On Saturday, I wake up at seven o' clock, quickly brush my teeth and wash my face, throw my hair up and loop the ends under into a messy bun, put on some jeans and my dad's old sweater from the factory, and run downstairs to sit by the front windows and wait for Evan.
"Severus? Is that you making that racket?" Lucius calls from the dining room.
I sigh, tear myself away from the window, and traipse into the dining room, "Good morning," I mumble.
Lucius chuckles, and says, "Good morning! You look terrible! I thought we got rid of that hideous old sweater!"
"Mm mm, I like it," I mumble, "It's special."
"I'm not sure why you'd want to be reminded of your father, but to each his own, I suppose. Why don't you go fix your hair and take that awful old thing off, then you can come downstairs and eat breakfast, alright?"
Begrudgingly, I turn around and walk back upstairs to brush my hair and put on Evan's old turquoise sweater, then I stop back at the front windows briefly before going back to the dining room and sitting down in front of my food. I don't want to eat breakfast! I want to wait for Evan!
"You seem excited!" Lucius says.
"Mm hmm! I haven't seen Evan since we left for the summer!"
"I'm glad you two are such good friends. You know, I'm proud of how far you've come. You're ambitious. You make potions some of my friends have never even seen before, and even though you come from abject poverty, you're friends with important people."
I give him a slight smile, and say, "Thanks! I try."
"And you do a good job. I had a feeling you'd do well when I took you under my wing as a first-year, and now here you are. You've exceeded even my expectations."
I fidget uncomfortably in my seat as I'm reminded of Oliver calling me "Lucius' little project" last summer.
After a minute or so of awkward silence, Lucius asks, "So what are you planning on doing when Evan gets here?"
"We like to play cards. And chess. He's good at chess. We make bets on our games, too!"
"Nice! That sounds like fun. Good morning, darling!" Lucius says as Narcissa enters the dining room, "You look lovely today, like always."
"Thank you, love!" she smiles, and sits down in front of her plate. She has already done her hair and makeup. I wonder how early she has to get up to do all that.
"Good morning!" I chirp.
"Good morning!" she says, "Are you excited to see Evan today?"
"Uh huh! What are you doing today?"
"I'm going to volunteer at St. Mungo's for a few hours, then I'm going to come home and bake something nice. Lucius, what do you think you'd like?"
Lucius puts his coffee and newspaper down, and says, "I'm not sure, perhaps some of the chocolate chip cookies you make so well?"
"That's a good idea! Severus, what do you think you'd like?"
Knowing full well that my opinion won't matter anyways, I pick up my piece of toast, and say, "It doesn't matter to me! I like your cookies, too!"
"Cookies it is, then! If you and Evan aren't busy when I come home, would you like to help me bake?" Narcissa asks.
"Sure!" I like baking with Narcissa. She always lets me try some of the batter or have some of the cookie dough, and she doesn't tell Lucius.
Lucius picks his newspaper up again, and I tear a tiny little piece off my toast to eat. After I've eaten a quarter of my toast, I set it down and start cutting the fruit in my fruit salad into teeny tiny pieces.
At the noise, Lucius looks around his newspaper and sighs, "Are we really doing this today?"
I don't respond.
"I don't have time to sit at this table all day while you cut up your food and refuse to eat. Just put something in your mouth and eat it."
I consider ignoring him and continuing to cut up my food, but I don't want him to get mad at me, so I choose the smallest piece of fruit and put it into my mouth.
"Thank you," Lucius sneers, and goes back to reading his newspaper.
Now that he's not looking anymore, I consider going back to cutting up my food, but he'll hear the knife on the plate and get mad at me, so I pick up my toast and tear off another tiny piece to eat.
"You're doing a good job," Narcissa smiles at me, "Would you like some butter for your toast?"
I shake my head, and mutter, "No thank you. When will you be back to bake with us? Do you want me to set out the ingredients before you get home?"
"Sure! That'd be very helpful. I'll probably be home around one or two o'clock."
"Okay!" I say, and take a sip of my orange juice. If I keep talking, maybe Evan will come before I have a chance to eat my food, then I won't have to finish it, "What are you going to be doing at St. Mungo's today?"
