Next day I woke up especially early. My mom was out to work already but the rest was still sleeping, regenerating after their long journey. I felt happy but not in a radiant, energetic way. Peaceful, or calm, would be a better word to describe the feeling but I knew that deep down it was happiness. The quiet, light and misty world outside matched my emotions perfectly.
The living room was still a mess after last night, mugs and plates everywhere. Fortunately, we had enough place for everyone to sleep in some bedroom and not on the couch, so I could clean up without waking anyone up. In Rivendell I would usually sleep with Elladan but I knew my mom wouldn't even hear about it under her roof, so I didn't have to worry about waking him, either. Humming to myself, I washed up the dishes and made a huge amount of pancakes so that they had something to eat when they woke up, and then left for school.
During lessons, I found myself distracted and irritable. I only thought about what was going on at my house. Had they woken up yet? Would there be any pancakes left for me? I even knew exactly how each of them would eat theirs: Navari with cottage cheese and marmalade, Estel with sugar and the twins with melted chocolate. I hated having to lead my normal life with its boring duties when they were just a couple streets away. I couldn't wait to go home.
Ringil wasn't as talkative as usually. We parted at his house, though I invited him to mine. The thought of all my closest friends meeting was scary but at the same time extremely exciting. But he gave me some excuse and disappeared in his house.
When I opened the door, not much had changed since last evening. There were no signs of my morning tidying, the dishes all over the room again. There was one pancake left.
"De-li-cious!" said Navari, putting an arm around me and kissing my cheek.
"How was school, kid? Any good grades? Make your parents proud?" asked Estel in a ridiculously low voice, ruffling my hair. I tried to hit him but missed.
They wanted to go on a quick horseback trip and I couldn't say no. When we came back, the sun was setting. Just when we changed, my mom came home from the Healing Halls and didn't exactly like what she saw.
"Lalaith, I understand you have guests but we still have to live in this house," she waved her hand at all the mess. "Did you buy anything for dinner? Have you baked bread, like we talked?" Everyone looked down and immediately started bringing all the plates and cutlery to the kitchen, as if it had been their own mother telling them off. "Have you even eaten anything proper today?"
"Pancakes…"
She sighed, rolled up her sleeves and without even changing her clothes, turned her back on me and moved to the kitchen. Then there was a knock on the door. I opened and it was Ringil, smiling and looking carefree as ever.
"Hi, do you want to climb to that vantage point that Raechon and Rainith claim they found in the Sixth Circle? The sky is so clear, it could look amazing tonight." He spoke quietly but he was apparently very excited. He had told me about that place. His siblings found some abandoned tower where one can easily climb and enjoy an undisturbed view of both the sky and the city and plains below. I sighed.
"I can't right now. We were out for half the day and we left a huge mess, we haven't even begun to cook dinner yet…" I drew a list of excuses.
"Is this how it is going to be now?" asked Ringil and it may have been the saddest, or the closest to sad, I had ever seen him. "We are not going to spend time together anymore, are we?"
I felt heat on my cheeks. I didn't feel attacked, more surprised. I hadn't even thought he could feel pushed aside.
"What do you mean? I'm trying to invite you over and over."
"Laith, these people are strangers to me. I want to spend time with you."
I felt like everyone went very quiet that moment, so I took Ringil by the elbow and led him outside.
"What can I do, then? I want you to meet them, to get to know each other. Of course, I will be able to spend less time with you. I'm sorry." I lay my hand on his shoulder and he finally looked at me. "They have just arrived, there are four more people in my house. We need some time to get used to it but it will come back to normal soon."
"It will not come back to normal, not as long as they're here." He murmured.
"What do you want me to do?" My voice became alarmingly high-pitched. He stepped back, so that my hand fell off his shoulder and looked up. He took a deep breath, exhaled and finally said:
"Sorry. I'm not being fair. I think I got scared of how lonely it would be without you. Maybe I got too attached." His smile was back and he tried to shrug it off but the gesture looked so helpless that it only made me closer to tears.
"You will never lose me." In the lost of words to express how I felt, I closed the gap between us and hugged him tightly. "I haven't gone anywhere, I'm still right next door." I heard and felt him chuckle, though still with that tone of nervousness. "Don't you want to eat with us? There will be plenty of food. You will meet everyone."
