"Does it get any easier for you?"

Zeke waited behind the temple, at a spot I tended to go to gather myself. At the sight of him, I regretted denying Levi's company. He rarely ever asked to go with me. He knew the meaning of, 'I need a minute outside.' But this time, he asked, and I said no.

I rubbed my forehead, burdened by a newborn headache. "No," I said. It hasn't gotten easier and it will never get easier. I was dying, for fuck's sake. In fact, I came out here to mentally refortify before doing it again. Today was the fifth day.

"Any feedback? Things I could do to end it quicker?" Zeke asked. Fuck him. Fuck him for being a decent guy. I wanted to follow in Levi's footsteps and despise him.

I shrugged. "You tell me." What would I know?

Zeke dropped his head, trembling with laughter. "You know why I ask, right?"

"Why?"

"Because Levi can't shut the hell up every time I do it. I don't know how you stand him."

How dare he say that about Levi? "You killed his friend."

"I did not know," eyes rolling back in irritation, Zeke bumps his head against the wall. "How was I supposed to know?"

I sighed. It wasn't about whether or not he knew. His lack of remorse told me everything. "Why are you here? This is my spot."

"You and I never get to talk one on one."

"You wanted to talk?"

He shrugged. "Sure."

I remembered Levi, a star about to collapse, begging me not to follow through. Zeke was the reason I had to see that.

"Why?" I walked past him, watching his stance closely.

He acted as if I was being irrational. "Don't you want to get to know your killer?"

I played along in hopes of learning more things about him that I didn't like. The results were a let-down. I wanted him to do something bad to me, so I could have a reason to storm up to Levi and point a finger at him, but he gave me none. He was harmless and normal, on a frustrating level.

I did not tell Levi.

He sat in my room, under the sun, not knowing a thing. Not knowing how much he shined, or what went on behind his back.

He wouldn't let me go alone again if I told him.

Ever since that first day, I began to see a slouch in his posture, a slight dip to his head, that he never failed to fix when people were watching. But it was there, when he thought he was alone.

I got down next to him and wrapped an arm around his head, pulling him into me. I knew it was what he wanted me to do. Every time I did it, I swear he led his own head to my chest.

He had waited for me. I loved how easily he admitted it because he did it innocently, in a way that didn't make me feel guilty. He didn't whine or complain or cry about me potentially never coming back. Any negative thing he felt, went into a bottle. His tears were to fall somewhere else, hidden from me.

He was just like me. When I fell into him again, it was like kissing a mirror. He used his hands, as did I. They've never been cold since the night I first held them.

That night was the thing he talked about as I lay on the altar that day. I had my mouth gagged with a cloth so I could use both of my hands to hold his.

"Remember when you found out I had parents?" he asked me.

I smiled, the closest I got to conveying laughter.

"Were you surprised that I was gone?"

I tapped him twice. It meant yes.

I remembered the car rides with my family. Being new to the area. Going to buy groceries, and finding the snack aisle without having to read the signs for the first time. Yes, it was all nice. I wouldn't mind rewinding.

I wouldn't mind getting to know Levi twice over. He was like a novel I've only just read the first few pages of. Going back to the beginning of us wouldn't be a problem. It wouldn't change a thing. I loved him no matter what version, no matter what point in time.

Our meeting was surely a mistake of some kind. Maybe I was going down the same path as Erwin, who maybe died because he was also a mistake. Maybe there was a lord of all lords and he decided that Levi shouldn't have nice things, so he made him the god of dreams.

I was only theorizing. I just couldn't believe it was happening when Levi leaned down and told me, "I love you."

He always did this. He would wait for me to close my eyes because he knew that was when I could no longer see. Then, he'd just say it. I knew why he felt the need to; what if it was the last time he got to say it? And as a friend, he was able to get away with saying it in front of Armin and Zeke and the oracle.

But it kind of pissed me off. Firstly, I was gagged. Secondly, my throat was severed. Thirdly, I couldn't breathe. What I needed to hear at that moment wasn't an 'I love you', it was the chirping of birds and the sound of the kitchen. Moreover, I couldn't say it back.

I never got to say it back. Not even in the present, where he was under me.

We couldn't stop. Our first reunion had tainted us. It only escalated from there. What we were now was a tangle of hair, legs, and hands. We haven't even consulted ourselves for our own opinions on this.