"I'll be reading to the kids in the pediatrics unit!" she responds, and takes a drink of her coffee.
"Oh, cool! Do you get to see Healer Smithwick? She always did my checkups!"
"Yes! I'll say hello to her from you! Do you want to come with me to volunteer next weekend?"
I look at Lucius, and ask, "Can I?"
"You mean, may I," he says from behind his newspaper.
"May I? Please?"
"I don't see why not. I think that would be nice for you! Perhaps you could go to the lab there and help with making the potions for the patients?" he says.
"I can ask when I'm there today if you'd be able to do that! I think that's a great idea!" Narcissa exclaims.
"Thanks! I'd really like that. I'd love to work in the lab there or be a healer someday! St. Mungo's has helped me a lot. It'd be nice to give back to them someday," I say.
"I don't know if you want to work there. You'd be better off working at Slug and Jigger. I know the manager there. You'd be able to make more potions, and experiment more," Lucius says, looking at me from around his newspaper.
"I guess," I mumble, looking down at my plate, "I still would like to keep my options open, though."
Narcissa is looking at Lucius as if she wants to say something, but then she shakes her head and goes back to her food. I finish about half of my food while Lucius is reading his newspaper. When he puts it down and looks at my plate, I put my utensils down and ask, "Can I— may I be done now?"
"I suppose so, but you had better not be thinking of getting anything from the kitchen in between meals if you don't finish your food now," he says.
I shake my head, looking at my plate. I wish he had continued reading his newspaper for a few more minutes. I might have eaten a bit more, but it's okay.
"May I go wait for Evan?" I ask.
"If you'd like."
"I'll bet if he took his plate with him, he might be able to eat some more, Lucius. What do you think?" Narcissa says.
Lucius thinks for a second, then says, "Perhaps. Go ahead and bring your plate, but I don't want you making a mess, do you understand?"
"I'm not a little kid. I'm not gonna make a mess," I mutter, annoyed.
Lucius raises one eyebrow, and says, "Do you understand?"
"Yes, Lucius," I sigh.
"Good. You may go."
I don't respond. I pick up my plate, shove my chair in, and leave the dining room as quickly as possible.
As I leave, I hear Narcissa say quietly, "Dear, don't you think you've been acting a bit irritable towards him lately?"

Feeling frustrated, I grab a stool from the kitchen, set it down by the front windows, and sit down to wait for Evan. I don't understand why Lucius always seems to be frustrated with me, or why he never seems to have time for me anymore. I try really hard to make him happy and to be good, but he never seems to want to pay attention to me anymore. Suddenly, I feel a hand on my shoulder, and I jump. My plate falls off my lap onto the floor, and I cover my face with my hands. A wand swishes over my head, and the plate is fixed, and the food vanishes.
"What's wrong, Severus?" Lucius asks, bending down next to me and putting his arm around my shoulder.
"I dropped the plate and now you're gonna be mad at me!" I exclaim as my eyes begin to well up, "I try so hard to make you happy, but you're always annoyed and mad at me now! Last summer you used to let me run errands with you all the time, and you let me hang out with you before bed, and and and and… but now you're always mad! I don't understand why you don't like me anymore!"
"I do like you! If I didn't like you, you wouldn't be living here! I'm letting you have a friend over today, I told you you could go to St. Mungo's with Narcissa, I told you I was proud of you this morning…" Lucius' voice trails off as I wipe my eyes with my hands. He waits for me to speak, and when I don't, he continues, "I'm not always mad at you, Severus! I think that since Narcissa's been living here, I had assumed you would be fine with her all day."
"I like hanging out with Narcissa! I just don't understand why you don't wanna hang out with me anymore! What did I do wrong?" I sniff.
Lucius smiles, and says, "I get a bit irritated when you don't do as you're told, and when you take hours to eat your food, and when I see that you've still got those ridiculous earrings in, but you're usually very well-behaved! I've been very busy lately, so I haven't had much time to spend with you, or even with Narcissa, but I'll make sure to take you on some errands before you go back to school, and maybe tomorrow night you can come hang out with Narcissa and me before bed, alright?"
