Deadpool couldn't believe he was here.
"You're damn right I don't." Deadpool said before his eyes widened. "Oh my God! I can swear! [Censored] yeah! Wait… ah, dammit! T rating. Oh well, Deadpool 2 had a PG-13 cut for Christmas."
Deadpool could not believe that he had to go to Texas for his latest job. He just eliminated a threat not too long ago and now was in the mood to make a purchase for something. He bought himself 10 pounds worth of meat at this neat little place he was renting. Now all that was needed was how to cook it.
He got out of the house he rented and decided to look for the nearest place to buy some charcoal.
"In my suit? Wait, if someone saw me without my mask, they'd realize I don't look like Ryan Reynolds. Good call." Deadpool said.
But as he started walking down the alleyway, that's when he was spotted by four Texan men. And from then on, their lives were changed.
"Who's this?" Hank asks.
"Oh, I know, it's Spider-Man!" Bill went.
Hearing that made Deadpool groan in exasperation.
"Really? That joke so soon?" Deadpool asks before realizing something. "You're not gonna interact with me like you do in the Many Dates stories, are you?" He got no answer. "Oh well… darn, I really wanna see Danny Phantom and Kim Possible reproduce more kids together. And since this has a higher rating, I can say some real shit!"
Meanwhile, the guys watched in disbelief.
"Hey man, he done talk and talk without no nothing on no dang ol' audience listenin' in." Boomhauer said.
"He must be some kind party clown." Hank said with a dismissive tone.
Deadpool heard that was mildly annoyed, but ignored it in favor of asking for directions. So, he approached them.
"Hey, you four!" He said, walking to them.
Dale lowered his beer.
"Be on guard, everyone. He's gonna talk to us."
Deadpool now stood about a few feet away.
"Hey, where's the nearest place to buy charcoal? I need it." Deadpool questioned.
The four remained silent for a moment as Hank frowned a bit.
"Mister… uh…"
"Deadpool."
"Mister Deadpool, you don't need any… char-coal." Hank said, pronouncing the word with disdain.
"Oh, so cook with wood? Ah, old school." Deadpool went.
"No. Sir, you're speaking to the senior assistant manager at Strickland Propane. I can provide you with propane." Hank Hill says.
Deadpool only stared before shrugging.
"Eh, no thanks. I like charcoal, good taste of smoke." Deadpool said.
Hank frowned harder.
"And I like propane, good taste of meat!"
Deadpool rolled his eyes.
"Lame…"
As Deadpool turned and started walking off, Hank drank the last of his beer and took a deep breath.
"Sir, let's start over. My name is Hank Hill, I sell propane and propane accessories." Hank said.
"I'm Deadpool, the Merc with the Mouth." Deadpool responded as he stopped and turned around.
"Yes, well… round these parts, we're a propane community." Hank said.
"Cept maybe Kahn…" Dale points out.
"Yeah, he makes nice tasti-" Bill stopped when he noticed Hank turning his head and glaring over his shoulder. "Uh… lemonade! Yup! Nice tasting lemonade! That's what I was gonna say." Bill lied.
Hank didn't buy it but chose to direct his attention to Deadpool.
"Now look here, Mr. Deadpool. I work for Strickland Propane and take great pride in my work. I'll tell you what, seeing as you're in my neighborhood, I'll give ya the new neighbor discount." Hank offered.
"No thanks, show me where to get charcoal. Also… pronounce it right!" Deadpool said.
Hank was getting increasingly annoyed.
"I am pronouncing it fine. I am making an offer for you to get propane." He said.
"What would I need with a gas that makes my meat taste inferior?" Deadpool said.
Hank looked appalled at that.
"What?!"
"You heard. Charcoal gives a smoky taste." Deadpool said.
"Propane is clean and it helps you taste the meat, not the heat!" Hank shouted.
"Heh… you look grumpy. Like Dorothy when it comes to Rose's lovable goofiness." Deadpool said.
"Who?!" Hank asks.
"The Golden Girls. Best show ever! Ahh… good ol' Betty White." Deadpool exclaimed as he turned around and looked up at the sky, as if hoping she was looking down on him.
Hank made a face at that.
"You have never watched a football game in your life, have you?" He asks.
