Chapter Five: I'll Always be Your Anne

In the fall of her fourteenth year, Anne was both studious and heartbroken. The previous summer had dealt a blow to the young girl's spirit in the form of the accidental intoxication of her best friend, Diana. Marilla had rallied for her and made a good case to Mrs. Barry and Mrs. Lynde in support of Anne's innocence, but the judgment of the Temperance ladies blew back at Anne just the same. She'd not had her bosom friend for several months, and her moroseness weighed down the usual pleasant mood of the Cuthbert household. Then, when Anne's first monthly came a week before school started, she announced gravely to Marilla that it was a "mortification of the soul, an indignity of the spirit which shall henceforth remain my unvanquishable foe." With Anne in such poor spirits, Marilla was slightly on edge as well, her emerging maternal sensibilities poised at the ready to harshly scold foolishness and valiantly protect innocence, respectively.

So when the new Avonlea schoolmistress, Miss Stacey, came calling just before suppertime one evening in mid-September, Marilla was worried. "What has she done now?" Marilla swallowed, resolved to take the news of some new and terrible Anne-disaster calmly. But relief extinguished panic and for a moment rendered her speechless when Miss Stacey relayed quite the opposite of what she expected. Anne was at the top of her class and Miss Stacey wanted to help her study for the entrance exam to Queens Academy, where she could pursue a teaching credential the following school year. Marilla gaped at the schoolmistress for a moment, unsure what to say but feeling quite proud of Anne. "Well of c-course she can, if she w-wants to," Marilla stuttered awkwardly, suddenly feeling quite out of her depth in front of the lively and accomplished young teacher.

It was decided that Miss Stacey would stay for supper that evening to give Anne specifics about studying during the year ahead and about college the year next. During their meal, Matthew didn't say much, but offered Miss Stacey pleasant "yes, ma'am's," and affirmative grunts when the conversation shifted in his direction. Marilla played hostess, gentlewoman of the home, and staunch supporter of Anne's studies, showing sincerity in matters of womens' education on the Island and Canada. She was impressed to hear that professional opportunities for women had expanded since she was Anne's age, but at the same time felt oddly intimidated by both the girl and the woman who'd now both had more education than she. What had she missed out on after dropping out of school at thirteen? How would her life have been different if she'd stayed in school a few years longer? These types of questions crossed her mind now and then, but were always put back in their place quickly. She was mostly happy with the way things turned out, and didn't like to ponder the what if's and how could's of life.

Everybody enjoyed the meal, and Miss Stacey expressed delight when Marilla told her that Anne had prepared the dessert herself. But Anne's face suddenly turned from pink to green to gray as Miss Stacey lifted her spoon and tilted it towards her lips. Anne allowed the tension within herself to mount dangerously before letting out a ghastly shriek. "Don't eat it, Miss Stacey!" Anne gasped, eyes ablaze with panic, while Miss Stacey, Matthew, and Marilla jumped in shock at the outburst and the clattering of utensils. As Marilla scolded Anne harshly and cleaned away the plates, Anne explained meekly that she'd forgotten to cover the sauce bowl the night before and a mouse had drowned it. When Marilla returned to the table, she found Miss Stacey and Matthew laughing, and she glanced at Anne who was still visibly upset. When Anne finally managed to calm herself, she commented on the romantically tragic demise of the mouse. While Miss Stacey and Matthew's laughter escalated, Marilla offered a pursed smile and eyed Anne with concern. She was a smart girl, but it didn't bode well that she often couldn't accomplish basic household duties without raking up disaster. Marilla was trying to raise Anne to be smart, responsible, and independent, but she still had a fair way to go.

Marilla reflected that evening on the odd contrasts in Anne's growing-up; the way she could act with such girlishness in one moment and maturity in the next. She wanted Anne to be able to hold her own in the world and have the skills to make her way however she chose. However, she felt awash at the prospect. For the first time since Anne had come to Green Gables nearly four years ago, she could visualize the eventuality of Anne leaving in full color. She pictured herself, alone with Matthew as she was before, in contrast to a future Anne; educated and fashionable, a modern woman like Miss Stacey. Marilla felt lonely knowing that the certain flourishing of Anne would accompany her diminishing role. She felt vexed at herself for scolding Anne so that evening and wished Anne could know the love she felt for her. Anne showed Matthew a tender kind of affection and it made her heart sore; the girl had hugged her a few times, but she'd been stiff and unsure, afraid of demonstrating her feelings. It crossed her mind that she'd failed to provide Anne with the maternal warmth that her own mother had shown her.

