"Listen, it wasn't my fault! They attacked me!" I appeal to Lily during Charms the next day.
"I understand, Sev," she says, giving Potter and Black a dirty look, "but you can't say that stuff to people! That's the sort of stuff your dad says to you! You don't wanna be like that, do you?"
"Oh, I don't think I told you– it all happened so fast– my parents died a few days ago. Dumbledore told me when he took me out of Transfiguration the other day. There was no money for a funeral, so the church buried them in the graveyard. That's why I was gone yesterday."
"Oh, Sev!" Lily exclaims, throwing her arms around me in a big hug, "No wonder you've been acting odd!" the whole class turns around to look.
"Lily, stop, it's fine" I say as my face starts going red, "Get off! It's fine!"
"No, it's not fine! Your parents died and here I was mad at you 'cause I thought you were ignoring me!" she cries.
"His parents are dead?" I hear whispers throughout the class, and gently push Lily off me. I see Potter looking at me, but I can't quite pinpoint his expression. Anger? Frustration? Confusion? It couldn't be jealousy— what do I have that he could be jealous of?
"I said it's fine."
As Professor Flitwick redirects the class, Lily and I continue our conversation, "You know, my dad must have finally gotten that promotion for him and my mum to have both been drinking."
"I'm so sorry, Sev."
"It's fine. Honest. It's just weird to legally be an orphan now. I always kinda raised myself I guess, so it doesn't really feel that different."
Lily gives me a quick, one-armed hug and says, "Don't worry, Sev! I bet my parents would love to take you in!"
I frown, wishing I had thought to ask them first, but then Lucius would have been mad at me, and I don't want to lose him, and then I think of my friends. I would lose all of them, probably even Evan, if I moved in with Lily's family, so I just say, "Damn, I wish I had thought of that. When Dumbledore told me, I just told him to write to Lucius, 'cause he's always taken care of me, you know? He's always taking me to stay at his manor for breaks, and giving me nice stuff, so I just thought of him first, I guess. Lucius already signed the papers for temporary guardianship, so he already has custody and everything."
"I suppose that makes sense that you'd think of him first. He's always kinda pushed you around and told you what to do, so he has lots of practice being your dad already," Lily lets out a forced laugh, "Do you think he'll at least let you come visit me over the summers?
"I don't know," I say, knowing full well I'm not even going to try to ask him. He thinks that Lily and I aren't even friends anymore, "We can at least write to each other, though, and we can still be friends at school, right?"
"I guess so. It's a shame that it had to happen this way. I'm sure we'll be able to make it work. We always have, but it'll just be a bit harder from now on. My parents have friends who live far away that they don't get to see very often, so we'll just have to make do like they do. It'll be fine," she says. I give her a one-armed hug, but let go when I see Potter glaring at me. What is his problem? I know he likes Lily, but they're not together, and we're just friends.
"Potter's been glaring at me this whole time," I mutter in Lily's ear.
"That's 'cause he's a pompous toe-rag, Sev. Just ignore him."
"Does he think we're, you know, together or something? 'Cause we're not. We're just friends."
"Hmm, maybe. I'm not sure. I know he likes me, but there's no reason for him to be jealous of us! Like you said, we're just friends."
As I open my mouth to speak, Lily does a perfect banishing charm, "How are you so good at everything?" I ask, partially to gloss over the awkward moment, and partially because I'm annoyed, "It's not fair!"
"Oh, boo-hoo, somebody else is better than you for once in your life. If anything's not fair, it's how good you are at potions and defense."
"Yeah, but potions is easy! I just study real hard at everything else! I just can't ever remember the spells for charms or transfiguration. I remember the stuff for defense 'cause I have to use it. Lately, I just haven't been able to remember other stuff, though," I muse.
Lily lightly touches my arm, "Do the professors know about what happened this summer?"
Feeling watched, I look back over at Potter. He looks away quickly, and I say, "Yeah. McGonagall was real nice about it, actually. She's giving me extra time on exams if I need it since my last concussion was so bad, and she said she'll meet with me once a month around when it's time for me to take my potion to make sure I'm on track and remembering things. In December, I'm supposed to go back to St. Mungo's to make sure everything's healed okay, and if it has, then I won't have to take my potions anymore."
"I love McGonagall, she's so sweet."
"Yeah, I think she feels bad about how she treated me before they all found out that my father was a drunk, 'cause she wasn't that nice to me before—" suddenly, a pillow hits me from behind so hard I fall over on my hands and knees. Getting up, I hear laughter. Spitting hair out of my mouth, I spin around, grabbing my wand, and point it straight at Potter, who is doubled over, laughing.
"Sev," Lily laughs and pushes my wand down, "it was a joke! Don't take it so seriously!"
