January 1st, 1978

Today is eight days before my 18th birthday, and Lucius and Narcissa are hosting a birthday party for me before my friends and I have to go back for the second semester of our last year at Hogwarts. We invited Evan, Regulus, Clarence, John, Joseph, Rodolphus, and Bellatrix. Lucius wanted to invite some of his friends, but I told him I only wanted people I knew well to be there. For once, aside from inviting Rodolphus and Bellatrix, he listened to me. In the morning, after I've taken a shower and gotten dressed, Lucius sets a plate of eggs, toast, and grapes in front of me and sits down at the table next to me, finger tips together.
"Can I help you?" I ask uncomfortably.
"How are you feeling today?" he asks.
"I'm fine. Why?"
"You ate a bit more than you usually do for dinner last night. I'm glad you don't have a stomach ache."
I look down at my plate. Suddenly, I'm not hungry anymore.
"Listen, Severus. When the party is over tonight, I am going to tell you something very secret, and very important. I am going to extend an invitation to a society that I am going to tell you about later tonight. I am part of it, as well as all of the people I have introduced you to. You would do well to accept my invitation. I have been grooming you for a long time for this. It would be a shame if you made the wrong decision."
A shiver goes down my spine, "I understand."
"Good. I have stayed in contact about you with Slughorn. After some… prying, he reluctantly told me that you are top of the school at potions. He said your potions rival his own, and some might even be better. You are president of Potions Club, you tutor younger students, and you spend your extra time prepping and creating new and improved potions. When you take your N.E.W.T's, you are, of course, taking the extra test for potions mastery. Where you're going, this will be important for you."
"So you already have my life planned out for me? I have no say in what I do after school at all?" I frown.
"That is correct," he says, raising one eyebrow, "You have some sort of problem with this arrangement?"
"I just–" I look at my plate again and take a deep breath to steady myself and clear my head, "it's alright. Everything's fine."
"You know, when I took you under my wing as a seventh-year, I never thought I would be able to do so much with you. You've been so pliable, so obedient, so eager to please. I know that you will make the right choice tonight, hmm?"
"Yes, Lucius," I murmur.
"Good boy," he purrs, stroking my hair back from my face, "Now, we really must do something about your hair. I think it's been far too long for far too many years."
"Yours is long! Why can't mine be long, too?"
"I appreciate your admiration, but yours looks best by your shoulders. When it's longer, what with how short and skinny you are, it makes you look like a little girl, and we can't have that."
"That's what my dad used to say," I mutter.
"Well," Lucius sneers, "that's one of the only things your father was right about. Now, go ahead and eat your breakfast before it gets cold, and then Narcissa will cut your hair. I'll sit with you so you have some company."
"Thanks," I mumble, knowing full well he's only sitting here so he can control how much I eat.
"Pardon?"
"I said thanks," I say tersely. I take a deep breath as I nervously look down at my food.
"Your eggs are getting cold, Severus, go ahead and eat!" he says, shoving my plate closer to me.
I pick up my fork and knife and begin cutting everything up into teeny tiny pieces. I even cut each grape into quarters.
Lucius shakes his head and sighs, "So it's going to be like that today, is it?"
I ignore him and continue cutting my food into smaller pieces.
"I'm going to go get more tea. When I come back, I want to see that you've eaten at least a few bites of that food. Do you understand?"
I don't respond.
Lucius puts a hand on my wrist, and says icily, "I asked you a question, and I expect an answer. Do you understand?"
I want to rip my wrist away from his cold fingers, but instead, I take a deep breath and say, "Yes, Lucius."
He lets go of my wrist, and says, "Good. We'll sit here until you've finished at least half of your plate."
