Armin and Petra sat in the common area, awaiting us. We appeared right before their eyes.

Petra got up from her seat and rushed to us, expression full of questions. She put her palms on both of our shoulders. "Where did you two go?"

"We went to talk," said Levi.

"Is it still a yes?" Armin asked, leaning out from behind Petra to see me.

No one noticed my hesitation when I answered, "I'm taking some time to reconsider."

Levi was calmer now because he was still under the impression that I haven't decided yet. I'd rather he stay that way. If he knew the truth, I wasn't sure what he would do. Break down? Get angrier? Kick me out? A combination of all three?

He was not wrong. Neither was I. In fact, I would have reacted the same way had our roles been switched. That's why, to me, it wasn't a conflict. It wasn't me being an asshole, nor was it him being a nag. It was nothing more than an unfortunate circumstance.

"Eren," Petra's hand was loose around my bicep. I emerged from my pool of thoughts, not realizing that I was beginning to drown in them.

"Yes?" I perked up like a finished piece of toast.

I haven't eaten since I was awake. That was weeks ago. I couldn't think too hard about it or I might get homesick.

"Can we talk?" Petra asked. I patted Levi on the back before heading off with her to my room.

She looked left and right in the hallway before closing the door and sitting in the corner furthest from it. I took my time to sit down with her. "The oracle is more than happy to take no for an answer," she said.

My smile was half-finished. "I know."

"I don't want it to end in your death," she checked the door for listeners. No one seemed to be there, but she lowered her voice anyway, "He won't forgive you."

She was referring to Levi. My smile went away. I said again, "I know."

Petra sensed my remorse. She slowly leaned back, her gasp inaudible. "You're gonna do it."

I jumped to my own defense. "For my past. I've done something terrible, and if I can save a thousand people, I might finally atone for it." No more running. No more guilt.

"Something terrible?"

"I-"

I never told my family. I never told any of my friends. The only ones that knew at this point were me and Levi. For that reason, I found it hard to bring the words up. It weighed too much altogether, so I lifted them one at a time.

"I cheated on a boyfriend," I looked at her, gauging her reaction. She was indifferent. "For five months straight."

She stayed in listening mode, waiting for me to continue. When I didn't, her shoulders loosened. "That's all?"

I rolled up the end of my shirt like a yoga mat. "Yeah."

"Eren, I was so certain you were about to confess to something horrible," she crossed her arms.

"It is horrible."

"It's nothing."

"What?"

"It's really not that bad. I'm not just trying to make you feel better. Honest."

I didn't know what to say. No one has ever said that to me. No one has ever downplayed what it like that.

Petra stared right through me, while I looked at the wall beside her. Textureless, white stone.

I was very prone to motion sickness, especially in cars. Whenever my parents took me and Mikasa for long drives, I always made sure to bring something white. If I started to feel dizzy, I'd look at it and my headache would melt away. Could've been a placebo, but it was a placebo that worked.

"I've killed people," Petra retook my attention. "So has Levi. So has Armin. And Zeke. All of us have at least one human life claimed. It's a bit of a burden, but we accept it as a part of existing. Yes, getting cheated on hurts. It's good that you're sorry, but," she inhaled, shaking her head, "I don't think it's worth dying a thousand times."

I searched her eyes. Did she worry for me, or Levi's peace of mind?

"The real issue is bigger than that," my voice was hushed. "Life is so important. There are others out there who cherish their own lives as much as I do. I would hate it if someone just threw it away for basically no reason."

She said, "How many people out of that thousand do you think would die for you?"

There it was. The rational side of my brain that I haven't been listening to. It was happy that Petra spoke for it, while the other side argued morality. They fought over me, pulling me apart.

It hurt. I pressed down hard on my temples, fingers spread through my hair like tree roots. "I really don't know, Petra," I said, "I feel like I'll be wrong either way."

Petra pulled me into her arms, hugging me tight. "Why else would you be so torn?" Her neck buzzed as she talked.

I buried my head in her hair and breathed her in. I thought of my mother, and realized that I haven't been embraced by her since middle school. It was all my fault; I was the one that pushed her away, in the same way I was beginning to push Levi away. Just like everyone else.

"Can I ask something a bit personal?"

"Hmm?"

"Did you...Did you really cheat on your husband with Levi?"

"Pardon?"

I squeezed my eyes shut. "Sorry, never mind."

"No, wait," she pulled away and held me by my shoulders, "what did Levi tell you?"

I was so focused on the fragments that started to gather in my mind, I didn't have the attentiveness to speak.

I didn't have to. Realization climbed to Petra's face. She got on her feet and began to the door, but I seized her wrist.

"Don't," I urged.

She was greatly offended. "I don't know how many people he's being going around lying to. A rumor like that will stain my life."

"It was only me, I promise. I swear."

"What convinces you so?"

"Armin had no idea. Don't you think he would've heard?"

Her heaving chest calmed. With her eyebrows relaxing, she looked down in thought. "Perhaps."

I shook my head, desperate. "Don't confront him about this, please."

She contemplated it. I hoped the panic on my face persuaded her.

I knew I was being selfish, putting myself before her, but I couldn't risk another downhill with Levi. We've been falling apart, lately. I was scared of him drifting too far.

Petra sighed with pity. She couldn't turn me down. "You have to help me make sure that it was just you."

I bowed my head. "Of course."

After the sun clocked out, Levi stayed in his own room. It was one of those nights. A rare one, where he didn't pay me a visit. I was a unique hybrid of disappointment and gratitude.

