The next day while I am in Transfiguration, Professor Dumbledore comes to the classroom. I watch him speak to Professor McGonagall for a few urgent minutes, hoping that it has happened. When he asks me to accompany him back to his office, my stomach leaps, but I take a deep breath and clear my mind.
When we sit down, he offers me a glass of water, and says, "Severus, I am sorry to inform you of a very unfortunate event that happened yesterday evening," he says quietly, leaning in slightly to look into my eyes. I look away.
"Yes, sir?"
"Both of your parents were found dead last night."
"Both?" I blurt out, without thinking.
"Yes, dear boy, both. Your mother hadn't come into work for several days, so one of her co-workers went to check on her. We have evidence to believe they both died from a fatal alcohol overdose. It seems your mother also had some unfortunate head trauma. I am so sorry," he says quietly, an expression of greatest sadness and sympathy on his face.
I don't want his sympathy. I need to go. I need to get out of here. His eyes seem to pierce me when I look at him, and I don't want him to see my guilt. I take a deep breath, redirecting my gaze to a spot on the wall.
"Severus?" he says as he reaches out to touch my shoulder.
"Thanks for letting me know," I say, shaking his hand off, "May I go now? I should get back to class."
"You are exempt from class for the rest of the day. You will need to go home to speak with your priest about the funeral. I am happy to escort you should you want—"
"I'm fine. Lucius can probably take me," I say, "and if not, I can go on my own."
"Lucius Malfoy?"
"Yes, sir."
"I will contact him for you. While I do that, you're going to go down to the Hospital Wing. I would like you to have a talk with Madame Pomfrey. I believe she wants to do a checkup as well. She said your weight was very low before you left for summer break."
"Yes, sir," I mumble. The bowl of porridge I ate for breakfast feels heavy in my stomach now, and I wish I hadn't eaten anything at all.
"Severus?"
"Sir?"
"Are you alright? I know this must be very hard for you," he says sadly.
I take a deep breath, void my face of emotion, look into his eyes, and say, "Yes, sir, I'm fine. Everything is fine."
He furrows his brows and dismisses me.
On my way to the hospital wing, I shove some various coins and vials of potions from my school bag into my pockets to make me heavier. When I get there, Madame Pomfrey, wanting to get the most accurate number on the scale possible, makes me take off my cloak and shoes, sweater, tie, and button-down. Noticing the lumps of coins and vials in my pants pockets, she has me turn out my pockets and put the coins back into my bag, then she asks me to step on the scale to take my weight. I turn around to step on the scale, and when she sees the scars covering my back, Madame Pomfrey lets out a tiny gasp, "Oh, sweetheart! What happened to you?"
I shrug.
"Severus, I need to know what happened. Can you tell me? We need to make sure it doesn't happen again."
"It won't. He's dead now. He can't hurt me anymore," I mumble.
"Who?"
"My father."
When she sees how low the number is and compares it with my discharge notes from St. Mungo's, she asks me some questions, then, before she lets me put the rest of my clothes back on, she does some spells to check my stomach, liver, kidneys, thyroid, and intestines. Finding nothing wrong, she lets me put the rest of my clothes back on and gives me a warm blanket. While she tries to engage me in conversation about my previous home life, Lucius and Professor Dumbledore arrive. As soon as he sees me, Lucius comes straight over to me and pulls me into a tight hug. I feel my eyes starting to water, and I bury my face in his chest. I take a deep breath, close my eyes briefly, and open them again, mind cleared.
"I can take it from here, Professor," he says, stroking my hair.
"Thank you, Lucius," says Professor Dumbledore, "Severus, we will talk about the question of your guardianship when you return."
"I'll take care of him, Professor," Lucius declares.
Dumbledore hesitates for a brief second, then looks at me, and says, "We can talk about it once Severus has had a chance to think it over."
I shake my head, and mumble, "It's okay. Lucius has always taken care of me. It never was my parents, anyways."
Lucius pats me on the back.
Dumbledore fixes Lucius with a penetrating gaze, and says, "That's very generous of you, Lucius."
Lucius looks away, then, as if choosing his words very carefully, he says, "Not at all, Dumbledore. I'm just… just doing the right thing for Severus."
"Of course," Dumbledore smiles, still watching Lucius.
As Lucius and I leave the hospital wing to go back to the manor, I hear Madame Pomfrey say to Dumbledore, "Professor, there's something I need to tell you," and I know she's going to tell him about my dad. It doesn't matter now anyways, so I shouldn't still be nervous, but I am.
