October 31st, 1971
It is the morning of Halloween; time has passed quickly since my first dinner party. I am top of my year at potions, but Slughorn likes James Potter better than he likes me. He isn't even better at potions than I am, but he's popular, and Slughorn liked his parents when they were in school. I still go to his dinner parties and get-togethers with Lucius, Rodolphus, Evan, Narcissa and Bellatrix, but Potter goes too, and even Lucius has told me that Slughorn pays too much attention to Potter, and not enough attention to me. Slughorn invited Lily to the one yesterday. Narcissa and Bellatrix weren't able to come, and Lucius saw that I was hanging out with Lily and Evan and not sticking with him and Rodolphus as much. When we were on our way back to our common room, he inquired about her.
"Who's your little friend? The girl with the red hair. I haven't seen her around the Slytherin common room. Is she a Weasley by any chance? Arthur graduated a few years ago, and I didn't think he had any younger siblings."
"She's not in Slytherin, and she ain't— she's not a Weasley. We've been friends since before we started school! She lives a few blocks away from me. She moved to Cokeworth when we were nine 'cause—"
"Are her parents wizards?"
"It doesn't matter— they're nice to me! Why don't you mind your own business?" As soon as the words slip out, I cover my mouth with my hands. Lucius grabs my arm like my dad does and jerks me around to face him.
"Severus, I am trying to look out for you," he says icily, bending down and looking straight into my eyes.
I turn my head away, feeling my eyes start to water with fear and pain.
"Your business IS my business. If you want to keep my friendship, you need to make better choices about how you speak to me. Don't ever speak to me like that again. Do you understand?"
"I'm sorry, Lucius! I didn't mean it! It just slipped out. Please don't be mad!" I whimper, trembling as I look anywhere but into his icy gray eyes. Rodolphus is standing next to Lucius and looking away down the empty corridor, and Evan is hiding behind Rodolphus, looking nervously back and forth between Lucius and me.
"I asked you a question, and I expect an answer," he growls, squeezing my arm even tighter and giving me a little shake, "Do you understand?"
"Yes, sir! I'm sorry!"
"Good boy. Don't worry about it, Severus. Just don't make the same mistake again," he says more warmly, scooping me up into a hug, "it's getting late, and you're clearly over-tired. Let's get back to the common room so you can get some sleep!"
I cling to him and nestle my head into his chest, silently berating myself for being bad. I am such a failure— everything is my fault, just like my dad always says.
"Don't be too hard on him, Lucius, he's just a kid," I hear Rodolphus murmur.
Lucius shrugs his shoulders, and he says, "He has to learn that his actions have consequences."
"You're right, I guess we're all getting a bit of a soft spot for him," Rodolphus chuckles, and reaches over to ruffle my hair.
Lucius lets go of me and begins walking away with Rodolphus, "Come along, boys," he drawls. Evan glances at me. Embarrassed, I don't look back at him, but, eyes fixed on the floor, begin following Lucius and Rodolphus.
During breakfast, I deliver a few vials of potion to Lucius, "For you," I say, as I slip the vials into his hands, under the table, "Midterms are coming up, so I made something to help you study."
Lucius inspects the vials carefully.
"It's a Potion of Good Memory," I yawn.
"Severus, this looks exquisite! You're so clever to have made this! It's at third-year level! How late did you stay up last night making this?"
Ignoring his last question, I smile at him, and say, "I told you, my mum used to make me read her old textbooks, and I like experimenting with different stuff. Anyways, I figured you'd like it."
"I do! You're so talented, Severus," he purrs as he rubs my back, "And I suppose it is Saturday, so it's alright if you stayed up late last night, just don't make a habit out of it."
"Are you still mad at me? I'm sorry I was bad last night," I whisper.
"No, I'm not still angry, but I appreciate your apology," Lucius smiles, and ruffles my hair.
"What's he done, sweetheart?" Narcissa asks from Lucius' other side. She gets up, gestures to Evan to scoot over, and sits down next to me.
"Look at these wonderful potions he's made! Isn't he clever?" Lucius smiles.
"Wow, Severus, those look great!" she exclaims, giving me a hug, "Your hair smells wonderful! I can tell you used the nice shampoo and conditioner Lucius gave you this morning! It smells so lovely, doesn't it? And your hair looks so shiny and beautiful now! And I love that sweater Lucius gave you! You're so little and cute, I could just eat you up!" she laughs, and tickles my stomach.
