August 17th, 1976
One night, towards the end of summer break, Narcissa comes home early from spending the day with Bellatrix before Yaxley has left. Ecstatic to have been given a reason to get away from Yaxley, I spring up from the couch to go say hi, but I stumble from the wine Lucius gave me to calm me down. Narcissa's smile slips.
She walks briskly over to me, and says, "Come on, I think you need to go to bed. Let's go!"
"We're almost done here. He can stay," Lucius says, smiling at her.
Narcissa hesitates for a second, then sits down next to Yaxley, and pulls me down to sit on her other side.
I nervously hug my knees to my chest, and whisper to Narcissa, "Can I go get some water?"
"Of course! You live here! You don't need to ask if you can get a drink! While you're in the kitchen, button your shirt back up," she says.
I thank her, and slowly stand and walk to the kitchen to get some water. I know Lucius will be mad if I take too long coming back, so I put water in a glass and hasten back to the living room.
On my way back, I stumble over my own feet, and drop the glass. The noise seems deafening, and reminds me of when my dad would throw empty bottles of alcohol in his anger. The living room goes quiet, and I start backing away from the shattered glass. I stumble, and grab the wall as Lucius comes into the hallway looking livid.
"What is wrong with you?! Why did you break that glass?!" he whisper-yells at me, cleaning it up with a swish of his wand.
"I didn't mean to!" my voice cracks, "I tripped and it fell!"
Lucius shakes his head, and grabs my arm, "Get back in here and sit down."
"But I'm thirsty!" I whine. I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it. From the hallway, I hear Narcissa begin awkwardly asking Yaxley how his work has been going.
Lucius sighs, and pulls me back into the kitchen, gets out a new glass, fills it halfway with water, and hands it roughly to me.
I take it and chug all the water, then fill the glass up again.
"You always do a good job controlling yourself. You just need to be good for a little while longer, then you can go to bed, alright?" Lucius murmurs, and pats my back.
I nod, finish the rest of my water, and let Lucius lead me into the hallway and back into the room. After a few minutes, Yaxley stretches, careful not to touch Narcissa, and stands up. He says goodbye, and Lucius walks him to the door. While Lucius is gone, Narcissa fills up my water bottle and walks me upstairs.
"I wanted to ask Lucius if I could invite Evan over, but I wasn't good," I murmur sadly before she closes my bedroom door.
"You tripped and dropped a glass. It's happened to all of us. Don't worry about it! I'm sure he'll let you invite Evan over! I think it's a great idea! I like Evan. He's always been sweet and well-mannered, and he comes from such a good family," Narcissa says, "Anyways, goodnight! Tomorrow I'll trim your hair. You're getting some awful split ends, and I need to do Lucius' as well."
"Thanks, Cissa!" I smile.
That night, as I'm walking down the hallway to go refill my water bottle, I hear Lucius and Narcissa arguing in their bedroom. I try not to listen, but I can't help it.
"Lucius, we need to talk," Narcissa says seriously, "I don't know why Severus' shirt was half unbuttoned today, or why Corbin was taking his arm off Severus' shoulder as I walked in, but I'm concerned. You know what Corbin is like, and I want to make sure you're keeping Severus safe."
"I assure you, darling, nothing untowardly is going on. Severus got warm and unbuttoned his shirt for some air. That wine is a little strong for him— I should have given him less," Lucius drawls.
"I hope that's the truth. And remember, he's underweight, has had brain injuries, and doesn't turn 17 until January. Also, his father was an alcoholic, and those things tend to run in families. I really don't think he needs to be drinking at all! Severus really respects you, and you're his legal guardian. It's your duty to keep him safe, especially after what he's been through with his father."
"I am well aware, Narcissa, but you know what useful contacts Corbin and Antonin—"
"You're letting Antonin near him?!"
"Lower your voice! Yes, I'm letting Antonin near him. As I said before, nothing inappropriate is happening."
