April 14th, 1976
"Lucius, I don't know if I should have anything to drink tonight," I sigh as he pours two generous helpings of red wine. Lucius picked me up from King's Cross a few hours ago for Easter break. I took a nice, warm shower when I got to the manor, then went downstairs to hang out with Lucius in the living room. The wedding is just a couple days away, then I'll be spending the rest of break with Evan at his house.
"Relax, it's just wine! You can't get drunk off wine the same way you get drunk from vodka or beer, remember, Severus? Wine just makes you calm and happy!" he says nonchalantly, putting the glass into my unprotesting hands. I can't refuse him, anyways, and he knows it. He swirls his wine once or twice, then takes a sip, looking into the fire.
I take a sip of my wine. It's not bad, but it tastes strong, and I haven't had wine since the summer.
Lucius remarks, "I chose another sweet one for you, just like last summer. I know you like sweet things."
I smile, meet Lucius' eyes, and say, "Thanks, Lucius. It's nice."
"You are most certainly welcome, Severus!" he says with one of his condescending smiles that makes me feel like trash, and starts talking about something boring.
I let him talk, agreeing in the right places, but mostly I focus on the fire, and let my thoughts wander. I drink the wine, and find that the more I drink, the more I like it. Feeling hot, I take off my sweater. As I remove my sweater, my hair gets pulled back, revealing my piercings.
"I thought I told you to take those out for the wedding, Severus," Lucius says through a very forced, cold smile.
"I will! I promise! I'll take them out the day of! I don't want them to close up if I take them out too early!" I exclaim, nervously covering my ears back up with my hair.
"I still think they look trashy. You should have asked me before getting them done."
I just shrug and take another sip of my wine.
"Ah well, I'm sure you'll grow out of it someday and take them out on your own."
"Maybe. I like them, though."
"Well, that makes one of us."
I shrug again, down the rest of the wine in my glass, and stare into the fire as Lucius begins talking about his work.
To my surprise, Lucius takes my glass from my hand and refills it.
"Thanks!" I smile.
"My pleasure," he drawls.
After some time, I am snapped out of my thoughts as Lucius puts a strong arm around my shoulder and declares, "I'm glad to see you're enjoying yourself and that you like the wine."
"Yeah, it's good! It makes me feel all fuzzy inside," I giggle, feeling much less nervous and tense than before, and relax into Lucius' embrace as he undoes the first button on my shirt, "do you feel fuzzy yet?"
"No, not yet! But I have more experience than you do. Why don't you eat a few crackers?" Lucius smiles.
Any other time, I would have told him that I wasn't hungry, but now I happily put a piece of cheese and a cracker into my mouth.
"Would you like some more wine?" he asks innocently.
"Uh huh!" I say as he undoes the next button on my shirt. My blood feels like fire in my veins, and my brain feels like it's sitting in a cloud. Feeling too warm, I undo the rest of my buttons.
I don't know how many glasses of wine I've had, but I feel great. I don't know how many crackers I've eaten, but I'm having the time of my life. Lucius is tickling me, and I can't stop laughing. I giggle nervously when he pins me to the floor and strokes down my stomach to my belt.
"You're so small," he murmurs into my neck, long platinum hair tickling my face, "So small, and fragile, and easy to control." I feel the wind from the swish of his wand, and a shiver runs down my spine as my wrists are pinned to the floor by my head. Long fingers work on undoing my belt and unzipping my pants.
"Stop!" I exclaim. My scared voice sounds quiet, and little, and powerless.
Lucius pulls my pants and boxers off, and I pull my knees up to protect myself. He pushes them apart as easily as if I were a cheap doll, and sneers, "I'm going to have a bit of fun with you tonight, Severus, and you're going to earn those piercings you got without my permission. If I let you go, will you behave?"
"Lucius, please! Please don't!" I whimper as tears begin to pop into my eyes, "'M sorry! I'll take 'em out!" My words are starting to slur, and my muscles feel weak from all the wine I've drunk.
"I asked you a question," he snarls, and slaps my face just hard enough to hurt, but not hard enough to bruise, "and I expect an answer! If I let you go, will you behave?!"
I turn my head away as a tear rolls down my cheek.
"Well?!" he yells, raising his hand to strike me again.
I flinch underneath him, and my voice trembles as I whisper, "Yes, sir."
"Good boy," he purrs, and as he swishes his wand, my wrists are released. I don't move. He casts Scourgify, and I wince as my clean body stings. Lucius sneers, grabs my waist, roughly flips me over onto my stomach, and drags my hips back and my knees underneath me.
"Please, Lucius," I beg in a last attempt to make him stop.
"Shut your whore mouth," he growls, kneeling behind me, grabbing my hair, and shoving my face into the floor like I'm a dog that's been naughty, "You shouldn't have gotten them done in the first place! You deserve this! And you owe it to me to let me do whatever I want! Without me, you are nothing!" He lets go of my hair and pulls his pants down to his knees, then takes a vial from his pocket and pours the contents out onto his erection.
