Four years ago, today, the rain fell heavily in Trost. My bare thighs rhythmically pattered against his groin, making the same sounds as the raindrops against the window. My eyes, hazy under the fog of desire, drifted to the curtains I let down earlier so no one saw the two of us.

What happened behind closed doors was a topic between us only. The thrill of avoiding exposure was like my cocaine. I liked it. I liked him only in secret. I drowned in him because I liked how suffocating our relationship was.

He handled me in the exact way I liked. With iron grip and as much skin on mine as possible. Electricity traveled throughout me via his fingertips, confusing my nerves and pushing my senses to overdrive. His toned arms were hot to the touch, like bread that recently left the oven.

With our desperate vocalizations and rhythmic percussion, we made a song that preached to the Devil why we were damnable. Lost in tainted sheets, I did not care what kind of a person it made me. How deplorable I was concerned me barely.

He was sun-kissed, tall, and had wavy hair that was longer and had a darker shade of brown than mine. His image would forever stain my mind. His natural scent was like home and his sweat smelled of pure testosterone. The way he sucked through his teeth and squeezed at the underside of my thighs as if he was fighting pain, my eyes drank it all in.

In the immediate aftermath, we laid close. Our breaths shrank and became steadier. The sound of my heart still reaching my ears, I came to my senses.

My throat was as dry as cinnamon. Careful not to let my voice crack, I said warily, "We might not do this ever again."

"I know," he said quickly, like it was a knee-jerk response. I stared at the ceiling, not wanting to see the bruised look he was giving me. We got dressed while avoiding eye contact, then left my room.

My playstation was in the common area. I turned it on and gave him the controller. As the tv plastered us in blue, I heard him whimper beside me, and looked. His eyes were flooded, red underneath. "It hurts," his voice choked in agony. "I saw it coming, but why does it hurt so much?"

I was quiet. Even if I knew what to say, I couldn't manage it. So I just wrapped my arms around him, wanting to take back what I said. "I'm sorry," I whispered into his neck.

It was all I could say. I'm sorry. All I could think to say. I'm sorry. Sorry to him. Sorry to my boyfriend. Sorry for myself.

I didn't live there anymore.

February now loomed behind the corner. It didn't look like the Christmas tree was going to be taken down any time soon. Levi wasn't bored of it yet. He still came to look at it sometimes.

A few weeks earlier, the scale told me 125 when I stepped on it. Later that day, I suggested to my family a drive to the grocery story, to which they said yes because if Eren asked for something, Eren usually got it. Because Eren never asked for things.

I brought home cheese, bread, and apples. That was going to be my dinner until I decided it was not. When the minute-hand struck 6 p.m, I had a piece of bread, a piece of cheese, and an apple. Until the next 6 p.m, that was all I enjoyed. Some days, it wasn't all. And on those days, I ended up kneeling in front of the toilet with the door locked.

I gagged, removing my fingers from my throat. The bathroom was an echo chamber of my labored breathing. Calling on my stomach again, I reached past my tongue with my fingers as far as I could. My body surrendered, sending undigested food back up.

Ice cream was my favorite thing to throw up because it wasn't stubborn on its way out. It came out easily like one big blob of slime and cooled my neck as it passed. Drier foods needed some water to break them down if I wanted to throw them up.

I flushed twice, blew my nose, and washed my hands thoroughly. When I went back to my room, my knuckles still reeked faintly of stomach acid.

Wanting to be alone for a bit longer I postponed sleep that night. The screen of my phone gently illuminated the walls around me as I watched youtube videos in the dark. It was well past 2 a.m. when I put it away.

Levi and I have been quiet with each other for the last three nights, in a natural way. Sometimes, things to say ran out. I was okay with it. I'm sure he was too.

I wanted tomorrow to come quick. The process of weight loss was least excruciating when I skipped through as much time as possible. I'm just going to ask him to end my dream early this time, I thought as I drifted off.

At the entrance of his abode, I stood grabbing onto a branch. Gusts of wind blew unusually strong. I fixed my hair, registering that it was because Levi was not there to placate them. This was the second time I had ever arrived to none of him. I've done it once before. This time, I was not as dubious. Wherever Levi was, I simply hoped he was there out of his own free will, as he had done.

I used my hammock as shelter from the wind. Something about the environment had changed. Everything was a touch more realistic, and as I lay there, my brain felt tricked into thinking there was really a bridge outside my window. By the same token, my chest still burned from the acid.

With little else to do, I fell asleep one more time. Ever since Levi, I haven't dreamt like I used to. My day didn't last twenty-four hours anymore. It was now a mixed fraction.

If I really thought about it, it was like I stopped sleeping altogether. Once I entered R.E.M, it was within Levi's control how long I spent on the other side. So, effectively, my life was now longer because of him. Even though we met in December and it was now January, God knows how much time we actually knew each other. Levi knew, I think. He could probably tell me if he was not gone.

We found a way to cheat time, and so we did. When we were apart, when has time ever stopped for us?

I napped delicately. Trigger hairs in my ears went off upon sensing a soft ba-dump on the opposite side of the platform. I did not move an inch when the new presence approached me with agile-sounding feet. Without my sight, the rest of my senses fired up. I did not need to lift my eyelids to know that a pair of feet stood right by me. I felt eyes on my face, as light as a mosquito.