I manage to keep my mind clear until we get to my house, but as soon as we walk through the door, my eyes begin to tear up again. I wipe my eyes angrily, but the tears don't go away.
Lucius pats me on the back, and says, "Come on, let's go to the church, alright? Dumbledore said you needed to talk to the priest about your parents. We need to get that over with, then we can finish up here and be done with it."
I nod, wipe my eyes again, take a deep breath, and lead Lucius to the parish center to talk to the priest. I tell him there's no money for a funeral or headstones or anything. He says the church can cover the burial, but that's it. With no other options, we plan the burial for that evening. While Lucius and I wait, we go back to my house and pack up the few possessions I want to take back to the manor with me and clean out any food or drinks that would go bad while nobody's living there. Once we're done, it's time to go to the graveyard. I know I should cry when I see the fresh mound of dirt covering the bodies of my parents, but I now that I'm face to face with what I've done, all I feel is numb shock. I make the sign of the cross like my dad would have wanted, and turn around to start walking away. Lucius doesn't say anything as we walk back to my house.
Before we leave, I murmur, almost to myself, "What have I done?"
Lucius turns to me, and, with a slight smile, says, "You killed your parents."
I look into his eyes, and say, "My dad must have just gotten his promotion for him and my mum to be drinking. Remember before we left for the train station, she said he was up for a promotion, and they would celebrate if he got it. What if he was gonna be sober for good this time? He took better care of me than my mum when he was sober!"
Lucius sighs, "I'm going to tell you the truth, and I want you to listen. Neither of your parents ever loved you. All Eileen ever did was neglect you. She jumped at every opportunity she could to pass you off to me because she didn't want to have to take care of you. Your father was a violent drunk who should never have had a child. He was never going to stay sober."
My eyes start to tear up, and I sniff, "But what if?!"
"Stop crying. You've done what you've done, and you can't take it back."
"What if they find out it was me and I go to Azkaban?!" my voice is rising as tears begin to fall down my cheeks.
"Nobody's going to find out it was you. Only you and I know what you've done."
"Lucius? Have you ever done anything bad?" I ask, wiping my eyes with my sleeve.
Lucius smirks at me, and, putting a hand on my back, says quietly, "Come along, Severus. Let's go home, alright?"
Lost in thought, I'm quiet during dinner. Before bed, Lucius reads to me from his conservative newspaper as I lay on my back on the couch, staring at the ceiling, absentmindedly fingering the baby blanket I stuffed in my backpack at the last second before leaving my house. I don't know why I took it, really, but sitting here looking at it now makes me remember the days before my dad started drinking. He stopped letting me sleep with it when I was seven and he lost his job at the mill. He said only babies sleep with blankets or toys, and that he'd throw it away if he ever caught me sleeping with it again. I guess I really am too old for it now. Once I go upstairs, I fold the blanket up neatly, put it in the bottom of my wardrobe, and go to bed. Like my mum used to say, it was a different time.
The next day when I return to Hogwarts, Lucius, Dumbledore, Madame Pomfrey, Professor Slughorn and I have a long meeting about my guardianship, my house, and my health. For my guardianship, Lucius signs papers to have custody and power of attorney for me for the remaining one and a half years that I will be underage. Lucius tells them about the protective enchantments he put around my house. They seem content. Slughorn boasts that Lucius always was good with charms.
"And Severus is incredible with potions," says Lucius, looking Slughorn straight in the eyes.
Slughorn looks away uncomfortably. I know he is thinking about all of the gifts Potter has given him to stay in the spotlight. Right then, I know that Slughorn will never give my contact to anybody, and I vow to never go to the Slugclub again. It's okay, though, I have better, more powerful contacts now, anyways.
When the topic turns to my health, I feel attacked and interrogated. Not even Lucius is on my side now. At one point, I cover my eyes with my hands and sink down into my chair, "Maybe I'll eat more when I've studied enough for my exams and stuff and I can remember things more, and maybe I'll drink more water when I'm not busy worrying about everything, and I don't wanna take any more of your potions! I'm fine! Everything is fine!"
"You're ill, Severus, you can't keep denying it forever," says Lucius.
"Now, really, Mr. Snape! There are four people in this room who are trying to help you, but you are fighting us every step of the way! Try to see sense!" splutters Slughorn.
