Once again, the ghosts did something with the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Ghosts characters. Just more madness from my tiny brain.
Woodstone Family Tree
"Oh Samantha," Isaac remarked as the ghosts entered the kitchen. "You missed a lovely walk this morning."
"I saw a turtle!" Pete said cheerfully.
"They are fascinating creatures, aren't they?" Isaac remarked.
"Sorry guys," Sam said. She was sitting at the kitchen table with her laptop and several papers and books. "I was just caught up on my research."
"Oh, about what?" Alberta asked. "Is this for one of your articles?"
"Not this time. I wanted to research more of my family tree," Sam explained. "Then I realized who better to ask than you guys?"
"Uhhhh…." The ghosts looked at each other.
"I've been looking through a lot of papers and official files," Sam went on. "But a lot of them seem to be missing for some reason."
"Oh boy…" Trevor winced.
"Who's gonna tell her?" Alberta asked.
"Tell me what?" Sam asked.
"Samantha," Hetty stepped forward. "The reason you can't find some of those papers was because they were burned."
"Burned?" Sam asked.
"To ashes," Hetty added.
Sam was shocked. "Why?"
"Why do you think?" Hetty gave her a look. "So that no one would connect some of these individuals to the Woodstone family name!"
"Sam," Alberta winced. "Looking up your relatives may not be the best idea. A lot of your family was…Oh how do I put this delicately?"
"Complete and total louses," Hetty sighed. "And that's me saying it."
"Samantha," Isaac spoke up. "As someone who has witnessed your family for generations, I must say in all sincerity…You really don't want to go there."
"Okay I know Elias was horrible but…" Sam paused. "I mean nobody was worse than he was right?"
"You would think that," Sasappis remarked. "I mean he was definitely in the top ten."
"There were people worse than Elias?" Sam asked.
"Oh yeah," Sasappis nodded.
"Definitely," Isaac nodded. "Most of them died off the property but we were able to hear about them through word of mouth and observing the livings of the time…"
"Considering what we saw of Elias…" Thorfinn paused. "They probably went down on someone very fast."
"Like who?" Sam asked.
"Well…" Isaac paused. "I guess the furthest back I can remember was a Dr. Woodstone. We first encountered him shortly after I died. About three years if I recall. He was a doctor whose main skill was billing his patients."
"He charged arm and leg to cut off arm and leg," Thorfinn added. "But how we know him is the duels he had on the property."
"Among stupid people," Sasappis groaned. "Stupid, creepy, weird people…"
"He had this habit of murdering the survivors of the duel and stealing from them," Isaac explained. "And then leaving the bodies to rot out in the sun."
"Oh my God!" Sam gasped.
"It was rather a messy time," Isaac winced. "Then he decided to 'discover' the bodies and turn them into the authorities for a reward."
"What happened to him?" Sam asked.
"Apparently he had a brother who inherited the Woodstone fortune," Isaac paused. "After Dr. Woodstone died in a duel somewhere in what is now New Jersey. And that brother built a small modest house on the property."
"Which was later rented out to house cholera victims," Sasappis told her. "And after everyone died, they burned down the small house. They said it was so that the disease couldn't spread but…"
"Thorfinn remembers owner of house getting nice insurance check," Thorfinn added. "Big one."
"Which was used to build a bigger house," Hetty added. "Thus, starting the Woodstone family dynasty."
Sasappis added. "A long line of thieves, crooks, swindlers, liars, con-artists, forgers, and all-around jerks."
"Don't forget the adulterers and murderers," Thorfinn added.
"Them too," Sasappis nodded.
"Like Cousin Chandler who nearly bankrupted the family with the whole greased pig race debacle," Hetty rolled her eyes.
"To be fair, he was mostly an idiot," Sasappis pointed out. "Adulterer yes. And yes, he was dishonest. But I wouldn't call him an out and out crook. He was just really stupid."
"That descendant of yours who was mayor of town but embezzled the treasury," Thorfinn spoke to Hetty. "And then was murdered in that brothel! He was a crook!"
"If I have to be honest, I have to say David was a bit of a crook," Trevor admitted. "He did steal from the petty cash to pay for strippers. The really cheap ones but still…"
"Okay so the men were horrible!" Sam spoke up. "But I'm sure the women were…"
"Wrong!" Sasappis interrupted.
"Hetty was one of the nicer ones," Isaac pointed out. "And more tolerant."
"Oy," Trevor winced. "That's bad."
"Excuse me?" Hetty glared at Trevor. "Most of my relatives were decent, lovely respectable women!"
"Your grandmother?" Isaac looked at Hetty.
"Oh," Hetty winced. "Yes, she was not a pleasant woman. Respectable yes, decent and lovely no. But other than her…"
"Cousin Hester?" Sasappis interrupted.