I bite my lip and try my hardest not to struggle as he digs his cold fingers into my hips and takes what he wants.
After what feels like forever, he finishes, shoves me to the floor on my side, pulls his pants back up, and casts Scourgify again. Seeing the quiet tears streaming down my face, he drawls, "Now really, Severus, there's no need for tears. I've done so much for you, the very least you can do is just lay there and take it with out being such a crybaby! And with how defiant you've been about those trashy piercings, you're lucky I wasn't too rough with you!"
I try to take a deep breath and calm myself down, but I am sore, and I am drunk, and I just can't stop the tears dripping down my cheeks. I guess Dolohov was right. I guess I am just a little whore. I can't even leave because there's nowhere else for me to go. This is my home now, and I belong to Lucius, especially now that he has custody. Maybe he's right. Maybe I am lucky he wasn't too rough with me, though I am in a bit of pain. But still, this wasn't how I imagined losing my virginity would be like. I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't this. I thought sex was supposed to be fun. I thought it was supposed to feel good. I remember my mother telling me to make sure I give back to Lucius, and I wonder if she ever thought, or ever cared, that this is what giving back might turn into.
Shaking his head, Lucius grabs my pants from the floor, picks me up, and carries me upstairs to my bedroom. He throws my pants in a pile at the foot of my bed, and holds me tight as I sob into his shoulder. Lucius strokes my hair as if I am a well-groomed pomeranian, murmuring, "Shh, it's alright. I did get you very drunk, so I can't be too angry with you for crying or for protesting. You're such a good little pet, but I don't know. I suppose I didn't think you would be this distraught. Maybe I should have drugged your wine like I did those few times over the summer, but it's just not the same that way. It was much more fun while you were fully awake."
Horrified, I start to struggle in his arms, trying to get out.
Lucius tightens his grip on me, "Be still!" he commands, and, frightened, I stop moving, "It's alright, though, I'm getting married in a couple of days, anyways, so this will have to stop. Still, I think it's best if you don't remember any of this tomorrow. I like you best when you're trusting, and obedient, and naïve, and I don't need any trouble from the boy who killed his own parents," he chuckles. I flinch as he presses the tip of his wand to my temple, and the last thing I hear before everything goes black is, "Don't ever forget, Severus, you're mine. You belong to me. Obliviate!"
I wake up in the morning to Lucius sitting down on my bed. My head gives a painful twinge, and I nuzzle my face into my rabbit plushie, covering my eyes from the bright light.
"Good morning! How are you feeling?" he asks.
"Mmm," I groan.
Lucius chuckles, and says, "It's time to get up. Go ahead and take a shower and come downstairs for breakfast, alright?"
"Mm hmm," I mumble. Eyes still closed, I reach out for my water bottle, and Lucius hands it to me. I sit up, drink a bit of the water, then, feeling a bit better, I open my eyes and look blearily at Lucius, "What time is it?"
"It's about eight o'clock. How did you sleep?"
I shrug, and drink a bit more water, "Okay, I guess. I think I had a bad dream, but I don't remember. My head hurts real bad."
"Your head hurts? You did get pretty drunk last night. That water should help. Go ahead and take a nice warm shower, get dressed in something decent, and come downstairs for breakfast, alright? And Severus?"
"Mmm?" I mumble through my waterbottle.
"You're going to eat what you're given today. I think you've lost weight since Christmas. You're looking awfully bony."
Even though the covers are bunched around my waist, I'm suddenly very conscious of how naked I am. I must have gotten warm from the wine and taken my clothes off some time during the night, but I don't remember doing so. I guess it's just like those few times over the summer when I woke up naked after Lucius gave me that dry-tasting wine the night before. I shiver, put my water bottle down, and cover my chest and shoulders back up with my blankets, "Yes, Lucius," I murmur, looking down.
"Good boy," he purrs, and ruffles my hair before he gets up, "I'll see you downstairs in 30 to 45 minutes."
After he leaves my bedroom and closes the door, I sit in bed for a few minutes, drinking my water and mentally going through yesterday's events: Lucius picked me up from the station, I took a shower, we played chess, then we talked about his wedding plans for Saturday. I had a few glasses of wine, ate a couple crackers, and then my memory ends. Hard as I try, I can't remember what happened. I must have fallen asleep at some point. Maybe Lucius carried me to my room like he did over the summer? I hope so. I always liked that. It made me feel special and cared-for. Like I mattered. Like I was loved. Upon forcing myself to get up, I notice how sore I am through my lower back. I shake out my legs and try to crack my back, but it doesn't help. Looking at myself in the mirror, I'm disgusted. My hair is a mess, my eyes look a bit red, and I have a couple of new bruises on my hips and knees. I must have gotten really drunk last night to look so sloppy this morning! Rubbing my temples, I throw my clothes from yesterday in the hamper, take a shower, and get ready to go try on my suit for Lucius' wedding. Before I go downstairs for breakfast, I splash my face with cold water like my father used to do when he had to go to work after a night of drinking. It doesn't really make me feel much better, but I guess that's just the way things are.