"Professor Slughorn! The child is traumatized! You can't tell me you've already forgotten what I told you all this morning! And you've never seen him without that cloak or big, bulky sweater on, but he's absolutely emaciated! He needs rest, more food, more liquids, and more potions for his poor head, not your reproaches!" cries Madame Pomfrey, "I know how much he weighs, and it's absolutely appalling! When I had him step on my scale yesterday, he had put coins and vials of potions in his pockets to make the number higher! The poor thing's all skin and bones! You can't tell me the child doesn't need help!"
"Is that true, Severus?" Lucius turns to regard me with disappointment.
Behind my hands, I can feel my eyes beginning to well up with tears.
"Well?"
Very slowly, I nod my head.
"How much does he weigh, Madame Pomfrey?" Lucius says, tiredly.
"Well, once I made him take out everything he had put in his pockets, he was 5 feet tall and 78 pounds. That's even less than he weighed at the end of the last school year! I've tested him for parasites, ulcers, intestinal, thyroid, kidney, and liver issues, reflux, irritable bowel syndrome, cancer, and everything else I could think of, but there's nothing wrong with him, other than the fact that he doesn't eat!" she exclaims.
"I told you I thought you had lost weight a few weeks after you left St. Mungo's, Severus!" Lucius sighs, "Why won't you just eat? Do you not like the food Dobby makes? What about the food here?"
I shrug, and mutter, "My stomach just hurts."
"But that's the thing, Severus, sweetheart, I've tested you for everything under the sun! There's nothing wrong with your stomach! You weighed 83 pounds when you left the hospital this summer after promising the healers that you would eat, yet here you are now! Are you just anxious? Is that why your stomach hurts?" Madame Pomfrey says, lowering her voice.
I shrug.
"Because if you're anxious or stressed, that might be what's making your stomach hurt."
I shrug again.
"I'm happy to give you a daily potion to help you calm down a bit for a month or so if that's what you need to be able to eat. Do you think that would help you?"
I don't answer her.
"Madame Pomfrey asked you a question. Don't be disrespectful, Severus. Answer her," murmurs Lucius, rubbing my back.
"I dunno," I mutter, "I don't wanna take any more potions if I don't have to."
"Why, sweetheart? If it would help you, why wouldn't you want to take them?"
I shrug, then, not wanting Lucius to be mad at me, say, "I'm not crazy. I don't need potions. Like you said, there's nothing wrong with me."
Madame Pomfrey looks into my eyes, and says seriously, "Sweetheart, if you keep losing weight, we're going to have to admit you back to St. Mungo's. You don't want that to happen, right? You want to be healthy and do well in school, don't you? And I know your friends want to see you happy and healthy, too."
Feeling my eyes well up again, I look away.
Madame Pomfrey sighs, and says, "I suppose we can talk about this more at another time when he's not so wound up. Lucius? You have your work cut out for you, I hope you know that."
"Yes, ma'am," Lucius says, "he's always been like this. I don't remember it being so bad when I was still in school, though. But no matter, we'll figure it out, won't we, Severus?"
I just nod.
We finish up the meeting, and before heading back to the Slytherin common room, Madame Pomfrey tells me to come to the hospital wing next Friday after my classes and we can talk about starting a daily potion to make me less anxious. I say I'll go, but secretly, I think I'll "forget." I'm not crazy. I don't need help.
It is only when we get back to the dorms that I remember Lily. I squirm nervously. I want to tell her everything, but she'll think I'm a bad person if she knows what I've done. When we get to the Slytherin common room and my friends ask what happened, I state that my parents died, and that I don't want to talk about it. They all give their condolences. Evan gives me a long hug. I don't pull away. We all meet around the fireplace, like we used to. Lucius takes his armchair back, and I sit on the floor next to him. Evan sits next to me. Joseph and Clarence sit on the small couch, and John sits on the other armchair. Regulus and his friend Rabastan (Rodolphus' younger brother) sit by the fire. Normally I would talk with my friends or do homework, but today I just stare into the fire, letting myself dissociate.
When it is time for Lucius to leave, I walk with him to the front entrance. He pats my back, smooths my hair out of my face and tells me that if I need him to let him know, but that he will be very busy for the next few months.
"What are you so busy with? Who do you keep having meetings with?"
"You'll know soon enough."
"Don't treat me like a baby! I wanna know. I want to be part of it. I don't wanna be weak anymore!"
