Katsuki has never kissed anyone.

Why would he? Fuck what everyone else says about 'falling in love' and mushy shit like that, he's at Yuuei to become a hero, not to date people.

A small part of him can't help but be curious, though. Does it feel good to kiss someone? To caress their cheek like in the movies, to lean in slowly and brush your lips with theirs? Granted, he wouldn't do that kind of sappy shit even if he were to kiss someone, but it still crosses his mind.

When he imagines these scenarios, he can't help but to think of jade-green eyes and scarred hands. It's not uncommon for Katsuki to pull himself out of his fantasies with a disgusted - ? - feeling rooted in his chest.

Why does he feel this way? Deku's his rival, he can barely call him a friend, why does he keep imagining him in these stupid little fantasies.

At some point, Deku invades his dreams. He dreams of freckles on rough, tan skin. He dreams of holding his hand and steering him through crowded streets. He dreams of lazy days in bed and murmuring good mornings to each other.

He's fed up.

It occurs to Katsuki that it may be similar to having a song stuck in your head. It doesn't go away until you hear it. Or in this case, do it.

He couldn't believe that he actually considered kissing Deku. It's definitely safest to not do anything about the dreams, or at least not do anything with Deku , but he can't help but long for it.

He continued to ignore it.

Now, his skin tingles when his hand brushes Deku's when passing back papers in class. His heart rate picks up every time Deku smiles at him in that stupid nothing-could-ever-go-wrong way. His eyes linger when Deku walks by in the hallway.

What the hell is happening to him?

Katsuki wants to be a hero. He wants to be the best hero. The best hero has no time for relationships.

But at the same time, this is cutting into him working at becoming a hero. He stays up later than usual, imagining a life with Deku when they're pro heroes. He loses focus in class, staring at Deku's green-teal curls. Hell, once he misfired during a training scenario because Deku fucking grinned at him.

He's a damn mess. And it needs to stop.

Katsuki groans into his pillow, thumping his head on the wall behind him. How the hell is he supposed to fix this?

Fuckin' hell, he doesn't want to swap spit with Deku -that's a lie, I totally do- but he also doesn't want his performance to suffer. His performance needs to be prioritized over whatever the fuck he's feeling.

Which means he has to kiss Deku. Which also means he'll have to get Deku to agree to kissing him.

Katsuki snatches a piece of paper and settles at his desk, twirling a pen in his hand. He's actually doing this. He's actually planning to find a way to kiss Deku without it being weird but also without making Deku upset.

As much as Katsuki wants to just walk up to Deku, grab him by the collar, and smash their lips together, he can't do that. That will make Deku ask a shit-ton of questions that Katsuki probably won't know the answer to. At the very least, Katsuki wouldn't want to answer.

The other option is to just tell Deku about the dreams. Which he sure as shit won't do, because not only will Deku ask a ton of questions, he also might be getting ideas about Katsuki's feelings. Not that they're romantic or anything, he just wants to kiss Deku. And hold his hand. And take him out places, and-

What the hell, he's so fucking stupid.

Fuck.

Fuck .

To be fair, it's Deku , the only thing he should feel for the nerd is friendly rivalry or guilt over being a general piece of shit when they were younger. Not liking him, or gods forbid, being in love with him.

Okay, no, Katsuki's brain is going too far in too little time. He's not in love with Deku, he just has a stupid crush! A stupid crush that will go away once he kisses Deku's stupid pink lips. He's not taking the nerd on dates or some shit.

Oh, right. Kissing Deku. He forgot about that with the miniature crisis-slash-epiphany he had five seconds ago.

So. What is he supposed to do? He's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. And even if he does it, the only two ideas he has come up with will both suck ass once they're over.

He wishes that he could just get over it. It's a crush, woo-hoo. But he knows he won't just get over it, he's been trying for months.

Just as Katsuki is considering bashing his skull into the desk, a knock comes from his door. He tumbles, a loud crash welcoming his face to the floor.

Well, he bashed his skull. Not on the desk, but he still succeeded in what he wanted. Joy.

The person knocking throws the door open and rushes in, yammering about how they heard a crash.

"Fuckin'- I'm fine! I'm fine, damnit! You didn't need to just barge in-" Katsuki pushes himself to his knees, coming face-to-face with Deku. Their faces are just inches apart. His eyes flit down to the boy's lips, and he abruptly shoves him away.