"I'll try my best," I mumble as Lucius walks out of the room to go get his tea. I wish I could eat without feeling like a failure. I wish I could enjoy my food without feeling like I'm gaining weight with every bite. I wish I could stop feeling tired, and cold, and depressed, and miserable all the time, but I just can't. I force myself to eat three bites of egg and toast, and three whole grapes while Lucius gets his tea, and when he returns, he doesn't say anything. He just sits down with his tea and newspaper at the head of the table. I feel better knowing that he's not watching me, so I manage to eat half of my plate, even though my brain is telling me that if I eat, I'll get fat and nobody will pay attention to me or like me anymore.

After only 15 minutes, Lucius looks over and smiles, "Just a few more bites and you can go."
I sigh, and push my plate away, face in my hands. He's not giving me any time to even try to eat!
"Severus, I'm getting tired of this. I've invested too much of my time, energy, and money into you to allow you to starve yourself to death," he states, and sips his tea.
I can feel tears beginning to well up in my eyes, and I sniffle, "I'm not! I'm just… just not hungry. Like you said, I ate a lot last night! May I just finish later?"
"No! You may not finish later! Just eat your food! You only have a few more bites, then you can be finished. Narcissa needs to do your hair. We don't have all day, and I'm not going to argue with you anymore. Just put some food in your mouth and eat it!"
I wipe my eyes, stab a piece of egg and toast, and shove it in my mouth. I chew methodically and swallow. When I've eaten two more bites, I shove my plate towards Lucius and push my chair away from the table, "I'm done. May I go now?"
"You may go sit in the living room. Narcissa is going to cut your hair," Lucius sighs, looking at the food left on my plate, "And Severus?"
"Yes?"
"We're not doing this at dinner tonight. You'll eat at least half of what you're given. Do you understand?"
"Yes, Lucius," I murmur, looking at my feet. Satisfied that I've been dismissed, I go into the living room. Narcissa is already there setting up her scissors and supplies. Arms crossed, I throw myself into the chair, and, smiling softly, Narcissa drapes a towel over my shoulders. She cuts my hair mainly in silence. I think she can tell I don't want to talk, and I appreciate that she lets me be. At some point, Lucius wanders into the living room as well. When she's done, I thank her quietly, help her clean and put away her supplies, and rejoin Lucius in the living room.

While the house elf, Dobby, cooks and sets the table, I reorganize the books in the bookshelf by color and size. I am so nervous for the party to start, I have to organize something! Lucius keeps telling me to calm down and play some cards or chess with him, but I just can't sit still. After about an hour of watching me mess around with the books, Lucius sighs, grabs my arm, and throws me onto the couch, saying, "Merlin, Severus, you're exasperating! Just sit down!" He pours two small glasses of red wine and shoves a glass in my hand. I tug on a piece of my hair nervously.
"Quit it. You're going to go bald if you keep pulling your hair, and that wouldn't be a good look for you," Lucius growls.
I sigh, put my wine down, and begin twirling my snake ring around my thumb. Having shorter hair again feels strange. Narcissa cut it right to my shoulders. It hasn't been this short in years. I like it alright, but I just don't like big changes. Narcissa did a really good job on it, too. She's become very good at cutting and styling hair– she even does Lucius', Bellatrix's, and Rodolphus' hair now, too!
"Here. Drink. It always calms you down. I only gave you a little bit, so you won't feel too tired," he says with a slight sneer, grabbing my hand and curling my fingers back around my wine glass. He pulls out the chess set, and says, "Why don't you set this up?
I don't say anything as I begin setting up the board. We play a couple of games, but I'm not really paying attention. Instead, I let my thoughts wander. This past semester, Evan really helped me eat. We always made up each other's plates for meals because he noticed I was never putting enough food on my plate. Our rule was that each of us had to at least try whatever we put on the plates because at first, I was too overwhelmed with how much food Evan was giving me to even begin eating. After a while, though, I was able to eat more and feel better, too. Before Christmas break began, I was 5 foot 3, and weighed 99 pounds, but any time I'm near Lucius, I always feel like I need to stop eating. Like I'm not skinny enough, and he's going to stop paying attention to me. Even with my growth spurt, I still look like a corn stalk. My torso has stayed too short for my body, and my legs have stayed too long. This morning, when Lucius was giving me hand-me-downs to try on, he said that I looked like a toothpick. Sometimes I feel as if he says stuff like that just to make me feel bad, but then he's always there to make me feel better. Sometimes he reminds me of my father, the way that he would be horrible, but then when he would be sober, he would lead me on and make me think that he had changed; of course, nothing ever changes. My mind is pulled away as I hear a knock on the front door.