"Be grateful that I tell you anything about it when you aren't even out of school yet, and as for you joining, what do you think I've been introducing you to all of my friends at the manor for?" he whispers, then, in his normal volume, he says, "Now, do well in school. Keep your grades up, and try to present yourself better. I understand that you aren't feeling well right now, but remember to keep your hair back and try to stand up straight. You're already so short, you don't want to look any shorter. And for Merlin's sake, eat your food!" With that, he walks out of the doors. He looks back when I yell his name. I don't know what I want to say, but somehow I feel as though I need to say something. When I turn around, I see Potter, Black, Pettigrew, and Lupin watching me from the stairwell. I glare at them, shove my hands in my pocket to grab my wand just in case, and start walking back towards my common room.
"Whatcha doing, Snivellus?" calls Potter, unveiled disgust in every syllable.
"Leave me alone," I mutter.
"No thanks– we saw you with Malfoy, and thought you two must be up to something. So what is it? Planning on poisoning somebody? What about some dark arts?" mocks Black.
"No! I haven't poisoned anybody!" I yell, face turning red, my heart starts beating faster, "Just leave me alone!"
"Guilty conscience?" asks Potter as they begin walking down the stairs.
"No!"
"We're just trying to keep the school safe– safe from little gremlins like you and my dark arts obsessed brother," sneers Black.
"You don't even have the right to call him your brother, Black. He doesn't even like you! He hates you! You disgust him! You're stupid and ignorant and pompous and it's your own fault that your family hates you!" I draw my wand. If it's a fight they want, it's a fight they'll get.
Suddenly, the doors to the school open back up to reveal Lucius. His eyes dart from me to Potter, Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew, then narrow to fixate on Black, whose wand is pointed at me, "Oh dear, what must your mother and father think, Sirius. Fighting four against one," he sneers, shaking his head, "Funny– I thought Gryffindors were supposed to be braver than that."
"So you think we're cowards?" Black snaps, red in the face.
"I don't think I said that," Lucius smiles nastily, "I'd suggest you boys run along now, or I might have to make a call on poor Walburga and Orion and let them know what their eldest son has been doing in his free time."
"Come on, Sirius, James, let's go," Lupin murmurs, pulling his friends away.
"I would've been okay, but thanks anyways," I sniff, pocketing my wand as the four Gryffindors disappear back up the stairs and down the hall, "Why'd you come back?"
"You called for me, and I saw something moving behind you when I turned around. I didn't think I had seen anybody around us before I left, so I figured I'd come back to make sure everything was alright."
"Thanks," I mumble.
Lucius opens his mouth to say something, shuts it, then says, "Why don't I walk with you back to the common room? Or at least most of the way there. I don't like the idea of them harassing you, especially not now while you're not feeling yourself."
"If you want. I feel bad that we came all the way out here just for you to go all the way back just for me."
"It's alright, Severus, I'm happy to walk you back to the common room! Do they come at you like that very often?" Lucius asks, putting a hand on my back and guiding me back down the hall.
I nod my head, "Yeah, all the time. They're obsessed with me– they're always trying to get me for stuff. They say they're trying to 'protect the school,' but all they're doing is ganging up on me. And they only ever come after me. They don't go after Evan and Clarence and them."
"Oh, so they fancy themselves vigilantes, do they? Well, I'd say you should go to Slughorn about them, but honestly, if his behavior today was any indication about how he feels, I don't think he'd be of much assistance. Plus, with the way this school is going..." I shoot him an inquizitive glance, and he whispers, "Too many mudbloods and blood traitors running around these halls. Pure blood is worth less and less these days, unfortunately. Don't you agree?"
I think of Lily, but if I disagree with Lucius, he'll be mad at me, so I just nod, and mutter, "Mm hmm."
When we get back to the common room, Lucius gives me another hug, and says, "Just stick with your friends whenever you can. Don't go anywhere alone unless you have to, alright? Don't give them a reason to bully you. If you have to fight, be careful. You don't want to be the one who ends up being punished if a professor sees you, do you understand?"
"Yes, Lucius. I'll be careful. I promise!"
"Good boy. You're going to make this a good year, right?"
"Mm hmm!"
"Goodbye, Severus, I'll see you at Christmas!"
"Bye!"
Lucius walks off, and I go into my common room. I go sit by the fire to be alone with my thoughts for a bit, but find that Regulus is already there. He asks if I'm doing alright, and somehow I end up telling him how Potter and Black and their friends were accusing me of poisoning people, and how they never leave me alone. I tell him how my parents both died of alcohol poisoning. I tell him how my father abused me, and how I'm sure my father must have finally gotten his promotion to have convinced my mum to drink with him.
