May 15th, 1976
It was my fault for being alone– like they said, they hate me because I exist, nothing more. If I had just stayed with Evan, Joseph, Clarence, and John, then they wouldn't have picked on me in the first place, and Lily wouldn't have tried to save me, and and and and...
I am sitting alone, looking back at my notes, and suddenly I hear them. I draw my wand, but it is too late. Two against one isn't fair! They're hurting me, but there's nothing I can do, and I don't want Lily's help! I don't WANT her to see me like this! I want her to go away, and I just can't help it— the words just slip out, "MUDBLOOD!" and I know she's hurt, but there's nothing I can do now. I feel the Levicorpus spell– my own spell I invented– break, and I fall to the ground as Evan hexes Potter. While Joseph fights Black, and John fights Pettigrew, I have time to find my wand and shoot a hex at Lupin. Now that Lily is gone, I don't care anymore. I will use whatever magic I have to fight them, and I know my friends will do the same. By the time the professors come to break it up, Potter's cheeks are gushing blood from my Sectumsempra curse, Black can't stop his legs from dancing underneath him, Pettigrew is out cold, and Lupin's teeth have grown past his collarbone. Joseph's nose is bleeding badly, John is on the ground in Petrificus Totalis, Evan is belching up slugs, and I still can't stop throwing up soap.
As we sit in Dumbledore's office, I feel the disappointment in all the professors' eyes, and I know that my friends feel it too. They're comparing our fight to what is going on now between the supporters of The Dark Lord and the rest of us. They say they can't understand how four respectable Gryffindors, one of whom a prefect, could have started something as vicious as this, and they are ashamed of us Slytherins for perpetuating such violence. I already told them that I was just minding my own business and they started it, but I know they don't believe me. They never believe anything bad about their precious little Gryffindors. All the parents have been summoned as well, and I can tell that the opposing sides are just about ready to go for each other's throats. Black's parents did not come– Regulus, pulling Clarence along with him, told me as we were frogmarched to the headmaster's office that his mother was probably going to burn Sirius' name off the tapestry. At least Clarence had been talking to a professor at the time, so he's not in trouble.
"Professor, I still don't understand why we're getting in trouble for protecting our friend! They had him dangling upside-down and were threatening to take his pants off! What were we supposed to do?" Joseph says, making a strong attempt to remain civil.
"I, too, am at a loss to understand, Dumbledore," spits John's father, making no attempt at politeness, "our boys have said that they were coming to Severus' aid because these boys were attacking him!" he shoots daggers through his eyes at the Gryffindors.
"It is the nature of the fight that has me concerned," says Dumbledore waspishly, "and the amount of dark magic your boys used is absolutely grounds to expel."
"No!" I cry, "You can't expel us! We just did our O.W.L's, and we're all good students! It wasn't our fault! We were protecting ourselves! I was minding my own business, and they started it, and—" to my astonishment, Lucius smiles at Dumbledore, and squeezes my arm behind my back to shut me up.
"Now, Severus, I am deeply disappointed in you, that you would use dark magic at all is shocking! Especially against your classmates. I don't know where you learned those spells, but it's not acceptable to use them against anybody," and he looks down his nose at Potter, "even little boys who fancy themselves vigilantes. You are all good students, so one mistake, I'm sure, will be forgiven. I am certain Professor Dumbledore will make the right decision in regards to you all."
John's, Joseph's, and Evan's parents all agree with Lucius. From across the room, the Gryffindors look at us smugly. I glare at them, imagining how nice it would be if something happened to them this summer and they couldn't come back to school. What if they died? No, they deserve to suffer. It'd be really cool if they both lost their arms in a tragic accident, and couldn't hold their wands anymore. Or maybe they could get run over by a truck and get their backs broken, so they'd be paralyzed for the rest of their lives. That would be so beautiful. Eventually, Dumbledore, Slughorn, and McGonagall agree to suspend my friends and me for a week, and the Gryffindors are given detention every day after classes for a week. The reason they aren't being suspended as well is because they didn't use any dark magic. When Joseph's father throws a mutinous look at Dumbledore, Dumbledore responds by telling us that we won't be missing much, since our exams are already over.
When we get out, we all get taken out for supper. The parents and Lucius all tell us how proud they are of us for sticking together and defending our standing in school.
I pull on Lucius' sleeve when there is a lull in the conversation, and the families are talking amongst themselves, "Why did you say you were disappointed in me? It wasn't my fault! I was minding my own business, and Potter and Black attacked me out of nowhere!"
"If I hadn't said that, do you think Dumbledore would have let you off so easily?" he growls under his breath, "Sometimes your immaturity amazes me. If I had said right there how proud I was of you and your friends, I would no longer have custody of you, and you and your little friends would be expelled. Don't you understand the precarious situation you were in? I know it wasn't your fault, and I am extremely proud of you. You did well to defend yourself by whatever means necessary. You'll do well in the future plans I have lined up for you."
My heart twinges as I think of Lily, but then I feel angry again that she tried to get in the way, and that she thought I was so weak that I couldn't defend myself, "What plans?" I ask.
"Don't worry about it," he responds tersely, "and by the way, did I not specifically tell you to stop going off on your own and making yourself a target? See what happens when you disobey me? You get yourself into trouble!"
"I'm sorry! I got distracted! And I was tired from studying and taking my test, and—"
"You should have waited for your friends. I'm not going to argue about this with you. I want you to promise me you're going to stop going off on your own, and make sure you stick with your friends from now on."
Already knowing that I'm going to need to sneak off and try to talk to Lily when I get back to school, I take a deep breath, and say, "Yes, Lucius. I promise."
"And when we get home, you're taking a shower. Your hair looks horrendous. When was the last time you washed it?"
"I'm sorry!" I sniff, feeling tears coming to my eyes. Evan meets my eyes from across the table, and I look away, "I didn't have time the last couple days 'cause I've been studying so hard! Every night I've been going to bed super late because I don't want to forget anything! And—"
Lucius rubs my back, and murmurs, "Shh, it's alright. I understand. O.W.L's are hard, and I know it's tough for you to remember things sometimes. You're so clever, it's easy for me to forget how many concussions you've had! Have you been taking your potion every month like you're supposed to?"
I nod, "Mm hmm."
"Good boy," he purrs, looks at my bowl, and opens his mouth to say something.
Before he can speak, I put a small spoonful of soup into my mouth and swallow.
He pats my back and turns to start talking to Evan's parents. Evan gives me a sad look from across the table, and I wish I was going home with him, not Lucius. All I want is to be able to talk to him about what happened today, and I know I shouldn't, but I want him to wrap me up in his arms and hold me close like he did those few nights after Lucius' wedding. He's always sympathetic. He always knows what to say to make me feel better, and his hugs always make me feel safe. But it's fine. Lucius has always taken care of me. Lucius has always given me nice things and made sure I was getting good grades and taking my potions like I'm supposed to. Instead of wanting to go somewhere else, I should be grateful his manor is my home now. After all, I'm just poor trash. A failure. Ugly. Skinny and nasty and the reason everything is wrong. I put down my spoon, stare at a spot on the table, take a deep breath, and let my mind go blank.
After our week-long suspension is over, and we all show up back in class, the other students begin whispering. In the classes we have with the Gryffindors, the professors make sure to separate us from Potter, Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew as much as possible. They sit Potter and me on completely opposite sides of the room on the diagonal. They sit him in front and me in the back. It's hard to focus because it feels like everybody is judging me, even the professors, so it's nice when the semester ends. Hopefully Narcissa and I can hang out a lot so I don't have to spend any time with Yaxley and Dolohov this summer.