Narcissa sighs, and says, "Severus is just a boy, and he's already been through enough trauma to last him a lifetime. If you're going to make him spend any amount of time with those two, please at least don't leave him alone with them! You know what they're like."
"I don't leave him alone with Antonin."
"Don't leave him alone with Corbin, either. I don't know how his fiancé puts up with him. I suppose it's for the money. You know Andromeda was expected to marry him. I don't blame her for choosing somebody different."
"You don't blame her for pulling an Eileen Prince and running off with a poor muggle?" Lucius laughs nastily. I feel sick.
"That's not what I said! Of course she was wrong to get pregnant and run off with a filthy muggle, but in Andromeda's situation, I wouldn't have wanted to marry Corbin, either!"
"I understand. He can be a bit much. He's good at what he does, though. Very influential at the ministry, and he's right in the inner circle, too."
"I know he is, but…" Narcissa sighs, "Just promise me you're keeping Severus safe. Please."
"Of course I am! He hasn't died yet!" Lucius laughs. I wrap my arms around my chest and hug myself tight.
"Very funny. You know what I mean!" Narcissa says seriously, "From what I've heard, Antonin enjoys causing pain way too much, and Corbin, well, Corbin's always been a bit scary, hasn't he? I remember he used to try to look up our skirts when our parents would have dinner parties, and that's when we were all kids! And I almost forgot— do you remember Corbin's older brother, Cole?"
"Of course! He was something else!" Lucius laughs.
"I remember one of the last times I saw Eileen, she was talking to Andromeda about how she was expected to marry Cole, but that she was a little afraid of him. Andromeda didn't like Corbin, either, so they had a lot to talk about."
"I had forgotten how close the Blacks and Prince's are! I was surprised Elliot wasn't set up with Andromeda, actually."
"The Yaxleys were getting more powerful, and our families wanted to be closer to them. Anyways, I'm going to go ahead and get ready for bed. Severus said he wants to ask you if he can invite Evan over, but he doesn't think you'll let him because he accidentally broke that glass today. I told him it's happened to all of us, and that I didn't think you would object to Evan coming over just because of a broken glass. It's your call, but I just thought I ought to let you know."
"I'm glad he's friends with Evan. That's a good, old family. Evan's a good influence for Severus. He's got his head on straight."
I blush, remembering how Evan kissed me last year. Suddenly, I remember I'm supposed to be going to get water, and, feeling guilty for eavesdropping, I quietly finish my errand and get back into bed. I don't know how I feel about Lucius lying to Narcissa. I guess he didn't lie that much. It could be a lot worse, and it doesn't happen very often. Just a few times last summer and a couple times this summer. Still, someday I hope I have a chance to at least get back at Dolohov for last summer. I still haven't forgotten what he said and did to me, and how scared I was. But no, I shouldn't think about it. Thinking about it can't help me. It'll just give me bad dreams. I should think about something else. Anything else. I wonder how Lily's parents are doing? Is Lady still alive? I haven't seen them in a couple of years now. I don't think I'll ever have a chance to see them again now that Lily and I aren't friends anymore. Maybe I should write them a letter to let them know I miss them and that I appreciate everything they did for me when I was a kid. No, they probably hate me now for what I said to Lily. A knot in my stomach twists as I imagine Mr. and Mrs. Evans' angry faces. Frustrated, and feeling guilty, I dig in my bedside table for one of the vials of Draught of Dreamless Sleep I made last week. I pop the cap off, and drink it in two gulps. I did a good job making this batch taste a bit fruitier than last time, but it still tastes dry without being able to add anything to sweeten it. As my muscles relax and my eyes start to close, I remember the few times last summer that Lucius gave me dry wine as his friends were all leaving. The dry wines always seemed stronger than the sweet ones. They always seemed to put me to sleep really quickly. I wonder if you can put Draught of Dreamless Sleep into wine? I yawn, and when I open my eyes, it's the next morning. I know I was thinking about something before I fell asleep, but I don't remember what it was. I must have been thinking about asking Lucius if I can invite Evan over! Excited, I jump up, brush my teeth and wash my face, throw on some pants and a shirt, and run downstairs for breakfast.
