My Name Is...!
- An Oregairu fanfic -

Chapter 1 - Status Quo

"Have you decided on your name?"

I stare at the silver-haired man in front of me, his glasses shining ominously in the afternoon light. The rest of his face was hidden behind a stiff plastic cover, a caricature of a fantasy battle printed on its hard exterior with some of the paint starting to peel off. The clubroom was still just as quiet as ever, which meant that the sound of dice hitting the table rang like a bell. Which meant that the tubby bastard had rolled behind my back. When we're still in character creation.

Truly, what an asshat. "No."

"Well, you are lucky to be blessed with such good fortune!" The bastard crowed, cackling like an evil mastermind just about to reveal his master plan. I can only let out a painful sigh, hiding the exasperated expression etched onto my face with a hand as he continues on speaking. "I, the Great General-Shogun, have foreseen such an event, and thus had prepared accordingly. Behold my benevolence, for I shall now bestow you a name befitting to one such as yourself–!"

"Zaimokuza..."

Alas, I was too late. The tubby bastard had snatched my character sheet out of his hands, and hid it behind the plastic screen that covered his side of the table. With great haste, he began scribbling onto my character sheet, and I dreaded what he would put in there. The worst part was, this wasn't the first time that he ran roughshod over my character's carefully-curated stats. Damn you. Damn you to the deepest pits of hell, Zaimokuza Yoshiteru.

Feris Thunderwrath will be forever remembered in my heart. Now stop shoving your poorly-written characters into my face. "There! Now, your name shall be known to the whole world as… Odachidono!"

He must've thought it a great name, to be able to scream it out loud. None of us shared the same opinion, however. Unlike me, Oto-sensei didn't pay a lick of attention to Zaimokuza, instead lazily poking away at the paperwork in front of him, as if hoping that some kind of magic spell would fill up the forms. Sadly, reality didn't work that way, which left our club advisor blankly staring at a small stack of paperwork with eyes that looked like he wanted to be anywhere else but here.

Going back to more present matters, my reply to Zaimokuza's declaration was simple and resolute. I glared, set my face into stone, and gritted out a reply. "And what's that supposed to mean? This is a DnD campaign, for goodness's sake."

The tubby bastard blinked, the confusion in his eyes genuine, as if he was wondering whether or not I got swapped by a doppelganger or something. "Didn't sensei tell you that we'd be doing homebrew campaigns this month?"

He didn't.

My glare turns towards Oto, still stuck in a self-perpetuating loop of poking the paperwork until it signed itself, but alas even my most venomous glares couldn't drag him out of his happy place. Truly, paperwork is a frightening thing. Hopefully I'd be able to avoid such a thing in the future. Still, I'd wish for our club advisor to be hounded by staplers and paper clips and whatever bureaucratic implements of torture that might be best used to optimize pain.

You don't just say that we're doing homebrew for the entire month without informing me, sensei. Have you seen Zaimokuza and his 'homebrews'? He'd be better off as a writer, for goodness's sake. A bad one yes, but I'd take his shitty writing over being force into one of his 'original campaigns' any day of the week.

"… He didn't." Zaimokuza nodded and hummed, nevertheless trying to shove my… 'changed', character sheet into my face. An action that I quickly swatted down with a glare, and slapping the damnable thing into the middle of the table. I will die on this hill, Zaimokuza. Your piddling editing skills wouldn't be able to break my will anytime soon.

"Well, since you lost the rock, paper, scissors match last meeting–" I blink, gawking at the tubby bastard to expound upon the matter, "–I was the first one to do a campaign and everything. Which is why, o' glorious retainer, that this entire game is set in the Warring States Era, serving as the devout vassal of the great Ashikaga Yoshiteru! This campaign's goal is to protect your liege's throne from conniving vassals and outside threats alike that seek to oust him from power, which would require a mix of diplomacy, politicking, and subterfuge–"

"Then why the hell are we using DnD?" I could think of a few systems that could work a bit better.

"–SILENCE! None shall question the wisdom of the Great General Shogun!" I truly did. Not to mention that his bout of screaming made me wince from the sheer volume. Where did you get your lungs, o' Great General Shogun? Do they grow larger the bigger you are? If so, then I don't think that the extra size is worth the capability to blow out my eardrums. "… Now to be honest I wasn't exactly thinking about things that hard when I made this entire campaign, but it'll be fine! There's still gonna be adventures and stuff, so don't you worry."

I stare.

"Adventures and stuff." I parroted, dark thoughts passing through my mind as I wondered what was the best way to verbally butcher the tubby bastard in front of me. "Adventures and stuff, he said…"

"Yes, that's what I just said a few second ago. You don't have to repeat it, Niji." My eye twitched, but I knew better than to interrupt the tubby bastard now. Or well, I know that I should – goodness knows how many campaigns have been derailed by Zaimokuza's chuuni-ness, at this point – but I just couldn't find it within myself to care.