Because this, was the most complex puzzle yet. Why? Why can't he say it now? Were those words only reserved for goodbyes?

I tried to fish it out of him. I baited my hook with nearly all of me. I gave him my whole body, but he didn't take all of it. It wasn't enough.

The idea of that didn't hurt me. It won't have time to hurt me, because pretty soon, we will just pretend like it never happened.

For now, I loved him from afar, with my teeth on his collarbone. It was like an instrument that I played by accident. He made a sound above my head. Something like a gasp. Soft and pristine, music to my ears. His feet kicked; pure reflex.

I had him by his waist, holding him down with all my might. He can't take himself away this time. I knew he was trying, with the way he grabbed onto my wrist. It only reinforced my grip; I didn't plan on letting him go.

Don't go.

He wrestled his way on top. I was only a man, not strong enough to stop him.

Just one more minute. Don't go.

His fingers slipped out of mine. His feet treated the floor gently, quietly carrying him out of my window.

When I climbed over the sill in pursuit of him, I did not expect to step on grass. I stopped in place. My eyes could only see one thing at a time:

Below my socks, green grass.

Before me, a stretch of meadow.

Past that, mountains.

Above it all, dawn.

And in the center, him running away, like a child about to be tagged. Into the sun.

I called, "Levi!"

Levi.

Icarus.

You forgot to take me with you.

The land caved in before me to form a tiny valley. I ran down the slope, boosting my sprint to him. The back of his head taunted, come get me.

Get me to turn around.

We were equally fast. Damn him. How? My legs were longer.

It really started to feel like a dream, now. Was I really chasing after him? Did he really exist? Were we existing? Was this moment even happening?

I called again, "Levi!" Why are you doing this?

Is it because I ran from you first?

He didn't heed me. Just kept running. I wasn't sure he even heard me.

I thought of one thing, and only one thing. Of what I was going to say once I've captured him. By god, I was going to capture him, and he was going to listen to me.

He will fucking listen.

Because this was not a dream. This was my state of being. And I had a motive. More importantly, I had control. When I ordered my feet to carry me faster, they did.

By the time I reached him, he was a sloth compared to me. I crash-landed into him, knocking the air out of both of us.

I restrained his arms after we hit the ground; held his wings folded in, so he cannot fly away. His back is hot against my heaving chest. I closed my eyes, letting relief wash me over.

He was tired, too. I loosened my arms to help him catch his breath.

"I've got you," I whispered. It felt like unpacking baggage. Over and over, I repeated myself, letting the weight slip off my shoulders bit by bit. I've got you. You can't leave again. Don't ever leave me on my own like that.

His breathing was steady, fast-paced. It didn't stay like that for long. His rhythm breaks, transitioning into a quieter noise. A whimper.

I let go completely. He rolled onto his hands and knees beside me, head completely down and hidden, shoulders losing their composure.

I watched him. One of his hands came up to his face and landed back down, newly wet. I didn't process the situation until I saw that. It sobered me. I stopped feeling the need to pant so deep.

I try to put my hand on his back. He shrugged me away instantly. The sounds that came from him, were not filtered. They came straight from his heart, and it shook me to hear the depth at which he was hurting.

I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say. Where should I even begin?

He struggled to get on his feet. I seized his wrist, but he yanked himself away again. That was when I panicked.

"Levi," I protested. He still hasn't turned to face me. "Talk to me. Please."

Those words were originally his. I borrowed them.

They had a tug on his spirit. I could see it. He cocked his head in a specific way; he was fighting off thoughts. A bunch of them. I repeated for good measure, "Let's talk. Please?"

He only weeped more.

Something told me he didn't mean for this to happen in front of me.

There were plenty of things Levi and I agreed on. One of them was the idea of fairness. If he wanted me to treat him a certain way, he demonstrated that behavior to me. This is how I'd like to be treated. Please copy after me.

So without any more words, I walked over and held him. Just kept him there. There he was, in my arms. I got what I wanted, somewhat. It was enough.

Didn't ask questions. Didn't ask anything of him. It was only fair since he's done the same for me.

I rested my head on the side of his neck. It tensed and strained as he cried. After a while, his hands came up to grab onto my forearms, holding me back.

This was the most human he had ever been.