September 2nd, 1975

On the first day back at school, Lily confronts me, eyes blazing, before Transfiguration class, "I haven't heard one word from you all summer! I even went by your house a few times and knocked on your door when your dad's truck wasn't there and you never answered! What's wrong with you?"
"Lily, I was in the hospital. I couldn't come see you because I was in the hospital," I mutter, edging away from Evan and the rest of my friends.
"Oh! Are you okay? What happened for you to be there all summer?"
"Keep your voice down! I wasn't there all summer, and don't tell anybody."
"If you weren't there all summer, then where were you? And you know I wouldn't tell."
"I can't hardly hear anything out of my left ear anymore and sometimes it's still hard to remember things. They tried to fix my hearing but they couldn't fix it all the way 'cause I got an ear infection they had to clear out before trying to fix my eardrum," I whisper.
"That's awful, Sev! How did you hurt your eardrum?"
"My dad."
"What?! What do you mean?!" she exclaims.
"He hit me right on my ear like this," I gently touch my hand to her left ear, "but really hard. You know how he is."
"I don't understand…"
"Your eardrums can rupture if there's enough noise or if the pressure in your ear canal changes super suddenly," I shrug, "At least that's what they said at St. Mungo's."
"Sev, that's terrible! What did he do when he realized that had happened? I'm sure he stopped and took you to the doctor or something!"
I shake my head, "I mean, he stopped at some point. Lucius took me home from St. Mungo's when I was all healed up, though."
"That's awful! I'm so sorry that happened to you and that your dad's so mean!"
"Thanks, Lily," I murmur, and shoot her a small smile.
"So I'm assuming you were at Malfoy Manor for the rest of the summer?"
"Yeah, I've been real busy with stuff. Lucius helped me a lot, and I got to meet some of his friends and hang out with Narcissa and everything!"
"And you didn't even think to come visit me at least once before you had to go to St. Mungo's?" her voice rises in accusation.
Rage rises up inside of me like a snake striking, and before I can push it down, I whisper-yell at her, "I'm sorry I didn't anticipate being beaten half to death the first week of summer break! The only food in my house was some fucking noodles, and I was too tired to do anything but sleep! After I left the hospital, Lucius was really helpful. Why would I want to go back to Cokeworth if I can stay at the manor anyways? Just to end up back in St. Mungo's? You don't know how bad it is, Lily!"
"I would if you would tell me! We're supposed to be friends! Best friends! And best friends confide in each other! I'm sorry it's so bad at your house, but how was I supposed to know it had gotten worse? You never tell me anything! You've only ever said that you get whooped and sometimes hit when he's been, you know," she looks around, and lowers her voice even more, "when he's been drinking. You've never said anything about getting beat!"
"That's 'cause I never wanted to make you worry! He's been like that since the mill closed. I just didn't want you to worry about me or say anything to your parents! My mum said that if anybody knew, the muggle government would take me away to a muggle family!"
"Sev, my parents would have taken you in if need be, or we would have figured out a way to keep you safe. I get why you were scared to speak up, but I wish you would have said something! I'm a big girl— I can handle it. Also, I've seen what's going on in the news. I'm not as naïve as you think. You never tell me anything anymore, and I'm worried about you. You've been spending more and more time with Malfoy at his manor, and every time you come back I feel like you're more distant with me! I don't know what goes on while you're there, but I don't want you to become one of those people who's obsessed with blood purity like you see in the Daily Prophet, Sev!"
"Nobody said you were naïve, Lily, I just didn't want you to worry is all, and I'm not like that. I'm half-blood myself, remember? I'm just doing my best with what I've got, okay?" I respond, glaring straight into her emerald eyes, "Sorry I don't meet your high expectations, though."
"Uh uh, don't you turn this around on me and make me the bad guy. You started doing that a couple years ago, and I'm tired of it! I'm sorry I came at you angry. I should have been more understanding. You happy now?" Her voice is too loud, and I notice Lupin glancing over.
"Yup, never been happier," I snap, turning away.
She grabs my hand and, looking around, she whispers, "Wait, Sev! Please don't go. I said I was sorry, okay? How are we supposed to stay friends if you don't tell me anything?"
I glance over at Evan. He raises his eyebrows at me, and I pull my hand away from Lily's, "Listen, I'm sorry, Lily, I'll try to be more open with you from now on, but you're going to have to accept that there are some things that I can't tell you," I whisper as Professor McGonagall strides into the classroom.
"Fine. Don't tell me anything, Severus. I just want us to be close like we used to be, but you're turning into somebody I don't know."
"I'm not sure what to tell you, Lily. We're growing up. Of course we're going to change a little bit. There's no reason for you to react like this, though," I say, turning away and walking back to Evan and the rest of my friends. What am I supposed to do? Tell her about the hours Lucius made me read to him in his own accent, correcting me when I slipped up? About making poison to kill my father, selling the extra vials, and splitting the profit with Lucius? Am I supposed to tell her how Lucius' friends congratulated him on his "project," and touched me in ways I wish I could forget?

