It all started when Zeke interrupted my day for the second time, on day thirty-five. I certainly couldn't tell Levi about this encounter, either.

I saw that he awaited me, and faced away for a second to roll my eyes as he said this, "How would you feel about becoming a demigod?"

Immediately, it sounded like a joke. I laughed. He couldn't see my contempt as I did it.

"You're thinking it's funny, but I'm serious."

I finally turned to face him. He wasn't smiling. I didn't think he was ever smiling. But he sounded so stupid right now. "Me? A demigod?"

"Absolutely," he said. "What? Do you not believe that's possible?"

"Nope," I took a swig of water. The bottle was a gift from Armin.

He read my body language carefully. There was no give in his expression. Nothing moved except for his mouth, "We have a relationship, you know. Whether you like it or not."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Elaborate."

"A killer-victim relationship, now don't be cute with me because I will be cutting your throat later."

Touché, asshole.

It was the nastiest look I had ever given anyone to their face.

I kept a gap between us when I sat down next to him on the ledge. He stayed where he was, polite enough not to close the distance.

"How do I become a demigod, Zeke?"

I thought I'd hear a long rope of steps. But no, the answer was simple. He said, with one finger up, "By doing the full thousand."

"No."

"Or," he continued, condescendingly, "You didn't let me finish. You either do the full thousand, or you go fetch me a thousand." I squinted at him. His finger that was pointing up, twisted to point down, "From hell."

So, it did exist. Was it biblically accurate, though?

I shook my head. "There's nothing that could motivate me to do that, Zeke."

I had all I needed. To be promised tonight with Levi, as well as tomorrow. Well, I was actually sixty-six away from that. But once this was all over and done with, Levi will not cry anymore. He won't have to see me leave through the same door, again and again.

"Don't you ever wanna jump between worlds just like us? Have some power? Be immortal?"

"Zeke, you literally sound fucking insane."

"Damn it, boy, I fucking know that." I was looking down at the bottle on my lap. I only heard the sound of him hopping onto his feet. As he abandoned his spot, his voice grew smaller. "Whatever. If you don't believe me, then don't believe me. I just thought you'd wanna hear about it, but since you wanna be an asshole, then so be it. Don't say I haven't been nice to you."

I stared into space. It looked like I ignored him, but I heard it all. I listened.

Nothing good is happening. Zeke knew I didn't like him. Petra wouldn't stop checking on me. Armin felt bad looking at me now. Levi is losing sanity. And I felt dead.

Be immortal?

What did he mean, if it wasn't what Levi already gave me?

I couldn't believe I let Zeke get to my head. Even when I returned to the platform, where Levi waited for me, his words stayed louder than my other thoughts.

Levi's head turned at the sound of my arrival. He sat up in his hammock. "Eren," he said. That has been his favorite greeting lately.

I sat in my own hammock this time, across from him.

He slowly leaned back. I knew why he did it. He had been leaning forward as I passed him, in anticipation that I lay him back down, as I had been doing for the past month. Now, I've just broken the habit that he made me create.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yeah." I wasn't. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"Well, you're dying," Levi's words sounded incomplete. It wasn't what he really wanted to say.

"You make it a better experience," I smiled.

I didn't like this change. I guess he grieved in his own way to cope with my deaths. The passion; it felt forced, and inorganic. But I wanted to do right by him.

Would we be like this if I never said yes to the sacrifices?

I watched him. He was watching me. I was watching him watch me, so in a way...I was watching myself? What a paradox.

His cheeks were a bit hollower. It was because he'd been pushing his powers, creating unbelievable worlds out of nothing, just to show me.

It was such an unlikely chance, but how could anyone blame him after Erwin? They both probably dove headfirst into it, not knowing that there was a risk. It wasn't only the worst possible outcome, it was also the least likely. And to think that it still happened.

It fucked with Levi's head, and some of that burden rubbed off on me.

I reached out to him. "Come here," I said.

I remembered December, when we had just met. Whenever I said this, it took him at least three seconds to start moving from where he was. At that point, he had yet to decide if he really liked me. To him, I was probably like a new coworker that needed everything to be explained to him.

I was all caught up now. And he did like me. More than I expected him to.

It was intimidating, how quickly he did as I said. It was different from our normal dynamic. I wanted the old Levi back. The one who wasn't so brittle and never got hurt. Now, when I called him over, he wasted no time slipping out of his hammock and diving into my arms.

I took him in, rested my lips on the side of his neck, and inhaled him. I could recognize this scent millions of years later. It would affect my taste in soap and candles in my next life if I reincarnated. I kissed his ear and said as gently as I could, "I love you." It was the first time.

He pulled away, giving our eyes barely enough room to lock. In his windows, I saw the lack of sparkle. His spirit in overdraft. But even through his depression, I saw that I still reached his heart. "Eren," his bottom eyelids quivered, and he had to close his eyes to keep his tears down. Then, with his hands on my shoulders and his nose just brushing mine, he said, "Make love to me."

Oh, how it tore at me. I just found it sad to see him decline like this. This whole mission was just one big fucked up game of Russian roulette, and me coming back once was like the gun clicking once. At this point, it was no longer him speaking. His normal self would never beg me like this.

But it was Levi, so I said, "Next time. I promise."

That day, Zeke was not where we last talked. So I waited to pull him outside right before my thirty-sixth sacrifice.

There wasn't much time. I checked to make sure no one else was around before saying, "You were serious about the demigod thing?"

"Yup," he was nonchalant, ruffling his own hair, igniting platinum fire in the sun.

"Won't I die in hell?"

"Not actually."

"No, Zeke. Is there a small chance or not?"

"I can make it so that there is none."

He was serious.

"How?" I said.