"Nope and I don't care. Betty White is all I need to watch. I don't waste time with guys who took Soccer's real name to throw some leathery lemon thing." Deadpool responded without looking.
Hank was growing increasingly annoyed with him.
"Now listen here, you dang fool! That's a bold-faced lie, football is the real sport! You're the most infuriating person I ever met! How dare you disrespect propane and football! I'm gonna kick your ass!" Hank threatened.
"Yeah, I'd like to see you try…" Deadpool scoffed.
"Don't just ignore me while thinking about some old white woman from California! You're a grown man, you should be thinking about sports teams like the Dallas Cowboys, not some old woman who isn't even that good of an actress…" Hank dismissed.
It was at that moment Hank's life was ruined forever.
Deadpool slowly turned his head before looking at Hank with one, squinted eye.
"... what… the [censored] did you just say?" He questioned angrily.
"I said stop obsessing over some old woman actress." Hank stated.
Deadpool turned around and glared at Hank in the eye.
"You [censored] wanna die today?" He asks.
Hank was momentarily shocked by his statement before resuming the stare down.
"I'm gonna kick your ass!" He warned.
"You kick my ass?! Ha! I've been hit by Thanos and made out with a succubus who could knock me out with her kiss! You're so not a threat to me!" Deadpool said dismissively.
Hank, not understanding a word he just said, remained vigilant.
"Now look here, my name is Hank Rutherford Hill and I sell propane and propane accessories. I will not be talked down to by some man in some ridiculous looking getup, talking ill of my livelihood all because of some old actress on some show about a few old gals." Hank said.
"The Golden Girls was pure [censored] genius!" Deadpool shouted.
"Seriously? There's more to life than Bea Arthur. She was just another actress, if they had more talk about how great propane and football is, that'd be something." Hank said, further angering Deadpool.
Deadpool shook with rage.
"THAT DOES IT!"
Suddenly, Deadpool pulled out his trust swords, which Hank soon noticed and his nerve was no more.
"Uh… wha… are you gonna do...with those?" Hank asks.
"I'm gonna make Hank Hill chops… cooked with charcoal…" Deadpool said in a menacing tone.
"Um… medium rare?" Hank asks, growing increasingly nervous.
"Well done." Deadpool said as he got closer to Hank's face and whispered in a vicious manner.
Hank's face contorted with fear as his eyes darted around for help, only to see he was gone.
"Guys?" He asks for help, only to get no answer. "GUYS?!"
Dale's head peeked out from the fence on his side.
"Sorry Hank. I gotta… take a job… out of town… all day." Dale said before his head went back to hiding.
"HANK!" Bill was heard, down the alleyway, peeking out. "I gotta… get some… food. Yeah, that's it. Bye! See you later! … maybe?!" He said before leaving.
"Dang ol' Hank, I ain't gonna stay, need to go get something or something, ain't stayin' cause I ain't goin' near that ol' Spider-Man lookin' guy so I see you in hospital, the ER!" Boomhauer was heard saying from the other end of the alleyway.
Hank, realizing he was all alone, shuddered.
"Oh my god…"
"That's right! I'm your god now! Now I smite thee!" Deadpool said, readying his trusty weapons. "Bea and Arthur?! Time for din-din!"
Hank screamed his head off as he ran, dropping his half-finished beer in the process. Deadpool watched him run with glee as he put his swords back and started running after him.
"NOOO!" Hank shouted as he looked back and saw Deadpool gaining speed and closing the distance. "I JUST WANTED TO SELL YOU PROPANE AND PROPANE ACCESSORIES!"
"AND I DIDN'T WANT ANY! NOW YOU MUST PAY FOR INSULTING TWO GOLDEN GIRLS! THIS IS THE START OF A BEAUTIFUL NEW HOBBY! RUINING YOUR LIFE!" Deadpool shouted back.
Deadpool resumed the chase as Hank ran for his life.
Hours Later
The Hill House, where Hank usually would be watching sports, but right now his mind wasn't on that.
Hank looked out the window, looking around to see any sign of the regenerating degenerate. So far, it looked like he was safe.
Hank let out a breath he didn't realize he held because he was too scared to think.
"What is wrong with that man?" He asks.
He then took his seat on the chair, where Ladybird came towards him, allowing him to pet his dog.