"She was closer to Elias's side of the family than mine!" Hetty snapped. "And I almost never saw her."
"That's because she ran her brothel in New York," Sasappis added. "Where Elias frequented."
"Until she was stupid enough to kidnap and sell some lieutenant governor's daughter into prostitution," Isaac added.
"I've heard about that…" Sam realized. "Where have I…? Oh my God! Are you talking about Hester Jane Haskins? Jane the Grabber?"
"That's her," Sasappis nodded.
"Okay fine! But besides those two…" Hetty paused. "And my mother-in-law. The rest of the women in my family were well behaved upstanding…"
"Great Aunt Willena?" Sasappis added. "The Highway Woman?"
"The what now?" Sam gasped.
"You had an ancestor that was a female highway robber," Isaac added. "In the late 1700's she terrorized this whole county before they caught her. Apparently, she stole some woman's jam during one of her raids and brought it to the church function. And the woman who happened to be the reverend's wife recognized it. As well as the ring she wore so…"
"Oh my!" Sam gasped.
"She got off though," Thorfinn spoke up. "By sleeping with the judge."
"Last we heard the two of them were escaping to the Caribbean after they discovered the judge was embezzling funds from the town," Sasappis explained.
"Fine but other than those rare examples…" Hetty began.
"Cousin Annie?" Sasappis added.
"She doesn't count!" Hetty snapped. "She was only a distant cousin by marriage! Not a blood relative! Her last name was Walsh! Not Woodstone!"
"But her grandfather was!" Thorfinn spoke up. "On mother's side!"
"Illegitimate! Doesn't count!" Hetty snapped.
"Who was Cousin Annie?" Sam asked.
"You may have known her better by her nicknames," Sasappis explained. "Battle Annie. The Queen of Hell's Kitchen. Leader of the Lady Gopher Gang. The Most Feared Brick Hurler Ever."
"Boy, could she throw a brick," Thorfinn nodded.
"Are you kidding me?" Sam was stunned.
"She was not an actual blood relative," Hetty spoke up. "That connection with her alleged grandfather was never proven!"
"She was also one of the few women Elias never slept with," Isaac added.
"He didn't dare!" Thorfinn laughed. "She once castrated one of his horses right in front of him!"
"Oh God…" Sam winced.
"Yikes!" Trevor winced.
"Exactly," Isaac shuddered. "Even Elias wasn't that stupid. Didn't stop him from using her as a contact for some of his shall we say…less than legal business dealings. And breaking up some picket lines."
"There was no proof of that!" Hetty snapped. "And no proof she was ever related to us."
"Well not after that bonfire you made," Thorfinn spoke up. "Good fire by the way."
"Hetty!" Sam gasped.
"Samantha reputation is everything!" Hetty snapped. "I did what I had to do to ensure our family reputation wouldn't have any scandal connected to it!"
"Aunt Hortense?" Sasappis reminded her. "That was one scandal you couldn't suppress! To be fair you were only 15 at the time but still…"
"Who are you?" Hetty looked at Sasappis. "The family historian?"
"Pretty much," Sasappis shrugged.
"He's not wrong," Isaac added.
"Who's Aunt Hortense?" Sam asked.
"My great aunt. Not a very nice woman," Hetty sighed. "She called me the Red-Haired Spawn of Satan."
"You should have heard what she called the kids she didn't like," Thorfinn grumbled. "Besides she was one to talk!"
"She murdered several servants because they ticked her off," Sasappis explained. "And four of her five husbands."
"Technically only three of her five husbands," Isaac corrected him. "Number Four died of pneumonia."
"Which he got when she pushed him into the lake!" Sasappis pointed out. "In winter!"
"Husband Number Five caught on," Thorfinn explained. "Had authorities take her away to a sanitarium a mile away."
"She died in there," Hetty told the others. "Apparently, she committed suicide by stabbing herself thirteen times. In the throat."
"There was a lot of turnovers in that sanitarium," Sasappis explained. "It was run by another Dr. Woodstone."
"One of my other cousins," Hetty sighed. "I wish I married that one. He was more interested in his work than sleeping around. He had a very profitable business selling the bodies and organs of his deceased patients to medical students. And enthusiasts…"
"Ironically that Dr. Woodstone ended up being committed at his own sanitarium," Isaac added. "As well as a few other relatives of yours."
"Including the infamous Hudson Valley Chainsaw Killer," Flower spoke up.
"AKA The Hudson Valley Hacker," Pete added.
"I'm related to a chainsaw serial killer?" Sam shouted.
"Why do you think he was hiding out here?" Sasappis asked. "He knew the property like the back of some of his victims' hands."
