May 14th, 1980

One night, while we're eating supper, I hear a knock on the door. Evan opens it, and Lucius walks in.
"Oh, hi Lucius! How are you?" I ask, giving him a brief hug.
"I'm fine. I see you've been enjoying yourself. And Rosier, it's nice to see you." Evan nods curtly at him.
"Um, so why are you here? It's great to see you, but I wasn't expecting you, or I would have made more for supper!" my stomach churns.
"Oh, I just wanted to see how you were doing. I'm allowed to check in on you, aren't I?" he sneers, sitting down on my couch and putting his boots up on my coffee table. I whisper to Evan to bring Lucius a glass of wine, and I go sit on the floor next to Lucius.
"I'm doing well! I'm enjoying my job, and did you see my garden? It's looking really good!" I say, smiling at him.
"You've gained weight," he retorts, and my smile falters, "I'm glad to see you don't need me worrying about you anymore."
"No! Why would you say that?" I make a mental note to not eat breakfast tomorrow.
"Well, you haven't spent much time with Narcissa and me over the last few months. I only see you when you're on your way to or from your potions, or at meetings. I've done so much for you, you'd think you would be a bit more keen on spending time at the manor. I'm not sure why you would rather stay in this place than there, but to each his own, I suppose…" he says, looking into my eyes.
"I'm sorry I haven't been spending a lot of time with you lately, I've just been busy. And Evan needed a place to stay when his lease ran out, so we've been trying to make this place nice is all! Please don't be mad at me!" I fight to keep the panic out of my voice.
"What's going on in here? Sev, are you okay?" calls Evan, as he walks into the living room carrying a bottle of wine and three glasses.
"Everything's fine, Evan! We're just catching up!" I say, clearing my mind and smiling at him. Lucius stands up.
"Where are you going?" I ask.
"Evan, don't you have somewhere to be?" he drawls, ignoring me.
"Oh man, that raid! Sev, I've gotta go! Can you clean up?" Evan exclaims.
Surprised, I say, "Uh, yeah! You didn't say you had a raid today!"
"I forgot! Thank you for reminding me, Lucius!"
"It was my pleasure. Enjoy yourself, Rosier," Lucius sneers.
As Evan grabs his stuff off the stairs, I run over and give him a quick hug, and conscious of Lucius watching me, I whisper under my breath, "Stay safe! I love you!"
"I love you, too, Sev," he whispers back, then, a little louder, says, "Don't worry about me! I'll be back later!" and he runs out the door.
"Why don't you clean up here and come spend some time at the manor, Severus?" Lucius says, coming over and putting his hand on my shoulder, "Narcissa misses you, too."
"Okay," I mutter. I clean up the dishes while Lucius sits on my couch and drinks his wine, then I return with him to the manor.

When I go back to Spinner's End that evening, Evan has not returned. It feels lonely and cold being in bed alone, but I eventually fall asleep. By the next morning, Evan's still not back. That day, while I'm working on a potion for the Dark Lord, Lucius comes into the lab and tells me Evan was killed by Alastor Moody in the raid. He says Joseph tried to bring his body back for a funeral, but it was lost to the river they were battling by. I start to feel my heart break, and I close my eyes and take a deep breath.
"Severus?" he says tentatively, putting a hand on my shoulder. I take another deep breath and try to clear my mind.
"That's a shame," I say, voice shaking slightly, "he was a good friend."
"It sounds like it," Lucius whispers from behind me. He puts his arms around me and pulls me back to his chest. For a second, I want to tell him to stop touching me, but then I remind myself that what I want and how I feel don't matter anymore.

After I finish my potion, I go to Joseph's apartment to ask him what happened.
He opens the door, and sighs tiredly, "You here about Evan?"
I nod my head, feeling tears welling up in my eyes.
"Come on, I'll make some tea," he says, ushering me inside and closing the door.
"Hey, Severus! It's been a while! How are you?" Morgan smiles at me from the kitchen table as we walk in.
"Hey, Morgan," I mutter, looking at the floor.
"Would you mind giving us a minute?" Joseph murmurs to Morgan as he walks over to the kettle. I sit down, lay my head on my arms on the kitchen table.
"Of course, love," she says. On her way out, she gives me a short, one-armed hug.
When the tea is ready, Joseph pours me a cup and sets it down next to my head.
I don't move.
"I'm sorry— I should have told you yesterday," he says.
I choke as the tears start pouring down my face.
"He went down fighting, Sev."
"He didn't deserve to die!" I cry.
"I know. He was a good guy. He took a chunk of Moody's nose with him, though," Joseph chuckles, "so that's good!"
"Yeah, I guess," I sniff, wiping my eyes, grabbing my mug, and taking a sip of my tea.
"I'm sorry we couldn't find his body. We looked for ages, but he fell into the river. He was fighting up till the second he fell in! Never gave up."
I cover my head back up as the image of Evan falling into a river and drifting away pops into my mind.
"I know you two were really, really close. I'm so sorry he died. I was trying to help him— honest! But Moody's a beast! I couldn't even get near them! Every time I tried, another auror fenced me off!" When I don't respond, Joseph goes quiet and just lets me cry.
Finally, when I've managed to pull myself together, I finish my tea and thank Joseph for letting me know.
As I leave, Morgan gives me a hug, "I'm so sorry for your loss," she murmurs.
I just nod, and head back to Cokeworth.

