Lana and I have been dating for about two months now. I use the term dating loosely. We do spend every weekend together and though we haven't talked about being exclusive neither of us are seeing other people. Okay, so maybe we are dating. But I don't like labels. I've never called her my girlfriend and she's never called me her boyfriend. We're just friends… with benefits? No, that would be another label. We're just two people, just Caden and Lana and that's it.

"Who ya textin, your girlfriend?" I look up from my phone to see Johnny taking off his boots. He's grinning mischievously at me, he knows I hate labels like that, so he throws them at me any chance he gets.

"Shove it before I tell Uncle Dean it was you that yanked the door off the potting shed, and you get saddled with more chores than you already have."

Johnny's eyes narrow. "Shut up.

I narrow mine back. "You shut up."

"Okay."

"Okay."

With that Johnny turns and heads toward the shower. We have so much dirt on each other we could each get the other one grounded for the rest of his life if we wanted to. Honestly, I'd never rat my cousin out, we don't do that, but I will hold something over his head if he gets on my nerves enough. As it is, Johnny is already stuck with extra chores for the next two weeks for failing to weed the gardens last weekend. Sounds insignificant but we have five separate gardens and they're all large, the job takes a few hours and Uncle Dean was not happy about having to pick up Johnny's slack.

Ever since then he's been doing extra chores pretty much every free minute that he's home. I think my dad and uncle are just making busy work for him at this point, they just had him out in the woods collecting sticks for the past three hours. Collecting sticks in the woods.

Tonight, Lana and I are going to a party with a few of her friends. I don't know these kids because they don't go to our school, she knows them from her dance class. That's right, she's a dancer. The party is supposed to be lowkey, just a dozen people, campfire, music, sodas; nothing crazy. I don't know why I'm se nervous. Probably because I've never met any of her dance friends before, I wonder if there are any guys in her dance class or if they're all girls. She told me to invite Johnny along, maybe she was trying to even out the guy to girl ratio, or maybe she was just trying to be nice.

Johnny agreed to go along, he didn't sound all that enthused, even when I told him all the girls were dancers. I think he mostly just wants to get away from my uncle and dad and their innovative list of chores.

We picked Lana up at seven and headed to the party. Johnny drove, he's a few months older than me so he got the restrictions off his license first. I didn't mind though, him driving means I get to sit in the back with Lana.

"Ugh, will you guys knock it off?" Johnny scowls at us through the rear-view mirror. I pull my lips off of Lana's to give him a grin.

"Sorry, man. I couldn't keep my lips off of her if I tried." I lightly bite her bottom lip and she lets out a giggle.

"I feel like a damn chauffeur with you two riding in the back."

"In that case, put up the patrician and shut your mouth, driver."

Johnny rolls the back windows down and puts the child lock on so we can't roll them back up. The wind is gusting through the back seat like a tornado as he drives down the near empty highway.

"OKAY," I yell. "We'll stop just roll them up."

Johnny slowly rolls the windows back up with a grin.

Lana begins trying to smooth down her hair. "That was an asshole thing to do, Johnny," She scolds. "It took me an hour to do my hair tonight."

Johnny shrugs. "Oh, relax. You could be bald, and my cousin still wouldn't be able to keep his hands off you."

Lana and I smile because he's right.

We pull up to the house and my eyes widen at the size of it. It's at least three times the size of our little ranch house, probably more.

"Damn," Johnny says under his breath.

We exit the car and make our way to the back; we can already see the smoke from the bonfire. Lana runs ahead and hugs each of her friends. I note five other girls and only two other guys, though by looking at them I don't think they're dancers.

"Caden, Johnny," she points us around with her arm still wrapped around one of the other girls. "This is Kendall, Annie, Penny, Taylor, Kayla, Brock, and Clyde."

"No way I'm remembering all of that." Johnny mumbles to me.

Not being the impolite ass that my cousin is, I walk around and shake everyone's hand. We all take a seat around the fire and the girls begin catching up.

Brock turns to me and Johnny. "Which one of you is dating Lana?"

"Me," I say. "But we're not dating."

"Oh," Clyde chimes in. "So, she's free game then?"

I grab a soda out of the cooler and point it in Clyde's direction. "No."

