sau·da·de
[sou＇dӓdǝ] noun
A nostalgic longing to be near again something or someone that is distant, or that has been loved and then lost.
Lost.
It has been three months since Daenerys found out about the treachery of her old friend. Three months since she banished Jorah from Mereen. Three whole months and yet she feels that she's trapped in a labyrinth and not one path she takes leads to a way out.
But she feels that this notion is misplaced. As a matter of fact, she should be feeling happy. Should I not? Elated even that she has shown her people and her council that she is a strong queen. That she is a true dragon worthy of the Targaryen name. Showing that even the ones she trusted are not spared from her wrath. That everyone who tries to betray her will be given the same sentence or even worse.
But no matter how hard she tries and no matter how many times she takes Daario to her bed just to forget, she still feels lost. That she is once more that lost little girl in Illyrio Mopatis' manse, waiting and wishing to go back home.
And what's worse, is that she feels entirely hollow.
"Your Grace?" she hears Missandei call behind her door but pays her no mind.
Oh, sweet Missandei.
How Daenerys feels sorry for her.
Sorry that she has to face her every day since that faithful day and get nothing from her but scowls and sneers as she has felt nothing aside from annoyance and irritation to anyone that tries to go near her.
She has no energy to deal with anyone or even deal with the on-goings of Mereen. It has even come to the point where Tyrion and Varys have tried multiple times to coax her into listening to their counsel about the people and the city. Feeding her bits of information about what her people are expecting of the dragon queen.
But she doesn't give in,
She's tired.
Tired of their company.
Of their voices.
For the only company she wants to be in and the voice she wants to hear is gone.
And it's all her fault.
Jorah believed her to have a gentle heart. Watched in awe as she showed mercy to the slavers in the free cities.
So why didn't she extend the same gentleness and mercy to her most trusted friend? To her bear?
My bear.
"If we could speak alone,"
How she wished she did as he bid. To have tried to understand why he did what he did. To see reason and listen to what he had to say.
But she was angry. Angry that someone would dare to betray her. That they had even an inkling of a thought to feed her to the wolves. But most of all, she was hurt. For such betrayal was done by the one person she trusted the most.
"I have protected you. Fought for you. Killed for you. I have loved you."
He has. He has done everything in her name. Did nothing but wave the Targaryen banners and brought forth her rule with his sword. With his strength. The strength of ten mainlanders.
If he truly wanted her dead and sought pardon from the Usurper, she should already have been stricken down and Jorah would be sailing off to his home. And yet, here she stands stronger than ever. Stronger than her brothers all because he has served and guided her on the path to her destiny. Path to her home.
Here I Stand.
It was with Jorah that she saw her purpose. That it was with Jorah that she knew who she was. It was with Jorah that she knew she could take the Seven Kingdoms and rule it, conquer it, just like how Aegon Targaryen did.
But with him gone, she just doesn't know if she could do it anymore.
She lost her path. The road to her destiny shrouded in a fog and she knows not where to go nor where to start.
And what pains her more now is that she's realized in the first week of his absence that she's felt something for him.
A stirring that has been lingering since before they even set foot in Mereen. A feeling that made her decide just to banish him than to have him killed for his betrayal.
That's still a better sort of punishment. Right?
But who did she really punish? Jorah? Or herself?
She sobs.
Her pillow was well-acquainted with her sorrow and her pain. And her chambers know the deepest desire of her heart. A secret that she's been harboring for months.
"I love you, Jorah Mormont."
"Your Grace," she hears Missandei once more and finally gives in, wiping her tears and calming herself before taking a seat on the edge of her bed.
"Come in."
"Forgive my intrusion, Your Grace," Missandei says as she enters her chambers, the door still ajar. "But Lord Tyrion and Lord Varys have requested an audience with you."
Daenerys couldn't help rolling her eyes at the mention of their names and their need and release a sigh, her shoulders sagging at the thought that they would lecture her about ruling.
She stands from the bed and walks over to the balcony, her eyes trailing over the purple and orange sky as the sun begins its descent.
"Kindly tell them that I am unwe—"
"It's about Ser Jorah," Missandei interrupts, making Daenerys stop mid-step at the sound of his name.
She could feel her heart pound loudly against her breast. Could feel her palms sweat as she feels a sudden wave of emotions wash over her body. But the emotion that lies dominant within her is fear. Fear of what news they bring about her knight. Is he okay? Is he faring well? Is he hurt? Is he alive?
Daenerys could feel her legs turn liquid at the thought of her bear dead. That it was because of her banishment that he was left to fend for himself when he would be safe within her pyramid walls.
Wasting no more time, Daenerys turns from the balcony and makes her way out of her chambers and to the council room, Missandei trailing behind her.
She will hear what they have to say about her bear knight, including whatever lecture they have prepared for her this time. But she just prays and hopes that whatever news they bring about Jorah that she isn't too late.
Daenerys dismounts from her horse, Grey Worm doing the same and immediately flanking her, taking the reins of both their steeds. Midnight is already upon them with only the moon and the stars illuminating their path towards the docks at the edge of Volantis.
It amazed her that he followed what she had commanded. Leaving the cities she—no, he—claimed for her. She looks around but frowns when she doesn't see him, making her question if this is truly where one of Varys' little birds said they saw the knight.