"Now, you shall be playing as the great Ashikaga's foremost vassal and right-hand man. Rumors among the more disreputable members of the court has started to murmur that you and Ashikaga-dono are in a forbidden relationship with one another and–"

"Stop." I held out a hand as I did so, my expression just a few odd triggers away from blowing my top, "I know that it probably happened or something since you're the one doing research into all of this and stuff, but could we not?"

Zaimokuza stares. His gray eyes narrow behind his lenses, and pushes his glasses further up the bridge of his nose. Not to be outdone, I massage my temples to try and get rid of the small migraine that I am now currently experiencing, trying to reach out to the only adult in the room with faux-telepathy.

Oto, I would really like your help right now. It would certainly be nice if you stopped staring at the paperwork that you're supposed to fill out and help me with curbing Zaimokuza's tendencies to blabber about this topic or that.

"… We could, though?"

"No." I snap, letting out an aggrieved sigh. Fine, he's going to play hardball? I could do hardball. "... Also, this little hobby-thing started just a few weeks ago. While I'm glad that you're actually attending instead of just wandering around the school in your off time, I don't think that it's really that much of a benchmark for any sort of attraction to form. Don't you think so, too?"

He blinks. "Wait."

I ignored Zaimokuza and continued on with my own rambling. "Sure, I mean, you're pretty good to be around even when you're annoying around ninety percent of the time, but… This is just too fast of a time-frame? We only got this started just a week ago. Also, I'm pretty sure that you're projecting something onto me if this is how you're going to do the campaign. While I'm on board with most of what you crap out most of the time – despite my abject objections otherwise – I have the sinking feeling that this is going to be stepping out of line and–"

"No, it's really not like that, so you better shut it before someone hears!" Zaimokuza hurriedly replies, leaning forward to put a hand over my face. He blatantly ignored the fact that he had to topple over the plastic cover while doing so, which meant that I could take a sneak peek at all of his notes. What the hell is that? Why are there oni in Sengoku-era Japan? I thought this was going to be about diplomacy and intrigue, so what the hell are exorcists doing there, exactly? "... Um, well. Besides, there's better options out there, Niji-san. No offense."

That's pretty offensive.

Still, I'll let that slide out of the - hrk - goodness of my heart. I let out a sigh, waving a hand in front of Oto, and this time the attempt to get his attention had apparently done something. I watched as our wayward advisor's eyes followed my limb in a trance, before turning back towards my conversation partner. "Look Zaimokuza, while it's pretty interesting and all that, I think you better change the names unless you want to look like you're projecting yourself onto something. That, and let me change my character's name."

"But the historical accuracy–"

"All of it's make-believe, there's no historical accuracy."

The tubby bastard growled. "It's a point in your favor o' glorious retainer, but there's something more spicy in the way that these events could translate into real life!"

"There's nothing spicy about this." I snapped back, quickly using my phone to search the internet for something related to this 'Odachidono'. A few clicks later, an article from good ol' Wikipedia, and checking the sources in the excerpt leads me to change my expression into something resembling utter disgust, flipping my phone around and showing it to Zaimokuza. "There. Read that. Read that, and tell me if there's anything spicy about that. I'm waiting."

It takes a few seconds of the tubby bastard reading through the article, but Zaimokuza seems to stand by whatever he found, turning towards me with a hard expression. "It is as written, o' glorious retainer. Nonetheless, the article does not go into the depths of such a relationship, so it should be fine, yes? It serves as perfect background material for the backdrop of the Warring States Era, and–"

He didn't read it at all.

"First off, none of those made any sense whatsoever." I cut in, "And second, are you really trying to make me explore whatever depths of debauchery these… whatever these two did?"

Zaimokuza groaned, rolling his eyes at me. Oh, he was exasperated alright, but I was the one who reached that state of exasperation first, and so I'm the one that's going to be left standing after all of this is over. "Come on Niji-san, the relationship between the two isn't entirely that bad–"

"'The strong sexual love relationship between Yoshiteru and his squire, Odachidono'." I drawled. "It's right there, written word for word, and if you think that it's a good idea for both of us to act this sort of tripe out, then I'm not gonna do so."

I crossed my arms over my chest and let out a scoff. Zaimokuza blinks, snatching my phone a second later, and he begins reading through the article once more. A few seconds later, he drops my phone on the table, the blood draining from his face.

Words could not describe the feeling of victory on my lips, all but expressed into the smuggest of smirks. "… I see you actually read through the damn thing this time around."

"Bwuh?"

With a grumble, I take my phone back and stuff it in my pockets, letting out a few curses at the tubby bastard while he was in the middle of having some sort of mental breakdown. Alas, such a waste of time spent world-building whatever crazy world that Zaimokuza had written up. His efforts shall be regarded as a mastercraft of what not to do when you're working off on incomplete information.

Hence, why I decided to steer the conversation into a more productive train of thought. Which of course, first entailed snapping our club advisor's attention out of his paperwork-induced coma.

Oto jolts, the sound of my hands slamming against the table sending him into action… and causing him to scrawl out an ugly line throughout the form that he was supposed to be filling out. He takes one look at the form and another look at the pen, before turning towards me with a frown. At least, I think it's a frown. Frankly, it was more or less a disapproving pout than anything else. "Niji, I was working!"