"I'll give you regeneration," his neck was lazy. He looked up at me while facing downward. "It will be impossible for them to kill you."

"Regeneration," I repeated.

Zeke held out his dagger, letting it hang from him fingers. "Try and stab me."

I took it. It was heavier than any metal I've held.

"We're gonna have a little duel. Strike me as many times as you can with that blade," he backed up, looking like a gym rat excited to sweat.

"I can't fight," I held it in one hand and jabbed the air. It slightly worked my arms.

"I'll go easy," said Zeke. "Come on."

I think he just wanted an adrenaline rush.

I got in a stance, concealing the dagger because it just sounded unwise to already be holding the knife out when Zeke knocked me to the ground. With his big hands that were fit for this type of situation, he held my head down.

I tried kicking him. Couldn't. He had me in a knot. So I turned my head and bit his thumb, hard. I had no other moves.

It came off. I hated the noise it made.

"Fuck!" he roared, letting me go. His bleeding hand was still up, and as we both got back on our feet, I watched the stump of his thumb steam up and grow taller. It almost happened too fast. I blinked twice and he had a thumb again.

I spit his old thumb out. It bounced twice off the ground. Disgusting. "So Levi can't do that?"

"He has to put his energy into healing. It happens instantly for me," he rested his hand in his pocket.

That was the perk of ruling war.

"What happens if you stab a god right here?" I pointed at my heart.

"His body will give up. But he will come back. Unless he evades me."

Most men hate to die. Gods can't die. But they can suffer. They could suffer for longer than men. And when you suffer too much, death starts to look good. That was the epitome of wanting what you can't have.

What I wanted, though, I could have. "What did you mean by, 'be immortal'?" I asked. It's been on my mind since he first said it.

"Like, not needing Levi's help to live forever. Bringing you here is costing him energy, you know."

It is?

I gripped the handle of the dagger, tight. "Why are you helping me?"

He froze for a second, then laughed to himself. "The reason is stupid," he shook his head. "Just know that I'm telling the truth. If you ever decide to do it, pull me aside or something. We'll work something out."

I couldn't focus on what Levi was saying at the altar ten minutes later. All I thought about was this: How much have I been taking from him?

I've never stuck myself inside a woman or man. Levi's never been on the receiving end of sex.

There was only one correct way.

When I asked him if he's ever done it with a man, he asked, "Which man do you mean?" Male person or a person of mankind?

I guided his hand down and said, "This one."

There it was. A smile from him, or what remained of one. He spoke in his medium-pitched voice, "Never."

He was on top. Careful not to shatter him, I held him close as I laid him on his back. His hands lingered on my arms as I pulled away, sitting up momentarily to peel my shirt off.

We both stopped to look at my body. He's never seen me without a shirt and I haven't looked in the mirror in weeks. I felt my chest, flexing as hard as I could. My skin was taut around muscle and bones. I had lost some weight, too.

I said, "Take it off, Levi."

He liked that I said his name. I rarely did unless I was angry.

He sat up and stripped out of his shirt. He was notorious for long-sleeves. I wasn't sure if it was a fashion choice or a way to conceal himself. I felt his obliques as the cloth passed above his head. When it landed on the floor, next to us, I told him, "Take it all off."

He looked down, then away. "You have to get off me for a second."

The pink on his cheeks will drive me crazy.

I smiled. "Never mind."

I took off his pants myself. I didn't tell him that I was new to this too. It was a chance for me to puff my chest at him. I wanted to have this.

The moment before it happened, I caught a glimpse of apprehension on his face. I shouldn't have looked into his eyes as I went in. He looked as if his entire being was at my disposal. Like he was giving me everything.

As I tangled him in my own sheets, my own bed, my own pity, he thought that I've done this before. I loved seeing every part of it. Him, unraveled in the way he was. I did that.

His sharp, but timid nails; like he didn't have the strength to put scars on me, even though I clawed and bit the hell out of him. Did he like it? He didn't stop me. He never did. He just took it all.

Beautiful. His agony, in all senses. He cried out in either hurt or pleasure. I couldn't tell. Those two sounds tended to be homophonous. I hoped it was enough. I hoped I was enough for him, like he was enough for me.

I held his wrist onto the bed, squeezing hard, hoping that he understood that that was as tight as he was on me. If I stayed still, he could surely cut off my circulation. So I didn't stop, even though he seemed to grab onto my arms, my chest, my shoulders, in protest.

His tongue drowning in both of our saliva. His eyes that appeared to weep, even while no tears fell.

No. Stop. You're hurting me. I can't take this.

But when I closed my eyes…Yes. Fuck, yes.

"Eren, yes!"

It was the warmest his body had ever been.

I hoped it was enough to thaw his heart.

"I'm gonna take a minute outside."

Levi couldn't hide his concern when he came up to me. "You've been taking a lot of those."

If my eyes were cameras, I would've taken a few shots right there. Capture the glowing shapes the sun was bestowing upon his face. I couldn't believe I just had sex with him.

I kissed his forehead and smiled for his reassurance. "I'll be back."

Zeke waited in the back of the temple in case I wanted to meet again. I did. And I felt the need to apologize about my shitty attitude the other day, but he seemed to forget about it, so I held my tongue.

"How are we gonna do this?" I said.

"All I have to do is touch you and you'll share my power for however long I want. But we need an excuse for you disappearing. Ask Armin to cover for you while we're down there."

"Armin would never cover for me."

"You don't know that." That was his favorite line. "If he says no, then your only other option is Petra. Because it certainly won't be me. If you can't do that then we can't go." He ended off with a shrug.

What was the reason, and why was it stupid?

I began back into the temple and threw over my shoulder, "Hope this isn't a trap, Zeke."

He said nothing.