"My Queen," Grey Worm says when Daenerys begins walking through the small town. "We wait. Not safe to walk—"
"That is why I brought you and your best men with me," she says with annoyance in her voice. "If you truly are worried, then have your men stand guard."
She doesn't wait for Grey Worm to respond and walks through the boardwalk, looking for any signs of life that may be Jorah.
Daenerys passes through several boats and looks inside them, seeing nothing but bundles of ropes and oars left by their owners. She could feel time wasting away, fear slowly creeping up on her at the thought that Jorah has already left the city, that she was too late.
Then she spots a figure just ahead of her. A tall man with broad shoulders standing at the edge of the walkway. His golden hair is illuminated by the glow of the moon and she knows that it's him. That she's found him.
She makes her way to him, keeping her emotions at bay and holding herself back from running toward him. She pulls her hood tighter around her head, completely covering any signs of her silver hair.
Once she stands beside him, she risks a glance at his face. Her heart once more beats loudly as she confirms that it is truly him.
My Bear.
"I have no time nor money for you, whore." Jorah says sternly yet softly.
"Is that the way you greet your queen?" She simply says and she hears him inhale sharply.
But Jorah doesn't move to face her, the look on his face turning grim with the moon showing the lines on his face that deepen upon hearing the sound of her voice.
"You should not be here, Your Grace." He says softly. "It is not safe."
"I have the Unsullied patrolling the area. And besides, my safety is the least of my concerns at the moment."
The silence Jorah replies with is deafening to her ears. Her fingers wring from behind her cloak as nervousness envelopes her. She's finally heard his voice, longed to hear his voice but he refuses to speak further. And she knows that it is all her doing.
That's when she notices the boat rocking at the side of the dock. His armor clumped up to one side and a sack tossed haphazardly at the other.
He's leaving.
And a panic immediately rises within her.
"Where are you going? Are you headed back to claim your pardon?" Jorah visibly flinches at her words and she curses herself for putting more distance between them.
"There is nothing for me there nor here. The only place I could go is the sea and wait for it to take me."
"Why did you betray me?" She asks instead, refusing to acknowledge that Jorah foresees his end. "Why did you do what you did?"
He faces her then, sapphires meeting amethysts, and she could feel her throat constrict when she sees the bruise forming on his cheek. A cut just at the side of his face and another on his neck. What happened to you, my bear?
"I wanted to go home." He starts and drops his eyes to the ground. "Ever since Lynesse left me, it's all I ever wanted. To go back to my family, to see them, even if it meant I would take the black soon after. It's all I ever thought about. That's why I agreed.
"I knew nothing of you or your brother then. The information I sent was all from Illyrio Mopatis' mouth. Then I met you at your wedding and immediately regretted what I did.
"I wanted to tell you that day. You should have found out about it from me, not from Barristan. But the gods like to play with me it seems."
Daenerys ponders at his words, keeping her eyes on him while he speaks. She finally understands why he did such things. It was the same reason she gave into marrying Drogo in the first place. Home.
Then it dawns on her. Would she have done the same thing if it meant a promise of home? That she and Viserys would be welcomed with dragon banners, shouting their name if she was asked to betray Jorah and throw him to the wolves.
Her answer scared her.
Daenerys then reaches up and presses a gentle hand against Jorah's bruised cheek. Her thumb grazing against the battered and rough skin. If the knight was feeling any pain, he didn't show it.
"I too was at fault, My Bear," she starts and Jorah looks at her with wide eyes. "I condemned you without even hearing your explanation. We should have talked privately. Listened to you earnestly.
"You told me I have a gentle heart. That you are amazed at the mercy I have given to the masters that took in slaves. But I have not extended the same to you, my most trusted advisor, my dearest friend, and.. my love."
Jorah then stands upright at her words, awe and disbelief evident in his eyes.
Daenerys goes to stand closer to him, taking both his hands in her own.
"I've come to realize my feelings for you since I banished you. I thought I was punishing you by sending you away but truly, I was punishing myself. Not a day have I felt whole since you departed. I feel lost and alone without you by my side."
She reaches up once more to cup his face, pulling him close to press her forehead against his.
"Please come back, My Bear. I cannot stand to be away from you." Tears slowly roll down her face as she bares her soul to the man she's come to love. "When I take the Seven Kingdoms, I need you by my side. Please."
It is not like her to beg. She is the Mother of Dragons. The Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea. The Breaker of Chains. The Unburnt. She does not beg. She takes. She Conquers. But for Jorah, she will beg as much as she can for him to come back to her.
She hears him sigh and then watches him drop to his knees.
"I cannot come back until I know you have forgiven me." He says with longing in his voice.
"I will only do so if I know that you have forgiven me as well."
Jorah looks up at her in shock and shakes his head, his head bowing low as he presses his palms against the wooden ground.
"Khaleesi.. Your Grace.. There is nothing to forgive. You have done what you had to. You have shown me mercy by not killing me. And for that, I am grateful."
"Daenerys.." And Jorah looks up at her with evident confusion on his face. "When you are with me, call me by my name. Hold me if you want." She too goes down on her knees and wraps her arms around his neck to pull him closer to her. "I know what I said and I take them back. Please, Jorah."
The pause in him makes her nervous.
Then she feels his arms wrap around her small frame and she releases a breath she didn't realize she was holding. He presses a gentle kiss on her forehead before pressing his to hers, exhaling softly as he closes his eyes.
"Daenerys.."