When I'm done eating, and Lucius is reading his newspaper, I take a deep breath and nervously push my hair behind my ears, "Lucius?" I ask.
He looks over The Daily Prophet, and says, "Yes?"
"I was just wondering if—"
He smiles, and says, "Narcissa told me you wanted to invite Evan over. I don't see why that should be a problem! You only have a couple of weeks left of summer, though, so I'm not sure if he'll be able to. I have to go to the ministry today for work, so I'll just ask his father while I'm there."
"Really? Thank you so much!" I exclaim, "Can I be done now?"
"Take five bites of your porridge, then you can go. You've hardly touched it."
I glance at Narcissa, looking for backup, but she laughs, and says "Eat your food, Severus! If you don't like it, we can have Dobby remake it!"
"No, I like it, I'm just full," I mumble. I don't like it, but I don't want to get Dobby in trouble. And anyways, it's gotten more and more difficult over the years for me to eat around Lucius. I slowly finish my five bites of porridge, and ask, "Can I be done now?"
"Yes. I don't understand why getting you to eat always has to be such an ordeal. How old are you? 16? When I was your age, all I wanted was food. Well, food and other things," he chuckles, and winks at Narcissa, "But here you are still the size of a 12 year old!"
Uncomfortable, I shrug my shoulders.
"Your voice hasn't changed much either."
I shrug again.
"I don't think you've started getting facial hair, have you?"
"Mm mm," I shake my head, "Just peach fuzz."
"Well, if you'd eat, maybe those things would happen."
I shrug again, and stir the rest of my porridge.
Lucius sighs, folds his paper, stands up, and pushes his chair in. I pick up the dishes and bring them to the kitchen sink where Dobby is standing on a tall stool and washing up.
"Master Severus didn't finish his porridge!" Dobby squeaks, "Did Master Severus not like it?"
"No, Dobby, it was great! Sorry I couldn't finish, I just— I just had a stomach ache."
"Does Master Severus want a potion for his stomach ache?"
"No thanks, it's okay. I reckon I just need to drink more water. Anyways, do you want any help with those dishes?" I ask quietly.
"No thank you, Master Severus!" Dobby whispers, "Master Malfoy would think Dobby asked for help, sir, and he would be so angry!"
"I understand. I'm sorry. I don't want you to get in trouble," I whisper back, and leave the kitchen.
While Lucius works in his study, I do some laundry, and Narcissa trims my hair. After she's done, she tells me she has something she wants to show me, and pulls a photo album out from the coffee table. She sits next to me, opens the album up, and flips to a page where I see a familiar face smiling up at me.
"That's your mum," Narcissa says quietly, pointing at the girl in the photos, "and that's me when I was a baby. Our families were close. We were always hanging out with her and Elliot. She and Andromeda used to sing together, and Elliot would play the piano. I think she was around 11 or 12 here."
In the photos, my mum has her long, wavy black hair in ringlets. The top half is held back by a pale pink velvet ribbon. The Eileen in the picture smiles and kisses baby Narcissa's head, while a one year old Bellatrix looks over her shoulder, and a girl who I assume to be Andromeda whispers something into Bellatrix's ear. She giggles, and blows a kiss at the camera. Narcissa flips more pages, and stops at a page where a boy who I assume to be my Uncle Elliot, my mum, Narcissa, and her sisters are posing in a garden. Elliot is standing behind my mum and Andromeda. My mum has toddler Bellatrix on her lap, and Andromeda has toddler Narcissa on hers. They're all wearing very pretty dresses, and their hair is all curled. Toddler Narcissa waves at the camera. Narcissa waits for me to speak. When I don't, she flips some more pages, until she comes to one with a picture of my mum and Andromeda standing by a piano. Elliot is sitting on the piano bench. My mum is holding her arms across her stomach. She looks paler and thinner than she had in the previous pictures, and she has a few pimples on her face.
