December 6th, 1976
As I sit in Professor Dumbledore's office with James Potter at one in the morning, I wonder when I'm going to wake up, since this has to be a nightmare. I had a feeling Lupin was a werewolf, but I didn't know what Black was luring me into. I don't know what I thought was going to happen, but I didn't think he was going to try to set a werewolf on me! I shouldn't have taken Black's bait. I should have brought Evan with me. And now Dumbledore is going to think Potter is some hero for saving my life. He only did it because he didn't want my blood on his hands! Why do I always get myself into these situations? It's always my fault, just like my dad— my father used to say. And now I'm sure Dumbledore is going to send an owl to Lucius, and he'll be mad at me, too!
Dumbledore leans forward in his chair, fingers together, and looks at both of us, "Do you boys understand the magnitude of your situation?" he says slowly.
Potter and I glance at each other, then both of us murmur, "Yes, sir."
Then Potter shifts uncomfortably in his chair, and blurts out, "But he shouldn't have been there in the first place!"
Infuriated, I turn on him and exclaim, "Neither should you! Or Black! He's the one who told me to go down there! And I know Pettigrew was there, too!"
"Sirius wouldn't do that! He wouldn't jeopardize Remus like that! And you have no proof anybody was down there except me and Remus! You probably just followed me!"
As I open my mouth to retort, Dumbledore raises his hand, and says, "It doesn't matter who Severus saw, or why he was there."
"What?!" I exclaim.
"What happened is going to be forgotten by everybody involved. Especially you two."
"What do you mean?!"
"Severus, you're going to forget that you saw Remus Lupin transform into a werewolf, and you're going to forget that anybody else knows about it. James, you're going to forget that Severus was down by the Whomping Willow and that he saw what he saw. Nobody is going to mention this incident again. We don't need any more problems between you two, and we certainly don't need any problems for Mr. Lupin. His lycanthropy is not his choice, and it is not under his control," Dumbledore says, looking into my eyes.
I don't look away, rather, I sneer, "What'll you do to me if I don't forget? Take points away from Slytherin? Tell my dead parents? I could have died, but you don't care! And besides, I don't care about Lupin, anyways! I just wanna know why you're not gonna punish Black for telling me to go down there!"
Dumbledore smiles at me, and murmurs, "I care very much that you could have died, Severus, but luckily James was there, and you didn't die. As for Sirius Black, we have no evidence that he told you anything at all."
"But he did! After Defense Against the Dark Arts yesterday as we were all packing up to leave class! I swear he did! He told me to go down there before the moon rose and how to get past the Whomping Willow!"
"Even if Sirius did say that, which I don't think he would, why would you listen to him in the first place? You know he hates you!" Potter exclaims.
"Yeah, but I just wanted to know—"
"You just can't keep your nose out of other people's business! That's the only reason you'd have to be down there!"
I open my mouth to respond, but Dumbledore interrupts me, calmly saying, "That is enough. You know, Severus, I read Madame Pomfrey's report about your weight from last week."
I glance at Potter. He looks away. I look back at Dumbledore, and exclaim, "And? What of it? I'm fine!"
"You've lost more weight since the beginning of the school year."
I nervously begin picking at the dry skin around my thumb, "I've been busy!"
"I seem to remember Madame Pomfrey saying that if you didn't show progress with your weight, we would have to consider admitting you back to St. Mungo's. Do you remember that?"
I can feel the blood drain from my face, and I look pleadingly into his eyes, "No! Please! I'm eating, I swear! I just— I just.."
Potter shifts in his chair, and says, "I think what he means is that if you don't snitch about Remus to get back at Sirius, you know, if he did actually tell you to go down there, then you could have another chance to have a better weight check."
As tears spring into my eyes, I lean forward and bury my face in my arms on Dumbledore's desk.
Dumbledore reaches out to touch my arm, and gently says, "You're a good boy, Severus. I know you'll make the right choice."
"Fine," I growl, "Black isn't going to face any consequences. Fantastic. What about him then?" I point at Potter, "What are you gonna do to him if he says anything about me? He's been harassing me since day one, and nobody's ever done anything to him!"