Levi leaned down at me, and then...I smelled rosemary, and was no longer so certain that it was him. I waited for a sound, a word, something. None came. My pulse grew anxious. It felt like minutes had passed before my aura was left alone. My reaction time purposely slow, I then opened my eyes to see no one, all over again.

I would never admit it, but a twinge of annoyance bit me in the neck. I was hoping Levi would send me back to reality as soon as I asked, which was supposed to be when I came here. If I wanted to leave, he never protested or asked questions. Because what was more important than familiarity between us, was respect.

I didn't see him land on the platform, though it happened right in front of my eyes. Literally, he flew in from nowhere.

The balls of his feet broke his fall. Levi lifted an arm and slid back the hood of his off-white robe that I've never seen on him before. It looked thick, hefty, passed down through the hands of culture. Belonged on him in the same way wings belonged on birds.

His pose a spitting image of mine earlier, he held the same branch as his shoulders fell and rose. He was slightly short on breath. That was, if one could behold him as deeply as I did.

I made an inaudible gasp. Questions already formed in my head.

"That looks amazing," I felt the silk with my eyes.

Levi smiled harder than usual. "I attended a wedding. Petra is now a married goddess."

"That's good news," I said. As good as it was, it was a little sudden. "Was it a big wedding?"

"Yes, his family and friends are numerous. I would say at least four hundred of us were there," he slips out of his robe and comes to lay it on my lap, knowing I wanted to try it on.

It sat heavy on my shoulders, the inside already warm from Levi's body. It smelled of vanilla and rosemary. The fragrance of a honeymoon.

"So who got lucky?" I hide the hand that glowed red at the knuckles where they once pressed against my teeth.

"Ah, some god," Levi said dismissively.

He gestured at me to make room for him beside me, which I did. "He must have a name for himself."

"He's just a god," Levi lowered to my level. "No more than how I am. What is the human way of saying it? He's just," he pondered, "some guy?"

"You know," I said, "if mankind knew about Petra, she would be adored among them."

"I don't doubt that one bit," he nodded once. "She deserves worship."

"So why don't the gods let themselves be seen?"

"We've done it long ago when things weren't documented. It's not a common thing now, but some of us do speak to some of you. And you're all allegedly crazy, because for some reason, man made an assumption that god is good."

"I always thought that if there is a higher power, it did not love us." Me and atheists loved the phrase, 'If there is.'

"We're not obligated to love you," traces of contempt swam in his otherwise gentle eyes. "Some of us are evil, but most of us prefer our respect earned. Before all of that, we are superior." He catches the concern that began to sprout on my face and self corrected, "At least that is what we're taught as we are young. I don't learn from rumors, though."

"I know you don't," I said. He visibly calmed.

"Petra won't be married for long, I'm afraid," He looked down at his hands, watched them close.

"Why not?"

"She said so."

We found each other's eyes. I was baffled. He was lukewarm.

"Why would she marry, then?"

"To announce to everyone she is no longer available?" Levi was guessing.

"So marriage to you is like dating," I thought it as a question, but said it as fact.

"Marriage to me," he said precisely, "is a trifle. It only makes sense on mortals because they won't live long enough to do what Petra will inevitably do."

"Leave?"

"Fall out of love."

"Oh," I felt a sinking pit in my chest. "I get it now."

Mom and dad loved each other. They were my models for how a married couple should be. But what if they were immortal? Then they would inevitably get bored.

Loving someone forever is impossible.

"That upsets you?" Levi asked. He had seen my dejection.

I was fidgeting my fingers. I stopped to hold a marble of air. "Only a little."

He put his hands on my wrist. It sent a zap to my spine. "You're safe." Because you're not a god. His eyes were contagious with tranquility.

I stood up. "I was meaning to leave a long time ago," I said, not sure how to continue. I didn't have to. Levi stood up, too. He was apologetic.

"I didn't realize-"

"You couldn't have realized," I interrupted.

He blinked. "Right…But, I'm still sorry."

Hating how easy it was to forgive him, I stripped myself of his robe and handed it back. "It's okay," I flashed a smile, hoping to ease him. "Life out there is something I still have to deal with."

I paused. "You can't...follow me to the other side, can you?"

I imagined having Levi right there for dinner, visible to me and hidden to my mom, dad, and sister. One thing. Then I pictured him seeing me in the bathroom, forcing food back out. Another thing.

Levi's arms relaxed, letting the heavy robe pull them straight. He shrugged. "I would've done it by now."

A beat of silence. Only Levi knew what he was thinking. I didn't know what I was thinking, because I then put my arms around him, something I've never done before. When he was late to return the gesture, I could tell I caught him off guard too.

There it was again, the faint smell of rosemary. Vanilla, too, but it came from the robe. I pulled away and smelled just oak once again, like entering a lake portal and coming out the other side.

I brought my arms up and said, rather theatrically, "Now, cast me away."

I didn't see Levi's hand. I only saw it move. Then, I woke up in my room, with that itch in my throat again.