"Gah- I- The fuck are you doing here," Katsuki splutters, Deku having fallen down when he was shoved. He grins, high-pitched giggles ringing into the air. Katsuki scrambles to stand up before Deku drags him down with his stupid big hands.

"The fuck are you laughing for?!" Katsuki yells as Deku bursts into full-belly laughter.

His heart skips a beat as the boy falls onto his side. Deku's whole face is bright red, a grin painting his lips.

'He's beautiful.'

Deku attempts to stand up, holding onto Katsuki's arm. His breath stutters in his chest as Deku uses him as leverage to stand up fully.

His hands really are rough.

He knew that, yes, but they never touch outside of fights. It's a bit different when your thoughts aren't clouded by anger and adrenaline.

"Sorry, sorry! I don't know why I'm laughing. I-I should be seeing if you're okay." And there he goes, flitting over Katsuki like a mother hen. While Katsuki is fully aware Deku isn't pitying him, he can't help but to be frustrated. He's not a damn kid .

"What even happened?"

"Hah?"

"Y'know, what made you fall?" Deku peers up at him with those stupidly pretty eyes. He's finally done with checking on Katsuki, which was totally un-needed, but whatever.

Katsuki can't really think of a way to save himself from admitting 'you startled me' without lying. He's not a damn liar, especially not over shit that basic, but he'll be a dead man the day he admits Deku got a one-up on him. Sure, that's not exactly what happened, but that's what it feels like.

"Kacchan?"

Gods, he sounds so cute. It's stupid that Katsuki likes it. Honestly, he likes it every time Deku talks, but it's nicer when it's directed at him.

When did he become such a fucking sap?

"Kacchan? Hey, you didn't hit your head, did you? Should we go to Recovery Girl?"

Katsuki snaps out of his mind, blinking.

"Nah, I'm fuckin' fine. Just thinking."

Deku hums, rolling back onto his ankles and then onto his toes, repeating the process. His eyes flit around Katsuki's room as if he's never been in it before.

"Was it about whatever you were working on? Sorry if I startled you," Deku murmurs, peering past Katsuki and over to his desk, where the paper lies.

The piece of paper illustrating all of his feelings about Deku and what he thinks he should do about them.

Shit.

Shit, he hadn't even realized he was writing his thoughts down until he read it. Which means Deku has definitely had the time to at least read some , what with his stupidly fast reading.

Katsuki snatches the paper off of the desk and shoves it in his pocket, pointedly looking anywhere but at Deku's probably embarrassed-slash-mortified face.

The silence is deafening.

Fuck , he's ruined everything.

He's going to be stuck with these stupid feelings forever, and he won't be able to kiss Deku, and Deku will never want to talk to him again. They'll have to skirt around each other up until graduation in a couple months.

He'll never have the opportunity to let these feelings go anywhere with Deku.

Really, does he even want these feelings to leave?

They're distracting as shit, sure, but they make him feel so good at even the slightest bit of attention.

Gods, he really doesn't want to get over Deku, does he?

Godamnit.

"...Kacchan?"

Not that he has much of a choice, now that he's ruined everything by being an easily-startled idiot .

Katsuki grunts, wanting to shove Deku out the door and never see his stupidly handsome face again. He has half a mind to do it, too, his fingers twitching at his sides.

"Do you- do you really feel that way? About me?"

Katsuki can feel his face turn red, refusing to look up from his bare feet. He wants nothing more than to yell and scream and kick and shove until Deku forgets all about what he saw.

He didn't go through two years of anger management therapy for nothing, though. He breathes slowly, trying to calm his racing heart.

It doesn't work all that well.

"Sorry, I mean- you don't, you don't have to answer! I understand if- if this is uncomfortable! I shouldn't have read that. I'm really, really sorry, Kacchan," Deku stammers, feet shuffling. He's probably waving his hands around like an idiot, considering the ' woosh ' of the air being disturbed in front of Katsuki.

Is he fucking stupid? If anyone should apologize, it's Katsuki. He has a lot of things to say sorry for actually, but they jumped that hurdle a year ago.

"Stop fuckin' apologizing."

"But-"

"Stop," Katsuki's voice cracks as he balls his hands into his fists. "You can just, just go , I don't care what the fuck you do. But stop fucking apologizing when all of this shit is my fault to begin with. It's my shitty feelings, not yours."