"Why would I say anything about you being there? I don't want Remus to get in trouble!" Potter exclaims angrily.
"No! You gotta promise not to say anything to anybody about what Professor Dumbledore said about my weight! There's nothing wrong with me! My stomach just hurts so I can't eat a lot! I know you're gonna make fun of me and spread rumors about what Professor Dumbledore said! I don't need to be admitted to St. Mungo's! I'm fine! Everything's fine!"
"James, you won't speak about Severus' health, correct? There's no reason to be discussing other students' health conditions, whether they be lycanthropy or refusing to eat," Dumbledore says tiredly.
"Of course not! What do I care if he doesn't eat?"
"Because you never leave me alone! You harass me about everything!"
"Enough! Boys," Dumbledore raises his hand again to silence us, "James, do you swear you won't speak to anybody about Severus' situation? Even to your closest friends and family?"
"Yes, sir, I promise."
"Severus, do you swear you won't speak to anybody about Remus Lupin's lycanthropy and what you saw this morning, even to your closest family and friends, or try to get revenge on Sirius Black for what he may or may not have told you?"
I hesitate for a second. The odds are stacked against me, but they always have been. I can't wait to get out of here. This is just another reason for me to think about joining up with the Dark Lord. I could get revenge on Dumbledore, Potter, Black, and everybody else who's hurt me.
"Severus?"
"I promise."
"You're both going to forget what happened this morning, yes?"
Potter and I glance at each other, and say, "Yes, sir."
Dumbledore smiles, stands up, and waves his wand. Two pieces of parchment fly out of his wand, and he hands one to each of us, then says, "Thank you, boys. You are dismissed. Go straight to bed. If Mr. Pringle apprehends either one of you, give him my note, and he will let you go. And boys? Leave each other alone. You are both almost 17 years old. You need to let bygones be bygones. You don't need to be friends— you just need to leave each other alone. Do you understand?"
"Yes, sir," we both mumble. I know better, though. I know he's not going to leave me alone, and neither will Sirius Black, and as long as they harass me, then my friends and I will get back at them.
"Good. You're dismissed. Goodnight!"
Potter says, "Goodnight, sir!" but I just turn and walk away. I don't know why I'm surprised anymore. Nobody in this school has ever had my back, aside from Lucius and my friends. And Lily. But it's fine. I have lots of practice forgetting things. Honestly, it doesn't even matter. Who cares if Lupin's a werewolf? It's not even that interesting, really. I don't know why I wanted to know so badly.
Once we're out of sight of Dumbledore's office, Potter says quietly, "You really won't say anything, will you?"
I turn on him, and growl, "No, but it's not like I have a choice! I don't care about Lupin, anyways. I'm just mad that Black is getting away with telling me to go down there when he knew I could have died or gotten bit!"
"Did he really tell you to go there and how to get in?"
"Yeah! He did! How else would I have known?"
Potter shakes his head and lifts his hand to ruffle his hair, but lowers it quickly, "I just can't believe Sirius would jeopardize everything like that. You're a piece of work, but even I don't want you dead!"
"That's very reassuring," I sneer.
"Did anybody else hear what Sirius told you? If he did, in fact, tell you how to get in?"
I shrug my shoulders, and say, "I dunno. I don't think so. But I can't speak for anybody else."
"Well, I hope you don't have any trouble keeping Remus' secret."
"Don't worry, I have lots of practice keeping secrets."
"I bet you do," Potter frowns.
"And you better not say anything about what Dumbledore said about me, either."
"I promised I wouldn't. Just out of curiosity, why don't you eat?"
"I already told you," I growl, "I just get stomach aches, so it's hard to eat a lot."
Potter shrugs his shoulders, and says, "Whatever you say. You get stomach aches from your guilty conscience?"
"Can you let me live?" I sigh, "I swear you and Black think I'm some sort of hardened criminal, but I'm just another guy trying to make it in the world. I just have to work extra hard because, like you always say, I'm just poor trash from Cokeworth."
