Note: Y/N- your name
Y/U/N - your undercover name
Y/L/N - your last name
Y/N/N - your nickname
Letting out tense breath, you mull over everything John had just said. "This whole idea feels weird..." you finally speak up.
"I know it does... but we really don't have any other choice. They believe we're a couple and soon they'll find it suspicious..." John responds.
"Fine... how are we going to do this then?" you sigh, finally giving in.
"We don't have to go the entire way, it just has to be enough to convince them that we're a couple" John tries to reassure you.
Nodding your head in agreement, "you can go and get comfortable... I'll be out in minute."
After John had left the bathroom, you were staring at your reflection in the mirror, still trying to wrap your head around what was about to happen.
The truth was that the weird feeling you felt was not one of mortification that you were going to have to be intimate with your partner, it was one of excitement instead.
For years you had been in love with John Winchester and you still were till this day, but that was something you would never tell him.
John and you have been partners for almost five years now and you have known him for even longer than that. You were initially friends with his eldest son, Dean; the two of you had become close friends during your training days in the academy.
Dean was like the little brother you never had and he would always jokingly say that you were the nagging older sister he wished he had.
The first time you met John was the day Dean and you graduated from the academy and officially became officers of the law. That was the day your life would forever be changed, the day your torture of having to be around John Winchester on a constant began.
(Flashback)
Dean and you were posing for picture with a few of the other graduates when suddenly you heard a voice calling out, "Dean, son."
Dean's arm was still slang around your shoulders, so when he turned around to face the person calling out to him, you were automatically turning with him.
"Dad!" Dean responds with a smile, letting go of you to go and greet his father with a hug.
"Congratulations son. You sure made this old man proud." The elder Winchester smiled at his son with pride.
"Thanks dad... where's Sammy?" Dean looks around in search of someone.
"He couldn't make it, something about studying for a big exam on Monday. Told me to tell you congratulation and that he'll see you soon." The elder Winchester explains.
Remembering that you were still standing there, just staring at them, Dean begins to introduce you. "Oh, yeah. Dad, this is Y/N my-"
"Girlfriend?" the elder Winchester interrupts Dean, causing you both to burst out in laughter.
"Nooo..." Dean corrects him with a chuckle, "We're just friends, best friends actually. She's the reason I made it till here, kept my ass in line like the annoying big sister she believes herself to be."
You then did what you do every time Dean referred to you as annoying; you stuck your tongue out at him in retaliation.
"See what I mean..." Dean chuckles, slinging an arm over your shoulders again and pulls you closer to stand in front of his father.
"It's a pleasure to meet you Mr. Winchester, Sir." You smile at his father, holding a hand out in greeting.
Gripping a hold of your hand, he faintly smiles down at you, "please... call me John. And congratulations to you as well."
You were suddenly caught off guard by the electrical sparks you then felt shoot through your body the minute John took hold of your hand. That was the exact moment you knew that John Winchester would be the cause of many an agonising aspect yet to come in your life.
(End of flashback)
Taking a deep breath, you looked yourself over once more in the mirror, "It's now or never I guess."
John was lying on the bed in his boxers when you entered the bedroom, "hey, you ok?" John props himself on an elbow, concerningly staring at you.
Exhaling softly, you smile at him, "peachy-"
"Come here baby" John wiggles his fingers at you with a low growl, causing you to arch a brow at him. John shruggingly tilts his head to show you he was trying to make things seem more believable.
Doing your best to plaster on a seductive smile then, you remove the robe you were wearing, revealing the sexy black silk negligee underneath and make your way to the bed.
You were so lost in your own nervous thoughts that you never noticed the look in John's eyes change the moment you had removed the robe.
Truth was, John had always seen you as a very beautiful woman, a guy had to be blind not to see it. John was old, not dead and sure as hell had perfectly good eyesight. So, when it came to the effect you had on men, John himself wasn't even immune to it.
You got onto the bed, turning on your side to face John. "You ready?" John gently asks you.
Biting into your lower lip, you slowly nod your head at him in answer. Your breath then suddenly hitches in your throat when John gently placed a warm, calloused hand on your bare knee.
"If you start feeling uncomfortable at anytime just say the word; RAIN and I'll immediately stop." John instructs you and begins slowly running his hand from your knee and up your thigh.