Anne's mood and self-confidence improved greatly within the following months. In winter, she'd sprung to action and saved Minnie Mae Barry from the croup; remaining calm and composed during that night of uncertainty, she won back her bosom friend as well as the respect of Mrs. Barry. Then, much to Marilla's chagrin, she'd attended her first adult ball, wearing a puffed-sleeve dress given to her by Matthew that Marilla considered to be "a waste of precious time and material." Amidst her emerging feminine sensibilities and Matthew's collusion in these matters, Anne remained diligent in her studies, and by mid-spring, she'd passed the Queens entrance exam at the top of her class. At fifteen, Anne's young womanhood was in full bloom.

In mid-summer, Anne was preparing to deliver a monologue at the White Sands Hotel benefit concert, scheduled a few weeks before her departure to Queens. Most everyone in her circle was to attend, and she felt nervous at the thought of performing. But Diana stood fast at her side, providing all manner of assistance. So after Anne exited Lawson's General Store with several bundles of dress fabric under her arms, she planned on walking to Diana's house to show her the patterns she'd chosen. On her way there, Gilbert Blythe saw her trying to balance the packages and stopped to offer a ride.

Anne had never been asked to ride in a man's carriage before, and she was caught off guard. Three years her senior, Gilbert had developed quite the reputation for being chivalrous, and Anne was trying to keep her promise to maintain cordial civility with her ex-rival. So, she accepted. Anne was glad for the ride, but irked by the way Gilbert liked to compliment and tease her in the same breath. After he let her off near Diana's house, Anne's cheeks flushed hot with embarrassment when she realized that Gilbert had dared her to attend the White Sands concert with him and that she'd accepted just to show him that she wasn't a quitter. Frustrated, she spent longer than she intended at Diana's before making her way back to Green Gables in the late afternoon.

Anne entered her home gaily, exclaiming that Diana was pleased with the fabric she'd chosen and that the dress would feel like a knight's armor when she was up on the White Sands stage. While Anne spoke, Matthew held a stern gaze fixed at Marilla, and Marilla fixed an alarmed gaze back at him. When Anne finished, Marilla rose to face her squarely.

"Anne Shirley!" Anger cracked through Marilla's voice in fierce reproach. "You were seen riding in a carriage alone with a young man. Holding his hand! What were you doing with him?"

"Marilla!" Anne replied in shock. "He - he - only offered me a ride home. I - I - didn't think -"

"Fiddlesticks! What were you doing in that carriage? Hmmm? Did you really go to Diana's house, or did you -"

"Marilla!" Matthew jumped in then, disturbed by her accusation of impropriety.

Anne fled upstairs in tears, while Matthew turned to face Marilla.

"Marilla!" Matthew spoke with firm indignation. "Anne didn't do nothing wrong; look at them packages she had. How'd she have gotten home holding all of 'em? Gilbert drove her from the store to Diana's and he helped her down from that buggy. Then Rachel Lynde the ol' bat, she come runnin' up here yellin' fire after she saw it. Ya see, Marilla? Gilbert would'a had to hold her hand if he was helpin' her down from the buggy. Anne ain't done nothin' wrong. Only wrong here I reckon is you flyin' at Anne makin' her feel ashamed. We ain't got the right to treat her like that, like she don't have opportunities outsida' here. She ain't like us, Marilla. And she deserves better." Matthew's eyes were still fixed on her when he finished speaking.

Marilla listened, shaken and unable to rebuke him. He was right, and she had taken out her own anger and fear on the person she loved most. She had done Anne wrong.

Marilla knocked gently on Anne's bedroom door and quietly entered, taking a seat next to her on the vanity bench. "Anne…" Marilla started, tears welling up in her eyes. "I…I'm sorry."

"Marilla," Anne's eyes were serious and she spoke gently. "I want you to know that nothing has happened between me and Gilbert Blythe. I didn't mean to scare you or hurt you."

"Anne…" She gingerly touched the girl's shoulder. "Sometimes I think about how much you've grown up and I wish you'd stayed a little girl. You're as tall as me now and I just … I get lonely thinking about you leaving. But I … I want you to go out into the world and make your own way. Don't make any ties here that would hold you back, hm?"

"Oh, Marilla." Anne's eyes softened as she turned to face the older woman. She reached out and laid a gentle hand on Marilla's cheek. "I know I've grown up; a bit taller and more branched out, maybe. I might grow up and branch out some more, but that won't change the way I love you and Matthew and Green Gables. No matter where I go and what I do, I'll always be your Anne."

Marilla looked tenderly at her girl while her eyes brimmed with tears. She could say goodbye to Anne as she left on the train to Charlottetown feeling complete. Complete because of the way the flighty young girl had become the mature young woman she now knew, and because of the way the joyless woman had become the caring woman she now was.