As I look around my house and see his things lying around, I slump to the floor. Holding onto his turquoise sweater— the one he gave me so long ago— I let myself fall apart. After a few minutes, I put the sweater on, shoving my nose into the neck. I wipe my tears off with the sleeve, and rock back and forth on the floor, trying to calm down. What am I going to do now? I guess the only thing left for me to do is go back to Lucius. I'm pathetic. I really am just his little project. His lapdog. I walk to the bathroom to find a razor, then I remember that Evan stopped letting me have my own razors back when we were in school. The only time he'd let me touch them were the few times I needed to shave my peach fuzz, and he would sit in the bathroom the whole time with me to make sure I didn't cut. As if in a trance, I pack up my things as well as Evan's old shirts and sweaters. I take one last look around, then lock the doors of my house. I don't look back as I leave for the manor. My time with Evan was only a dream to forget, and he's not here to remind me anymore.

A few days after I've moved back to the manor, as I wait in my armchair for my newest batch of Moonseed Poison to simmer, I look again at the mark burned into my left arm. I almost can't believe it's been almost two years since I got it. Could I have said no? But no, I want to be here. Like Lucius said, where else would I go? This is where I belong, I think… I hear footsteps in the hall, and I quickly pull my sleeve back down and grab the book I left sitting on the table beside me.
"Come in" I say at the knock on the door.
"Man, that was one crazy raid," sighs Regulus as he stumbles into my lab. I quickly stand up and pull him over to my armchair. When he is settled, I sit down on the floor.
"What was it like?" I ask.
"I don't wanna talk about it. It was just crazy," he murmurs, and I notice the blood on his hands.
"That yours?" I ask casually, motioning toward it.
"No," he states. I walk over to the sink and wet a rag, then go back to him, kneeling down to clean off his hands. For a few minutes, we sit in silence, listening to the Moonseed Poison simmer away.
"Severus?" Regulus asks.
"Yeah?"
"Do you ever feel like, I don't know, like maybe you made the wrong—"
"Don't say it, Reg," I interrupt, "It's not good to talk about it. You know he finds everything out. You don't want to be in trouble. I know what you're gonna say, and trust me, you don't want to say it. It's better to keep our silence."
"I know. Sometimes I wonder, though, what it would be like if we were normal. If we didn't join."
"Yeah, I know. But it's good we did!" I say a little louder, just in case anybody is listening, "I'm so happy to be part of the Dark Lord's regime! I know that we're gonna take part in making the world a better place for wizards!"
Regulus' eyes start to tear up.
"Don't cry, Reg," I whisper, wrapping him up in a hug, "someday it will be okay. Just you wait," and I remind myself of my mother, saying the same thing to me, but it never was okay. It never got any better then, and I have a feeling that it will never get better now, either.
Regulus stays with me till I have finished the potion for the day. It needs to sit for another 24 hours, so we go upstairs to socialize with the rest of the company. They look surprised to see me, but welcome me jovially, if a little jealously. I talk mostly with my friends— I'll talk to Lucius after supper. Narcissa comes to bring us all pastries that she made while my friends were out. As she walks away, I whisper to her.
"You know, you can always visit me down in the lab. It gets pretty lonely down there" she smiles, rubbing her big, pregnant belly, and says that she definitely will.

From then on, I have lots of company. Narcissa comes down to hang out with me whenever she's not busy. She says that Lucius thinks it's sweet that she and I are friends, and that she's glad Lucius and I are still friends. She says that she's glad I'm back, and that she's missed spending time with me. She says that shopping for baby clothes and toys with Lucius just isn't the same as shopping with me, and that we need to plan a shopping trip soon. I smile, and tell her that I can't wait. I tell her that I'm excited to meet the baby. She says that I can touch her belly to feel the baby kick if I want. We spend the next few minutes with my hand on her belly, feeling the baby moving and talking to it.

Regulus comes to visit me after every raid, and whenever he breaks down, I hug him and wipe away his tears. When he tries to talk about it, I shush him. I tell him that we don't want to get in trouble. I tell him that I can try to make him some Felix Felicis, but he tells me that if I make it for him then I'd have to make it for everybody. I tell him I could ask the Dark Lord about it, but he refuses. He says that he wouldn't take it, anyways. He says that he is dispensable. I am not. That's why the Dark Lord keeps me away from the fighting. If I died, he would have nobody to make all the different poisons I know how to make. He says that my job is too important to waste time trying to save dispensable Death Eaters. I don't respond. I know what he says is true, and I hate myself for it.