" Matt asked.
"HOW can a TIGER be a SHARK?" Brian asked.
It took Matt just a moment to realize that Brian did not quite understand him, but he tried his best to continue as he further explained, "No, they're called tiger sharks because, as you can see, their skin has stripes on them that look a lot like tiger stripes."
"Tigers live in the jungle; they don't live in the water!" Brian continued to argue.
"You're right, Brian, tigers don't live in the water, but tiger sharks do," said Matt. "As a matter of fact, tiger sharks usually live in warm, tropical waters, where they…"
As Matt continued to enlighten the viewers on the habitat of tiger sharks, Brian had completely zoned out, and soon began to see a vision of a jungle tiger which had a prosthetic dorsal fin attached to its head; this imaginary tiger then began to play some games with its host's mind.
"Hey! Hey, Brian! Look at me! I'm a shark! See my fin? I'm a shark! I'm a shark!"
"THAT'S CRAZY!" Brian blurted out.
"I know, right?" Matt agreed, however, he was under the impression that Brian's outburst had been in response to how he just discussed the increasing presence of tiger sharks in more coastal areas around the world, which, of course, also accounted for the increase of shark attacks on beaches and other similar vacation spots. "This is why scientists and marine biologists have been studying what sort of effects man-made changes to our ecosystem has had on the behavioral patterns of these sharks."
"I see a pattern right over there…" Brian pointed across the way in which he spotted a small school of fish that swam by in a particular pattern: four fish in front, three fish behind them, two fish behind them, and one fish in the rear.
"Um, yes, good eye, Brian," nodded Matt who felt a little caught off guard by how spacy his visitor seemed.
"I got TWO eyes!" Brian insisted as he pointed to his eyes with his two fingers, and then redirected his fingers toward Matt's eyes.
"Yeah, I see that…" nodded Matt once more before he tried to resume his discussion. "So, as I started to say, scientists have been studying behavioral patterns in various and sundry species of sharks to see if any of them are inherently aggressive or if aggression is something that develops over time as they mature and adjust to their environment."
"SHARKS ARE BIG BULLIES," was Brian's commentary on the aggression of sharks. "They just swim around being meeeeaaan to allllllll the other little fishies in the ocean!"
"Well, yes, sharks are natural predators of the ocean," agreed Matt. "As are a lot of other sea creatures, such as certain species of whales, alligators, walruses…"
"I don't like bullies," interrupted Brian as a recollection of his childhood brought about a pout from him. "I was always bullied as a kid. All the other kids would play outside, and I'd stay inside looking at my animal books."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear about your tormented childhood," said Matt with some forced sympathy.
To talk about this particular childhood memory of his, Brian had unexpectedly broke into a brief little song.
My animal books
Animal books
I like to look at my animal books
My animal books
Animal books
I like to look at my animal books
"Well, I see you've had a love for animals for your whole life, then…" remarked Matt.
"All the other kids bullied me," said Brian as he returned to his previous talking point. "They used to call me Brian JELL-O! I HATE JELL-O!"
"Well, I can see how that would condition you on having a distaste for gelatin desserts," said Matt as he grew increasingly impatient with Brian's peculiar behavior.
"I sure hope these stupid sharks don't eat stupid Jell-O!" Brian said.
"No, no, sharks don't eat Jell-O," Matt assured him. "As a matter of fact, sharks are far more carnivorous than that; they're what we call, 'Opportunistic eaters,' and they'll feed on just about anything, from other small species of fish, to much larger marine mammals…"
Once again, as Matt continued to enlighten his visitor and the viewing audience with his knowledge on the dietary habits of sharks, Brian experienced another episode in which he completely zoned out, and had visions of that tiger with the fake fin attached to its head again – this time, the falsified tiger shark seemed to taunt him much in the same way as other kids used to do to him during his childhood with a singsong of taunts.
"Brian Jell-O! Brian Jell-O! Brian Jell-O! Brian Jell-O!"
Naturally, this vision seemed to horrify Brian as he brought his shaky hands to his glossy lips and repressed his tormented whimpers.
"Hey, Brian Jell-O! Lookin' at yer animal books again? If you love animals so much, why don't you just go live in a zoo? You'd be right at home in a monkey cage, cause you're already bananas! Ooh-ooh-ooh! Aah-aah-aah!"
"NO!" Brian yelled at the imaginary tiger who taunted him like a schoolyard bully.
Once again, Matt was under the impression that Brian had reacted to the talking point he had just reached in his discussion about how it is actually not at all uncommon for many species of sharks to become cannibalistic.
"Yeah, it's pretty wild, but we have seen plenty of evidence that sharks will actually eat other sharks," he said.
To hear this left Brian dumbfounded as he stared at Matt with a rather blank look on his face.
"Sharks EAT other sharks?" Brian asked.
"Yes…" Matt nodded in confusion.