"O-ok..." you breathlessly murmur, "w-what do you want me to do though?"
"Don't worry about that, I don't' want to make this anymore unconformable than it already will be for you. I'll do all the work, you just have to sell it that we're a real couple enjoying a sex session" John reassures you.
Before you could nod your head or say a word in response, John's hand slid further up and under your negligee. You let out a little gasp when John tightly grips at your hip but it's immediately silenced by his lips crashing against your own.
Your hands clutch onto John's shoulders then as you open your mouth for him, allowing him to deepen the kiss.
Your heartbeat then starts to quicken when John pushes you down onto your back, pressing you into the mattress with his weight as he lays in over you.
"Just relax and let me do all the work..." John whispers in your ear while pressing kisses against your neck.
You let out a little whimper when you feel the warmth of John's large hand cupping you through your panties. John then pushes them aside, sliding a finger between your holds.
You shut your eyes at the contact, knowing that you were wet and had been the second you left the bathroom. Embarrassed that John would now realise your secret; that instead of being uncomfortable as he believed, you were in actual fact extremely turned on by what was happening.
John's hands hook into the sides of your panties and obediently you left your hips to allow him to pull them down.
Sitting back on his hunches after having removed Y/N's panties, John couldn't believe that he was in the situation that he was in right now. Y/N was lying underneath him, half naked and he had free rein to touch her.
John's breathing was heavy as he stared down at Y/N, his hands gripping tightly at her thighs as he tried his best to control himself.
This was something John had dreamt of doing since the first day he had met Y/N. That day at the graduation when he saw her, with the sweetest smile across her face as she turned around along with Dean to face him.
He was dumbstruck for a moment when he saw Y/N but quickly recovered in order to give his attention to Dean, especially when he believed Dean and her were together.
Suffice to say, John was quite relieved when Dean and her both made it clear that they were just close friends and nothing more.
Yet even so, John knew the chance of him ever getting with Y/N were slim. She was only two years older than Dean, which meant John was old enough to be her father. Not only that, Y/N was his son's best friend to point that Dean referred to her as his SISTER. Therefore, messing around with her was totally OFF-LIMITS.
And even though he knew all this, John still couldn't stop himself from constantly watching her, constantly wanting to be around her, constantly wanting her.
Slightly lifting the edge of Y/N's negligee without exposing too much of her, John bends down to place a gentle kiss against her lower abdomen.
Moving down lower, John delves his head between Y/N's thighs to tease a strip up the length of her heat with his tongue, causing her to physically twitch at the sudden contact.
Letting out a soft moan at the delicious taste of her on his tongue, John set forth to devour Y/N with his mouth.
His tongue made contact with her clit then as he circled it over and over, while softly nibbling and sucking at her now soaking wet folds.
"Aaa... J-" you hiss out in pleasure but your cut out off suddenly by John jolting himself upward, trapping your lips in a kiss.
"Shh..." John moves to kissing your neck, his hand then replacing his mouth on your centre as he circles your clit with his thumb then.
"I know sweetheart... but you can't say my real name" John whispers into your ear.
Wait. Did he just call me sweetheart? You think to yourself, but soon your mind goes blank as you gasp out in surprise when John slips a long thick finger inside you.
John then slowly begins pumping his finger in and out of you, while pressing gentle kisses against your neck.
You're a whimpering mess, lost in the pleasure of finally having John touching you in such an intimate manner. You let out an even louder moan when John suddenly slips a second finger in to join the other.
"That's it, sweetheart... just try to enjoy it..." John softly groan against your neck as your walls clench around his digits.
Try and enjoy it? I'm fucking loving it! You're silently screaming in your mind as your body takes control and your hips rock along with the motion of John's fingers in you.
John lifts his head to look into your face, "think you handle a bit more?"
Your eyes snap open to look at him and biting into your lip, you nod your head at him.
John pulls the top of your negligee down then and tips down to take a nipple into his mouth, at the same time as he adds a third finger into your heat to stretch your even further with his thick fingers.
You were a thrashing, moaning mess underneath John Winchester as he worked your body with his hand and mouth. Alternating from one breast to another, sucking and nibbling as he finger-fucked the shit out of you.
John was close to loosing his mind at this point, the taste and feel of Y/N was driving him insane. The wet squishy sounds coming from Y/N's pussy as he continued pumping his fingers in and out of her was pushing him to breaking point. More than anything, he just wanted to push his boxers down and thrust his painfully erect cock deep into her tight pussy.
