February. I looked in the mirror this morning, and smiled when I ran a hand up my own spine. It stuck out a little.

When the man I cheated with left me, I was so distraught, I ate nothing for two weeks.

A few things happened. My spine was no longer compressed by my previous weight. I grew an inch taller. I would touch my body and find more and more parts where my skeleton stuck out: hands, wrists, pelvis, jaw, collarbones, ribs. My cheeks sunk in. There was less fat to keep me warm. I was more sensitive to the cold. Exercise became easier.

I decided to run from me as far as I could. When I moved away from Trost three years ago, I told myself and everyone else that I was no longer Eren. I was Kruger.

I hated myself so much, I split in two. Kruger was honest and charismatic. Kruger struck up conversations. He dressed well. He was popular. He's never cheated in his life.

That is how I chose to cope with my mistake. I have sinned, profoundly. I saw no way to ever atone for it.

I don't think I can ever atone for it.

"I forgive you," Levi said. "If that helps."

I was tracing the lines of his palm as we shared my hammock. It was always my hammock, not his.

"I don't deserve it," I breathed the words.

"Look at yourself. I know better than to batter you for something you already blamed yourself for." His head lulled to one side, his eyes closed. If he wasn't speaking, he would've looked asleep. "That's more pressure."

My thumb that strolled back and forth along the tendons of his wrist stopped in place. I stared at the base of his hand, where his veins appeared purple. My wrist was going to be skinnier soon.

"Would you..." I stopped to confirm that his eyes were shut. "Would you have forgiven me if it was you?"

"If what was me?"

"You know. Were you listening?"

"I was."

Silence. I inhaled, very carefully, as he would've heard me otherwise. "My partner."

Levi was now at attention. His pupils aimed somewhere upwards. It looked like he was watching the top of my head, through a mirror that reflected down. He opened his mouth to ask, "Which one?"

It took a lot to make me stumble over myself. But there are times where I catch someone say something so off-handed, it is almost like it didn't happen. This was one of them.

Feeling like my jaw had locked in place, I didn't even begin to formulate the words. Something began to spark in my chest like a depleted lighter. An emotion that was cloaked and so volatile, it would take over me if Levi threw another provocation my way.

I thought to myself for too long. His gaze dove down to me, but I didn't dare return it. He repeated himself. "Which one?"

I could not tell if he was being hostile or not.

I managed to hold my tongue and said, "The one that came first."

"That's what I thought you meant," he takes his hand away to stretch. The space it once took in mine felt dense. He stretches out a hum, checking me like a transcript. "If I were Reiner, I would forgive you after a century."

I laughed through my nose. What is that? 4 human years?

"That's generous." I got up to stretch my legs. My knees thanked me as I approach the edge of the platform.

There were no birds in this world. They chirp and sing in real mornings, but never here. Apart from me, Levi was truly the only thing here with a beating heart.

His voice crept behind me. "You know what my answer would've been if it was me you cheated with?"

I turned to face him. He was covered in my shadow. "What?"

He fought a grin before he said this. "I would've recorded us fucking and sent it to Reiner."

I turned to stone. In the silence thereafter, only Levi laughed. Each chuckle carried an ominous burden that began to disturb me. He was either being out of character, or maybe our senses of humor weren't so aligned after all.

"You were baffled when I told you," I said, now as bewildered as Levi was in the memory I referred to.

"I was never angry at you, was I?" he tossed back.

I suddenly wished I hadn't come here. "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying I recorded myself fucking a married goddess and sent it to her husband under her approval."

Petra.

"You use phones?" I asked. When conversations get too serious, I loved to focus on the wrong things.

"Yes. Man works in creative ways. We took the blueprint for ourselves. Is that all you'll say?"

He was trying to pull me into the whirlpool and I didn't like it. Biting down on nothing, I took a deep breath. There was nothing I had to say. "What do you want me to say to that?"

"Am I wrong for what I did?"

"Of course you are," I almost snarled at him. It was an incredibly foul thing to do. I didn't expect it from him, of all. Never in an infinity.

I didn't see what faces he made, or if he moved at all from his resting position. My ears rang as if he just chucked me a stun grenade. I couldn't bring myself to look at him now.

From far away, his words pounded at my back like police, open up. "You wouldn't say that if you were her."

I wheeled around, seeing that he sat up. My strides devoured the distance between us, and my hand cocked back to strike Levi across his face.

Not once did he need to say Petra's name. Something about that little detail irked me, in such a way that I couldn't put into words for the life of me. I hated that I knew him well enough to finish his sentences, because they didn't end so nicely anymore.

He pressed his palm to his cheek that now burned with a hint of red. When he doesn't stand up or counterattack, I asked gravely, "When was it?"

He looked at his fingers. No blood. I knew I didn't hit him that hard.

Daringly, he said, "On the day."

I didn't remember how things escalated so quickly, but we were now on the rooftop, and I wanted to throw him off the building. I wanted him to suffer, but I tucked my tail because I knew he would triumph against me if I challenged him.

"It makes no sense. What was the point of her marrying?" I grab my own hair.

"Are you angry for the groom?"

"I am."

"Do you hate me for this?"

I hesitated. "I might."

Winds picked up. The leaves on the tree ruffled audibly. Goosebumps rose to their feet all around me, sensing the temperature drop.

Levi stood up. I was close enough to smell his hair. Rosemary again. He raised his head to reveal his eyes, blazing charcoal that almost burned through his bangs.

"You're a hypocrite," he seethed. "We're the same. You hate me for the same reason you hate you, and you're a coward."

"I told you everything. And you threw it back in my face." An ache bloomed in my throat. "We weren't the same. I thought you were better. I thought you did no wrong."

"You overestimate us again."

"I overestimated you."

He shoved me in the chest. I stumbled back just a bit, never losing balance. The boil in his eyes kept rolling, but I saw that my words tugged at him. He knew he was wrong. Why on earth did he do it?

Never mind why. Never mind him. I didn't know this man. There is no god. I was in a nightmare.

"Wake me up, Levi," I had no memory of the last time I really spoke his name. My fingers now tore and clawed at each other and it hurt.

Levi turned away, his shoulders stiff and his posture straight. I see him look down at the floor. "You think about what you said," he hissed with the conviction an order, but it came out wrung of its power.

I said nothing. Just awaited morning. Waited for his dismissal, which came. The scene in front of me vanished, and I was briefly dipped in unconsciousness.

Birds chirped outside. My mom fried eggs downstairs. Everything was normal again.