July 20th, 1975
When I get off the train for summer break, I wait for two hours on the platform before my mum can pick me up. The Evans' offer to drive me home, but I wave them off and explain that my mum told me she would come. Potter and Black notice I am sitting alone and come over to try to taunt me, while their parents are busy, but Potter's parents come over to take Potter home before we start actually fighting.
Since my first year at Hogwarts, I have grown and gained a lot of weight. I am now 5 feet tall and 80 pounds. I am still shorter than everybody in my grade, even most of the girls! Lily is now 5 foot 3, and always teases me for being shorter than her. Evan has been working out, and Joseph is still big and muscular. Clarence and John aren't fat and they aren't skinny. Sometimes I wish I could look like them, but then I remember that being skinny gets me attention, and I stop wishing I could look like them. I got to 88 pounds once last semester, and not as many people expressed their concern over my weight. I'm back down to 83 pounds now. Lily, worried about my weight loss, referred me to Madam Pomfrey who gave me a lecture on eating healthily and gave me potions to take to help me gain weight. I never took them.
While I wait on the platform, I read my potions textbook and make more notes in the margins. By the time I am done, it is getting dark. All the other students are gone, but my mum still isn't here. I can't leave— she might be on her way, but I can't stay here all night. I take out the charmed parchment that Lucius gave me, and write:
I've been waiting at the platform for about 2 hours. My mum still isn't here. Are you busy? If not, woud you mind coming and waiting with me?
After about 30 minutes, he responds:
Would, Severus. I will be leaving soon. I was in a very important meeting, but I am finished now.
Soon, I hear the pop of apparition, and Lucius comes striding towards me, scratching absentmindedly at his left arm.
"Meeting go well?" I ask
"Yes. He was mad at Rowle, but nothing bad happened. If he had been more careful, he wouldn't have been in trouble. I have no sympathy for him."
"Who was mad?"
"Is your mother still at work?" Why is it that nobody ever answers my questions?
"I dunno where she is, but I don't want to leave now just in case she's on her way."
"We'll go check at the tavern, then if she's not there you can inquire about her whereabouts."
"Okay."
My mum is waiting tables when we arrive at Madame Circe's Tavern, so we go wait by the bar for her. When my mum notices us, she looks shocked, and hurries over.
"Are you in trouble? Why are you here?" She whispers at me.
"Today is the first day of break, mum. I thought you said you would pick me up!"
"Merlin's beard, I completely forgot! I've been so busy at work!"
"It's fine. Lucius was able to come get me," I say, and she looks at Lucius in surprise.
"You came to pick him up? Thank you so much! Why don't you two stay here and have something to eat? I'll bring you a meal!" Somebody bangs on their table to get her attention, "I have to go," and she gives me a brief, one armed hug, "Take a seat at the bar! Severus, I'll bring you a coloring page or something, and Lucius, I'll bring you a drink!" she calls as she runs off.
"I'm not a little kid anymore," I grumble as we chose barstools.
"How did she forget to pick you up?" Lucius asks incredulously.
I shrug my shoulders, and kick my feet against the barstool, staring at a spot on the wall and letting my mind go blank. We eat our cold chicken tenders and fries, and Lucius sips his mixed drink in silence. I doodle a little on the coloring sheet my mum brought me, but just 'cause it's there. I'm not a kid anymore.
After he is done with his drink, Lucius stands up and stretches. "Well, since you're here, I assume your mother will take you home?" he asks, looking around for her.
"Yeah, when her shift is over."
"How long will that be?"
"I don't know. It's fine, I can stay."
"Alright, well, I'll get going then. I was supposed to take Narcissa out tonight. Maybe we'll still be able to make it," he says, checking his watch.
"Okay, sorry for wasting your time."
"No! I always have time for you! You're never a waste of time, Severus. Let me know if you need anything, alright? Have a good summer! I'll take you to the platform as usual," he says, and gives me a quick hug before walking out the door. My mum isn't done working until 11 o'clock. While she works, I doodle a bit, take some notes in my potions textbook from the past year, and chat with the bartender. He's always been nice to me, ever since I was a little kid.