Y/N's thighs soon began trembling then and John knew that she was close to reaching an orgasm.
"I'm going to CUM!" Y/N whimpers out while thrashing her head from side to side and John being the sick bastard that he was couldn't resist.
"Releasing Y/N's nipple from his mouth, John drops his head down her body and latches his mouth onto her pussy once more.
John lets out a deep growl as he feels Y/N's wall clinch around his fingers upon her release, lapping at her pussy in order to catch every last drop of her release on his tongue.
Resting his head for a bit against her abdomen in order to control his breathing, John then slowly moves back up Y/N's body, placing a gentle kiss against her cheek as he fixed her negligee back in order.
"That's it, sweetheart... you did good... just breathe... nice and slow..." John whispered into Y/N's ears as he softly brushed his fingers through her hair to calm her down.
Your breathing finally calmed downed after the mind-blowing orgasm John had just given you and you were on cloud nine having John's weight pressing in over you while he stroked your hair.
Just as you were really getting comfortable with the position you guys were in, John then swifts off of you and gets up from the bed.
You were about to ask if he was ok but kept silent instead when you saw him heading directly for the bathroom.
Feeling exhausted from everything, you climbed under the blankets and soon began to drifted off to sleep.
About 10 minutes later you were slowly aroused from sleep by the feeling of the bed dipping when John finally joined you in it.
Turning around to face John, "hey, are you ok?"
"Mhmm..." John nods his head.
"Um... do you need help?" you whisper back, indicating with your eyes towards his crotch area.
"Don't worry about it" John replies.
"You sure?" you press further.
"I took care of it. So, don't worry about it" he mumbles back in response.
"Ok..." you softly reply and turn back around to go to sleep.
A Few Days Later
"You have one fine looking lady, Frank" Tony remarks to John as they stood at the bar staring across the dimly lit room that was filled with smoke clouds and loud chatter.
"I know" John states, blowing out smoke from the lit cigar he had between his lips. "When will your boss be arriving?" he enquires, turning to face the bar then.
"He'll be here soon enough, had some family business to take care of. Told me to keep you well entertained till he gets here." Tony replies.
John takes a sip of his drink then, nodding his head in understanding.
"He'll sure enjoy meeting your lady..." Tony remarks when he hears Y/N loudly chuckling at something someone sitting next to her said.
John glares at him then over the rim of his glass.
"She sure is popular with boys. Even had one of the captains that arrived yesterday, thinking that she was one of the working girls ask if she was available for the night" Tony chuckles out.
"I hope you put him in his place and told him she's not up for sale! She's mine. She's my business partner. My wife!" John growls out in anger.
"Whoa, there... I did just that... Told him to steer clear from her" Tony holds his hands up in defence. "Though it doesn't seem like he cares to listen" he then mumbles out staring back at where Y/N was sitting.
John raises a brow in question at him then. "That's him... sitting and chatting with her now-" Tony answers.
You were sitting at a poker table playing and chatting with the man sitting next you, playing the role a criminal boss's second in command and wife.
The man was handsome, that you wouldn't deny. Close to you in age as well from what you could guess, but you honestly did not find yourself attracted to him one bit. How could you even when you only had eyes for one man and one man only, but you knew he would never feel the same about you.
The man makes a joke then and you chuckle out at it, placing your hand on his arms as if you enjoyed being in his company.
He then makes another comment and you tip your head down slightly to hear him better, when suddenly you feel yourself being yanked up from your seat.
"What the fuck?!" the man yells out at John as he holds you tightly against his chest.
"Stay the fuck away from my wife!" John growls at him in response, gripping tighter at you and dragging you away from the table.
You're extremely confused then as you more or less stumbling over your feet as John pushes you ahead of him.
"What's wrong with you?" you try and turn to look at him, but John continues pushing you ahead of him.
John leads you to a somewhat dark corner, pushing you face first into the wall. Your breathing is heavy then as your heartrate quickens when you suddenly hear the sound of John's belts buckle as he loosens it.
Your mind was racing at a thousand miles per second then when John grabs your arms, placing your hands up against the wall in front of you.
You then hear the soft sound of John unzipping his pants and before you can think to ask or say something, John's hands were pushing the skirt of your short dress up.