"I think she must have been 17 here, since I don't have any more pictures with her," Narcissa says quietly, "She had been throwing up, so they had to take the picture quickly."
I look at my mum's stomach. I wonder how far along she was. She smiles up at me, but her smile is hollow. As I look into my mum's eyes, a lump forms in my throat. I swallow, but the lump in my throat doesn't go away, "Thanks, Cissa," I mumble.
Narcissa pats my back, and says, "I'll leave the album here. I'm sure there's more of her in there if you look." She sets the album down on the coffee table, stands up, grabs a book, and sits back down in an armchair. I look through the album for a bit, then, feeling sad, I close it and go to the kitchen. I make myself a sandwich, and eat it as quickly as possible. Then, because I'm still hungry, and because I do want to get taller, I eat some chips, and an apple.
"Master Severus? What is you doing in the kitchen?" Dobby squeaks, "Dobby is about to make lunch! Master Severus is going to ruin his appetite!"
Embarrassed, I say, "I'm sorry, I was just so hungry, and I just—"
"Does Master Severus not like Dobby's cooking? He is never finishing his food, sir!"
"No, Dobby! Your cooking is amazing! I'm just nervous to eat a lot. I was so hungry, so I thought I could eat something small before lunch, then I wouldn't have to eat a lot at lunch with Lucius, but then I kinda just lost control."
"Is Master Malfoy scaring Master Severus?" Dobby whispers.
"A bit," I whisper back, "I just don't want him to not like me anymore, 'cause if he kicks me out, I have nowhere to go. I guess I could live alone at my old house, but I'd have to drop out of school and work at the car factory or be a waiter or something to survive! It's better to be here, even though I'm kinda lonely and I don't like it when Lucius' friends come over. Yaxley and Dolohov are really scary, and I hate that Lucius lets them— well, nevermind," I whisper, embarrassed.
"Master Severus is very brave, sir. Those men shouldn't—" just then, Dobby starts hitting himself over the head, yelling, "Bad Dobby!"
"It's okay!" I say, trying to stop him, "Don't! You'll hurt yourself!"
"But Dobby had to punish himself, sir!" Dobby says, hitting himself one last time.
"You shouldn't—" I start to say, but stop as I hear Lucius' footsteps in the hallway.
"If he's done something wrong, it's only right he should punish himself, Severus, don't mind him," Lucius drawls, striding into the room, "Honestly, I don't know why you care. He's just a house-elf."
I look at the floor, and don't answer.
"I'll be going to the ministry after lunch. I was going to go beforehand, but I want to make sure you eat. I don't trust you to eat on your own. I'll ask Mr. Rosier about Evan coming to visit while I'm there. What are you planning on doing while I'm out?"
"I already did a bunch of laundry, and Narcissa trimmed my hair. I worked on some potions yesterday, so I don't know. I guess I'll take a walk and feed the peacocks or something. And I did eat! I just had something now! I had a sandwich, and an apple, and some chips! See?" I exclaim, showing him the plate with crumbs on it and the apple core.
Lucius frowns, and snarls, "Dobby? Make us lunch. Severus? You're coming with me." He grabs my arm and forces me in front of him, "Walk. We're going to the living room while we wait for lunch to have a chat."
I hold my arms across my stomach as I walk. I don't understand what I did to make him mad.
When we get to the living room, Lucius points sharply to the floor by the fireplace next to his armchair and says, "Sit."
I sit, holding my knees to my chest.
Lucius throws himself angrily into his armchair, and glaring at me, says in his softest, most displeased voice, "If you're going to lie about not being hungry and refuse to eat at mealtimes, then pilfer food from the kitchen on your own, we're going to have some problems. You don't want that, do you?"
I shake my head, looking at the floor.
"I asked you a question, and I expect an answer. You don't want us to have problems, do you?" he snarls.
"No, sir," my voice trembles as I answer.