"It wasn't a joke. He wanted to hit me with the pillow to hurt me," I growl, as Potter walks away, fluffing up his hair like an idiot.
"It's just a pillow, you silly goose. Sometimes, you amaze me."
"If you'd spent every year here being harassed by them, you wouldn't be so quick to laugh," I mutter.
"Oh, by the way," Lily lightly touches my right hand, "I like your ring! Where did you get it?"
I can feel my heartbeat speed up slightly as I remember the way Yaxley's hand felt moving up my thigh. I shiver as the memory of Dolohov saying how lovely I'd sound screaming pops into my head.
"Sev?" she asks after a couple of seconds pass by.
"Sorry, I got distracted. Thank you! Lucius gave it to me! I'm thinking about having my cartilage pierced and getting a matching earring, but I don't know if Lucius would like that," I say, not meeting her eyes.
"That would look so good on you, Sev! You should get your lobes done, too. You'd look super cool with lots of piercings! But what does it matter if Lucius would like it? He doesn't own your body, you do!"
"You think so? I've been wanting my ears done for a while!" I say, ignoring the last part of what she said.
"I could do your ears! Ruth and I did ours with safety pins over the summer."
"Okay! Let's do it after class! You're right! I don't care what Lucius thinks about it. The most he can do is make me take them out, and I won't see him again for a while, so they'll have lots of time to heal!" A reckless abandonment sets over me, and we make plans to meet in the girl's bathroom where the ghost Moaning Myrtle always hangs out.
After class, I wait by the abandoned bathroom while Lily runs to her common room to grab extra earrings, a safety pin, rubbing alcohol, cotton balls, and a pain potion. When she gets back, she gives me the potion while she rubs my ears down with the rubbing alcohol and casts Scourgify on the safety pin and various earrings.
"Why do you have a random pain potion?" I ask her.
"Um, for when I have cramps. Obviously?" she says, rolling her eyes.
"Like, muscle cramps?"
"Like period cramps, you silly goose!"
"Oh. What's that?"
"Are you serious?"
I nod my head, feeling stupid
"Oh! Um, I guess I can explain it to you," she says, "but first let me do your ears. Where do you want the piercings, and how many do you want?"
"Oh, it doesn't matter to me. Do whatever you think looks good. I trust you. And I'll just take a little sip of the potion, I'll be fine. You save the rest for yourself."
"Are you sure? It's gonna hurt!"
"Yeah, it doesn't matter. I'll be fine," I say, taking a tiny sip then handing the vial back to her.
"Okay, whatever you say, Sev!" After numbing my ears up with some ice conjured from the tap water, she proceeds to do two piercings through each of my lobes, two piercings through my right helix, and one through my left. The ice and the sip of pain potion I took help a bit, but I can still feel a lot. Rather than let her see my pain, I take a deep breath, fix my eyes on a spot on the wall, and let myself dissociate, then I hear her say my name.
I blink, look around, and say, "Mmm?"
"You there?" she smiles, but I can tell she's a bit put-off.
"Yeah! Sorry, I was just thinking," I say, and look in her handheld mirror at all the different piercings she's done.
"Maybe I shouldn't have done so many…" she says.
"No! They look so good! I love it, Lily!" I exclaim. As I stand up, the blood rushes to my head and I feel faint. I grab the sink to catch my balance, then closely examine my ears in the mirror, "Do you want me to replace these earrings for you?"
"No, that's okay! I got a bunch this summer, so I'm fine. I have a couple pairs left that I brought– you wanna give me a couple new piercings? I want my doubles done for my lobes, and I want my helix done like I did your left one!" she says, pulling the earrings out of her bag.
"Okay! You want the two on your right helix, too?"
"Ooo yeah! Then we'll match! Let me clean off the safety pin. You can clean off my ears and the earrings."
After we're done, we have matching left and right helix piercings. She ends up not wanting her doubles done on her lobes, though. The pain potion she took has worn off by the time I finish her cartilage piercings, and she doesn't want to touch her ears anymore. On our way outside, Lily explains periods to me, and I wish I hadn't asked. When she's done, we chat about our summers a bit more. I tell her about how I sold a few potions to make money, and she tells me about how Petunia got in trouble with her parents because one of her teachers caught her kissing her boyfriend outside of school. I tell her about how much fun I had playing with different poisons, and she tells me how she and her friends hung out at the park together, but that it wasn't the same as hanging out at the park with me. I talk about how some of Lucius' friends scared me a little, but they're really powerful in the ministry, so it's okay. She asks what their names were and why they scared me. I tell her I don't remember anymore, but they're older, so I was probably just a little awestruck. She asks what kind of poisons I made, and I tell her about one I was thinking about making that destroys the drinker's liver, but I never made it because it was too hard. She gives me a look with raised eyebrows, but doesn't say anything else about it. Once we get to the lake, we sit in silence. That's something I've always liked about Lily— I never feel as though I have to talk when I'm with her. It's enough to just be together.