"I'm sorry sweetheart... but I have no choice..." John softly whispers in your ear, pushing your panties aside and entering you with a forceful forward thrust.
You let out a loud cry at the somewhat painful stretch of John's big cock inside you. John himself groans out heavily into your ears at the feel of your walls contracting around him.
Before you could catch a breath, John grips hold of your hands, squeezing tightly around them, pressing you further into the wall with his body as he began pounding into you from the back.
Your vision was clouded, your mind was clouded, all you could register was your whimpering and the loud grunts coming from John as continued to forcefully thrust up into you, realization that you guys were in a crowded room completely forgotten.
It wasn't a long drawn out fuck, it was fast and filled with what felt like anger. Before you knew it, you were losing control of your body as you felt your orgasm about to hit.
You let out a strangled like cry as you cum then. John groans out at the feeling of your walls clenching around him.
After a few more hard thrusts, John presses you closer into the wall, letting out one heavy grunt as he cums deep inside you.
John is breathing heavily in your ear as the two of you try to steady your heartrates. Once John had somewhat recovered, he gently pulls himself from you, causing you to hiss out a bit at the movement.
Your eyes are still shut as you continue to still hold onto the wall in front of you, they finally snap open when you feel John carefully pulling your dress back down to cover you.
John then puts himself back together, tying his pants back up. He turns you around then and stares down at you, "you ok?" he breathlessly questions you and all you could do was silently nod at him.
Grabbing a hold of your arm, he then moves to head for the exit.
As you guys reach the exit, you're stopped by Tony.
"Gotta say... that was fucking hot! And here I thought you were one of those old bastards that was only useful with their hands and mouth because they couldn't get it up anymore." Tony pats John on the shoulder with a chuckle.
And that's when your guy's assumptions of earlier, that they were watching you guys in the bedroom was confirmed. You realised then what John had just done was definitely necessary, they had definitely been getting suspicious of the two of you until now.
"We're going to call it a night, Tony" John remarks to him in reply.
"Oh, ya definitely deserve it. I'm sure the Mrs is tuckered out after that." Tony snickers in response.
ohn nods his head at Tony then and leads the two of you out the room.
Your legs were still somewhat wobbly when you reached the bedroom, so you immediately fall onto the bed.
"Um... listen... about what just happened-" John begins to talk but you cut him off, pointing towards the bathroom with a tilt of your head.
John nods his head in understanding and was about to head for the bathroom when he notices then that you were having trouble standing back up from the bed.
With an apologetic look on his face, John then rushes to assist you up and into the bathroom.
"Y/N, I'm so sorry for what I just did..." John apologises once he helps you take a seat on the chair in the bathroom.
"It's ok John, I get it" you lift your hand up to silence him.
"You do?" John stares at Y/N in nervous shock.
Is it possible that she's finally figured it out? John silently asks himself. Did she realize that what he did was out of pure jealousy? That seeing her laughing it up with that bastard after what Tony had said made him go into a fit of jealous rage. That at that very moment the only thing on his minds was that had to stake his claim on her.
"Yeah. From the comment Tony made, I assume you figured out that they didn't buy the other night's performance" you reply.
"Uh-huh. Yeah, that's it" John responds, relieved that you hadn't figured out the truth. Fear that once you did, you would be disgusted by it and him. Hell, if you weren't already after what just happened.
A Few Days Later, The Morning
John had been dreaming about the night he had Y/N, of how agonizingly wonderful it felt to finally be inside of her after all the years of wanting her. So, when he awoken from such a vivid dream it was no surprise that he a major hard-on. And when he turned onto his side to face Y/N's sleeping form lying there in the short lacey nightgown she had put on the night before, John just couldn't help him.
You were still fast asleep when you sensed the weight of the bed shifting. Usually you were a heavy sleeper but whenever you went undercover that was a totally different story. So naturally when you felt a body moving closer to you from behind you immediately began to stir awake.
When you felt a rough hand suddenly cup your breast your eyes instantly snapped open then.
"Shh... it's just me..." John whispers in your ear as he settles in closer against your back, his heavy breathing slightly tickling as he presses soft kisses against your neck.
"It's been a few days since... you know what that means right sweetheart?" John's hand slowly glides down your body to the edge of your nightgown at the same time that you feel him lazily thrusting his clothed erection against your bottom.