"Spacing out isn't what I'd call 'working'." I drawled, clapping my hands to garner Zaimokuza's attention. "Now onto more pertinent topics, gentlemen. As you can see, our little 'club' has nothing but two members, Oto-sensei excluded since he's a grown-up, and is supposed to be doing whatever teachers do in their off time. Which is not supposed to be hiding out in an abandoned classroom like the two of us. Shouldn't you be in the faculty room or something?"

"Hey…" I ignored our club advisor who had begun filling out more paperwork, and turned towards the tubby bastard with a raised brow.

"Is there anything bad about that?" I ignored Zaimokuza's question as well. My hands slam the table, making the pair jump once more, and I speak.

Loud, clear, concise. An outside observer might testify that I was yelling, but sadly witness testimonies are unreliable unless they have some solid evidence. And a recording. Plus it won't be valid unless they were actually just standing outside. "As of a month since the formation of this 'club', we've got two members. Two! A month since the school year started, and with the whole shebang of recruiting individuals having come and gone, and nothing. Not even a third member so we could be nominally considered as a 'club'!"

"Glorious retainer, like I had iterated but a few moments ago, is there anything bad about that–"

"Yes, there's something bad about that!" I shrieked, pointing a hand in Zaimokuza's direction, politeness and manners be damned. "We can't play tabletop games with two people and a deadbeat club advisor, we need at least five! Or four. Most likely four, since you don't seem like the type to interact with other people all that much–"

""Hey!""

"What, it's true! Don't say otherwise."

Oto-sensei tried to speak, but quickly withdrew his objections and grumbled to himself, scribbling down a few more sentences in the forms that he was supposed to be filling out. As such, it left both Zaimokuza and I to have the same wayward conversation from the week before. This time however, things were going to be different. I was going to drag Zaimokuza out of this club room, force him to go recruiting with me, and–

"O' glorious retainer, you mistake your liege's lack of capability with other individuals as a sign of my weakness, but nay! I have scouted out an individual that might be a good fit for this club of ours!"

That... was a surprise.

Zaimokuza looked smug as all hell as I gawked at him, and even went into a pose that only demonstrated his chuuni-ness for all to see. Sadly, I was the only one who was able to see it, and thus my boos and jeers were unable to get through the bastard's thick skin. "Fufu, bask in the gloriousness that is I, the Great General Shogun."

I had only one response. "Did you bribe someone?"

"No!" The tubby bastard shrieked, "He's just someone I know from PE classes, is all! You know the days in practicals where we team up with another class and do exercise in the yard and the like?"

Yes. Even if the mention of PE made me want to retch from phantom muscle cramps. "Go on..."

"Well, he's from another class. I met him a year ago."

My nose scrunches in confusion. And irritation. And a dozen other emotions that went through me at the same time, until it more or less settled on exasperation. Which is to say, my normal expression when dealing with Zaimokuza. Oh, look the migraine from before is back... "Then why didn't you invite him here? We could've started up the club weeks ago if you didn't dally."

Zaimokuza winces, staring at the window as a shadow crosses over his face. "Well… he got taken up into another club."

"So?" I asked, not really getting where this was going, "Look, just because he got dragged into another club doesn't mean that you can't drag him back into yours. If they're your friend, then it should be easy to make them join the club that you're in."

At least, that's how I saw things. Judging by the tubby bastard's hunched shoulders however, it might seem that things are more complicated than I had expected. "I… well… Yeah, but… we're not exactly friends…? A-And… you know… them, and all that…"

For goodness's sake, this wasn't the time to be playing the pronoun game. We need people in this club, and I'll be damned if Zaimokuza tries to make it harder than it should be. "So you're not exactly friends with them? Alright, sure, I can still probably convince them to join. What's with 'them', though? Other people that you don't get along with?"

"He's… well…" He sniffs. For a second or two, I thought that Zaimokuza might be crying, but it was most likely a trick of the light. "… He's in a club with girls…"

...

Why.

What disservice did women do to you, Zaimokuza- Actually, scratch that. I can see why. Even if it actually pains me to think about it, considering that you're by all means a decent enough guy. Still, I can see why others would get off to a wrong impression, what with the… chuuni-ness and all that. Nonetheless, I can work with this. The additional detail doesn't really dissuade me. Even if Zaimokuza thinks that it's a bit too much for his tastes.

"So, what's your friend-but-not-exactly-friend's name?" I ask, fingers drumming on the table with a clear air of exasperation around me. Whoever this person is, they had successfully managed Zaimokuza. For over a year, at that. That must count for something, right?

"Hikigaya Hachiman…" Zaimokuza mutters while twiddling his thumbs, "The Great Bodhisattva… The only one that I can truly call my equal…"

Alright, I can work with that. A quick search in the school's online directory leads me to the man. A Class 2-F, a frightening ID picture, and a… currently in the Service Club?

What the hell is that?