August 1st, 1978
The day my friends are set to be initiated, the Dark Lord pulls me aside privately after our meeting. I catch Bellatrix's eye as she leaves the room, and she glowers at me. I raise one eyebrow at her and turn to face the Dark Lord.
"I'm sure you are excited for your friends today, Severus," he says, red eyes boring into mine and smiling coldly. I take a deep breath and clear my mind. I know that smile normally makes the rest of the Death Eaters' blood run cold, but it doesn't scare me nearly as much as my father did.
"Yes, my lord! And the veritaserum will be finished tonight, as well," I say, "It just needs to cure under the full moon for a couple of hours."
"Good. That's very good. I am glad to have you, Severus. Your talents are very valuable."
"Thank you, my lord. I am glad to be here."
"As you should be. When you are finished with the veritaserum, please leave it in vials in the lab. I will come collect it after your friends are initiated."
I open my mouth to respond, but he hisses, and Nagini, his snake, uncoils herself and slithers up his chair to rest on his shoulders. I give her a slight smile. I know the other Death Eaters are afraid of her, but why should they be? The only time she's dangerous is when the Dark Lord wants her to be.
"Do you like her?" he asks.
"Yes, my Lord. She's very beautiful."
"Would you like to pet her? She is very smooth."
"May I?"
He smiles coldly at me, and hisses at her. She slithers over to me, and I look at him briefly for consent to touch her. He nods, so I reach out my left hand and stroke her head. She tickles my wrist with her forked tongue, and I giggle softly.
"You're such a pretty pretty lady!" I croon at her, remembering how I used to pet Lily's dog, "Thank you for letting me pet her!" I exclaim.
The Dark Lord calls her back, and dismisses me.
When I get down to my lab, I find Lucius waiting for me, "Hi!" I smile at him.
"Everything alright?" he asks.
"Mm hmm! I got to pet Nagini! He said to leave the vials of my potion in here tonight, and he'll come get them after initiation. We're all going to John's apartment tonight!"
"It's an honor that he trusts you to let you pet Nagini," he says with a smile that doesn't reach his eyes.
"Uh huh! I mean, yes it is! She's real smooth! I thought she would be slimy, but she's not!"
"That's nice. Severus, I don't think you should spend the night with your friends tonight."
"Why not?" I frown.
"Don't you have something you should be working on?"
"The potion will be done after initiation is over. I already said the Dark Lord told me he'd pick it up when he was done."
"Oh, then you should bottle it up and go straight to bed so you're not tired tomorrow!"
"I don't have work tomorrow. I don't even have a meeting or anything to do at all. I can afford to sleep in and spend time with my friends! Why does it matter to you where I stay, anyway?"
"I'm just looking out for you, Severus. Remember that conversation we had last month?"
"Yeah, but I should be allowed to spend the night with my friends if I want to!"
"Should you be?"
Frustrated, I snap, "I do everything you want, and I never complain! I've never said no to you, even when I'm busy or scared! I go to work, come back here to work on potions for the Dark Lord, and do everything you tell me to do!" my voice is getting louder, but I don't care, "And actually, I'm not a kid anymore, so you can't tell me what to do, anyways! I don't have to ask you permission to do anything!"
"Severus, you are blowing things way out of proportion. I'm just looking out for you, and I don't appreciate how you're speaking to me. You're acting like a child, and I think you need to calm down," his voice is low and threatening, but right now, I'm too angry to let his words affect me.
"No, I'm not! I mean it, Lucius! I'm tired of never getting to do anything I wanna do! I wanna see my friends and I wanna take a break from making potions all day, but I never get to because you won't fucking let me! My wrists hurt so bad, but you never care! I never get a fucking break, and it's not fair! YOU DON'T OWN ME!" I know I am yelling, and I try to take a deep breath, but it doesn't work.
"Do not use that kind of language in my house, DO YOU HEAR ME?!"
"I don't care!" I can feel myself losing control as a reckless rage takes over me. The cauldron begins to shake, and it's far too late to take deep breaths anymore, "I DON'T CARE!"