You shut your eyes then when you feel John's hands dip into the front of your panties, nodding your head in response as you bite into your lip to suppress a moan when his fingers make contact with your clit.
"That's it, sweetheart... just relax into it" John huskily whispers into your ear as he played your now soaking wet folds like a fiddle.
You were so lost in the hypnotic sense of feeling John had unleashed upon you that you barely noticed when he lifted your leg to sling it over his own as he moved your panties aside.
John centres the head of his erection against your entrance and with a hard-forward snap of his hips thrusts himself into you and you let out soft cry as he stretched your pussy yet again.
"Fuck-" John groans out against your neck as he keeps a hard grip onto your hips to hold you in place.
Pulling you more securely against him, John settles a hand around your throat as he then began pounding into at an almost brutal pace.
The room was soon filled with nothing but the sounds of skin slapping against skin, competing with those of John's grunts and your whimpering as he continued thrusting in and out of you over and over again.
Two Day Later
"Are you sure he'll be here?" you stare up at John from your seat on the chair in the bathroom as he leans against the counter.
"Tony told me that Russo will be arriving this morning and the meeting is set for later this afternoon" John responds in confirmation.
"Good. And you informed the team about it all?" you double check with him.
John nods his head in response, "you have the signal button at hand, right?"
"It's tucked away safely with the other jewellery" you reassure him.
"Good. Then I guess all we have to do now is get ready and wait..." John responds.
"*****
Later That Day
You were standing inside the shared walk-in closet, trying to decide what to wear when John entered then.
"You decide what you're going to wear?" John asks going to his section of the closet.
"Yep. I'm wearing this..." you turn around with a short black dress to show him.
"Black, again?" John arches a brow at you, "you make it really hard to match clothes you know..."
Tilting your head at his remark, a smirk then crosses your face when an idea suddenly pops up in your head.
Today was the last day of undercover work for John and you and seeing as the day wasn't over yet, it meant that you guys still had to keep up pretence till the job was officially done.
John had been the one in totally control the three occasions you guys had been 'intimate', you weren't complaining as you had enjoyed every minute of it. But seeing as today was the last day you could get away with doing this, you decided to take the reins into your own hands for once.
This time, you would be the one in charge.
"Well... I think I might have a solution to your dilemma..." you flick your tongue against your top lip as you smirk at him.
"And what solution would that be?" John narrows his gaze at you in suspicion as he watches you slowly walk towards him.
"Well... you could always colour match to this..." you reply, opening your robe to reveal the lacey red underwear you had on underneath it.
John eyes widen in surprise as he seems to be completely dumbstruck by your actions and you take that as the perfect opportunity to strike.
You instantly go for his belt-buckle and begin to loosen it as you slowly begin leading him backwards towards the couch.
"John stares at you in utter confusion, "wha-" but you cut him off with a kiss.
"It's been a few days since... the job isn't over yet, so you know what that means right?" you seductively whisper in his ear the same words he had spoken to you not long ago.
John lefts out a deep groan when you blow onto his ear and lick a strip down his jawline back towards his lips to capture them in a kiss.
You make quick work of the belt and loosening of his pants, your hand immediately diving into John's boxers to extract his cock from it.
John lets out a heavy moan as you slowly stroke his heated member with your hands while he stares down at you kneeling between his open legs. You return the stare and with a devilish glint in your eyes you lower your head down into his lap.
John's eyes instantly shut close when Y/N's lips make contact with his cock. Tilting his head backwards and with a deep groan, John buries his hands in Y/N's hair to hold her in place as she proceeded to suck his cock.
You were so lost in the taste of John and the thrill of finally being the one in charge that you were completely caught off-guard when he suddenly yanked you away from his crotch.
You look up at him in confusion and before you could ask if something was wrong, John pulls you up from the floor and onto his lap to straddle him.
Pushing the cup down of your bra, John takes a nipple into his mouth to nibble and suck on as he grinds his erection against your clothed centre.
Truth be told, you were only aiming to suck his cock before the job was over but you weren't going to turn down what he was offering right now either.
Your hands were tightly clutched in John's hair when you felt him shifting backwards, pulling you along with him. Thankful for the robe you were wearing, if not then the cameras would have had clear view of John's hand moving your panties aside and leading his cock into you.