"Well?" Lucius says, smiling at me, "Go let your friends in! We can keep this out in case somebody wants to play later."
I shoot him a quick smile as I get up and go open the door. He's right. Now that I've drunk a little wine, I do feel more calm. As soon as the door opens, Evan sets his violin case down, picks me up and squeezes me tight.
"Hey!" I giggle, "It's good to see you, too! I'm glad you were able to make it."
"Have you been drinking?" Evan asks before setting me back down.
"Lucius always gives me wine to make me calm down when I get nervous. Or if he has people over, especially his other friends like Yaxley and Dolohov," I shrug, "but they're not coming tonight. And besides, he only gave me a little today so I won't feel tired!"
"Oh, um, okay? I guess that's normal?" he says with a frown, then taking in my appearance fully, he says, "Your hair looks good! I like that Narcissa didn't cut it too short. You look good with longer hair."
"Thanks!" I smile, tucking my hair behind my ear and looking at the ground.
"You've lost weight again, haven't you?"
I shrug, trying to hide my small smile with my hair, but it's not long enough anymore.
"It's not funny. You've got to eat, Sev! I know Lucius feeds you well here!"
I shrug again, and murmur, "I guess I've just been busy."
"Busy with what? No, nevermind, now isn't the time for this conversation. Where do you want me to put your presents?"
Grateful that Evan's changed the topic, I smile, and say, "I think Lucius wants them in the living room. Here! Come hang out with us while we wait for everybody else! I think Narcissa's doing her hair, but she'll be down soon. Did you bring your violin so you could play with Lucius? He plays the piano, did you know?" I say, grabbing his hand and pulling him inside.
Following me in, he says, "Of course! All of us do something musical! I think the three Black sisters sing, don't they? Or Narcissa and Bellatrix sing and Andromeda plays the viola, I think. Doesn't Rodolphus play the cello or something? No! He sings, too, right? It's Rabastan who plays the cello. I know Regulus plays the violin, too. Maybe he'll bring his!"

As we enter the sitting room, Evan sets my present down, and greets Lucius, and we chat for a little while before my other friends get here. Lucius asks Evan a lot of questions about what he's planning on doing after we graduate. When he starts asking Evan how things are going with Katherine Greengrass, I can tell that Evan is uncomfortable.
"What do you mean you haven't asked her out yet?" Lucius exclaims from the couch.
Evan glances at me quickly before saying, "I've just been focusing on my studies. I haven't had time to ask her out yet."
"That's ridiculous, Evan. Clarence has been getting to know Elizabeth, and she's five years younger than you all. Her parents told me how nice he is to her last weekend when I saw them at Gringotts! If he can make time for Elizabeth, you can certainly make time for Katherine! Or is there another pureblood girl you like better?" Lucius asks interestedly.
Evan fidgets next to me, and I scoot away from him slightly as he says, "Clarence just says hello in the hallways, and buys her sweets when we go to Hogsmeade. It's not as if he spends all the time with her or taking her on dates. She's only 12."
"And you could be doing the same for Katherine!"
"I was just going to ask her out after graduating."
"You could do that, but it would be much better to get to know her sooner rather than later. And besides, you want to get married and have children while you're still young. Women's bodies are only fit to bear children for so long, you know."
"Yup," Evan says, tersely, "Thank you for the advice, Lucius."
Uncomfortable with how tense the situation is becoming, I ask, "So, um, how are your parents, Evan?"
He smiles, and says, "They're doing well! They send their regards, of course."