"Okay. I'm sorry," I mumble.
"It's alright," he says soothingly, and gives me a hug, "You were left alone and neglected so much as a child, so I can see how you might misunderstand some things and overreact. I like you very much, and I know you try very hard to make me happy. Why don't I take you and Evan out to get some ice cream today? Would you like that?"
I hesitate for a second, thinking hard. Maybe he just wants to get me ice cream to make me big so he doesn't have to pay attention to me anymore. But I do like ice cream, and a kid-sized one shouldn't make me too big, so, looking at my knees, I say, "Mm hmm, thank you! I'm sorry I dropped the plate."
"Of course! You deserve a treat," he says, ruffling my hair, "And don't worry about the plate. You were startled. I'll be in the living room. We should go before Narcissa comes back from St. Mungo's so that you can help her bake those cookies!"
"Okay! I'm sorry I was being difficult," I mumble.
"It's alright! Don't worry about it," Lucius smiles, and walks away.

After about 30 minutes, I finally see Evan appear in the courtyard, clutching a boot as his portkey. I open the door and run out into the yard. Laughing, Evan throws the boot down, picks me and swings me around.
"I'm so glad you could come!" I exclaim as he sets me down. I feel a little dizzy, so I hold onto his arm for a second to steady myself.
"Me too!" Evan says, starting to walk to the door.
"Lucius said he'll take us to get ice cream today!"
"Oh, that's nice of him!"
"And we're gonna bake cookies with Narcissa later, too!"
"Okay! What kind of cookies?"
"Chocolate chip!" I exclaim as we walk into the living room.
"Hello, Evan! It's been a while. How have you been?" Lucius drawls from his armchair. He's reading from a letter that looks as if it just arrived.
"Hello! I've been well. What about you?" Evan says.
"I've been well, thank you. Severus, this is from St. Mungo's reminding us of your checkup next week."
"What?" I exclaim, "I didn't know I had a checkup next week! Nobody told me!"
"I'm sure I told you. You must have forgotten."
"What's your checkup for?" Evan asks.
I open my mouth to respond, but Lucius says, "His weight."
"And my head!" I frown, "They wanna make sure—"
"They want to make sure," Lucius interrupts, looking back at the letter.
I take a deep breath, and say, "They want to make sure I'm all healed from my concussion last summer. It was bad, so I had a lot of healing to do."
"Oh, that makes sense. How do you feel? Do you feel like you're pretty much all healed up?" Evan says, sitting on the couch.
"I feel okay," I say, sitting down next to Evan, "Sometimes I still have trouble remembering words for things, but not a lot anymore. It's gotten loads better, so I'm not worried about it."
"You did a good job on your O.W.L's though, so you must be doing pretty well!" Evan smiles at me.
"I thought you could have done better on your Charms O.W.L, but it is what it is, I suppose," Lucius says.
"I studied really hard. I tried my best," I mumble, looking down.
"You got an Acceptable, right? Acceptable's still passing! Especially since that's your hardest subject!" Evan exclaims, "And think on the bright side— you don't have to take Charms anymore now!"
"That's true!" I smile, excitedly imagining a life at school where I don't need to struggle with charms homework everyday anymore.
"I think you should continue with Charms. It's an important subject," Lucius says.
I take a deep breath, and say, "Didn't you drop Herbology and Potions after you took your O.W.L's? Everybody drops a couple of classes they don't need anymore after O.W.L's so they can focus on their advanced classes. I'm dropping Charms and History of Magic, and I'm gonna start Alchemy."
"Herbology isn't important. I think you're being unreasonable," Lucius says in his quiet, displeased tone.
"Herbology isn't important if you're going for a Charms mastery. It is important if you're going for a Potions mastery. I'm dropping Charms because it's not important for what I want to study."
"We can talk about this later. You're not thinking straight."
I take a deep breath, reminding myself to stay strong, and say, "No. I'm thinking fine. I don't like Charms class, and I'm not even good at charms to begin with! It's not important for what I want to do with my life, so I'm not going to waste my time with it anymore!"
For a second, I think Lucius is going to stand up and smack me, but he just smiles coldly, and says, "Fine. If you think you know best, then drop Charms. You've always been better at potions than actual spell-work anyways. Evan, what class are you dropping?"