"He was always a disturbed child," Hetty sighed. "Cutting off the heads of his sister's dolls. Then small rodents. Then his relatives' pets…"
"And then some of his other relatives," Thorfinn added.
Pete added. "By the way we never told Stephanie the guy who killed her was a Woodstone so…"
"You might want to keep that information to yourself," Trevor added. "Just saying."
"Yikes," Sam shuddered. "What about Aunt Sophie? She was nice right?"
"She was all right," Isaac admitted. "She didn't murder anyone or commit any major crimes. So…Yes, by Woodstone standards she was nice."
"She also married one of her cousins," Trevor added.
"Ewww," Sam winced.
"Second cousin," Hetty explained. "Once removed!"
"They should have removed him," Isaac quipped. "He was Elias Light."
"And David was Elias Ultra-Light," Sasappis added.
"Fun guy though," Trevor nodded. "But way too into strippers."
"I remember there were a few parties at the mansion before you died," Pete realized. "They were kind of…uh…Raunchy."
"Still pretty tame compared to some of the stuff Elias did," Sasappis paused. "Just saying."
"Like weekend Hetty was away at her aunt's house," Thorfinn nodded. "And Elias invited those female circus performers over. Including the ones in the freak show."
"WHAT?" Hetty shouted.
"You don't want to know what happened that night," Isaac shuddered.
"I DO!" Trevor shouted.
"I'll tell you later," Sasappis smirked at Trevor. "It's a great story!"
"Ugghgh," Hetty winced. "Is that why I found makeup on the ceiling?"
"That's a cute story," Thorfinn smiled.
"I don't want to hear it!" Hetty snapped.
"I DO!" Trevor shouted.
"Again later," Sasappis told Trevor. "Trust me, it's worth the wait."
"Do it outside!" Isaac ordered. "Samantha doesn't need to hear the kinds of debauchery that went on in this house."
"Wasn't just Elias," Alberta remarked. "That party I performed at the night I died got pretty wild. Shame my death killed the vibe. But that's technically my murderer's fault!"
"Okay there has to be some good Woodstones," Sam spoke up. "Maybe there are some other relatives I have that aren't thieves, or criminals, or chainsaw killers."
"That's the one you're having the worst time with, isn't it?" Pete asked.
"It's a really big one," Sam winced. "Again, have to be some relatives that aren't…That."
"Good luck finding any," Alberta told her.
"You know why you inherited the property?" Isaac asked. "There aren't that many other Woodstones left! You see shortly after Sophie and her husband were married there was a large family reunion held down the road."
"Where the music festival was!" Flower spoke up.
"Yes! But this was way before that," Isaac nodded. "They all decided to not have it at the mansion because some members of the family were contesting who would get the house when the head of the family died. So it was held in that field in order to prevent…damages and theft."
"Not to mention sex in certain people's rooms," Sasappis smirked.
"And possible arson," Thorfinn added. "Some of your relatives really liked fire."
"What happened?" Sam asked.
"Well from what we gathered at the memorial service they held here," Isaac told her. "There were a few incidents. Apparently, Aunt Gladys made her infamous potato salad again and left it in her car overnight. In summer. 80-degree weather."
"Nine people died of botulism," Alberta explained. "Except for Aunt Gladys. She got blown up with twelve other people!"
"Blown up?" Sam gasped.
"There was an incident with fireworks," Isaac explained. "Aunt Gladys insisted on helping with them. Samantha, life lesson. Do not let an 87-year-old woman with bad eyesight and hearing anywhere near pyrotechnics."
"Could see the explosions in the sky," Thorfinn remembered. "And heard the screams. And the sirens of ambulances and police. Fun night."
"You're saying twenty-one people died at a family reunion?" Sam gasped.
"Twenty-five actually," Isaac told her. "Cousin Wendell died of a heat stroke."
"And Cousin Nadine caught her husband having an affair with Cousin Nora in the woods," Hetty added. "And shot them both before shooting herself."
"Sam there's a reason you got the mansion and no other Woodstones did," Sasappis explained. "Mostly because there aren't that many other Woodstones around. Living ones anyway."
"Sam, I hate to say it," Trevor remarked. "Your family tree has root rot."
"Oh dear," Sam winced as she put the books away. "I think I'll do this another time."
"Good idea," Isaac remarked. "How about the Fifth of Never?"
Sam left the kitchen. "Well that went well," Isaac remarked.
"I knew that would shake her up," Alberta shook her head. "A lot of her relatives were rotten to the core."
Thorfinn nodded. "Good thing we not tell her about the really bad ones!"
"You can't hide them from her forever," Sasappis remarked.
"I am not looking forward to that conversation," Hetty shuddered.
"To be fair it is pretty hard to top the chainsaw killer," Pete added.