When the sun starts to set, and we stand up, Lily turns to me, and asks quietly, "How did your parents really die?"
I look down at my feet, and mumble, "It's getting late. We should head back to the castle." I look back up at her, and for a second, we look into each other's eyes, then she hugs me tight.
After a minute, we let each other go, and she says, "Sev, I— nevermind."
"What?"
"It's all going to be okay, right? You Know Who, and all the deaths, and everything that's happening out there. Do you think it's gonna be okay?"
I squeeze her hand, and murmur, "I don't know. We just have to survive. That's all. Just keep surviving. But that's not what you wanted to hear, is it?"
Lily shakes her head.
I hesitate for a second, unsure of what to do, then ask, "Would you like a hug?"
Lily nods, and I wrap her up in my arms. She's taller than me, but I don't care.
After a minute, Lily lets go, and says, "Thank you for being honest."
"Of course!"
"Sev?" she asks, pushing a strand of hair behind one of her ears, "have you ever gone on a date with anybody before?"
"Nah," I respond, "I haven't had money till this summer, anyways."
"Is there anybody you'd want to go on a date with?" Lily looks into my eyes. I hadn't noticed before, but she's wearing mascara.
I think of Evan, then take a deep breath, and say, "I guess, but they wouldn't want to go out with me."
"They?" she asks, raising her eyebrows.
"No, not more than one person, silly goose," I grin.
"Who is it, then?"
"It doesn't matter."
Lily laughs quietly, and says, "You can tell me! I promise I won't make fun of you!"
I shake my head, and stare out across the lake. If I tell her, then I'm sure she'd think I was crazy, and disgusting, and she wouldn't want to be my friend anymore. Besides, the way I feel is wrong, anyways. I need to find a girl I like.
"You've gotten so secretive since we came to Hogwarts," Lily frowns, "But I guess you've always been secretive."
"I don't want you to have to worry about me."
"But we're best friends! I'll always worry about you! Always!" she exclaims, "Are you sure there's nothing you want to tell me?"
I think about all the poisons I made and sold over the summer. I think about the spells I've created. I think about the conversations I listened to Lucius and his friends having about mudbloods and muggles and wizarding supremacy. I think about how Yaxley's hands felt unbuttoning my shirt, and how Dolohov's cherry lollipop made me feel so tired and weak. Finally, I think about Evan, and how I can't understand why I feel the way I feel about him. Then I shake my head and look straight into her beautiful emerald eyes, "I can't."
She looks away to the sunset, and murmurs, "I think I understand."
As we walk back to the castle, I feel as if a divide has gone up between us— as if we are somehow separated by miles and miles, even though we are right next to each other. When we reach the front doors, we say goodbye, and Lily and I walk away in separate directions back to our respective common rooms. I look back, wanting to say something, but Lily doesn't. The words I wanted to say die on their way up, and I turn back around and walk away from the first real friend I ever had.
When I get back to my common room, it is dark. Regulus and Evan have stayed by the fire to wait for me. I am glad to have friends like them. Evan puts his arm around my shoulder when I sit down. I know I should pull away, but I don't. Regulus gives us a small smile. They both say they like my piercings. It might be the firelight, but Evan seems to be blushing a bit. When I ask him if he's too warm, he nods, takes his sweater off, crosses his legs, and covers them with his sweater, but puts his arm back around my shoulder when he's done. We stay up talking far past when we should have gone to sleep, and when we finally say goodnight and go to our respective dorms, I lay in bed mulling over the day. My mind wanders to how nice Evan's arm felt around me at the fire, and I glance over at him. He is lying on his side with his blanket half hanging off him. I smile to myself, then quickly look away. Unbidden, the image of him shaving pops into my head. I can feel my heart-beat speed up, and embarrassed, I turn over, clearing my mind. I should be thinking of a girl. Not my friend. Not another boy. That's not natural! Unable to sleep, I get up and head to the bathrooms to take a shower and clear my head. The eucalyptus scent of the shampoo, conditioner, and soap Lucius gave me makes me feel special, and the hot water relaxes my muscles. When I feel ready to go back to bed, I turn the water off, and immediately wrap myself in my towel, shivering. I put my boxers and sweatpants back on, wrap my hair up in the towel, and get out of the shower. I go to put my sweater back on, but stop when I hear footsteps.
"Sev? Why are you up so late?" Evan's voice calls out quietly. My breath hitches.
"Evan! You startled me! I couldn't sleep, so I came in here to take a shower. What are you doing?" I say, trying to keep my voice down. I don't want to wake anybody else up.