I am so angry I can feel my hands start to shake. I take a deep breath, clear my mind, and force all emotion off my face.
Evan glances at me awkwardly, and says, "Herbology and Potions, and I'll be starting Advanced Arithmancy. But I'm not going for a mastery, and I've never been very good at making potions. I just want to get good grades in all my advanced classes. I'd rather be a jack-of-all-trades than pursue one subject."
"That's a good idea. I'm sure you'll do well. You've always been a smart boy and made good choices," says Lucius.

After our conversation is over, we go to Diagon Alley to get some ice cream. I get strawberry, Evan gets chocolate, and Lucius gets vanilla. I am still so angry that I barely touch mine, but once we start walking and Evan distracts me with conversation, I'm able to eat it just fine.

When we get home, Evan and I bring a pack of cards and the chess board up to my room, and talk in whispers while we play.
"He shouldn't talk to you like that. We'll be turning 17 this school year! We can make our own decisions about what we want to study!" Evan says, angrily shoving his bishop a few spaces closer to my pawn.
"I know," I sigh, ignoring his bishop and moving my knight.
"And he shouldn't be rude about your spell-casting! You're super powerful! You've even made some of your own spells!"
"Yeah, but he doesn't know that."
"Why haven't you told him?" Evan exclaims, shocked.
"Keep your voice down! He doesn't need to know," I mutter.
"Why, though?"
"He likes me better like this."
"But he's so controlling! Don't you think he'd be less controlling if he knew you were good at other things besides potions?" Evan says, and moves his queen to challenge my knight.
I move a pawn up to defend my knight and challenge his bishop, and say, "I don't know. I don't wanna find out." After a couple of minutes of deliberation, I ask, "If I tell you a secret, will you promise you won't tell anybody?"
Evan hesitates, moves his castle to defend his bishop, then nods.
"I've done a bad thing."
"What do you mean?"
"Something I can't tell anybody about."
"What did you do?" he asks tentatively.
I'm quiet for a second, then say, "My parents didn't die of alcohol poisoning."
Evan frowns, and I'm afraid he's going to get up and leave, then he takes a deep breath, and says, "You have done a bad thing."
I grab his hand, in case he's thinking of grabbing his wand, and exclaim, "Listen! I didn't think I had any other choice! My dad beat me almost to death, and my mum didn't care! She came and visited me once in the hospital for like, five minutes, then went home to make supper for my dad! I didn't want to keep going home and getting beat! I didn't know my mum would drink it, too! You can't tell anybody!"
"Drink what?" he asks, still frowning.
I shake my head, and look at the chess board.
"Drink what, Severus?" he asks again, voice lower and quieter.
"The vodka I poisoned," I whisper.
Evan takes another deep breath, and looks away, then says, "I understand why you thought you had to do that, but it wasn't the right thing to do. I'm sure my mum and dad would have let you stay with us over the summers, and I know Lucius would have taken you in if you had asked."
I shake my head, and, brushing the hair out of my face, I say, "He only got me over the holidays. He's busy over the summers. The only time I lived here over the summer was last year when I got out of the hospital."
"Thank you for telling me," he murmurs.
"I just… I just didn't want you to think I'm something I'm not. You're my best friend now, so you deserve to know," I mumble, "Am I a bad person?"
Evan is quiet for a minute, then takes my knight with the castle that wasn't defending his bishop, saying, "No, I don't think so. I don't think you made the right choice, but I don't think you're a bad person. You did what you thought you had to do. Do you regret it?"
I nod, "I bet my dad had just gotten his promotion for him and my mum to have been drinking, but I dunno. He was always getting sober, then going back to drinking. He took better care of me than my mum did when he was sober, though my mum didn't take care of me at all. At least my dad noticed when my hair was getting too long, and that there wasn't any food for me to eat when he was sober. He used to play cards with me, and take me fishing sometimes, and we hunted for morels together before he lost his job at the steel mill."
"But that was only when he was sober."
"Mm hmm."