"No, I won't bother you." I scowled at him. "Tomorrow," he added quickly. "Tomorrow I'll visit, promise."
"Fine", I tried to sound menacing to make him keep the promise but it only made him laugh.
"Alright, go and try not to forget about me while talking to you better-looking, pretentious friends."
"Hmmm, I'll try."
He, also in some impulse of the heart, hugged me again and kissed my forehead, then smiled and walked back to his house. When I walked back in, the place was weirdly quiet. Everyone was bustling around but not looking at each other. I decided not to pay it any attention and began to lay the table.
"So, is that how you say goodbye in Gondor?" asked Elladan bitterly and at first, I didn't understand what he was referring to, I just got struck by his unusually harsh tone.
"What?" I asked, genuinely confused.
"Very friendly men you've got here," he said under his breath, more in the air than addressing it straight to me. That's when I caught up.
"Are we spying on each other now?"
"Maybe we should," he threw his head up abruptly and finally looked at me. I felt sick. From surprise, nerves, but most importantly anger. I threw a look at my mom, who stopped chopping the meat and stared at us, alarmed and scared.
"Let's talk outside," I jerked out and went out again, not looking behind. I heard the door close. I turned around. I didn't bother to keep my voice low and pleasant anymore. "What are you on about?"
"What was that? Who is he even supposed to be?"
"You know exactly who he is." I ground out, starting to feel embarrassed. I mentioned Ringil a thousand times in my letters and I introduced him the night before, when he stopped by. I saw no sense in Elladan pretending he didn't know who he was now.
"Tell me, how am I supposed to feel when we see each other after so long and I witness this?"
"I don't care how you feel about it, Dan." I was furious. What right has he to tell me how I should behave when he didn't bother to visit me for a whole year? "Ringil is my friend, probably the closest person I have at the moment," I saw a pained expression of his face but continued in a voice even I found surprisingly confident. "He was here when you weren't. It has been a whole year. Maybe the most important and difficult year in my life. And I waited patiently for you but don't act surprised that I found myself somebody I could talk to."
"Did you tell him about me? That we…" he suddenly lost his confidence. "that we're together?"
"Of course, I did. Eru… Seriously, Dan, just get to the point."
We stared each other for a few long seconds and I thought the conversation was over so I turned to the door, when I heard:
"Have you two kissed?"
Fuck.
I slowly turned back around but could not utter a word. There was no word that would sound good. He let out a deep breath.
"You know, I think I should pay Ringil a visit and ask him how he finds girls who are in relationships." He smiled foully. I hated that smile so much. "Maybe it's just a cultural difference."
He made his way down the stairs by the time I finally managed to defreeze and do something. I caught up with him and grabbed his arm.
"No, listen, we are the ones who should talk. It's not his fault, anyway. Alright?" There was no reaction visible on the elf's face which made me sick to my stomach. "Please, Dan, I know we can work this out. Talk it through. Come on, this is us." I remembered the moment we said goodbye to each other in Rivendell last time. I thought then that no one had ever cared about me the way Elladan does. And I knew that it was me who had fucked up. I tried something different. "You know, this hasn't been the easiest time for me." The way he smiled made me instantly regret what I said.
"There is nothing more I would like to talk with you about." He said in a very calm manner that reminded me of his father and walked away, though in the direction opposite to Ringil's house. I knew not to follow him. I, too, had nothing more to say to convince him to listen to me. Although a part me of me wanted to shout after him: "Thank him! If anything, you should thank him!" Right then, Ringil was the only thing that was keeping me sane.
I sat on the stairs and shivered. I couldn't cry. Some time later, Elrohir came outside and without a word sat next to me to put an arm around me.
"He'll get over it," was all he said. I shook my head.
"I'm not sure this time."
It was the night I hadn't gone running. New Year's Eve. I never celebrated it with anyone other than my family but Ringil insisted I go to some party with his friends. I had also known these people but they wouldn't have invited me, if not for him.
I felt down. Insecure. I felt eyes of those people all over me, though now that I think about it, they probably didn't pay me any attention. But Ringil always did. With him I was safe. He made me feel the most interesting person in the room. He was never in a bad mood and it was impossible to be in a bad mood around him.
It was I who kissed him. If I didn't know, I would guess that it was him, but no. Shortly after that I threw up in the bush, getting mud all over my clothes and then refused to speak to Ringil for days, eaten up by my conscience.