"I couldn't sleep either, and I noticed you get up and leave. I figured if neither of us can sleep, why not hang out together, right?" he says quietly, walking closer. He is wearing one of his thin gray t-shirts. It is just tight enough to see his muscles through.
I can feel myself blush, and I look away, "I guess. Why don't you take a shower? That always helps me when I feel tired! Anyways, I'm going to go back to bed now!" I fumble with my towel as I take it off my head, set it down, and grab my sweater, holding it by my waist. I wish he would stop walking towards me and look away.
Evan looks me up and down, and says, "You've been eating less again, haven't you?"
"No! Maybe. I don't know. I've just been busy," I sigh, "I'm sorry that I'm naturally ugly, but here we are."
"No, that's not what I was saying! I'm just worried about you, that's all. And I don't want you to get sick!" he's close enough to touch me, and I can't help but look into his face, "And besides, I don't think you're ugly at all."
My heart is pounding in my chest. The goosebumps on my arms aren't from the cold, and the room feels warm and misty from the hot water, "What do you think of me, then?" I whisper, looking up at him and remembering how he put his arm around me by the fire.
"I think you're perfect," he whispers back, and suddenly his lips are on mine and his hands are all over, tangling in my hair and running down my back, and then—
"No," I gasp, pulling away, "we shouldn't be doing this. This is wrong."
"But— but, Sev," Evan teeters on the verge of saying something, but then he sighs, and, running his hand through his hair, he murmurs, "No, you're right, like always. I'm sorry."
"No, it's my fault. Let's just go to bed, okay?"
"Okay."
"Oh! By the way— did you want your sweater back? Sorry I keep forgetting to give it back to you!"
Evan looks at me sadly, then says, "You keep it. I told you, I want you to have it."
Unsure of how to answer, I smile shyly up at him, and he pulls me into a tight hug. He holds me for a minute, then slowly lets go.
Looking at the floor, I ask, "You want a towel or something to hold?"
"Nah, nobody's out anyways," Evan grins embarrassedly, "and if they are out at this time of the night, then it's not my fault what they see."
I pull my sweater on, thankful that it's extra long on me, and we head back to our dorm. While before, I was relaxed from my shower, now my mind is buzzing with questions. Once I'm back in bed, I roll over to look at Evan. He is lying on his back with his covers bunched up around his hips and his hands clasped behind his head. I can tell that he is not asleep, either. I feel my heart-beat quicken as I remember how Evan's hands felt on my body– so different from how it felt when Yaxley or Dolohov were touching me. Evan was gentle, loving, and passionate, not cold and demanding. I can't imagine anybody could possibly think I was perfect, and I'm angry at myself for feeling the way I do. I shouldn't feel this way about my friend. I should feel this way about a girl, not Evan. I hope he doesn't tell anybody about what happened, and I promise to myself that I won't tell anybody either. We were just tired. Maybe it didn't even happen at all– maybe it was just a weird dream that I had. Yes, that is what I will try to convince myself. There's nothing between us. Nothing at all.
The next morning when we get up for class, Evan and I don't look at each other. At breakfast, Joseph remarks that we both look tired. Evan looks down at his toast, and I say that I couldn't sleep. Clarence, John, and Joseph exchange glances, but don't say anything else, and the rest of the day passes uneventfully.
For the rest of the semester, Evan and I don't say anything about what happened that night. I end up staying at the manor for Christmas. Lucius tries to get me to get rid of my earrings, but finally gives in and lets me keep them after I stand up for myself for the first time ever. He ends up saying that I can keep them as long as I take them out for his wedding. I think that's very reasonable, and agree to the terms. When I get back from Christmas break, my friends and I really amp up our studying for O.W.L's. I watch all the Quidditch matches with Clarence and John while Evan plays as Keeper and Joseph plays as one of the Beaters, and we continue on as normal. The day before Easter Break starts, Evan approaches me.
"Hey, I was wondering…" he says, looking down, "I was wondering if you wanted to come to my place for Easter. You know, in case you didn't have other plans already. It's okay if you can't! It was just an idea!"
"I'm sorry, I have to go to Lucius' for his wedding. Remember? I would have loved to hang out with you over break, though!" I say sadly.
"Oh, right! I forgot! That's okay! No worries! I'll see you there, since my family's invited! You're not going to stay there after the wedding, though, right? Ask Lucius if you can come to my place after the reception! He'll want to hang out with Narcissa on their honeymoon, so I'm sure he won't mind!"
"You're right!" I smile, "Can I use your owl to ask him today after classes are over?"
"Of course!"
"Cool," I say, feeling awkward, "well, we should probably get to class! You coming?" And I turn around.
"Yeah!" he says, and gives me a brief, one-armed hug before following after me.