Ladybird gave him a somewhat knowing look and Hank sighed.
"Ladybird, some men have the strangest ways of thinking. That man just ain't right, even more than the boy." Hank said, exasperated.
Hank heard the door being unlocked, gasping until he heard her.
"Hank! We're home!" Peggy called out.
Hank let out a breath in relief as his wife went through the door, carrying groceries with their son Bobby.
"Dad! I just saw Spider-Man around the corner! Can I go meet him?" Bobby asked eagerly.
Hank's relief was replaced with a frown.
"Absolutely not! That was not Spider-Man and I do not want you talkin' to him." Hank said.
The Next Day
It seemed like a typical morning for the Hill family. Bobby was being his usual self that Hank saw as "ain't right", Peggy was setting up the table while Hank was at the grill.
Hank was looking forward to a typical day of a Sunday, having already finished many things. Going to church, walking his dog and mowing his lawn. Now he's eager to get to watching football and then having a nice barbecue.
He put the propane tank in its place and placed meat on the grill.
"Now to enjoy some medium rare steaks, cooked with good ol' propane." Hank said to himself.
However, as Hank tried to heat up the grill, nothing happened. He pushed the button, still nothing. He checked to make sure the propane tank was working right, it was not crooked in anyway.
Bobby, noticing this, stopped messing around and approached.
"Dad? What's wrong?" He asks.
"Good question, son…" He said. He then knocked the side of the propane tank lightly with his foot, hearing a sound that didn't seem right. "Funny, that sounded solid, like it's not propane…"
He got down and pulled it out.
"Maybe it froze?" Bobby asks as his father slightly opens up to smell the propane.
What he smelled was not propane.
"BWAA?! WHAT'S GOIN' ON HERE?!" Hank yelled.
"Hank, what's wrong?!" Peggy asked, approaching. She then realized the cause of his distress upon the smell reaching her. "Oh GOD! What is that?!"
The propane in the tank normally used for the grill was replaced with something solid, something very stinky.
"It's manure! Horse manure! Or maybe it isn't… who knows? I mean, I had a lot of burritos last night…" Deadpool said cheekily.
Gasping, Hank looked towards the fence, where a certain someone was peeking his head up.
"YOU?!" Hank cried out in distress.
Bobby and Peggy saw him too.
"Spider-Man? Wait… no, that's not him." Bobby said.
"Oh, Bobby. Of course that's Spider-Man." Peggy said.
"Shut it, you idiot who shouldn't be allowed to teach anything, much less as a substitute, on account of being too stupid to think!" Deadpool said, earning a death glare from Peggy Hill. "If I was Spider-Man, I'd be makin' out with a smokin' hot redhead, or Black Cat, or Spider-Woman, or Mockingbird, or Ms. Marvel… Carol's version in the black leotard bee tee dubs, or even Silver Sable! So, how'd ya like my gift? The hard part was getting it all inside!"
"You did this?! Where's my propane?!" Hank demanded.
"Doused your lawn with it." Deadpool said flatly.
Hank gasped, looking at his lawn.
"You… you're a monster!" Hank said.
"That's what ya get for trying to pitch propane to me when I wanted charcoal! I'll be back to humiliate you more!" Deadpool said happily before leaving.
Hank groaned.
"Well, at least I can watch the game…" Hank said.
Suddenly, a gunshot was heard, that's when the lights inside went out, along with the rest of the block.
"Hank! The government turned off our power!" Dale shouted.
Hank looked up to see a torn powerline, in the direction Deadpool went.
"Well… let's go out." Peggy said.
Hank sighed bitterly.
I hate that man… He thought.
One-shot of a new idea for one-shots, based on the repeated gag of Deadpool messin' with Hank Hill.
Please note this, I don't hate King of the Hill and I don't so much hate Hank as I do just find him boring, and at times he's emotionally abusive to Bobby whether he knows it or not.
I just think being stuck with the extremely illogical and too dangerous to mess with Deadpool can lead to some... interesting bits of comedy.
I might do these if I think of something funny but it doesn't show up in a Many Dates spin-off.
And hey, a King of the Hill reboot set 15 years later is in the works. So, perfect time to do stuff set in old school KoTH...