"Cissa, stop!" I giggle.
"Isn't he just a little doll, Bella?" she exclaims, smiling at her sister.
Her sister Bellatrix shrugs without looking up, and says, "Whatever you say, Cissy."
"She's no fun," Narcissa whispers to me. I just smile. Inside, my heart is bursting with happiness. Nobody has ever told me that I'm smart, or clever, or that anything I do is exquisite before I met Lucius. He's so cool, and tall, and smart, and Narcissa is so nice to me. She always pesters me to wash my hair when it gets greasy so that she can detangle it and make it look nice. She always tells me funny stories about both of her sisters. She tells me I'm so cute, and that she loves how little and adorable I am. Lucius always hugs me, gives me gifts when I'm good, and checks my homework for mistakes. He tells me I'm special, and that he loves how smart I am. He says he thinks it's adorable how much Narcissa likes me, and that he loves watching her dote on me. I can't believe I'm so lucky that they pay attention to me.
I snap out of my happy thoughts as Lucius drawls, "Now, you really must try to eat more. See? You haven't eaten more than three bites of your eggs!"
"I'm full!" I sniff.
"Eat," he commands.
I glance up at Narcissa to see if she'll back me up, but she just laughs, pats my back, and says, "I'm not playing Good Auror Bad Auror! Do as he says and eat your food! Eggs are good for you!"
Frustrated, I remind myself that I need to be good so he doesn't get mad at me, and I finish the stupid eggs. When the owls come, Lucius makes me eat two of the chocolates his mother has sent him. I glare at him as he turns to talk to another one of his friends. Narcissa strokes my hair back and moves back to where she was sitting before, and I scoot closer to Evan.
He gives me a sympathetic look, and whispers, "Want to talk about it after breakfast?"
"Yeah." At least I have somebody to talk to who will understand. When I talk to Lily about it, she just tells me to stop being friends with Lucius. As if I'd want to stop being friends with him, or as if it's even possible to not be friends with him anymore. He might scare me when he gets mad at me, but so long as I'm good, I don't have to worry about it! And besides, he's never yelled at me or beat me like my dad. Lily doesn't understand, but I know that someday I can make her see that I was right all along.
After breakfast, Evan and I sneak off to the empty classroom behind one of the unused potions labs. We know about it because on the weekend of our first week at school, we explored the whole dungeon together. Even Joseph, Clarence, and John haven't been to our special room.
"I heard how Lucius was ordering you around this morning, and how mean he was to you last night."
"Yeah, I don't like it that he tells me what to do all the time. But I deserved it last night— I was bad."
"I suppose so, but I don't know. Is he normally that mean to you?"
"No! He's normally real nice to me! It's just that I was bad last night. It's okay, though, 'cause it could have been worse, right? My dad would've whooped me real bad if I talked back to him, so I got off lucky! The only thing is though, how do you think I can get him to leave me alone about the food? This morning I was so full after he made me eat all that food I felt like my stomach was gonna explode inside me!"
"Well, maybe just eat more when you're around him and less at other times? Then he won't have any reason to tell you to eat more."
"I guess."
"And he just tells you to eat because he's worried about you. I heard Narcissa telling him the other day that she thinks you've lost weight, and that she was worried you'll break if he drops you."
"Oh, well she don't— doesn't need to worry about me," I say, taken aback, "it's nice that she and Lucius care about me so much though! I guess I'm just not used to people caring if I've eaten or not, you know?"
"What do you mean you're not used to people caring if you've eaten or not? Don't your parents feed you?" Evan laughs.
I shrug, and mumble, "Food's expensive. My parents work real hard, so they're not always home to make supper. They just sorta assume I'm eating, I guess."
"Oh," Evan looks away, "well… it's good they work hard. My mum always makes me eat all my vegetables, even if I don't like them. Sometimes I think it'd be nice to just be able to eat whatever I want. You're lucky!"
I shake my head, and say, "I guess. But anyways, I promised Lily I would study with her today in the library. She's bringing Marleen again. Wanna come?"
"Sure, Marleen's cool, I guess," Evan smiles.
"Lucius would kill you if he heard you call a Gryffindor cool!" and we dissolve into laughter.