"You mean sharks are CANNIBALS?" Brian asked.
Matt continued to stare at Brian in confusion of his own, as he pointed out, "Yes… I literally just explained that."
"EWW! That's just WRONG!" Brian recoiled in disgust at the idea of sharks eating other sharks.
"Yes, well, it all goes back to what I had just said about sharks being opportunistic eaters," said Matt to return to the original point of this particular discussion. "Believe it or not, some baby sharks will even eat their own siblings while they are still in the womb…"
That particular point about the offspring of sharks had suddenly reminded Brian of a particular song that became all the rage within popular culture in recent years, a song that has not only spawned internet memes, an animated series, and even a breakfast cereal, but also yet another vision of the tiger with the fake fin atop its head as it sang an altered version of this very song to Brian…
Tiger shark do-do do-do-do-do
Tiger shark do-do do-do-do-do
Tiger shark do-do do-do-do-do
Tiger shark
"STOP IT!" Brian snapped at his imaginary foe.
Once again, Matt found himself perplexed by another one of Brian's outbursts, and this time, a seemingly off-topic outburst at that.
"I'm sorry?" He responded in a confused and curious manner.
That was when Brian had decided to deliver a little talk of his own: "Tigers can't be sharks! Tigers are TIGERS, and sharks are SHARKS! If God made you a tiger, STAY a tiger! If God made you a shark, STAY a shark!"
By now, Matt found himself questioning his visitor's mental stability.
"Are… you okay…?" He asked.
"I'm Brian Fellow!" Brian reminded the tour guide.
"Um, yeah, I know that…" muttered Matt as his face began to twist in utter confusion and cluelessness.
Like the flip of a switch, Brian had decided he had enough of this particular part of the show, and wanted to move onto another segment.
"I wanna go to the gift shop!" He suddenly exclaimed. "Where's the gift shop?"
You could have knocked Matt over with a feather; in all of the years he had spent working in this aquarium, and with all of the visitors and guests he had interacted with, never before had he ever dealt with one who was so strange, unusual, and even crazy as this before – how, exactly, did this guy even get his own nature show, anyway? But, to answer his question…
"Uh, yeah… it's… just on the other side of the shark exhibit and to your left…"
"Come on, everybody! LET'S ALL GO TO THE GIIIIIIIFT SHOOOOOP!" Brian exclaimed with childlike glee.
Shortly thereafter, Brian and his crew found themselves inside the aquarium's gift shop, and he marveled at the varied selection of gift items and merchandise that would catch any customer's eyes.
"Oooh, here we are in the gift shop!"
As he looked around for a moment, he stumbled onto a display of plushes and stuffed animals.
"Hey, check this out!"
From the display, he grabbed three stuffed sharks of varying sizes, and began to put on a little impromptu musical puppet show of sorts, as he started with the smallest of the stuffed sharks, and pantomimed it swimming in his hand.
Baby shark, do-do do-do-do-do
Baby shark, do-do do-do-do-do
Baby shark, do-do do-do-do-do
Baby shark
More than a few perturbed eyes fell upon Brian and the little performance he put on as he switched to the medium-sized stuffed shark and pantomimed it in the same manner as he had with the smaller one before.
Mommy shark, do-do do-do-do-do
Mommy shark, do-do do-do-do-do
Mommy shark, do-do do-do-do-do
Mommy shark
It went without saying that many of the other customers within the gift shop felt a little put off and even slightly disturbed by the sight of this weird grown man in the safari costume as he played with these stuffed sharks and even sang a children's song at that; he then switched to the biggest of the three stuffed sharks, and once again, pantomimed it swimming just as he did with the other two before.
Daddy shark, do-do do-do-do-do
Daddy shark, do-do do-do-do-do
Daddy shark, do-do do-do-do-do
Daddy shark
Curious to see what this man's problem was, and also just wanting to try to get him out of the store, an employee walked over to question him.
"Um, excuse me sir, you wanna buy something?" The tall brunette woman asked this peculiar customer.
"I'm Brian Fellows!" He said to the woman, as 'Wanna Buy Something' was clearly not his name.
"Well, Brian Fellows, you either need to buy something or you need to leave…" the employee offered as an ultimatum.
With that Brian looked at the three stuffed sharks in his hands to apprise them of their departure.
"WE OUTTA HERE, SHARKIES!"
To conclude the broadcast, he informed the viewers of what would be in store for their next show:
"Tune in next week, when we visit a bird sanctuary! I didn't even know birds went to church! I guess church birds must sing hymns! I'm Brian Fellow!"
As he tucked the stuffed sharks into his arms, Brian took his leave and departed from the gift shop, although the employee had one other matter of great importance to point out to him.
"Wait, sir, you have to pay for those…" she called out to him. "Sir? Sir?"
For what it is worth, I imagine James Austin Johnson as Matt, and Cicely Strong as the gift shop employee.