June 25th, 1972
When Lucius graduates, his parents make Narcissa and me sit with them. I hate being with his parents— I always feel so judged. I am not enough, I am not worthy of being included, I am stupid, I am ugly, I am a failure, and and and and... His parents ask me a lot of questions about my studies. I try really hard to not stutter and to speak confidently like Lucius has taught me. When she can tell that I am anxious, Narcissa squeezes my hand by the side of our chairs where the Malfoys can't see.
After the ceremony, we wait for Lucius in the Entrance Hall. Narcissa and I wait nervously, slightly apart from the Malfoys.
"You did really well, Severus! You barely stuttered once!" she says kindly.
"Thanks, but they make me so nervous! I try real hard, but I always feel like I'm not good enough for them to like me. I'm not like you- you're always perfect and you always know what to say and do! It's obvious they like you!"
"Well, I do try to keep up appearances," she says, "and anyways, I have lots of practice, and it was expected that Lucius and I would get together. You're still so little, though, and you didn't come from this background, so I'm proud of you for doing so well!"
"Thanks, Cissa!"
"And your hair still looks so pretty, too," she says, curling one of my waves through her fingers. She put loose waves in my hair with her wand before the ceremony. At first, I felt like I looked stupid with wavy hair when she first finished, but she said it looked natural, and that I looked adorable with wavy hair. Then I realized that my mum said that everybody on her side of the family has wavy hair, and now I think it looks pretty good! Even Mrs. Malfoy said the waves are more becoming on me, and she's always critical of how I look.
When we see Lucius coming towards us, Narcissa and I stay back to let him talk with his parents. When he's finished, he strides over to us and pulls us both into a bear hug. As he lets go of us, he gives Narcissa a long kiss— I turn red and look away— then whispers to me, "Meet me down in my dorm. I have some things I would like to discuss with you."
I nod my understanding, and slip away. As I make my way back to the common room, I see Peter Pettigrew standing alone. I look around, but don't see any of his friends anywhere. Smirking, I sidle up to him. If he and his friends are going to bully me, I might as well make fun of him, too. It's not like he can do anything to me.
"Who invited you to graduation, Pettigrew?" I sneer.
He jumps, and squeaks, "My cousin!"
"Wow, that was nice of them to include you, wasn't it?" I say.
He fidgets nervously, looking down the hall.
Thinking of how earlier that day, Narcissa had wrinkled her nose at a passing Hufflepuff and whispered to me that being fat isn't cute, I add, "Normally people don't want to be seen with stupid, fat kids, but I guess here you are."
"I'm not stupid! James says I'm smart! And my mum says I'm just getting ready to go through a growth spurt!" he exclaims, flushing.
"Then you're gullible, too. I'd suggest studying more and eating less, but you're too stupid to take good advice. Anyways, have a good summer," I sneer at his red face, turn my back, and walk away.
"You're just poor trash, Snape!" he calls back at me, "And you're ugly, and the only reason you have any friends at all is because you're a suck-up!"
I halt, smirking, and turn back around, and, mockingly exclaim, "Wow! Very clever! Your pal Potter's only used those insults about a million times! Try me again once you've got something more creative, okay?" The look on his fat, red little face almost makes up for all the times he's laughed at me while Potter and Black have jinxed me, shoved me down, and insulted me.
When I get to Lucius' dorm, I wait nervously until he finally arrives. By now, the giddy feeling I had from bullying Pettigrew has been replaced by my usual anxiety.
"Congratulations on your charms mastery and graduating and everything," I mumble, looking at my feet.
He tilts my jaw up so he can look me in the face, "What's troubling you?"
"As soon as you're gone, you're gonna forget about me, then I'll be alone and I'll never see you again 'cause you won't want me to make you cool potions or polish your broom anymore!" It all comes out in one long breath- all the fears I've been holding in since he first started paying attention to me.
"Don't be silly, Severus! I won't forget about you. You're very special, remember? And you have friends! You won't be alone!" he exclaims, gently brushing a wave out of my face, and sitting down with me on the side of his bed.
"But I'm not special! I'm weak, and stupid, and I'm a failure, and nobody likes me," I sniffle, tears starting to appear in my eyes like the droplets of whiskey that splash on the coffee table when my dad slams his glass down before coming for me. Drying my tears, Lucius pulls me into a tight hug.
"When will you stop listening to the voice of your father in your head and start listening to me? I already told you that you are not stupid, you are not a failure, and people do like you!" he says, stroking my hair, "You're so loyal- I feel as if you would do anything I asked."
Without hesitating, I nod into his chest.
"That means a lot to me, Severus," he says patting my back.
"Where will you go now?" I ask.
"I will be traveling for a while, making new contacts and working for my family, as well as for the group I am joining."
"What group?"
"You'll know soon enough, but not now."
Pouting, I look up at him with my best puppy dog eyes.
"Now, Severus," he laughs, "that might work on Narcissa, but not on me! I promise, if you're good, you will know when you are older."
"Okay," I sniff, "when I'm back at school, will you send me pictures and letters when you travel? I wanna see the world, too!"
"Of course! I'll make sure to send you postcards, and if I find something you'd like, I'll send it along as well. And don't forget, I spoke with your mother and I'll be picking you up on August 20th. You can spend some time at the manor, then I'll bring you to King's Cross. How does that sound?" he exclaims, beginning to tickle me.
"Stop!" I laugh, unable to hold it together.
Finally, after pinning my hands by my head on his mattress, Lucius purrs, "Give up?"
"Uh huh!" I giggle. When he lets me up, I pounce on him from behind, grabbing him loosely around his neck.
He flips me around and pins me by my wrists to the bed again.
I giggle nervously, "Gotcha!"
"Hmm, it appears that I got you!" he smiles, "If I let you go, will you behave?"
Smiling up at him, I nod, "Mm hmm!"
He lets go of my wrists, and pulls a piece of parchment out of his pocket, saying, "I charmed this parchment for us. We can keep in touch through it. When you write on it, it will show up on my parchment, and vice versa. Use it if there's an emergency, alright?"
"Okay. That's cool! You're really good at charms!"
"Thank you! If I wasn't, would I have gotten my charms mastery?" he asks jokingly, "Now, would you like to come down with me to say goodbye to my parents?"
"Mm hmm! Yes, Lucius," and, with one last look at the dormitory we set off for the future.