Regulus listens in silence, then says slowly, "From what you've told me about how your father used to treat you, he deserved what he got. My mum always says that muggles are all like that, but there's the proof– your father was so scared of you and your mum's magic that he became a monster. That's just how muggles are."
"I guess so. When he was sober, he was alright for the most part, but he wasn't usually sober. Some of the other men that lost their jobs at the mill started drinking, too. I guess muggles are all like that. But then again, my friend Lily's parents are muggles, and they're really nice to me. They took me to the hospital one time, and I spent Christmas with them one year, and they've always been really nice to me."
"I'll bet you anything they're just waiting to hurt you for your magic. That's what my mother always says. Muggles are monsters– they wait for people like us to show our powers, then they hurt us because they're scared."
"I never thought of that! But how could that be true? I know that Lily's sister is hateful like that, but her parents have always seemed so nice! I always thought they liked me!"
"It's true, my mother always says it. If you're still worried, though, ask your friend. I bet she knows it, she's just hiding it because she's jealous that you're halfblood and she's only a mudblood."
"Don't call her that."
"Why? That's what she is, isn't she?"
"I mean, I guess. But anyways, I have to go find her. I gotta ask. Will you come with me?"
"Sure thing!
We leave the common room to head to the library– I figure she'd be there. She says her common room is noisy, so she likes to study in the library instead. When I don't see Lily in the library, I go up to Marleen and ask where she is. When Marlene turns around to look at me, there is disgust in her eyes.
"Oh, we heard about what you said to Sirius. Lily's in the common room crying. I guess we both thought you were alright. I can't believe you would have said that stuff to Sirius."
"But he was accusing me of poisoning people!"
"Sirius would never do that, you little liar!" she exclaims, "I don't even know why Lily still talks to you, you with your dark arts friends!"
"They're not like that!" I snap.
"Really? Are you that stupid? I know you know what Mulciber did to Dorcas Meadows the other day!"
"What did he do, mess up her skirt a little? That was just a joke, Marleen!"
"Get away from me, Snape. I don't even want to be near you!"
"Fine! You're weird, anyways, the only reason I talked to you is 'cause I wanted to know where Lily was," I sneer, and walk away. I feel like my world is crashing down around me. Still a boy while my friends are all turning into men and Lily crying because of some lie Sirius Black told her— and to be honest, I didn't even say anything that bad to him, only the truth. He deserved it. He's so stupid, it probably went in one ear and out the other. He was just waiting for an excuse to hex me. I'll get him back, though. Then Lily will see that he's the one at fault, not me.
Regulus and I walk to the owlery, and he lets me use his owl to send Lily a letter.
Lily— I don't know what you heard hapened between me, Black and Potter, but it's not true! They ackyoosed me of poisoning people! What was I supposed to do? Plus Lucius came back and stoped it before it got bad. Please don't be mad at me it wasn't my fault. Also I need to talk to you about your parents. Me and Regulus were talking about our parents and I told him that I've always loved your parents and he said that because there muggles they really don't like me and there just waiting for me to do something wrong then they'll hurt me! That can't be true is it?
Sev
By the time I get back to my common room and am studying with Regulus, I get a letter back.
All I know is that you and Malfoy said some really terrible things to Black and to Potter. I can't believe that they would accuse you of poisoning people, but still, you can't just say things like that to people! I know that you're used to people fighting, but you can't do that! Now Marleen is talking about how she doesn't trust you, and how you were mean to her, and how you said that what Mulciber did to Dorcas the other day was a joke! I can't believe you would have said that, or that you would believe for one second that rubbish about my parents, but I don't know anymore. I feel like you're turning into somebody I don't know, and I'm scared. I want to stay friends forever, but you're scaring me, Sev. We can talk about it tomorrow during charms.. We'll be practicing banishing charms, so it'll be nice and loud.
Lily
I am shocked— how could Lily think that about me? I'm the same as I've always been. She must just be worried that my brain stuff is turning me into a zombie or something. Yes, that has to be it. I'll set her straight tomorrow during class. I'll tell her that the death of my parents really made me weak yesterday, and that I'm not even mad at Marleen or Black anymore. I'll tell her I'm still super nice, then she'll still like me, and we'll be like we used to be. Everything will be alright.