You let out a little hiss at the stretch of John's cock inside you and you're rewarded with a loud groan coming from John.
Deciding this was your moment, your moment to be in control and the last time you would be able to be this way with John, you settled yourself more comfortably over him and proceeded to ride the shit out of him.
You were standing at the bar, silently sipping at the glass of champagne in your hand as you scanned the room, waiting for the signal from John while he was speaking with Russo at a table across the room.
John then turns to look at you and nudges his head for to join, turning back to the bar, you refill your glass and grab a drink for John as well.
With a meticulously placed smirk on your face, you gracefully make your way towards the table.
"Ah, this must be the beautiful Mrs. I've heard so much about..." the man known as Russo grins at you as you stand next to John's seat and place the drinks on the table.
"Alex... meet my wife, Y/U/N..." John pulls you into his lap as he introduces you to Russo.
"Pleasure to meet you my dear..." Russo grabs your hand to place a kiss on it, "I've heard quite a lot about you..."
"Careful there Alex..." John pulls your hand away from Russo with a warning.
"Of course, my friend... I've heard of how possessive you are about your lady" Russo holds his hands up chuckling.
The meeting goes on for some time and once John felt that there was enough evidence to nail Russo, he gives your thigh a squeeze.
You slowly cuddle into John's body, bury your face in his neck as you stealthily reach for the guns strapped to his back underneath his suit jacket.
Slowly you slide the one into John's hand under the table and the second one you keep in your hand hidden inside John's jacket still.
When John squeezes your thigh a second time, you knew it was time to signal backup to enter.
You then move the thumb of your left-hand over the ring on your index finger, pushing down onto the signal button that was cleverly disguised as a ruby.
Within minutes the room was filled your fellow officers while John and you were up standing on your feet, guns pointed at Russo and his men.
All the criminals had been cuffed and lead out of the mansion and John and you were busy at different corners of the room going over details with your colleagues.
You had just finished up with giving a quick rundown to the person you were talking to, when John walks up to you.
"Hey, you ok?" John takes hold of your arm.
"Mhmm..." you nod, trying your best to avoid make eye contact with him.
Now that the job was over things felt a bit weird, you didn't know how to react around John after all that happened between you guys and you were quite sure he must be wanting to forget it ever happened.
"Um... about what happened..." John starts but you immediately cut him off. "Don't worry about it."
"Are you sure?" John stares at you concerningly, "we should at least..." and you cut him off again.
"It's cool John. Water under the bridge... we can just pretend like it never happened" you tell him and he frowns at you in return.
So, he was correct in his assumption that you were repulsed at having been with him and now all you wanted was to forget it ever happened. John thinks to himself disappointedly.
"Well, then I'll just leave you to continue on then..." John remarks and walks away.
"John! Hold up!" you call out to him. John stares down at you when you stop in front of him, hopeful that you might have changed your mind.
"Um... there's the problem of the security footage from the bedroom and closet of those days..." you remind him.
"Don't worry... I'll take care of it" John nods his head in understanding to what you were referring to.
Dropping your keys on the lounge table, you let out a loud sigh of relief that you were finally home. Scanning the house, you were extremely glad that your roommate wasn't home yet as you really weren't in the mood for talking.
After having spent three hours filling reports out and only having manged to change into some sweats at the unit office, all that you wanted to do now was jump into a hot shower and then crawl into bed for the next two days that you're off from work.
Exiting the en-suite bathroom in your robe, you then walk towards the nightstand to retrieve your cell phone. You had been undercover for two weeks and you were sure your mailbox must be overflowing by now.
You quickly filtered through the messages left on your phone, none of them really that important and then you reached the final one that was left early this morning.
"Ms. Y/L/N, I'm calling on behalf of Doc. Davis. He asked me to call and remind you that your Depo shot appointment was due almost two weeks ago. He would like for to contact him as soon as possible..."
"FUCK." The phone drops from your hand when you register what you just heard.
Not fully believing the message, you rush to find your datebook planner. Low and behold as you page through them, you then see that you had indeed missed that appointment. The appointment had been for the second day after you had gone undercover.
You had been so engrossed in the job that you had totally forgot to check your planner for any appointments you might have had.
"FUCK." You repeated once again to yourself as you remembered all that happened during that time till now.
The realization of what that could possibly mean dawning on you then as well, "FUCK."