"I don't have room for dishonesty in my life. Do you understand?"
"Yes, sir," I whisper, "Please don't be mad at me! I'm sorry!"
Lucius gazes at me for a second, then says slowly, "Why did you eat right before lunch?"
"I got hungry! I was gonna eat at lunch, too!"
"Were you, now?" his lip curls as he sneers at me.
I look back at the floor as Narcissa gets up and starts walking over.
"Well then, I hope you're still hungry for lunch. There's no reason to eat before meals just so you can refuse to eat what's on your plate when we sit down at the table. If you just ate your food at mealtimes, you wouldn't be so hungry in between!"
I look up to respond, but Narcissa puts a hand on Lucius' shoulder and says, "I'm sure Severus will eat his lunch. Like you said at breakfast, when you were 16, all you wanted was food! Isn't it a good thing for him to eat if he's hungry?"
"Yes, but he doesn't get to eat outside of mealtimes if he's not even eating what's on his plate," Lucius says irritably.
"Of course not, dear. Why don't I trim your hair before lunch? Severus can tell us about some of the potions he's working on!" she smiles at me, and says, "Didn't you say you were working on making some of the seventh-year potions stronger?"
I take a deep breath, grateful that she changed the subject, and say yes. Thankfully, Lucius agrees to letting her trim his hair, and they both seem impressed when I tell them about one of the new poisons I'm working on.
Once Dobby sets out lunch, Lucius finishes his food quickly, and before he leaves for the ministry, he asks Narcissa to make sure I finish what's on my plate before leaving the table.
After she agrees, I say, "Are you still gonna ask—"
"Are you still going to ask," Lucius interrupts.
"Are you still going to ask Mr. Rosier if Evan can come over?" I ask quietly, picking at my salad.
"I will ask him, but if I get home to find you still at this table with a plate full of unfinished food, then I will have to rescind the offer. Do you understand?"
"Yes, Lucius," I nod, looking down at my still-full plate, "Please don't be mad at me! I've been good all summer!"
Lucius ignores me, kisses Narcissa, and says, "Have a good rest of your day, darling. I'll be back before dinner."
After he's left, I push my plate away and bury my head in my arms.
Narcissa comes over to give me a brief hug, "It's alright. He just wants to make sure you're eating enough. You know that, right?" she says soothingly, and I'm reminded of my mother making excuses for my father.
I nod.
"And he's had a lot to deal with recently with work and other things."
I take a deep breath and clear my mind and any emotion off my face before saying, "I understand."
Narcissa gently pulls my plate back to me, and says, "Go on. You need to eat. Do you maybe want your Potions textbook to read while you eat?"
Keeping my face emotionless, I nod, and she has Dobby get it for me. After about an hour and a half, I've finished everything, and go to the lab to reorganize my potion vials for the fifth time this summer.
When Lucius gets home, he's in a much better mood. He gives me a long hug, tells me he's proud of me for finishing my lunch, and says that Evan will be coming over on Saturday, then he kisses Narcissa, and tells her that he has good news. When she asks what it is, he says he'll tell her later. Over dinner, Lucius tells me that if I eat at least half of my food, we can play cards. I don't want to make him mad, and I do want to play cards, so I eat half of my food, then put my silverware down. Lucius, who finished ages ago, looks over from his book, smiles at me, ruffles my hair, and tells me I did a good job. As we set out the cards, Lucius sips his wine.
"I think I was remembering something about wine last night before I fell asleep, but I don't remember what it was anymore," I muse.
"Hmm, I wonder what it could have been," Lucius smiles, and picks up his hand of cards, "Maybe which one you like best?"
"Maybe," I shrug.
"Well, there's no point thinking too much about it," he says, putting a hand on my shoulder, "I find that my thoughts and memories don't make much sense before I fall asleep, either."
"I guess," I say, looking at my cards. I've got lots of good ones, but I keep my face emotionless. It wouldn't do to give everything away before being sure of my victory.