"We don't think you're a hardened criminal, we think you're a slimy little snake who's somehow managed to weasel his way into the company of very powerful, influential people despite being, well, poor trash from Cokeworth. For example, why does Lucius Malfoy keep you around? Lily said he even adopted you after your parents died! And you were in his wedding! And even before your parents died, she said he was always inviting you to stay at his manor over holidays! I know I can't be the only person who thinks that's suspicious!" Potter exclaims.
"Look, what does it matter to you why Lucius does what he does? If you're going to get on me for poking my nose into other people's business, then don't poke your nose into mine!"
Potter regards me with contempt for a second, then says, "Whatever, Snape. I'm going to bed. We have classes tomorrow, and I'm asking Lily on a date."
"Good luck with that," I sneer.
"I bet it makes you sad that she never wanted to go out with you," he smiles nastily.
I laugh, "I never wanted to go out with her, either! We were only ever just friends!"
"There's no way you never wanted to be with her! She's gorgeous!" he says, looking shocked.
I shake my head, and say, "I mean, yeah, I guess she's pretty, but we were only ever friends. I even helped her get together with Eric Johnson in our fourth year! Granted, they were only together for a couple of months, but still!"
"You helped her? But you've never had a girlfriend in your life!" Potter asks astoundedly.
"Yeah! My mum worked at a tavern, so I used to spend time there once in a while as a kid. I told Lily to wear some makeup, play with her hair, and laugh at his jokes like my mum did to make better tips."
"Wow. That actually makes me really uncomfortable."
"If you don't believe me, ask her. She'll tell you the same thing. We were only ever just friends. Anyways, like you said, I'm going to bed," I say, and start backing away, only turning around after he's started walking the other way.
When I get back to my common room, I change my clothes and go straight to bed. I'll just take a shower when I wake up. Nobody else is awake. Before I lie down, I take one of the vials of Draught of Dreamless Sleep I made at the manor over the summer. I don't want to have any more nightmares today. I wake up to Evan gently shaking my shoulder.
"What time is it?" I ask groggily.
"It's 6:30! Time to get up!" he exclaims enthusiastically.
I close my eyes briefly, remembering that I promised myself I'd shower in the morning, and hating myself for not just doing it last night,
"Hey, don't fall back asleep! You need to take a shower— you look rough."
I open my eyes and sit up, "Okay, Mr. Perfect, I'm getting up!"
"Come on!" he exclaims, pulling my blankets off me, "It's Monday! We don't want to be late for breakfast!"
Shivering, I smile, and get out of bed, "Of course! It's waffles day! Your favorite day of the week!"
"Yeah, Severus! He'll flay you within an inch of your life if you make him late for waffles day!" Clarence laughs.
I stretch, grab my school robes and uniform, then start heading to the bathroom to take my shower.
Evan follows me. When we get there, we brush our teeth. Right before I go to step into the shower, Evan corners me, "I know you were out last night on your own again. I woke up and you were gone. I checked in here and in the common room, but I couldn't find you. You know you shouldn't be wandering around on your own," he whispers, putting both hands by either side of my head on the shower cubicle, hemming me in so I can't get away.
Blushing slightly, I whisper back, "I wasn't!"
He raises one eyebrow, and I look down.
"Fine. I went to our room by the potion's lab. I couldn't sleep, so I went in there to practice defense for our test this week."
"I really hope that's the truth. I don't want you to get in trouble, Sev!"
"It is! I promise!" Somehow, lying to Evan feels worse than having my life saved by James Potter this morning.
"If you say so," Evan shrugs, and steps into his own shower cubicle.
In the hallways on the way to our first class of the day, Sirius Black sidles up to me, and whispers, "I see you're still here."
"Sure am," I respond through clenched teeth.
"James wouldn't tell me what Dumbledore threatened you with to keep you quiet, but you'd better not tell."
"Or?" I sneer.
He grabs my arm like my father used to do, and growls, "Or you'll answer to me."
"Oi! Leave him alone!" exclaims Evan, looking over from his conversation with Joseph.
"It's okay, Evan," I say, looking over my shoulder at him. Then, to Black, I say, "Ooo, very frightening. How long did you practice that scary scary face in the mirror this morning?"