"Well, if he was always going back to drinking, and if he was threatening your life, and you didn't see any other options, then I understand why you did what you did. You were afraid and desperate."
I nod again.
"Well, so long as you don't poison me, then I'm not worried," he says with a forced smile.
"No. You make me feel safe," I mumble, "I would never hurt you."
"Thank you. I'm glad you confided in me. I'll keep your secret. I promise."
I give him a small smile, and say, "Thanks, Evan."
He gives me a short hug, and says, "I'm hungry. Do you want to grab a snack? We can eat while we finish playing."
"I didn't finish my breakfast this morning, so I'm not allowed to have a snack. We'll have to wait for lunch," I mumble.
Evan laughs, then, realizing I'm not joking, he says incredulously, "That's absurd!"
I shrug, "We had ice cream an hour ago, but it's getting close to noon. If you're hungry, we can probably just get lunch."
"Alright, but I think that rule is stupid. If you're hungry, you should be allowed to eat. Everybody knows you have trouble eating at the table with other people!"
I shrug, stand up, and say, "You coming?"
"Yeah, I guess," Evan sighs, and we go downstairs for lunch. It's easier for me to eat now that Evan's here, but I still feel nervous, especially since I stood up for myself and made Lucius mad earlier. He seems to have either forgotten about it, or is just saving telling me off till after Evan goes home.

When Narcissa gets home, we help her bake, and once we're done with dinner, it's time for Evan to go home. We go out to the courtyard, and he gives me a long hug before picking up the port-key.
"Write to me to tell me how your appointment goes, okay?" he says.
"Okay," I say, already feeling sad now that he's leaving.
"Only a couple weeks, and we'll be going back to school! Will you be watching Quidditch tryouts?"
"Yeah! You're gonna be a great captain. I'm sure you'll pick an amazing team."
"Thanks! Sev?" he asks, putting a hand on my arm.
"Yeah?"
"You're not a bad person, even though you've done a bad thing. Okay?"
The port-key starts to shudder, and I let go of Evan. I look into his hazel eyes, but I don't know what to say.
"I– nevermind," he murmurs, then, as the port-key glows, he says, "See you in a couple weeks!"
I open my mouth to respond, but Evan has already vanished. I stand in the courtyard for a few minutes just looking at the spot where Evan was. Finally, a peacock walks up to me, expecting to be fed, and I'm snapped out of my daze. I sigh, and walk back inside.

When the day comes for my checkup, Healer Smithwick says my head is looking much better, and that I don't need to come back for another checkup next year, unless something happens to it again. She isn't so happy about my weight, though. I'm 5 foot 1, and weigh 85 pounds. Now that I'm old enough that a parent or guardian is no longer required to be in the room with me, I find it easier to talk to Healer Smithwick about my weight.
"Lambie, your weight is even lower than it was when you left with Mr. Malfoy last summer after promising to eat. I know Mr. Malfoy has food for you to eat, and I know Hogwarts feeds you well. What's going on?" she asks quietly.
"My stomach hurts when I eat," I lie.
"Honey, there's nothing wrong with your stomach. Madame Pomfrey ruled that out last September. What's really going on?"
I kick my feet while I think about my answer. She waits for me to speak. Finally, I mumble, "I'm nervous to eat a lot, especially at the manor."
"Is there a place that doesn't make you nervous?"
"I don't feel as nervous at school when I'm with my friends."
"That's good! What do your friends do that makes it so that you aren't nervous?"
"They don't pressure me to eat. Evan will remind me to eat if I haven't eaten anything, and he always helps me calm down if I'm nervous, but he doesn't sit there and pick at me."
"I'm glad you have friends at school. Do you remember how lonely you used to be, and how you worried you were that you wouldn't make friends at school? I told you you'd make friends there, didn't I?" Healer Smithwick smiles, then asks, "I noticed you said that your friends don't pressure you to eat. What does it look like when you're pressured to eat more than you want?"
"He— I'm told I can't leave the table till I've eaten at least half of my food, or all of my food, or have taken a certain number of bites of food, and I can't eat in between meals if I don't finish everything on my plate. And if I take too long cutting up my food or eating, he gets frustrated with me," I say.
"How does that make you feel?"