He doesn't look up, but he can feel Deku's stare drilling into his head.

"Kacchan…" Deku more breathes his nickname than says it. Katsuki just wants Deku to leave. He wants to push him away, to yell that he's all wrong and that it isn't about him, but he won't.

The silence feels like it's choking Katsuki. He can hear the soft hum of the air conditioner drowning out their breathing. The only reason he knows that Deku hasn't moved away is that he can still see the boy's bright yellow socks.

"Hey, look at me," Deku asks. For what reason, Katsuki doesn't know, nor does he really want to know. Maybe Deku just wants to rub his humiliation in his face.

He knows logically that Deku would never do that. But he can't help but be scared.

"Why won't you leave? You- you can just fucking go, but you aren't, even though you found out I'm a fucking creepo that dreams about you-" Katsuki chokes on his words, hot tears falling off his lashes. He can see Deku's hands hovering in his periphery, probably just itching to wipe his tears off.

He would do it himself, but that would cement that he's a fucking coward that's crying over a crush.

This is fucking humiliating.

Why is he crying over a fucking crush ?

He'll get over it eventually, and they can go back to normal, no stupid feelings and no awkward revelations.

He should stop hiding his face like a coward.

But he doesn't want to.

He's scared.

He's fucking scared of fucking Deku .

"Kacchan, just look at me. Please." Deku sounds like he's comforting a victim of a damn villain attack. It strikes at something in Katsuki's heart, the ball in his throat only getting thicker. He's so pathetic.

"Can I touch you? Will that help?"

Katsuki doesn't want to say yes, even if he could speak past the ball in his throat. It's embarrassing, humiliating to have Deku treat him like some broken kid.

But he also wants Deku to comfort him. He wants Deku to put him back together, to hold him like some fragile object, because in the end that's exactly what Katsuki is. He always lets his emotions be bottled up inside of him until he cracks and spills. He always needs someone to put him back together again, and for some stupid reason, Deku is always the one to do it.

So he nods.

Calloused hands cup his cheeks, the boy's thumbs gently wiping away his tears. Katsuki lets Deku guide his head up. Fuck , he wants to just sob into the boy's hands. To let himself boil over instead of trying to shove it back.

Why is Deku always so nice to him? Even when he's probably uncomfortable as hell, or when he's hurt like back at Ground Beta, he always helps Katsuki in whatever way he can. He must be fucking insane to still be putting up with Katsuki after all these years.

Maybe that's why Katsuki likes him so much.

His eyes flit to Deku's face. The boy has a soft smile on his face, soft enough that his dimples don't show up like they normally do when he smiles. His eyes are shiny with tears, cheeks red and blotchy. Deku has always been a sympathetic crier.

"Crybaby," Katsuki rasps, knowing fully well that his face is probably sticky and gross from tears too. Deku huffs a laugh, his eyes never leaving Katsuki's.

"Do you want to talk about it or be distracted?"

Katsuki really doesn't want to talk about it. Like a coward. He's not a fucking coward -yes, I am- though, and he wants to get this stupid conversation over with.

He'll tell Deku about the dumb dreams and Deku will finally leave and things will be back to normal in a month or so.

Probably.

Hopefully.

"Kacchan?"

Katsuki's eyes snap back to Deku's. Deku hums, that stupidly sweet smile painting his lips again.

He hates that his heart skips a beat when he's supposed to be focusing on Deku about to reject him once his whole breakdown is over.

"...talk about it."

Deku grins, the corners of his eyes crinkling.

"You want to sit down?"

Katsuki lets Deku pull him to the bed and sits with his back against the wall. Deku settles next to him with his legs tucked beside him, a hand supporting his weight. Their hands are uncomfortably close, but Katsuki doesn't move away.

Deku is stupidly patient, letting Katsuki gather his thoughts slowly.

Honestly, he doesn't know what to say that wasn't written in the letter. Should he start from the beginning? Should he just say 'I like you, now get the hell out of my room before I start sobbing because I'm a coward that can't handle rejection'? Obviously not the second one word-for-word, but he definitely considers doing a much less pathetic version of that.

Katsuki sighs, letting the back of his head hit the wall. His face feels stiff, the dried tear tracks not even cold anymore.

He kind of wishes Deku would hold his face again.

He glances over to the boy. He's just sitting there, eyes not leaving Katsuki's until he looks away.