"SHUT YOUR MOUTH!" he yells, slamming his fist on the wall next to my head.
"Or what? You'll shut it for me? Hit me! I fucking DARE you! Touch me and see what happens!" I draw my wand and point it at his face, "You're not the Dark Lord! YOU'RE NOT MY DAD!"
Lucius makes a move as if he is going to slap me, but then he seems to think better of it. After a few seconds, he backs up, "I am not going to let you make me lose control. I think we both need some space to calm down. I am going upstairs to sit by the fire with Narcissa. When you've gotten this insanity out of your system, you may join us," he snarls, and turns on his heel, striding back out of the lab and back up the stairs. Enraged, I grab one of my empty vials and throw it at the wall. Then I throw another. And another. And another. I reach over to throw another vial, but there are none left. I feel tears running down my face, and I slide down the wall. Drawing my knees to my chest, I bury my face. I wish Evan was here. He would hold me and tell me it's alright. But I've been so busy that I haven't been able to spend time with him for a few weeks now. I wonder if he even still likes me the way he did when we were in school. Maybe he's already moved on and is dating Katherine Greengrass, like his parents expect him to.
When I finally feel calm, I stand up, cast Reparo on the smashed vials, and walk slowly back up the stairs. Lucius looks at me and raises one eyebrow when I stop at the entrance of the living room. I cross my arms and glare back at him.
"I'm going to stay with my friends tonight. I'm sorry I lost my temper. It won't happen again."
"That's fine. I also should not have lost my temper. Sometimes I suppose I forget you're no longer a child. You are an adult, and are within your rights to make decisions for yourself, however unwise they may be," he drawls, "Though you would do well to heed my advice."
"Thanks," I say curtly. I won't rise to his bait in front of Narcissa. She doesn't need to be stressed out by our bickering.
"Would you like any help with your potion?"
"Actually, that would be great!" I smile, unfolding my arms and walking over to him. I see Narcissa smiling out of the corner of my eye, "There are still a few more ingredients that need to be chopped if you wanna– if you want to help me with that!"
"It would be my pleasure," he smirks, and stands up to follow me back down to the lab.
"Severus," Narcissa calls out, then beckons to me to come over to her. When I get to her, she gets out her wand, tells me to roll up my sleeves, and does a few relaxing spells on my wrists to help me get through the rest of the day. I thank her, and walk downstairs with Lucius.
When we get downstairs, I tell him what needs to be done, and he gets started.
"Thank you for helping me with that. Chopping really messes up my wrists. Well, stirring hurts the most, but it's nice to at least not have to deal with one other thing, you know?" I say after a while.
"I didn't realize your wrists were still bothering you," he responds.
"Yeah, they've been worse than ever because all I ever do is work on potions. If I'm not working on potions, I always either have my braces on, have my wrists shoved into that ice bucket there, or have to have Narcissa do those relaxing spells for me. I really need to go to St. Mungo's, but I can't let them mess with my left arm. If I go, they'll want to do both wrists, and I can't just tell them they can't roll my sleeve up on my left arm, or they'll get suspicious."
"I understand. Well, you should take a break, then. Why don't you hold off on making more potions than you need for a little while and try to relax your wrists when you can?"
I hide my smile behind my hair and say, "That's a good idea. I think I'll do that! By the way, did you ask the healers at St. Mungo's about that weird thing that happens to me with my memory yet?"
"Oh! I must have forgotten to tell you! They said you were probably not remembering anything in particular, your brain was probably just confused and certain things around you are triggering your brain to send random signals," he says, not looking at me.
"What? What does that even mean?" I ask, furrowing my brow.
Lucius shrugs his shoulders, "It means that everything is fine, Severus. Don't think too much about it, but let me know if and when it happens again, alright?"
I raise an eyebrow at him, and slowly say, "If everything is fine, why do you need to know if it happens again? Do you know something you're not telling me?"
"Don't be paranoid, Severus. They said that it's a good idea to figure out what's triggering your brain to do those things, then you can work on shutting it down before it happens."
"That doesn't make sense," I shake my head.