I think about it for a second, then say, "Nervous and angry. I don't want him to be mad at me, but I also don't need to always be told what to do!"
Healer Smithwick smiles, and says, "Of course not, lambie! You're almost an adult, after all! You're right that you don't always need to be told what to do. When I was a teenager, I was always angry with my mum because she was always telling me what to do, but now I realize she was just looking out for me. She wanted to make sure I was safe, healthy, and making good choices. Is there anybody at Malfoy Manor who doesn't make you feel nervous when you're eating?"
"Narcissa. She lets me eat what I want, and she lets me bake with her, too."
"That's good! She's lovely— always says hello to me when she's here, and all the children here like her," she smiles, "Try to have meals with her when you can, alright? And I know it's hard, but try not to get frustrated when people ask you to eat. They just want you to be healthy."
I nod. She doesn't understand, but it's alright. Everything is fine.
For a few seconds, neither of us speaks, then she says, "So? How's your friend Lily? If I remember correctly, last summer you said she was thinking of quitting Potion's Club so that she could focus more on other subjects?"
"We're not friends anymore, and yeah, she did quit. She stopped coming after O.W.L's," I say, looking across the room at a poster on the wall advertising exercise and healthy eating.
"Oh, sweetie! What happened? You two were so close! Healer Moloney and I even had a bet to see which one of you would ask the other out one day!"
"I guess we sort of grew apart. She did some things I didn't like, and I said some things I shouldn't have said. And we were only ever just friends. At least, I only ever saw her as a friend."
"I'm so sorry to hear that! She was such a sweet girl! I always thought she liked you a little more than just as a friend, but I suppose it wasn't meant to be. You'll find somebody you like, don't worry!" she consoles.
"I guess," I say with a small smile, trying to look as though she made me feel better, "Am I good to go?"
Healer Smithwick sighs, and says, "I suppose so. Try to eat with Narcissa when you can, and make sure you eat when you get to school. You are almost 17 years old. You've got to start making healthier choices for yourself. Do you understand?"
"Yes, ma'am. Please don't tell Lucius how bad my weight is."
Healer Smithwick pauses, then nods, and says, "Alright, I won't tell him, but you need to make sure you eat. I don't want to see you back here for organ failure or because your heart's decided to stop beating. Next time I see you back here it had better be because you've got a job in the lab or because you're coming to say hello!"
I smile, and nod my head. We leave the room and head out to the lobby.

As we walk up, Lucius looks up from his paper, and asks, "How's he doing? Everything look alright?"
"Yes, sir! His head's looking fine!" Healer Smithwick smiles.
"And his weight?"
"He could stand to put on a few pounds."
"He's awfully bony. Are you sure he just needs to gain a few pounds?" Lucius frowns.
Healer Smithwick glances at me, and says, "He definitely has some weight to gain, but I wouldn't worry too much about it. I think worrying about it has him feeling a bit nervous, and I've found it's easier for patients to eat when they don't feel pressured to eat more than they're able to. For example, his stomach is pretty small since he's not used to eating big portions, so snacking in between meals would be a good idea."
Lucius smiles, but it doesn't reach his eyes, "Of course," he says.

When we get back to the manor, Lucius has me set up the chess board. About halfway through our game, he says, "I don't care what Healer Smithwick says, you're not eating between meals unless you finish your food. I'm not going to let you fill up on snacks so that you can take three bites of your food and say you're full."
I don't respond. I guess I'm just not going to eat at the manor. At least I'll be going back to school soon. Evan and I started making each other's plates up before we left for summer break, since he noticed I was never taking enough food, so maybe we'll be able to do that again when we get back to school. I don't want to die of organ failure, and I don't want my heart to stop beating, and I want to grow, but not too much. I don't want to get big, then nobody will pay attention to me anymore. And anyways, I feel like how much I eat is the only thing I have control over in my life now. It's funny, really. I used to never have control over how much I ate, since there was never any food at home. I used to eat second helpings whenever I could because I was always starving. I used to steal food from the Great Hall to bring home. I wish I could be like that still, but I guess this is just how it is now. I have a lot I should be grateful for, and I can eat when I get to school.