"So, she is your girlfriend." Johnny adds, grinning like an idiot.

I roll my eyes. "Ya'll have five other girls to choose from, take your pick, just not my girl."

I don't like the devious smile on Clyde's face, but I decide to leave it there. Clyde and Brock get up to play a game of bags and as far as I'm concerned, the conversation is over.

A while later a song comes on and the girls all start to squeal. "I love this song!" Annie says. She pulls the other girls up and they all start to dance. Kendall walks over and pulls Johnny up by the arm and the two start dancing together.

"Dance with me?" Lana asks. She's standing over me and the light from the bonfire behind her casts a halo of light above her head.

"Sure," I smile.

It's not a slow song so it isn't an intimate dance, but we're still dancing close. Her thigh is brushing against me, and I feel myself begin to get hard. I spin her around and press my mouth to hers. Her lips part as mine come to meet hers, giving my tongue full access to her mouth. The song ends and a new one begins but we don't stop. A tap on the shoulder pulls me out of the moment. I turn to see Clyde behind me holding out two beers.

"Beer?" He grins.

I give him a glare. I don't know what it is, but I really don't like this guy. "No, I'm good."

"Oh, come on, Caden," Lana smiles at me as she takes the cans from Clyde. "Have a beer with me."

God, I just can't resist her sweet voice. She could ask me to jump off a cliff and I'd probably do it. I take the beer from her and crack it open. Out of my peripheral vision I spot Johnny accepting a beer from Brock.

"Johnny," I call to him. "You're DD, remember?"

Johnny scoffs. "When did we agree to that?"

I walk over to him and take the beer out of his hand. "When you agreed to drive. I'm not letting you endanger my girl. Besides," I add quietly. "Your dad will kill you if you drink and drive."

He rolls his eyes, but he knows I'm right because he settles for a soda before going back to talking to Kendall.

Lana and I sit together by the fire sipping our beers. We're both sitting on the ground and she's leaning up against my chest. She looks up at me and plants the gentlest kiss on my cheek. Her lips barely touch me, but I can feel the spark course through me as if I'd been struck by lightning.

I finish the beer and suddenly have the urge to pee. I pull Lana up with me, plant a kiss on the top of her head and let her know I'll be right back. As I step away from the fire and into the darkness, I stumble. I don't consider myself a lightweight by any means but I'm not a big drinker. I'm sixteen and have only had a handful of beers in my life. This one must have been a little stronger than I'm used to because it went straight to my head. I make it to the bushes behind the house, take a leak, and head back to the group.

When I make it back to the fire Lana is no longer in the chair I left her in. I take a quick scan and see her dancing again, with Clyde. Anger courses through me as I stomp my way over to them. Clyde whispers something in her ear and she giggles. I walk right up to Clyde and shove him as hard as I can.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Caden!" Lana yells.

"Dude, what's your problem?" Clyde steps toward me. "Possessive much? We were just talking."

"Yeah, well stop." My voice is loud and everyone else has turned to look at the confrontation happening.

Clyde gets in my face and speaks so only I can hear him. "Or what?"

I don't know if it's the beer, the hormones, the adrenaline, or the fact that I just cannot stand this guy, but something takes over me. I punch him square in the face and he falls to the ground with the thud.

"What the fuck?" Brock and Johnny yell simultaneously. They both rush toward me but Brock gets there first. He grabs the front of my shirt with his hands, so I sweep his leg out from under him. He's still holding me so when he falls he pulls me down with him. We pull ourselves back up and Johnny tries to separate us. Brock gives Johnny a shove sending him into the dirt.

Then all hell breaks loose.

Brock and I are on the ground pummeling the shit out of each other, the girls are all screaming, and Johnny is trying his best to break it up but he can barely tell who is who with all the limbs flying. At some point Brock and I separate, still on the ground, and Lana comes up behind me trying to pull me away from the situation. It's then that I do the dumbest thing I've ever done. I push her. Hard.

Lana falls backward onto the ground, hitting her elbow on one of the tree stumps turned campfire stool. Suddenly everything goes silent. Nobody moves except me as I scramble up and turn to Lana. Her eyes are already full of tears though I'm pretty sure the pain in her elbow has nothing to do with it. I step toward her to help her up, but she yells "DON'T!"