About a week into break, I look in the kitchen pantry and there is no food. I finished the last of the noodles yesterday. I know I left a note for my mum to either please go grocery shopping herself, or leave me money to go get groceries, but she must have forgotten, or have been too busy. Thinking hard, I reckon the last actual meal I had must have been those chicken tenders at my mum's work. I didn't even eat the leftovers my dad brought home the other day, because I knew he'd be mad at me if I touched them. He's been in a bad mood lately, so I've been trying extra hard to stay out of his way and be good. Stomach churning, legs weak, muscles aching, and mind foggy, I go back upstairs to go back to sleep. The walk up the stairs seems to take an eternity, and uses up all of my strength. What wakes me up is my father stomping up the stairs. I am so weak that I cannot move. He opens the door, and I feel him grab my arm.
"What did you do with my food, boy?" he slurs. I can smell the whiskey on his breath.
"I ain't touched it!" I mumble, looking at the ground, "I swear!"
"You're a goddamn liar is what you are!" he snarls, "I thought I beat that shit out of you a long time ago!"
"No, sir! I ain't lyin' to you!" I cry as he squeezes my arm, "I swear I ain't touched it! I ain't had nothin' but them noodles since I got home! I don't even know what your food was! I swear!" A sharp pain blinds me as he throws me down and my ribs hit the floor.
"THEN WHAT HAPPENED TO IT? I KNOW YOUR MUM AIN'T TOUCHED IT! SHE AIN'T NEVER HOME!" The air is knocked out of me as he kicks me in the stomach. He hasn't even taken his work boots off yet.
"Please!" I sob, "Please! I swear it wasn't me!"
He grabs the front of my shirt and hauls me up, and my left ear erupts in pain as his hand collides with it.
"YOU STUPID FUCKING KID I'LL TEACH YOU TO LIE TO ME!" It seems as if he's screaming from underwater, and I can feel something hot dripping from my ear. There's a loud ringing noise, but I don't know where it's coming from. Still holding onto the front of my shirt, my father punches me in the eye, backhands me across my face, and throws me back to the floor. Eyes swollen, I can't stop crying as he continues beating me, but crying just makes him angrier. Finally, he smacks my head against the floor, and everything goes black.
I wake up at St. Mungo's. They said my mum brought me three days ago when I wouldn't wake up. When I ask where she is now, they say she is at work. They tell me how they healed my broken ribs, but I will be sore for a few days. They say they tried to fix my left eardrum that ruptured, but they had to heal the infection that had begun in my inner ear first. Even with all their help, I can't really hear much out of my left ear anymore. They gave me as much anti-concussion potion as they could, but I will need to stay here for at least another week so that they can keep track of how my brain is healing and so I can keep taking potions and my ear drops every day. They say I am lucky to be alive. They ask me many times what happened, but I don't respond. They say they can't contact anybody who could legally help me if neither myself nor my mother provides evidence, but I don't say anything. I know they want to put me in foster care, and I don't trust anybody to help me anymore. Except maybe Lucius. Like Lucius says, the Ministry is inept and can't handle anything well anyways, so it's no use trying. I'll handle it myself.
When my mother visits the next day, I tell her that this is the last time this is going to happen to me.
"Of course it is," whispers my mum, "Remember how last summer when you were so well-behaved he took you fishing and everything?"
"I WAS well-behaved!" I exclaim, angry.
"Young man, don't you raise your voice at me!" she threatens, looking around at the Healers and making sure none of them are listening, "Your father said you ate his food! He works hard at the factory to support us, and he needs his nourishment!"
"I told him I didn't touch his food! It wasn't me!" one of the Healers looks over, and I take a deep breath.
"Then who was it? I didn't take it! I've been at work! You probably just don't remember right!" she snarls.
I take another deep breath, clear my mind, and say, "Yes, ma'am. I must have forgotten. I'm sorry." I might as well let her think what she wants. It doesn't matter— I won't have to live like this for much longer, anyways.
"It's alright, Severus, I'm sure you're tired and not feeling well. I shouldn't have raised my voice at you, either. And I know I should have gone grocery shopping when you left me that note, but I've just been working a lot of overtime lately. I figured you had some money to go on your own, but I guess not."
Staring at a spot on the wall, I take another deep breath, and say, "It don't matter."
"Alright, well, I have today off, so I'm going to go get some groceries and make a little supper for your father. Behave yourself for the healers, you hear me?"
My throat feels full as I say, "Yes, ma'am." I wish she wanted to spend her day off with me, or that she had gone grocery shopping before, but it's fine. Everything is fine. My mum says goodbye and leaves. Healer Moloney comes over once she's gone, and tells me that he'll play a game of cards with me if I'd like. I shake my head, and pull my legs up to my chest and rest my forehead on my knees, wrapping my arms around my legs. When he tries to engage me in conversation, I don't respond. Eventually he leaves me alone.