Stupid Deku, being so nice. Katsuki can't even bring himself to cut parts of the story out.

"Basically, Shitty Hair and the rest of my shitty friends were talking about first kisses and shit and were teasing me over having never had one. So I kinda started wondering what it was like, you know? So I started thinking about it, and uh, fuck, I," Katsuki rambles, sucking in a deep breath. Fucking hell, he's turning into Deku with how fast that was. Deku just sits there, staring at him with his stupidly pretty green eyes.

"So I started seeing you. Like, not romantically, not at first, but I just. Kept seeing you in these corny-ass scenarios. Basic first kiss movie cliches. I don't even get it! Why were you the person I saw when I thought of kissing someone?!"

"But then it got fuckin' worse , somehow. It went from shitty daydreams to shittier dream-dreams where I would imagine dates and living together and just- ugh , I don't get it! Why are you always there?! Why are you always the person I go to for fucking everything, even in my fucking dreams?! Even when I know that you don't really want me like that?!" Katsuki shouts, turning to Deku with misty eyes. Deku smiles sadly, like he knows something Katsuki doesn't. Bastard.

Deku hums, shifting to sit with his back against the wall alongside Katsuki. Somehow they're even closer than before. That was probably on purpose. Once again, bastard.

"Hug?" The boy opens up his arms, his hands making a weak grabby motion. Katsuki's breath stutters in his chest, because of course it does.

"I- what?"

"Well, you don't have to! Not, not if you don't want to, I just. You're clearly upset, and you seemed to like it when I touched you earlier, so," Deku splutters, his face turning red. "I don't know, I just thought I could-"

Katsuki doesn't let himself think. Just hopes he's making the right decision.

He collapses into the other boy's chest, tucking his head into the junction between his shoulder and neck. He smells like lavender and laundry detergent.

Arms settle over Katsuki's back, a hand beginning to card through his hair. He can feel Deku's cheek resting on his head, and he sighs.

Deku was right, he really does like this.

Who knew a hug could feel so nice?

They sit there for who knows how long, wrapped around one another. Katsuki nearly doses off in Deku's ridiculously warm arms. For such a small boy he radiates so much heat.

"Kacchan?"

Katsuki hums, half-awake. Deku's like one of those heated blankets, every point of contact sending jolts of warmth through his body.

"Do you… or uh, did you ever think that maybe…" he mumbles into Katsuki's hair. He thwaps his hand against Deku's back, eliciting a high-pitched squeak.

"Spit it out, dumbass."

"Okay, okay!" Deku chuckles, settling his hands on Katsuki's shoulders. "Could you look at me?"

Katsuki shifts to sit back, considering getting fully off Deku if it weren't for the boy still holding him.

Is this it? Is he about to get shot down politely? Katsuki tenses, preparing for the pain of Deku rejecting him.

Honestly, he doesn't know why he cares so much. He already knows what will happen, so there's no point in stressing out about it.

"Uhm, you uh, said that I could… never want you. The way you do, I mean." Katsuki can feel a ball of nerves bubbling up in his throat, and takes a shaky breath. Deku looks nervous, scared, even. Like he's worried Katsuki is going to blow up.

Is he really not that different from the past? To the point that Deku is scared Katsuki will hurt him over a fucking rejection ?

"But did you consider that maybe, maybe I do? Want you? Romantically?"

Katsuki's heart stops in his chest.

" What? "

"I- I said-"

"No, I heard what you fucking said, Deku. But what the hell do you mean you want me ? Even if you really do like me somehow, which is, is unlikely as snow in Egypt, why the hell would you choose me instead of, I don't fuckin' know, Kirishima? Round Face?"

"Kacchan, look at me. Seriously." Shit, shit, he's mad. He fucked up. -Damnit, Katsuki, why do you always do this?-

Katsuki doesn't want to, but he does, and fuck does Deku look upset. His eyes are glowing in that I'm-about-to-rock-your-shit way and his grip is near bruising on Katsuki's shoulders.

"I know that you probably don't believe me, and you know what? I get it. Really, I do, I get insecure and shit too." -and who is to blame for that?- "But don't put yourself down like that! I- I'm trying to tell you that I like you, and that I have for years , but you aren't listening to me !"