I stop in my tracks as the other girls rush to help her up. Clyde is still unconscious on the ground, and Brock finally stands up. He looks at Lana then crosses his arms. "Why don't you two just get the fuck out of here?"

I don't move. I'm frozen in place wishing more than anything that I could take back the last five minutes of my life. Johnny grabs my arm and half drags me to the truck. He stuffs in me in the passenger seat, he hops into the driver's seat and pulls the truck out of the driveway.

The drive home is silent. Johnny tries to get me to tell him what the hell happened, but I don't feel like talking. Even if I did, I couldn't tell him because I don't even know what the hell happened back there. When we pull into the drive to the small ranch house Johnny turns to me.

"Dude, your face. We need to get you cleaned up."

I shake my head.

"If we don't fix you up your dad is gonna know something happened."

I slowly shake my head. "He deserves to know. I deserve to be punished."

Johnny grabs my arm and shakes me. "Dude, snap out of it! If your dad finds out you were in a fight, he'll beat you worse than Brock did."

I continue looking forward. Nothing my dad, uncle, grandfather, or anyone could do would make me feel worse than I do right now. I pushed Lana. I hit a girl. I deserve whatever is coming to me and then some.

I unbuckle my seatbelt and slide out of the car. "I deserve it." I say as I walk toward the little blue ranch house.

When we get inside grandpa is the first one to see me.

"Caden, what the hell happened to you?"

My grandfather's words reach the ears of my father and uncle, and they all gather around me to inspect the damage.

"Caden, what happened?" Dad asks.

I sit on the couch without saying a word.

Uncle Dean looks to Johnny. "Johnny," he points to me. "What happened."

Johnny shrugs. "Caden will tell you?"

Dad is in my face; he's inspecting the wounds on my face. He gently pulls my shirt off to check for bruises on my torso.

He sniffs. "Caden, do I smell beer on your breath?"

I nod without uttering a word.

"Caden!" My dad's voice is booming. "Tell me what happened."

I look to him with tear filled eyes, then the entire story about the night comes out. With a shaky voice I tell him all about the beer, the fight, and Lana. I'm bawling by the time I get to the end.

My dad hugs me. I expect him to scold me, to yell at me. But instead, he just holds me as I bawl into his shoulder. I fucked up; I know I did. I hurt one of the people who means the most to me and I know nothing I can do will fix it; nothing will make it go away.

"Shhhh," Dad holds me. "It's okay son. Everything is going to be okay."

Johnny and I are sent to bed. It's 9:30 and we're sent to bed. I'm so exhausted from the chaos of the evening that I fall asleep instantly. When I wake up the sun is barely breaking through the sky. I know it's early, but I rise anyway and head into the kitchen.

Dad is in there making a pot of coffee. I sit at the table without saying a word. I put my head down on the table and cover it with my arms. Dad comes over and patiently rubs my back. I look up to him with tear filled eyes.

"Will you drive me to her house?" I ask. I know I can't drive over there myself. My nerves are still shot, and I probably won't be allowed to drive right now anyway. "I need to apologize to her." I add.

Dad and I pull up to Lana's house a little after 8. I sit in the front seat for a few minutes without making a move, without saying a word. I know I need to apologize to her, but I don't know what to say. No words I can mutter will make up for what I did to her.

Dad encourages me to get out of the car and next thing I know I'm knocking on her front door. She must have told her parents what happened because when her father opens the door he looks at me like he wants to kill me.

"What do you want?" He asks.

"I'm sorry, sir," I start. "I just need to talk to Lana; I need to apologize. Please."

He steps aside and allows me inside. A minute later Lana comes down the stairs. She looks like she hasn't slept all night. I know how she feels. Her elbow is wrapped in a tight bandage but the hurt in her eyes looks worse than anything else.

"Lana," I start, my eyes fill with tears. "I'm so sorry."

She shakes her head. "I don't want your apology. I don't want you back. I don't want you at all."

I feel the tears fall down my cheeks; I can taste the saltiness of them in my mouth. "I won't ask for you to take me back. I don't deserve your love. In fact, even if you wanted to take me back, I wouldn't let you, because you deserve better than the way I treated you last night. I just needed you to know that I'm sorry, and I'll spend every day from here on out regretting what I did to you."