When we are all done with classes for the day, I sit in the common room by the fireplace, occupying Lucius' old seat, catching up with Evan, Joseph, Clarence, and John. They like my new ring, and are jealous that I got to spend time with Lucius and his friends. Soon, Regulus Black comes up. We've hung out a few times, and have been cordial since he was sorted. When he comes up to us, he asks what we're up to. The others roll their eyes and say, "Nothing," but I respond truthfully. I let him sit with us. He sits on the floor by my chair in the exact same spot I sat in since I was a first year when Lucius would sit in this chair. When it is time for supper, he sits next to me as well. I see Sirius looking at us, and smile nastily at him. When he sees, Regulus tells me all about how cruel Sirius has been to him since he was sorted into Slytherin, and how Sirius won't hardly look at him anymore, and how Sirius is mean to their house elf, and how his mother wants to kick Sirius out of the house. He says that he had to come to me. He explains that he knew I had to be alright, since Sirius speaks so poorly of me. He says I've always been nice to him and he really needed somebody to talk to. I pat him on the back as Lucius does to me and tell him that I, too, have it rough at home. I say that someday it will be alright. I remind myself of my mother, and wonder if it has happened yet.
"How do you know that it's going to be alright?" he asks.
"Lucius always says it will, and so does my mum. If they say it's going to be okay, then I have to believe them. Especially Lucius. I trust him," I respond.
"Hey! Severus! Clarence is talking to you!" shouts Joseph from across the table.
"What?" I say, as I turn to my left, "were you really?"
"Of course! I wanted to ask you if you wanted to study together after supper tonight!" says Clarence with a disgruntled expression.
"Yes, please! I need to study! And sorry, I didn't hear you! It's super noisy in here" I apologize, trying to cover up my moment of ineptitude.
"I was literally this close to you," he responds, showing me how close with his hands.
"Can I come, too?" pipes up Regulus before anybody has time to ask questions.
"Of course!" I say, quickly looking back at Regulus and giving him a thankful smile.
As we walk away, I catch Lily's eye and nod at her. She waves. Regulus sees her and asks,
"Who's that girl waving at?"
"Me. We live in the same town."
"Oh, I didn't know you had a friend in Gryffindor!"
"Yeah, we don't talk much anymore, though. Once we got sorted into different houses, we kind of grew apart a little."
"Are you sad about it?"
"Let's talk about something else, okay? Are you excited for your classes to begin?"
Regulus looks sideways at me questioningly, but drops it.

Later that night as I snuggle into bed, I reflect on what I said about Lily. If I can keep my friends from paying attention to her, then I can protect her. If I can protect her, then we can stay friends. If we can stay friends, then someday I'll be able to let her know how much she means to me. She was my first real friend– the first time I felt like I was equal to somebody else, not just some weak little kid. I always knew I could be myself around her, but now I'm afraid to tell her anything because I'm nervous she'll tell a professor. I'm afraid that if she told anybody about how I sold my poisons, I'd get in big trouble. I don't want to go to Azkaban or something like that! I don't even have a license or anything! And Lucius would be in trouble, too! And I'm afraid that if she told anybody about how Lucius' friends touched me, I wouldn't be allowed to go to the manor anymore, and Lucius would get in trouble, too! And I'm afraid that if I told her how I want to eat, but starve myself anyways because I don't want to get big and be all alone like when I was a kid, she'd think I'm crazy and tell Madame Pomfrey, and I'd get admitted back to St. Mungo's. Plus, I feel like if I knew how, I should feel romantic towards her. After all, we are a boy and a girl, but I just don't know how. I just love her like a sister! I can't imagine doing that with her! That would be gross! I wonder if I'll ever like a girl like how Joseph, Clarence, and John talk about liking girls, but for some reason, I can't bring myself to think they're attractive like that. All of my friends have started growing, and their voices have cracked and deepened. Evan's been working out a lot over the summer. His muscles have gotten bigger, and he's gotten a lot taller. I remain too short and too skinny. My voice has cracked a few times, but hasn't gotten much deeper, and I don't have one speck of facial hair. I figure that it's okay— it's bound to happen at some point. I know all the healers always said that if I didn't eat enough, my body wouldn't grow and mature right. Is this what they were talking about? But now it feels like it's too late for me to start eating right. I can't even look at food anymore without feeling anxious! Maybe tomorrow I'll try to eat more. Just enough to grow a bit, but not enough to get big.