"I-"

"And Kacchan, I'm not blaming you, I just sometimes wish you would not jump to conclusions and accuse me of lying to you. I'm not out to get you, and I never have been." Deku's head thumps into Katsuki's chest. "We crossed this bridge over a year ago. I don't look down on you, and I never have."

For once in his life, Katsuki has nothing to say.

He's definitely thinking, but the thoughts are too garbled and abstract to turn into words and actions.

He's gone silent before, sure, but he was always holding something back. Trying not to move, not to make a sound, because he doesn't want to hurt someone or be hurt by someone.

But he has never had nothing to do with himself.

"I just wish you would have more confidence in me. In yourself, too," Deku mumbles. Katsuki has to force his hand to move and settle in the boy's hair, pulling his face out of his chest.

Deku's face is blotchy and red again, tears falling over his cheeks. Katsuki moves to wipe the boy's tears off with his thumb. Deku sighs into his palm.

"...I'm sorry," Katsuki mutters around the block in his throat.

He made Deku cry again.

This isn't like earlier, Deku just cries a lot. This time Katsuki made him upset enough to cry.

"Don't apologize."

"But-"

"I don't want you to apologize, Kacchan. Just… just say or show or whatever that you actually believe me. I'm not- I'm not telling you to date me or anything. I get that you probably aren't ready, I just need you to show that you understand. I don't care what you do, just... please."

He has a hard time believing it. Logically, he knows that Deku wouldn't lie about something like that. He's too nice.

But emotionally, Katsuki can't believe it. That all of the anger and sadness and longing he has felt for the past hour, for the past couple months really, was for nothing. That Deku actually likes him enough to be with him.

Is he getting ahead of himself? He feels like he's getting ahead of himself.

Katsuki grumbles, knocking his forehead against Deku's. It's kind of weird, being this close to him. His eyes look sort of warped from this perspective, almost too big for his face.

Deku asked him to show that he believes him. But he doesn't know how to do that, his brain is too empty and too full at the same time.

He sighs, closing his eyes in frustration. His everything feels too tense, too stretched thin, too loose, too much.

He can't think.

"Kacchan?"

Katsuki hums and opens his eyes, a sense of deja vu washing over him. Didn't they just do this?

"What are you thinking?"

"I'm not."

"Okay," Deku hums, looking off to the side. Katsuki can sort of see his furrowed brow at the top of his vision.

He feels Deku's hand slide from his shoulder and up to his cheek. Is he crying? He doesn't feel like it, his face isn't wet or anything.

The boy's hand just sits there, slowly rubbing circles into his cheekbone. He takes a slow breath, eyes flitting back to Katsuki's. He feels kind of like the lights should be off, he could fall asleep right here.

"Can I kiss you?"

And he is right back to being awake.

What? What?

Katsuki takes a moment to chastise himself for being so surprised. Didn't Deku literally just confess?

Wait. Deku confessed.

Why did this only just occur to him?

Gods, Katsuki feels stupid.

"Uh- uhm," Look at him go, making a damn fool of himself. "Yeah."

How eloquent.

He is 99% sure that Deku smiles, but he can't see it all that well from this angle. A hand settles in his hair, tipping his head back slightly - He's about to kiss Deku holy shit holy shit- to reach his lips better. Katsuki feels like he should do something with his hands, but he feels like all of his nerves are vibrating out of his skin so he can't exactly move.

It occurs to him that you close your eyes when kissing somebody, so he does. And Deku's lips touch his, and his lips touch Deku's, and wow .

It's not some kind of explosion of love and adoration like people describe. It feels more like he's going down on a steep roller coaster, his heart doing somersaults in his chest.

Deku's lips aren't soft like he imagined, they're chapped and rough just like the rest of him. It feels sort of symbolic, Deku handling him so gently despite being so rough in some aspects of his appearance.

Shouldn't he be kissing back?

Actually, how do you kiss back?

Well, he'll feel like more of an idiot than he already is if he doesn't do anything, so he presses back into Deku's lips. He can feel a smile form and he knows that he did at least a somewhat good job.

Deku pulls back, their lips separating with a hardly audible pop. His face is flushed with joy this time and he grins as Katsuki's arms move up to link behind his back.

"So," Deku almost sings, his eyes sparking. Literally, his eyes are sparking with those strange bolts of energy One For All produces.

"Just kiss me again, stupid."

Katsuki's friends give him a knowing smile when he sees them in class the next day.

And because they're idiots, they throw him a party in celebration.