As he finishes speaking, Narcissa comes downstairs. She's fixed her makeup after cutting my hair, and smiles at all of us. As she walks down the stairs, she puts her hand on her belly. I know she was saying she was feeling nauseous earlier today, so I hope she isn't getting sick. Maybe she's pregnant again? If she is, I really hope this pregnancy works for her. She and Lucius have been married for over two years now, and I know she's had a few miscarriages.

When Rodolphus and Bellatrix arrive, I let them in, too. Rodolphus ruffles my hair and pats me on the back before he comes in, "Happy early birthday, kid! You've grown a bit since I saw you last! How tall are you now?" he says.
"5'3," I mutter, looking at my feet.
"Oh. How old are you turning?"
"18."
"Well, I suppose you might still grow a bit, right, Bella?" he asks, looking over at Bellatrix.
"I don't know," she shrugs, looking in the mirror and touching up her lipstick, "I guess I've heard of some boys who keep growing into their early 20's, but not many. The ones that do usually don't look like that, though! I think you're just going to be an itty bitty baby forever, Snape!"
"Great. Thanks, Bella," I sigh, reminded of how my father used to talk about how I was too little, and how he wasn't surprised that I got picked on.
"Hey, don't be sad about being a tiny baby boy! I'm sure there's some half-blood girl out there who's even tinier than you!" she laughs, and pushes me towards the living room.
I force myself to laugh.
"Lucius!" Rodolphus says as he enters the living room, "Doesn't little Severus tutor a couple of younger girls?"
"He does," Lucius says, "He tutors lots of younger students."
"Well, there you go! I'm sure you don't tutor any mudbloods, so why don't you just ask out one of the girls you tutor? You should really thank me, kid! I've just solved your problem," Rodolphus laughs, ruffling my hair again.
I smile at Rodolphus, saying, "No way! The sixth-year one is way taller than me," even though she isn't, "and besides, she's in Hufflepuff!"
"Do you tutor any fifth-years or fourth-years? They'd love to go out with an older boy! They're always so naïve! They'll do anything you want!"
"Yeah, but I don't like any of them," I mutter, uncomfortable.
"Ah well, I suppose it's good to be picky about a partner, right, Narcissa? Otherwise you end up with that!" Rodolphus laughs, pointing at Lucius.
Lucius smiles nastily as Narcissa and Bellatrix laugh, and says, "You have permission to slip something into his drink tonight, Severus."
Everybody laughs, and Rodolphus and Bellatrix sit down next to Evan. Now that my spot has been taken, I sit on the floor in front of Lucius' chair. Rodolphus chats with Evan for a bit until my other friends arrive. Joseph and Regulus arrive together, since Joseph picked him up on his way here. Once Clarence and John have arrived, we talk for a bit and drink some wine, and then it is time to open presents. Regulus gives me a book about poisons, Lucius gives me a new set of knives and equipment for potions, and Joseph gives me a book about hexes and curses. He wrote a note to me in the front of the book about the first time we met, and how the first hex in the book is Petrificus Totalis, and how he can't imagine his life without being friends with me now. I make a mental note to make him something extra special for his birthday in a few weeks. Narcissa gives me new emerald studs for my earlobes and small hoops for my cartilage piercings. As I look at her to thank her, I notice Lucius scowling. As soon as he sees me, he fixes his face to look pleasant. I smile at him, basking in the fact that he can't do or say anything while all these people are here. Clarence gives me a new notebook, and John gets me a new quill. Bellatrix and Rodolphus give me a gift certificate to the apothecary, and a card congratulating me on my impressive school resume and where I will be going in life when I graduate. Evan gives me one of his old Quidditch sweaters with his last name on the back, a pine-scented candle, and a new, leather-bound notebook to write potion recipes in.

After I open my presents, it's time for supper. There is lots of good food to eat; however, I find it difficult to eat much— I feel as if all of their eyes are glued to me, judging me for what and how much I eat. At one point, Lucius, who is sitting to my right, leans over and murmurs in my ear, "You need to eat your food, Severus."
