June 5th, 1980
Regulus disappeared two weeks ago. They all suppose that he was killed by one of the people in the Order of the Phoenix, but I think I know better. I wonder if I could have saved him. Did I shush him one too many times? What if he just needed to talk about something, but never had the chance? What if he had never joined? Would he still be alive today? Then I start thinking about Evan again. Would Evan still be alive if he hadn't joined? But no— I can't let myself think about him. He was just a dream I had, that's all. And besides, I should be focusing on helping Narcissa and Lucius. Narcissa went into labor last night and had the baby this morning, so I pack some snacks for her and head over to St. Mungo's. When I get to their room, I hand Narcissa the snacks, and she hands me the baby.
"His name is Draco," she says tiredly. From the moment the infant touches my skin, I know in my heart that I will do anything I can to protect him.
"Sweet Draco," I whisper to him, "you are so loved."
Narcissa and Lucius exchange glances, then Lucius turns to me, "Will you be his godfather?" he asks.
"I'd be honored," I respond.
After bidding Lucius and Narcissa goodnight, I go back to the manor. I close and lock the door, then slowly go up to my bedroom, take off my clothes, and get into the shower. Even though I've lost weight since Evan died, when I look in the mirror, all I see is fat. My hair has gotten dry and stringy from malnutrition, and my skin is pale and tight over my bones. I have been existing off energy potions, coffee, and random small meals since moving back to the manor. My head is dizzy and I feel weak, but I'm alright. I just need to keep losing weight, then they won't have any choice but to keep paying attention to me. And Evan— I just can't stop wondering if he could still be alive somewhere! Joseph said he was fighting up until he fell in the river. Could he have swam to shore somewhere? But no, there's no way. If he was alive, he would have come back to me, wouldn't he? He said he loved me, and that he would never leave me all alone like I used to be! He wouldn't break that promise unless he was truly dead! I wish I were dead, too. I want to get away from this place. Maybe if I died, then Lily would pay attention to me again. She would say, "Poor Severus, I should have been there for him. I shouldn't have left him alone." Surrounded by my vicious and pitious thoughts, I stand at the mirror and, with the razor blade I so rarely have to use, I cut four new deep lines around the dark mark on my left arm. As the blood trickles out onto the scars of the skull and snake, I smile. I deserve this pain. I deserve to starve away into nothing. I deserve to die.
As the weeks pass by, I take my job of godfather very seriously. When Lucius is away and Narcissa is asleep or needs a break, I do everything with Draco. He sleeps in the bassinet down in my lab when I am working on poisons. I make a mobile for him and attach it to the bassinet so that he can watch the little owls and dragons play above him. When I am waiting for potions to simmer, I play my dad's old guitar and softly sing to him,
"Will ye go, lassie go?
And we'll all go together
To pluck wild mountain thyme
All around the bloomin' heather
Will ye go, lassie go?"
Maybe someday, Draco will sing with me like I sang with my father before the mill closed, and like Evan sang with me.
One day when I am out shopping for potions ingredients with Draco on my back, I see Lily shopping with Potter. She walks with her hands resting on her pregnant belly. She's gotten very big— I can tell she must be due soon. When they see me, they try to say hello, but I walk away. I can't deal with it. I sit down in the Leaky Cauldron and cradle Draco. People stare as they walk by, but I don't care. I think about how my life would be if I had never hexed Joseph that night. What if I had never met Lucius? Would I have joined the Death Eaters still? Sadly, I rock Draco back and forth. I have to treat him better than I treated Lily, and Regulus, and Evan. I already let myself lose them, I can't let myself lose Draco. When I see Dumbledore and a strange woman walk up the stairs together, I pop Draco's pacifier into his mouth, cast a quick silencing charm over him, and follow them quietly. If I can tell the Dark Lord something good today, then maybe I can take a break from making poisons for a while. At least I hope it's something good— I can't deal with another loss.