After a while, I get up and send an owl to Lucius, letting him know what happened. He responds in person. He looks so angry and serious as he marches through the doors that at first I am afraid he's mad at me. He stays for several hours, playing cards with me and talking about new spells he's learning. I tell him that I can't hear much with my left ear anymore, and that it's been hard for me to remember words since I woke up here. He says that he will help me if I ever have to write speeches. I highly doubt that I will ever have to write speeches, but I thank him anyway. He tells me that I can stay with him for the rest of the summer so that I don't have to go back home, and that he'll swing by Madame Circe's Tavern to tell my mum on his way home. Soon, Healer Smithwick chivvies Lucius out, explaining that I need my sleep, and how do we expect my brain to heal if I don't get enough sleep! And look at how little I've drunk! I should know better! I need to drink at least three of those water bottles per day and I have barely drunk one! Shame on me! And with that, Lucius is gone, and I am being poured more water and being told to go to sleep. At least somebody is paying attention to me now.
At St. Mungo's, my hair starts growing quickly and falling out less. After two weeks at the hospital, it feels silkier, shinier, and thicker than before. Whenever Lucius comes to visit, he tells me how much better it looks. Now that my hair is growing, and my bruises and cuts are gone, sometimes I actually take time to look at myself in the mirror when I get ready in the morning.
When the day comes for me to be discharged, Lucius comes to collect me. He brings all my clothes from home and my backpack containing my books and homework. Upon getting to the manor, we go to my room and put my things away. Once we're done, Lucius makes me eat lunch. Afterwards, I put on my old ball cap to shade my eyes from the sun, and we go on a short walk around the gardens and feed his peacocks, then he makes me take the potion for my head that I was prescribed. The potion always puts me to sleep, so when I wake up, we work on getting rid of all my old clothes. He tries to take the few pairs of jeans that actually fit me okay, but I beg him not to, and, taking pity on me, he lets me keep them.
"So where did you get this sweater?" he asks when he gets to Evan's sweater.
"It's from the… the place?" I say, forgetting what word I'm looking for.
"What place?"
"Where you bring stuff that don't fit no more."
"Stuff that doesn't fit anymore?"
"Stuff that doesn't fit anymore."
"The donation center?"
"Mm hmm! The donation center!"
"Hmm, I thought I had seen Evan in a sweater like that at some point. Maybe not… anyways, it's very nice! I'm surprised somebody donated that. It's a bit big on you, though, why don't we shrink it down a bit?"
"No! I like it big. It's comfy, and I can cover my hands with the sleeves like this when I get cold!" I explain, showing him how I like to hold the sleeves with my hands like paws.
"Alright," he laughs, "whatever you say! I still think it looks a bit silly, but I suppose if you like it big, then you can keep it like that."
After we go through all my clothes, all I have left are a couple of t-shirts, the clothes Lucius has given me, Evan's old sweater, a few pairs of my jeans, and my robes and uniforms for school. Lucius says I can look through his old clothes tomorrow, and that if I'm good, maybe we can get me some new clothes from Diagon Alley later on over break.
"Can I work in the lab tomorrow? I have a new potion I want to try out!" I say.
"Not tomorrow. The healers said you should rest for a couple more days and let your brain heal. I don't want you making a mistake that could harm you in the long run. If you're feeling better in a couple of days, then you may work in the lab. If you need any ingredients, I'll take you to get them. I've cleared my work schedule for this next week, anyways," he says with a smile.
"Thank you!"
"It's my pleasure, Severus. Now, I know somebody who needs to get some sleep! Go take a shower and get in bed! The healers at St. Mungo's said to make sure you get lots of sleep, so I'll let you sleep in until eight tomorrow."
"Okay!" I say, getting up, "Goodnight!"
"Goodnight! See you tomorrow morning!" he smiles, and leaves my room.
I'm not tired yet, so I open my curtains up and stare out the window for a while. I don't feel as if I have any options anymore. It's been a long time since my dad was sober, and as the years have gone by, the beatings have gotten worse and worse. My mum doesn't even seem to care. I wonder why she even brought me to St. Mungo's in the first place. If I don't do something about it now, I'm scared that I might not survive another summer back at home. I wish I didn't have to make the decision I'm making, but I don't see any other way out. I used to believe that someday things would get better, but I don't think so anymore.