Black shakes me hard, and is about to speak, when Evan yells, "I said leave him alone!" Evan grabs Black and slams him into the wall. Just as Evan goes to punch him in the face, James Potter comes running up and shoves Evan away from Black. Joseph draws his wand just as Pettigrew shows up, panting.
People all around us are forming a circle, and I shout over the noise, "Stop it! We're gonna get in trouble!"
We all freeze as we hear Professor McGonagall's voice, "Gentlemen! What is going on?"
Joseph quickly pockets his wand. Nobody says anything, but we all look down.
"Come with me! All of you!" she says shrilly, pointing at us and beckoning into the empty classroom to our left, "The rest of you had better keep moving!"
We all slowly file in.
"What were you all doing? As much as I would like to believe this was a friendly get-together, I know better."
I know she isn't going to listen to me, so I stay silent. Evan, however, says angrily, "Black came up and grabbed Sev and was shaking him and threatening him! He needs to keep his hands off Sev and leave him alone!"
"Is this true, Mr. Black?" McGonagall asks. She would be looking down her nose at him, but he's taller than she is now.
Black shifts awkwardly, and glances at Potter, who shrugs, and says, "I wasn't there. Sirius ran off, and Peter and I just caught up when Rosier was slamming Sirius into the wall."
McGonagall rubs her temples, and sighs, "Why is it always you boys? It's always you," she points at me, "and you two," she points at Black and Potter, "getting into trouble. Frankly, I'm astounded that you are all almost 17 years old and still getting into petty fights. 40 points from Slytherin, and 40 points from Gryffindor, and if I see it again, it'll be detention for the rest of the week!"
Evan opens his mouth as if to retort, but I elbow him in his ribs, and he desists.
"You are all dismissed. Get to class, and for Merlin's sake, boys! Just leave each other alone!"
None of us say anything as we file out of the room. As soon as we're out of earshot, Black opens his mouth to say something to me, but Potter says, "Sirius, you need to stop. Today's not the day. You've done enough damage already."
Evan glares at Black, grabs my shoulders, and shoves me between him and Joseph.
"I hate them," he growls.
"Me, too," I murmur.
"I just don't understand why they hate you so much!" exclaims Joseph, "They're always going on about protecting the school, or whatever, but you're like, two feet tall and weigh about as much as a gerbil. If anything, they should have beef with me and Evan!"
I laugh, and say, "But you and Evan are their size! It's much more fun to pick on somebody who's smaller and poorer than you, especially if you're going to gang up on them two-to-one."
"The only reason they gang up on you like that is because they know you'd demolish them one-on-one," Evan says, ruffling my hair.
"It's true, though," Joseph muses, "I almost forgot— you jinxed me on our first day of school and left me on the floor while you put your stuff away. You're not from our background, and you're tiny, but you're seriously powerful. I wouldn't want to get on your bad side."
After our classes, Quidditch practice, and Potion's Club are all over, Evan and I sit by the fire to do our Defense Against the Dark Arts homework. Joseph is sitting with Clarence working on homework for Care of Magical Creatures, and John is sitting with some of the girls in our year working on the Astronomy homework Evan and I finished during our break today. I yawn, and Evan gives me a quick hug. I check that nobody is watching us, and I nuzzle my head into his shoulder for just a second. I wish I could tell him what happened this morning, but I promised I wouldn't tell. If something got out, they'd ship me off to St. Mungo's, and I couldn't bear it. It's unfair enough that nobody stops Potter and Black from bullying me, and that Dumbledore doesn't care that I could have died, but threatening to send me to St. Mungo's is just adding insult to injury. I know I don't weigh enough. I know I'm not healthy! There's nothing I can do about it! Any time I try to eat more, my brain stops me, and I just can't. Admitting me to St. Mungo's just to have them force feed me isn't going to help anything. Honestly, it's just like my situation with my father. Everybody just tells me to avoid them, but I can't help it that they always seem to know where I am. I can't help it that they actively seek me out and bully me, then when I fight back, it's always my fault. At least I only have a year and a half left here. And they're not nearly as bad when I'm with my friends, so it'll be okay. There's not much else they can do to me that's worse than what they've already done and what I've already been through, so that's comforting, I guess.