"I am!" I snap back quietly. I take a bite, the food is amazing, but I feel as if everybody is looking at me thinking about how they will not like me anymore if I gain weight.
"Leave him alone, sweetheart— it's his birthday party after all," Narcissa whispers to Lucius and smiles at me. I feel like Lucius is trying to trick me into gaining weight so that he doesn't have to pay attention to me anymore. Then, Evan, who is sitting to my left, motions to me, and I turn my head to him so he can whisper in my right ear, "You know, I bet you could save some food for later, then you would be able to eat it without feeling pressured."
I shoot him a small smile, and turn to Lucius, "Would I be able to finish later? I'm a little full right now."
"What did I tell you this morning?" Lucius growls.
"That I was going to eat half of what I was given without arguing! But I'm not—"
"So why did you ask me that question? You're beginning to make me angry, and I can assure you, you don't want to make me angry."
I can feel my heart begin to beat faster as I remember my father, and I put a small piece of steak onto my fork, murmuring under my breath, "I'm sorry, Lucius! Please don't be mad at me! See? I'm eating! I promise!"
Evan grabs my hand under the table.
"If you don't want me to be mad at you, then don't make me mad. Do as you're told and eat your food. This discussion is over. Do you understand?" he snarls at me through a fake smile.
Taking his cue, I nod, and put the steak into my mouth. I turn back to Evan, and across the table from me, Regulus catches my eye, and mouths, "Nice try."

After supper, Lucius, Evan, and Regulus play some music, and Narcissa and Rodolphus sing. Bellatrix chooses to sit on Lucius' armchair and sip her wine instead of joining in. When all my friends have gone home, Lucius sits down with me on the couch in front of the fire. Narcissa kisses Lucius, hugs me, and goes up to bed. As I listen to Lucius, he weaves glorious tales about the new world that will be when the Dark Lord reigns supreme: how muggles won't be able to hurt us anymore, and how idiots like Potter will learn their place. He tells me how powerful I could become. The people who hurt me in school would learn to fear and respect me. The Dark Lord could most certainly use my skills to better his campaign. I would be important and included.
"So?" he asks, walking around to the back of my chair and putting a hand on my shoulder, "What's your decision?"
I look down. For a second, I think of Lily, and how she never understood. Enraged, I think of my filthy muggle father, how he beat me for having magic. I think of how I want to get back at Potter and Black for tormenting me for being different and poor. I think of Lucius, and how powerful he is. Suddenly, the faces of Lily's parents swim in my eyes. Not all muggles are bad. Not all muggles want to hurt us. Do I really want to be part of something that could harm people like the Evans'?
"Well?" Lucius says, snapping me out of my thoughts.
I look up at him, and he raises an eyebrow. I don't think I have a decision to make anymore. Lucius made my decision for me when I was 11 years old. I'm in too deep already, and I don't want to know what would happen if I said no, so I look back down at the floor, and mumble, "I'll do it."
"Good boy," Lucius purrs, and hands me a glass of wine, "I'm so proud of you. The Dark Lord will be pleased with both of us."
I hold my wine glass back out to him, and murmur, "I don't want this. I'm going to bed."
"Don't you want to celebrate? You don't seem very happy!"
I take a deep breath, smile up at him, and say, "I am happy, just tired. It's been a big day," I hand him back my glass of wine, and stand up, "Goodnight!"

The next day, before he takes me to King's Cross, Lucius has a group of his friends over. Yaxley and Dolohov are there. They don't even bother to hide their Dark Marks when they roll up their sleeves. Yaxley puts his arm around my shoulder as Dolohov strokes up and down my spine. Maybe Lily was right when she said I'm just as rotten as the rest of them. I've already killed my parents, and now here I am. I guess I really am a bad person. I guess I deserve to suffer. I take a deep breath, stare at a spot on the opposite wall, and let my mind go blank.