"Well, that's what they said. You know I wouldn't lie to you! I'm just telling you exactly what they said."
"Are you sure nothing bad happened that I've forgotten about? 'Cause that's what it feels like. I don't know why, though. I don't remember anything from when it happens, but I always have a bad feeling after."
"Nothing that I know of, but lots of bad things have happened to you in your lifetime, unfortunately. Perhaps you're thinking of something that happened when your father was still alive!" he says, and gives me a one-armed hug.
"I guess," I shrug, not fully convinced, "Thanks for asking for me," then, suddenly, I remember waking up the morning after Dolohov gave me that lollipop, and my blood seems to run cold, "Wait," I murmur, grabbing Lucius' wrist.
He freezes, and after a few moments, says, "Yes?"
"Dolohov gave me that lollipop," I say slowly, tightening my grasp on Lucius' wrist, still staring at the wall.
"He did give you some candy when you were younger."
"But it wasn't just candy, was it?"
Lucius pauses. The tension in the room is thick enough to cut with a knife as he says, "No, but as soon as I realized he had put something in it, I sent him home and brought you straight to bed."
"Did you?" I glance at him, still holding onto his wrist. My other hand twitches as I consider grabbing my wand.
"Severus, I promise I never let him hurt you."
"What about those nights when I started taking my potion weekly instead of daily? When you gave me my potion and I fell asleep before they all left?"
He shakes his head, and says, "You would have woken up if anything had happened to you. You know as well as I do that that potion is strong, but not strong enough to keep the drinker asleep through anything more than a couple of loud noises."
That is true, but I just can't shake the feeling that something is wrong, "What about those mornings I woke up without my clothes on?" I say very quickly. I can feel my cheeks turning red, and I look down, letting my hair cover my face.
He pauses for just a second, then says, "I wouldn't know anything about that. I'm sure you probably got hot at night and took them off yourself."
"But I… I've never done that sort of thing! I'm always cold!"
"Well, you did have some wine occasionally over that summer. Perhaps the wine made you feel warm? Though I didn't give you much. But you were young, and still recovering from your concussions, so it might have been enough to make you feel hot."
"Maybe… but, but…" Feeling confused, I loosen my grip on his wrist.
"That's the only thing I can imagine," he says. I glance quickly at his face. He's looking down at the table, and doesn't meet my eyes.
"Are you sure?" I ask, still looking at his face.
"Of course! Why would I lie to you, Severus? Trust me!" he croons.
Tentatively, I let go of his wrist and allow him to embrace me, "I do," I say, but I'm not so sure anymore. Like Rodolphus said to Dolohov all those years ago, there's no place in Lucius' life for a mistrusting, disobedient pet, and Lucius is all I've got right now, aside from Evan, and I haven't had the time to hang out with him in a while.
Because of Lucius' help and Narcissa's spells, I am able to almost finish my veritaserum right before initiation. I turn off the fire, and run to my friends to wish them good luck. I tell them to make sure they remember all their spells for dueling, and to take deep breaths.
"It's gonna be okay, Evan, don't be scared, you'll be okay," I whisper into Evan's ear as I give him one last hug.
"I wish you were going to be there!" he says sadly.
"I know, but maybe it's best I won't be. I don't wanna see— well, never mind. I'll be there for you afterwards."
The door to the chamber opens, and a man in a mask I don't recognize tells my friends to come in. Evan looks back at me before the door closes, and I give him a small smile. When the door closes, I go back to the lab and haul my cauldron out under the full moon to finish the potion. Before we all go to John's apartment, I'll make sure to give them the blood replenishing potions I made.
The next time I'm at work, I go through Dolohov's chart from 1975. Sure enough, I find that, around the time he would have given me that lollipop, he bought a vial of Extra Strength Sleeping Potion, valerian roots, and cherry flavoring. Seething, as I put his chart away, the chart of Malfoy, Lucius catches my eye. I reach for it, then quickly withdraw my hand. Nothing I could learn from reading that chart would make me feel better, or change what may or may not have happened. It's best to forget. Everything is fine.