She does something unexpected then, she wraps me in a hug. I melt into her and we both silently cry. We mourn the loss of whatever it was that we had. The bond we shared that is now broken.

When we get back home dad instantly leads me to the couch. "We need to talk about what happened last night," he says.

I nod.

"You were drinking?" Dad asks.

"Yes, sir."

"You got into a fight?"

Yes, sir."

"You… hit your girlfriend?"

I sniffle trying to hold back the tears trying to fall from my eyes again. "Yes, sir."

Dad nods. He beings pacing the floor. I can tell he's at a loss of what to do. We both know I deserve some sort of punishment, but he seems conflicted with what to do.

"I'm not sure what to do here, son. The way you acted was obviously an emotional response and I want to be sensitive to that, but I think we both know your actions last night deserve some sort of repercussion."

I look down at my feet. My eyes threaten to fill with tears again. What I did last night hurting Lana, it's the worst thing I've ever done, and I won't let my dad let me off with anything less than I deserve. "I deserve a whipping, sir."

Dad shakes his head. "I'm not sure that you do, son. We all make mistakes, and I can see how remorseful you are."

I shake my head. "No, dad," I look him in the eye. "I deserve a whipping. I drank, I started a fight, and I hurt someone who meant a hell of a lot to me. Anything less would be an injustice." I can see I have his attention now. "Please, dad."

Dad nods. He can see that I need this. I'll never be able to clear my conscious without this whipping. My heart is broken from the way I acted last night. Lana may never forgive me, and I don't expect her to; in fact, I hope she doesn't. But this, this is the only way I'll be able to forgive myself.

Dad pulls his belt through the loops of his jeans. He motions for me to stand up and nods toward the couch telling me to lean over. Dad doesn't tell me to, but I lower my jeans and boxers before assuming the position. I don't deserve that small semblance of protection.

Without saying a word dad begins whipping my backside with the belt. I'm not sure if he's going lighter than usual but it doesn't feel as harsh as I'm used to.

"Dad, please."

He must understand what I'm asking because he starts swinging harder and faster. The blows are forceful, pushing me forward into the couch cushions. I don't make a sound; I don't deserve to cry. I fucked up worse than I've ever fucked up in my life and the least I can do is take my punishment like a man. I remain stoic for as long as I can but after a few minutes dad starts swinging harder, he lowers the belt to the crease where thigh meets ass and as hard as I try I can't hold in the sounds that escape my lips. I'm weak, I'm so weak.

As dad picks up the pace, I grip the cushions of the couch tighter, trying to contain my tears. Finally, dad lowers the belt to my thighs and the sobs break free from my lips. I think this was his plan, he doesn't deliver a spanking without making the spankee cry. Besides, I think he knew I needed to cry to fully release the emotions I've been building up since the incident.

Eventually, dad stops. I continue to sob into the couch cushions as if he were still swinging. Dad pulls me up and forces me into a hug even as I resist. I don't deserve the comfort.

"Shhhhh," Dad whispers. "It's okay, son. You're okay. It's all over now. You're forgiven."

I shake my head as I continue to bawl into his shirt.

"Caden, listen to me," He pulls me away and forces me to look him in the eye. "You made a mistake. We all make mistakes. But you're forgiven. You need to forgive yourself; you need to move on."

I sniffle and wipe my nose on my shirt.

"Do you understand, son?"

I release another sob as I slowly nod.

"Shhhh. I love you, son."

"I love you too, dad." I squeak out.

"I know you'll never do anything like this again. I'm not worried about that. I'm worried about you. I need you to give yourself grace. I know how broken up you are about what you did; but it's done. It's done and you apologized, and you paid the price, and now you need to show yourself forgiveness and move on from this. You hear me?"

I take a deep breath and wipe the newest tears that have fallen down my face. "I hear you, sir."

Dad nods. "Good." He kisses the top of my head. "Now go take a anp. And when you wake up, I want you to have let all this go. No more beating yourself about it, okay."

"Okay."

"I love you, Caden."

"I love you too, dad."