There wasn't a lot to do in this world. My free time alone was spent thinking and sleeping. I now understood Levi's boredom. It drove me crazy once in a while. I would feel like shit for wasting time doing nothing, but then remind myself that my time couldn't be wasted if it was infinite. It was a constant cycle.

The grass wasn't so much greener on this side.

Petra made me reconsider. I actually thought it over, after spending the day being so sure.

Negotiation was not out of the question. Perhaps I could bargain cutting the workload in half; offer them just five hundred of me. Five hundred was still a big number.

Maybe I'll lower it even further. Two hundred. If I wanted to do the bare minimum, then one hundred. I'd be pretty much guaranteed survival. But if somewhere through the one hundred, I did win the death lottery, then maybe it was meant to happen.

I brought this up the day after.

"One hundred?" His thumb on his chin.

I had to go to his room to talk. I rarely did that. Usually, he came to me. His room was just like mine, except rotated in the opposite direction.

Levi sat in silence, thinking on it. He was finally on the same page as I. To a fault. Not all of his doubt had gone. There was still that nano-chance, and he was going to hold onto it for dear life.

He was picturing me. Me dying. I wondered what the scene looked like in his head. Wondered what I looked like.

He said, "It has to take place on an altar, by the way. You can't just kill yourself anywhere."

That made sense. "I see," I said, hands squeezing each other in between my crossed legs.

From the floor, his eyes jumped to me. Then back down, then back at me. Lastly, he sighed and got on all fours. I had never seen him crawl until then. It seemed like quite a human thing to do.

He didn't have to go far. I was only three meters away. He settled before me, legs tucked under. Said, "For how much longer will you keep taking yourself away from me?"

The floor and the walls shined on him from all angles, including from below. So bright, there were no shadows on his face.

I looked him right in the eyes and said, "Doesn't it hurt you to care this much?"

Levi bit down, muscles tensing at his jaw and temples. He appeared...sad.

"What if it does?" he almost whispered.

Then you're a fool, Levi.

Those who have involved themselves with me ended up hurt. I didn't know if it was because I hated myself, or if I hated myself because of it. From grades one to twelve, I had different best friends because they took turns learning how flawed I was.

They saw that and left one by one, gone with each year. I remember noticing this pattern in the fifth grade. I became controlling, jealous, and angry as a result. My friendships became abusive because of me. Because I thought I was not enough.

Levi was going to walk out, too. Even though I'm not who I used to be, I still felt that it was only a matter of time.

When he does, it will not hurt. I won't weep. I will keep my head up. I've been training at that all my life, and I was strong now.

I can't please everybody.

"Do you love me, Eren?"

Everything else faded away. We were just two souls, sitting on nothingness. No one else, nothing else, but us. I wasn't human and he wasn't a god. We were equals.

"In what way?" I asked.

"In the same way I love you," he answered. "Not the kind of love anyone knows of. Not the one that comes from sex, or even family. It doesn't have a name. No word in any language could ever capture it. It can only be felt." He put a hand over his heart. "If things go wrong, I might just become like you."

I blocked out everything but the last part. It was all lies. He was lying to himself and to me.

"Like me?"

"Like you. Losing someone that you will never move on from."

If only I was different. I wished I never lived the life that I did. Maybe then, I wouldn't be so numb. I wouldn't be wishing that it was Rome instead of Levi.

"I'm sorry."

That was all I could and knew how to say.

I saw Historia up close. She looked related to Armin. I'm sure she wasn't, because Armin would have mentioned it.

She wasn't happy or disappointed that I agreed to only a tenth of the original deal. It didn't affect the gods whatsoever. I was simply a volunteer doing charity and she was nice enough to give me the chance.

Zeke held a dagger. He was to slit my throat because it was blood that they needed. As much of it as possible. Historia held a bow with arrows on standby to pierce through my head in case I suffered for too long.

We were in a smaller section of Historia's palace. It was tucked away from light and conservatively lit with candles. They assisted me onto the table in which there laid a gap where my neck would be. Below that space was a tub to catch my blood.

I saw that Armin had his hand on Levi's shoulder for comfort. I didn't have the gall to look at their faces. What good would it have done me?

Zeke stood above my head. I could not see any of him. I heard his voice that sounded like it came from the ceiling, "Do you want me to count down?"

I shook my head. "No."

When he pressed the dagger to the left side of my neck, I winced when it already dug in. He leaned towards me and said into my ear, "Don't fight it."

The blade zipped right with conviction. Zeke had to be aggressive. If he shied even a bit, he wouldn't have cut deep enough.

I underestimated the pain. I couldn't have known how exactly it felt. No one ever survived a wound this deep to tell the story.

I couldn't stop coughing. Blood was not meant to obstruct the throat like this. Sprinkles of it shot from my mouth, landing on my face. It got in one of my eyes, staining my vision half-red. The rest of it flowed down to my nape and into the tub. The cut stung and burned away my cries of pain, leaving no other noise but my own hacking and gurgling.

My body squirmed on its own. I heard Historia urge everyone, "Hold him down!"

Zeke and Armin rushed to both sides and restrained my shoulders. A pair of hands I didn't see coming held my head still. They were Levi's, gentle yet strong.

I blinked away the blood now in both of my eyes.

I wanted to see him.

When I strained to pull my head back, his image looked distorted. I saw him as if I was sinking into water. Further and further down I went, drifting from him.

My vision went first. I didn't get to see him.

His arms wrapped around my head. He buried my face in himself and put his head down on top of mine. I knew exactly what he was doing. That was how I used to sleep during class in high school.

Something soft pressed against my forehead. It took me a second to realize that he kissed me.

It was the last thing I felt.