When we get to the library, we sit in the formation we always sit in during History of Magic and Potions— Lily and me in the middle, Evan to my left, and Marleen to Lily's right. Lily and I use this time to catch up. In between assignments, we talk about the gossip in our houses, classes, what parts of the castle we have explored so far, and people who are already on our shit lists. We both already hate James Potter and Sirius Black.
"They have another friend, Sev. Peter Pettigrew!"
"Ew! Pettigrew? He's so weird! Why do they let him hang out with them? Is he like their servant or something?"
"No! I think they genuinely like him! It's 'cause he was friends with Remus Lupin before they started hanging out with him, then they started hanging out with Remus, so they had to also hang out with Peter."
"They're so weird. Pettigrew seems like he'd be easy to pick on. I wouldn't think they'd want somebody like that to be their friend. Anyways, I don't hate Lupin. He's never been mean to me before. He don't— doesn't ever say anything to Potter or Black to get them to leave me alone, but I get it. He doesn't wanna lose his friends."
"Yeah, I wish those two would stop being so rude to you! I try to tell them to stop whenever I hear them talk about you in the common room, but they don't listen to me."
Frustrated, I look into her eyes, "You gotta stop, Lily! They're gonna think I'm weak 'cause you stand up for me!"
"No they're not!"
"Yeah they are! You're a girl, and my dad says if a girl has to stand up for a boy, then the boy is weak and stupid, and deserves to get picked on and beat up!"
"I don't think it makes any difference that I'm a girl, but whatever. From now on, I'll just ignore them when they talk about you. Is that what you want?"
"Yeah! I don't want them to think I'm so weak that I need you to fight my fights for me!"
"Whatever you say, Sev," she says, shaking her head.
"Don't worry, Sev," Evan pipes up, "we'll just walk to classes together so they can't bother you! They wouldn't mess with you if you weren't alone, I bet. And neither of them has the guts to take you on one-on-one, either!"
"Okay! That's a good idea!" I smile. I see Lily purse her lips and say, "We're in the same house, Lily. What do you want me to do? Leave my common room and walk all the way up to the Gryffindor common room just to walk with you? That's silly!"
Lily doesn't respond, but keeps her eyes on her book.
I glance at Evan, and he shrugs his shoulders, and mouths the word, "Girls."
I smile at him, and go back to my book.
After we finish our homework, we take a break to explore the castle all together. When we are exploring the astronomy tower, we hear familiar voices. Potter, Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew.
"Hello?" calls Lily.
"Shhh!" I whisper.
"Evans, McKinnon! Ditch Snivellus and Rosier and hang out with us! We're exploring," calls out Potter, messing up his hair with his hand as he talks. He disgusts me.
"Don't call me that! We're already exploring, so get out of our way," I exclaim.
"No thanks," says Black, as he pulls out his wand, "we were here first. Peter saw you all come in."
I pull out my wand as well. There aren't any teachers around, and I'm more than happy to fight him if that's what he wants.
"Sirius, aren't you embarrassed to be in Gryffindor hanging out with them?" Evan calls out, sneering at Black.
"No way, mate— I'd be more embarrassed to be seen hanging out with Snivellous, if you ask me. Just look at him!" Black laughs.
Evan pulls out his wand, glaring.
"Come on," mutters Lily, and she starts pulling us both away. As we're dragged off, I keep my eyes locked with Black's.
As we part ways to go back to our common rooms, I ask Evan, "How do you know Black?"
Evan laughs, and says, "You know Narcissa and Bellatrix? He and his little brother are their cousins! Our families are pretty close, and I grew up playing with him and Regulus. I never liked Sirius much, though. He's always been a bit of a prick, to be honest."
"Oh, really? I didn't know that! That's interesting."
"Yeah. I can't imagine how mad his parents must be! They're super anti-muggle, the Blacks," he whispers, "and they've all been in Slytherin, as far as I know, so him being in Gryffindor must be a big shock."
"I wonder why he wanted to be in Gryffindor so bad, then! He said so on the train! He made fun of me for wanting to be in Slytherin!"
Evan shrugs, and says, "Probably because he's a prick."
"I guess. That is interesting, though," I murmur. I wonder if his friends know about his family? I wonder if they'd still like him if they knew.