After picking up my suit for the wedding from Diagon Alley, Lucius makes me go upstairs with him and try it on one more time to make sure it looks alright, since nothing can look bad at Lucius' wedding. I take off my cloak, green sweater with the snake on the front, and child-sized black pants– too short now, but somehow they still fit the rest of me, and I put on the suit.
"Merlin, Severus! Your little body is so disproportionate! Your torso is so ridiculously short and your legs are so skinny and long, you look like a little spider," Lucius drawls from his armchair.
I pause, button my suit pants, meet his eyes in the mirror, then, embarrassed, I look at the floor and mutter, "Why do you say stuff like that about me? If I'm so ugly, then why bother talking to me at all?"
"You are not ugly, Severus, don't be absurd! Why would you say that?"
Heart beating fast, I respond quietly, "You just said I look like a spider! I know I'm ugly! I know nobody will ever love me like Narcissa loves you, and that nobody will ever want me 'cause I'm stupid and I'm a failure and I'm ugly and and and and-" my breath hitches as tears start welling up in my eyes.
"Oh, Severus, what do I have to do to make you see sense? You look exotic, not ugly with those big, black eyes and thick, soft, silky dark hair! It's not every day you come across somebody with your features!" he says, standing up, walking over to me, and wiping a few tears off my cheeks.
"What about my nose? It's hooked, and I hate it!" I sniffle, looking in the mirror.
"Well, it has been broken a couple of times, hasn't it? And besides, your mother and uncle have Italian heritage, so it's not surprising you inherited that Roman nose like your uncle has, right?"
"I guess."
"You didn't get the waves, though," he says, stroking my hair.
"My dad's hair was always straight, like mine."
"Where was he from?"
"Edinburgh, but he moved to Cokeworth to work in the steel mill just a year before him and my mum met, I think. My grandpa worked in the coal mines in Edinburgh, but he died a couple years after I was born when a mine caved in, so I don't remember him."
"Did you ever get to meet your grandmother?"
"She died from lung cancer when I was real little, before the steel mill closed, but I got to meet her a few times. She was real nice. She made me my baby blanket! But anyways, you said I look like a spider!" I say, trying not to let him distract me from my argument.
Lucius laughs, and says, "Because you do! You never eat enough, so your legs have grown, but the rest of your body hasn't! And when you hunch like that, it makes your torso look even shorter than it already is! I am simply trying to help you, Severus. If you aren't told that you need to stand up straighter, you never will," but that wasn't what he had said originally, was it? I can't remember, "We need to get you a nice, well-bred girl."
The image of Evan in his tight gray t-shirt pops into my head, and embarrassed, I look down.
"Well? Have you met anybody at school that you like?"
I shake my head.
"I'm sure there are plenty of pretty girls in Potion's Club! Why don't you ask one of them out?"
"Maybe," I shrug my shoulders and hug myself, "but nobody would want to go out with me, so there's no point."
"There you go again— stop being silly! I'm sure plenty of girls would be thrilled if you asked them out! You're brave! Next time you go to Potion's Club, just pick one and ask her out! You could take her to The Three Broomsticks next time you go to Hogsmeade! I know you have some money from selling those potions over the summer, right?"
I shrug again, and say, "I do have some money saved up, but I don't know. It's getting close to exams, so I don't want to get distracted. Anyways, do I look okay?" I ask, trying my best to change the subject.
Lucius nods, "Perhaps you're right. You can ask somebody out after O.W.L's, or next year. I think I asked Narcissa out in my fifth year, but our families expected us to get together, so it wasn't difficult. And you look fine, but you need to stand up a bit straighter! I suppose the suit fits you as well as anything could. Now, take that off and hang it up nicely. Once you're dressed, we'll go down to the kitchen to get something to eat. You need to try to gain some weight– you're so stringy!"
I look up and down my body as I take the suit off again. As I pull my jeans back on, I notice the weird bruises on my hips and knees again, "How drunk did I get last night?" I ask, pointing to the bruises around my hips.
Lucius smirks at me, "I believe I may have slightly overestimated your drinking abilities."
"What are these from?"
"You got a little clumsy. I'm used to drinking with Rodolphus, Oliver, and my other friends who are around my age, so I suppose I just assumed you would be fine. I apologize," he sneers, not seeming sorry at all, "Would you like to get something to eat? You only ate about half of your breakfast this morning."
"I'm not hungry, I don't want anything. I have some stuff to do," I mutter.
"You are hungry, you do want something, and you don't have anything to do. Don't lie to me, Severus," with those words, he walks to the door, opens it, and waits for me to follow.
